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Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I have been together for five years. He has a single female friend whom he has known before he met me. They have probably only hung out about five or six times since we have been together but what bothers me is how I am "conveniently" never available when they hang out. Most of the times that they have been together, I only find out about it by accident, he never volunteers the information to me. I get what I am saying is that I am jealous, and suspicious — and that's the excuse he uses why he doesn't tell me when he meets up with her (because I get jealous and crazy). It really bothers me a lot but I don't know how to get him to understand.

I've told him I want to meet her so I can feel better about them hanging out, but every time we secure plans for us to meet, something always comes up. What should I do? — Irritated Izzy

To see Dear Sugar's answer

Dear Irritated Izzy,

I think you nailed the issue here Izzy but your jealousy makes me think your boyfriend has betrayed your trust before. Has he cheated in the past or lied to you before about another woman? There is a reason why guys and girls being friends is such a tricky subject, but it sounds as though you're not upset that he has a female friend, rather that you are always left out of the equation when they are together.

It sounds as though they are both trying to make a date to meet you, six attempts says a lot, so hang in there. In the meantime, try to keep the lines of communication open with your boyfriend. If you act jealous and insecure whenever he mentions this friend of his, it's no wonder he isn't breaking his back to introduce her to you. Try to keep it all relative or else this will turn into a cycle that will be hard to break. If you truly feel that your boyfriend can't be trusted, follow your gut instincts and find another man that can. Good luck.

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oklahoma oklahoma 9 years
I think that he is making it look as if he is meeting up w/ her only once a year.. B/c that is all that YOU find out about. I mean you said that he never volunteers info, right.?? So how many times have the met? up, w/ out you knowing about it.. Think about it.. There is no reason to lie, unless he is hiding a secret, I always say.. Liar Liar Pants on the Floor.. HAHA.. Sorry!!
designerel designerel 9 years
If it worries you that much, make an effort to set up a time to hang out, all three of you. That way you are guaranteed to be available. Some have pointed out that if they only meet once a year, there can't be much going on, but they could be e-mailing or talking on the phone. That's why I suggest meeting her so you can scope her out and depend on your intuition to determine if there may be a "more than friends" vibe.
sweet-d sweet-d 9 years
Just a thought...call her yourself when you have the time and ask HER out to lunch. Tell your BF that it has been 5 years and you want to get to know her so she can be a part of both of your lives??? See what he says to that and if it is defensive go from there. Catch more flies with honey;)
nikecold nikecold 9 years
Greenapples1987: Here's some advice to you. You probably think you don't need it, but I'll say it anyway. YOU break up with YOUR boyfriend if you can't trust him. You're his girlfriend not his babysitter. Its good to check up on what your guy is doing but you can't just drop your whole life to follow him around just because you don't trust other bitches. As for the real question, I'd be annoyed just as much. I think you shoul really pester him with how important meeting her is to you. I doubt its anything serious, but you should talk to him and tell him to at least mention when he's gone out with her.
demeter demeter 9 years
I'd be annoyed. If they were such good friends, you'd think he would have introduced you by now.
vanyvrgs vanyvrgs 9 years
They have met an average of once a year since you met? How good of a friend could they be? I think you are reading too much about it and are jealous of nothing. Keep on encouraging to meet her but don't drive him crazy about it -- eventually you will. I have many male friends and will not accept someone who gets jealous over things as meeting them once a year to catch up.
LittleLady12 LittleLady12 9 years
*get to KNOW her
LittleLady12 LittleLady12 9 years
Greenapples--it's more than clear that you're threatened by other women. I feel sorry for you. Oh, and turn off your caps lock. To answer the actual question--Dear hit it right on the head. Being a girl whose best friend is a guy, I doubt anything is going on. It is possible for men and women to be friends. Me and my best friend are a testament to that. And if something was going on with them, he would NOT tell you when he saw her. He'd lie. Seeing that he admits that he sees her, you have nothing to worry about. But you have every right to be annoyed because you haven't met her. I don't blame you! You need to hang in there and tell him that it's really important to you that you meet her and get to her. Once that happens (given that you trust your boyfriend!), I promise that you will realize that you have nothing to worry about. And don't read into the fact that you haven't met her yet--any guy would do the same thing if their gf freaked out about it and went "crazy"!
juliemyjewel juliemyjewel 9 years
Greenapples, maybe you should consider changing your name to bitterapples. Am I correct in assuming you've been cheated on before?
lovelybritty84 lovelybritty84 9 years
That's pretty weird that you haven't even met her.. I'd just ask him if he would introduce the two of you. Maybe it'd be easier on you if you actually knew the girl a little bit..
Marci Marci 9 years
5 years is a long time to not meet such a good friend of his. BUT - they're getting together an average of once a year, so I don't think I'd let that bother me too much.
kendalheart kendalheart 9 years
Let me tell you that I have been where you are before. My last boyfriend had girl friends but I also was never introduced to them. I drove me crazy!! I feel that if someone has nothing to hide, then why not let them meet? My ex knew my guy friends so why couldn't I? Obviously we are now ex's but that was a huge factor that made us breakup was my lack of trust. I couldn't trust him anymore and that is ultimately the question you need to ask yourself. Good luck!
Jinx Jinx 9 years
If my boyfriend ever said I couldn't have my guy friends, especially those that I had before him, I'd drop him. That is insecure insaneness!
k8-rckstr k8-rckstr 9 years
all caps = serious stuff haha no doubt
pk9000 pk9000 9 years
They've only met up 5-6 times in 5 years. They meet once a year. You say "Most of the times that they have been together, I only find out about it by accident." How many times is that? 2? 3? Out of 5. Your boyfriend isn't excluding you because you mention "times you secure plans to meet." How hard are you trying to meet this girl? Do you suggest a date to meet that works for you? Get over yourself and let it go.
adelka adelka 9 years
wow, all caps, huh? he should make it a point for you two to meet if that's what you want. enough said.
remedios remedios 9 years
Just keep working on meeting her. Once you meet her, you'll probably be ok.
PJ-PJ-PJ PJ-PJ-PJ 9 years
I think it's a little odd that you haven't met her in five years time. Is the cancellation on your end, or theirs? He doesn't tell you about their meetings because you are so crazy jealous? It seems like he would want you to meet her & get to know her, so you wouldn't have that problem. I'm not sure what to say, except trust your instinct.
laura6567 laura6567 9 years
lol CaterpillarGirl, are you serious? I really hope not. No female friends is really extreme. I agree it's a little shady. Maybe they had a past or something? Either way, keep lines of communication open. Let him know you're not jealous of the FRIENDSHIP, you're just concerned about the secrecy. Tell him to give you another chance, to have him tell you he's hanging out with her, and see that you can act without jealousy. Good luck!
alltherage alltherage 9 years
I went through this with my ex. you need to meet her for your own comfort its about tiem and as jeng said tell him that him not telling you makes u crazy (myex said he didnt tell me cuz he knew it would upset me -- but that's not an excuse). he never cheated on me but you need to nip this in the bud. because clearly you are uncomfortable and he needs to know.
Jeng112 Jeng112 9 years
I would just let him know that if he didn't hide it so much then it wouldn't make you so crazy. There are things he can do to diffuse the situation, but he isn't doing them. You need to have a discussion with him, ask him how he would feel in your shoes. If he claims it is no big deal, then spend some time with a male friend and see if he likes it.
CaterpillarGirl CaterpillarGirl 9 years
Rule number one. No alone time with any female unless its a family member.
greenapples1987 greenapples1987 9 years
THS COMMENT IS TO THE QUESTION AND ALL THE LADIES OUT THERE READING: IF I WERE YOU I'D DUMP HIM! I DON'T WANT MY GUY SPENDING ANY KIND OF TIME WITH ANY OTHER WOMAN, I WILL NOT HAVE IT! AND WORSE IN YOUR CASE HE WON'T LET YOU MEET HER..MAYBE THERE IS SOMETHING GOING ON AND SHE DOES NOT EVEN KNOW THAT YOU ARE IN HIS LIFE!!!!!!!!!!! I DON'T THINK MEN SHOULD HAVE ANY OTHER FEMALE FRIENDS HE SPENDS THAT MUCH TIME WITH! AND YOU SAY YOU ARE ALWAYS BUSY WHEN THEY MEET? ARE YOU SERIOUS! YOU SHOULD DROP ALL OF YOUR PLANS AND DEMAND TO GO WITH HIM AND WHEN AND IF YA'LL MEET UP WITH HER I WOULD TURN TO HIM AND SAY SEE YA, IT'S OVER YOU TAKE YOUR LITTLE FEMALE FRIENDS AND F**K OFF! MY BOYFRIEND HAS A BUNCH OF BUDDIES HE PLAYS CARDS WITH SOMETIMES AND A LADY LIVES AT THEIR HOUSE AND SOMETIMES SHE NEEDS MY BOYFRIND TO FIX HER COMPUTER (HE WORKS WITH COMPUTERS FOR A LIVING) WHEN HE COMES OVER AND WHEN HE TELLS ME HE'S GOING TO PLAY CARD AT THEIR HOUSE..I GO RIGHT OVER THERE WITH HIM AND STAY TIL HE'S READY TO GO..NO MATTER HOW TIRED I AM OR WHAT ESPICALLY IF HE SAYS LADY X I'LL CALL HER WANTS HIM TO WORK ON HER COMPUTER CAUSE SHE KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT THEM! I GO EVERYTIME WITH HIM AND I REALLY DON'T LIKE ANY OF THE PEOPLE AT THE HOUSE BUT I WOULD NOT DARE LET HIM BE ALONE WITH ANY OF THEM BECAUSE I DON'T TURST THEM NOT HIM I DON'T TRUST THEM AT ALL..I DON'T TRUST OTHER WOMEN AT ALL THEY ARE ALL BI***ES AND I WILL DROP MY GUY IN A MINUTE IF I SEE HIM ENGAGED WITH ONE BEYOUND THE LIMITS THAT I HAVE LIKE SPENDING TIME WITH THEM AND NOT ME AND TALKING TO THEM TO LONG OR WHAT HE'S SAYING!!! ONE NIGHT WE SAY A WOMAN WITH CAR TROUBLE IN A NOT SO GOOD NEIGHBORHOOD PARKING LOT AND HE WAS CONSIDERING STOPPING AND I SAID NO WAY! LET HER HANDLE HER OWN PROBLEM!!! SHE SHOULD HAVE A CELL PHONE AND CALL FOR HELP THAT'S HER FAULT IF SHE DOES NOT! TO BAD! AND GUESS WHAT WE DID NOT STOP! HAHAHAHA! SO BE CAREFUL WITH OTHER BI***ES AROUND YOUR GUY!
k8-rckstr k8-rckstr 9 years
I'd be angry too. I have two really close guy friends, and when I started dating my fiance, I didn't hang out with them until he met them and got to hang out with us together. I figured if he knew them, saw that we were JUST FRIENDS, was confident in the fact that they knew and respected that I was in a relationship, he'd be comfortable with me hanging out with them on my own. And so far, so good. He's become very good friends with my guy friends and its not a big deal if I go out with them by myself, because he'll go out with them by himself too! haha. I think your boyfriend should have AT LEAST paid you that courtesy...I'd be a little sketched out about it and tell him that he needs to let you hang out with the two of them together, or he needs to stop hanging out with her alone...its just not fair.
teece81 teece81 9 years
I'd be annoyed. Every time you make plans to meet up, who is the one that cancels? It just seems a bit shady to me, but I'm a bit cynical. If he really wanted you to meet her he would have made more of an effort.
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