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You Asked: Is This a Lost Cause?

Dear Sugar,

I have a friend that I've known for a few years that I've always liked, and it seemed like he liked me, too. We have a lot of mutual friends who encourage the idea of us getting together, so back in August, I decided to put it out there. I wrote him an email telling him how I felt. He said he felt the same way and we started to date. So far, we've seen each other fairly consistently over the past three months, but from the very beginning, he would only make plans on the day of. I figured it was just him being laid-back so I followed suit, but as time went on, that didn't change and we almost never connect when we aren't together. I tried to take his lead and since he didn't call, I didn't call.

Over Thanksgiving this was particularly notable because I was out of town and didn't hear from him at all. I finally sent him a text that Sunday just to say hi, but our conversation was very short and basic. Last weekend, after having a nice night together, I said that while I like spending time with him, not hearing from him in between dates is confusing. He said that he just isn't sure what he wants and was content to just let things progress naturally. I told him I was OK with that, but part of me thinks I'm selling myself short. At the same time, I feel like I'm jumping the gun to back out now and give up on the idea that in time, things might actually progress forward. What should I do? — Restless Rene

To see DearSugar's answer


Dear Restless Rene,

Starting a new relationship is always tricky, especially when communication is lacking. I'm glad you spoke up about how you were feeling, but it sounds as though he wants to just let things happen organically. There's definitely nothing wrong with starting out that way, but if you are not on the same page, this could become incredibly frustrating for you.

Since you can't change the way he feels, you have two choices. You can either accept the path your blossoming relationship is on, or you can move on if the uncertainly is too unsettling. If it's possible to just take a step back and enjoy him for what he's able to give you right now, I think that's your best bet — no one said you couldn't keep one eye open for other guys, did they! I hope I was of some help, and good luck to you.


Join The Conversation
tinyspark tinyspark 8 years
Keeping his options open...move on!
My1mia My1mia 8 years
Your wasting your time sweetie. He's just not that into you. I wish us women would stop making up excuses for some men. Look at things the way they are not the way that you imagine them to be. Try to remain friends but move on honey.
Janine22 Janine22 8 years
I agree with the other girls. If he was really into you, he would call you more often. Also, it is basic respect to make plans in advance, with anyone. If he is not sure what he wants after 4 months with you, then I am thinking that he just likes the regular sex and casual dating, and there is a good chance he may be also dating others. If you are not happy with this, set some boundaries with him. But you can't force him to like you as much as you like him. Also, you can't make someone want to talk to you more often, and there is no reason why you should have to ask someone that. They should just like you enough to make the effort to do it, it shouldn't even be an issue. Good luck to you.
frieddumpling frieddumpling 8 years
If you're feeling like this when your relationship is only "blossoming", it's not a good sign and I definitely do not see it working out. Again, I have to agree that he is just not that into you. You're supposed to be in a "honeymoon" phase early in your relationship (i mean it has been ONLY 3 months...and you're having problems like this already), so I say start looking elsewhere and don't sit around to wait for him! I actually suspect you two do not seem to be exclusive --> at least to him and I think it is likely that he might be dating other girls at the same time.
Muirnea Muirnea 8 years
Sounds like he just isn't that into you to me. Move on, or at least keep looking for other guys and seeing other guys if y'all aren't exclusive.
austerity austerity 8 years
Correct. And are you having sex with him? Well there you have it. When you told him your feelings in a letter, the average guy is going to 'reciprocate' because he assumes you will allow him in your pants.
sofiabonbon sofiabonbon 8 years
I think he isn't into you.
Ubby Ubby 8 years
I would keep trying to "speed up" your relationship with him by maybe sending him text here and there but if he continues to resist, he is probably not that interested and might dump you any time :(
hope2be hope2be 8 years
TScha. I believe in a 50-50 courtship (although in my case, I let the guy make the first move in the early beginning). So I believe the that he calls, you call, he texts, you text, etc. So it's pretty balanced and either sides can kind of tell that the other one is interested equally/similarly. Since yours sounds like you're doing all the work, I'd say that you need to consider this as an open relationship and go ahead and date other dudes too instead of moping and pining on this one who seems to not be that into you.
Abbigail Abbigail 8 years
Ahh I'm going through the same thing! Friends first, started to date, while things were pleasant something seemed off. I felt like he should be more excited to be around me, esp since we were long distance east coast/west coast. Finally he just didn't want to make plans over Christmas so I told him I needed something more. We decided to break it off but left it open for the future since we can't nail down what exactly is off (is it the distance, our places in life, or his job). I tend to agree with what everyone else has said, let him go or at least know you're dating other people. If he likes you enough then you'll know!
karlotta karlotta 8 years
I wonder why YOU don't try and initiate the in-between-dates contact more often. Maybe you guys fell into a weird habit, and these grow strong fast. So if I were you, I'd try and be in touch throughout the week with phone calls and emails and texts... etc - see if he bites. If he doesn't take the bait after a few tries, maybe you've got a problem on your hands. Maybe not that he's not into you, because people have different ways of living their relationships, and I don't think it has to mean anything about his feelings for you. For example, when my boyfriend (who loves me to death) is out of town, or I go visit my parents, we barely talk at all. We chat on iChat a few times a day, but we rarely call each other on the phone, and it's pretty much nothing compared to what many couples do. At first it upset me, I thought it meant he didn't miss me - but he said, when I'm not around, he just keeps himself busy, what's the point of sitting there pining and trying to reach me, when he can just go be productive? So I stopped taking it personally, and I know it will be great when I go home or when he's back. So... there's no formula set in stone. To each their own - but it definitely matters that your own is okay with his own, and vice versa! So try to do it your way for a while, and if he doesn't respond and it really upsets you and leaves you feeling unimportant, maybe then revise your attitude - and your relationship.
Chrstne Chrstne 8 years
I would like to say that he's not into you, but I don't think it would be a fair answer. I mean, when a guy really likes a girl and really wants to be with her, he will definitely progress. But, if the guy is unsure, calling a lot and trying to make a bunch of plans can maybe lead to false expectations. Girls are funny that way, and if a guy liked you, but wasn't sure what he wanted and he made a lot of plans and dates with you, when you finally sat down after 3 months and he said "I don't think I'm ready" you may feel a little led on. I would. Is it time to move on from this guy? How about keep moving around and see different guys, but keep him on your list as well. You can end up being with him, or you can end up being with another really great guy. But you have to make this known to the guy. Tell him that you want to see things move forward with him, but until you see progress, you're going to keep your options open, because you don't want to sell yourself short. If you both like each other, there is no point on giving up on something that isn't dead in the water at the point. But you have to keep your expectations low, and see what happens.
Deidre Deidre 8 years
He's been doing this since AUGUST?? Acting like a child for 5 MONTHS?!?! I'm really sorry, but he's just keeping you around until something better comes along. I'm not sure how he treated you when you were just friends, but you really shouldn't put up with it now. I'd let this guy go, and find someone who knows what he wants (i.e. you!).
MissJules5x MissJules5x 8 years
you are selling yourself short because this isn't what you want and you know it. what if it never "progresses" you will be wasting time on someone that only wants to see you or talk to you when there is nothing else to do because clearly thats the case here. this arrangement the two of you have is obviously bothering you or you wouldn't be writing for advice, you wouldn't be worrying about it, and you wouldn't have "attempted to have the talk with him". i hate to say it but its really time to move on.
Jude-C Jude-C 8 years
He's not interested. The fact that he'll only make plans the day of, and isn't very interested in keeping in touch in between dates, makes it sound like he just calls you up when he's bored and doesn't have anything else to do, not because he really wants to spend time with you. I'd let it go if I were you.
pippins_halfling pippins_halfling 8 years
I agree with the other two. It doesn't seem like he's that interested. You can do better. :)
Mamis03 Mamis03 8 years
I agree with zabrow. It may be that he does like you and is afraid to lose your friendship but he is not into the serious relationship with you. You shouldn't agree with him if that is not how you really feel. Maybe you should try to go back to being just friends. If he really likes you, then he will disagree and try harder. Otherwise, you are better off letting him go now and being available to other relationships. Good luck.
zabrow zabrow 8 years
i don't want to be mean, but it sounds like he's just not that into you.
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