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You Asked: Married With Nothing?

DearSugar --

I have NO ONE to turn to about this. I have been married for 4 years. We have had a very tumultuous relationship. Up and down. I am the breadwinner, and I do most of the housework, and we fight a lot. In retrospect I think we got married because we were together for sooo long. He has a problem with lying; he's stolen money from me and has been verbally abusive. I know that all sounds bad, but that is not why I am writing.

Since being married, I have lost weight. I started losing for the wedding, and just kept going. I am not THIN but not fat -- average, size 10. Well, of course I am feeling more confident that I deserve better than my husband. At some point he realized I was about to leave, so he really stepped up and has been a great guy for the past few months. But here is the advice part: we have been trying to conceive and for the past few times he has not been able to perform. He agrees he must have erectile dysfunction. I am just torn; I mean what do I do?

To top it all off, I am feeling all confident and hot and getting hit on left and right, actually giving one guy my cell number. I just am feeling so lost right now. Do I stay with him even if he has no job (he is unemployed) just because I am married and that is what you do? Or do I leave him and risk not meeting anyone and being alone, but I am pretty sure I could meet someone -- I feel pretty confident about that. If he can't provide for me financially or provide a child for me, why should I stay? does that make me a b***h? I am so freaking lost I don't know what to do! ~ Conflicted Carrie

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Conflicted Carrie --

You've asked me for my advice, so fasten your seatbelt, hon. First, please stop trying to have a child. For the sake of everyone's future happiness, wait until you know more about yourself and more about your priorities.

From what you've written, I don't think you want to be married. I know there have been many problems, but you don't seem that concerned about the problems. It seems to me you want a different life from the one you have and with a different person than the one you have. If there's nothing to keep you with your husband except a little worry that you might not find someone else, then I feel pretty confident suggesting the marriage isn't long for this world anyway.

Don't make each other unhappy because you can't find the personal courage to make a decision or take a risk. People make mistakes. Personally, I don't think we should pay for our mistakes an entire lifetime -- or even for the few more years that will feel like a lifetime. And I certainly don't believe a child ought to be knowingly conceived in the midst of such confusion, chaos, and personal strife.

I say forget about being a b***h, Carrie. Be responsible, take your chances with a new life, learn a few things, and live with the consequences. That's pretty much what we all have to do. Good luck.


Join The Conversation
smccauley06 smccauley06 10 years
Emshaw I agree. If you are not happy with your husband, why would you try to have a baby?! That's irresposible because you dont really know what you want and it would make problems worse.
vanyvrgs vanyvrgs 10 years
Katie, guess we are in the same frame of mind. =) Btw, I do not see here that she wants to have a child to save her marriage, she just wants a child or as she calls him she wants him to provide him with a child, because that is exactly wht a couple in financial problems even if Ok should be thinking about. Oh boy!
Emshaw Emshaw 10 years
I don't understand why people in unhappy relationships try to have babies. Get out of it and wait until you're truly happy before you try to conceive.
honey31 honey31 10 years
If you are not happy than get out!
katie225 katie225 10 years
i completely agree, vanyvrgs. i thought she might be young as well. and so many people are afraid to be by themselves, too. some women think they need to have a man in their lives or they're not whole.
vanyvrgs vanyvrgs 10 years
I think what I got to say is going to be unpopular but the first thing that came to my midn is that she settled because she was depressed and she thought she thought she was fat and now is looking for a reason to get out of it. You should not have ever married him, and certainly do not have a child. I wonder how you may be contributing to his erectile dysfunction since you seem to be rather open about wanting to leave -- in fact, giving your number out. Btw, you also seem rather young. You should neither stay with someone because you won't find someone else or leave because you think you may. How about being by yourself? You need to grow up.
i-heart-monster i-heart-monster 10 years
I think you have a decision to make. Do you love your husband? If so, then you stay and you work things out. If not, then you dissolve the marriage and move on. Don't for one second think that either way will be the easy way- both ways will be difficult for you. Please stop trying to conceive. Babies never fix anything. Work out your issues first and then give yourselves time to make sure that your issues are really resolved before trying to have a baby - that is, if you decide that you love your husband.
t0xxic t0xxic 10 years
^^^^ sorry thats what i get when i leave pop logged on
t0xxic t0xxic 10 years
i have the greatest husband in the universe and i love it
t0xxic t0xxic 10 years
yep uh huh
t0xxic t0xxic 10 years
Although I totally agree with lickety, I do think you need to move on. Your husband is trying you said so your self. Stop leading him on and giving people your phone numbers. Ever think maybe his erectile disfunction is bc he thinks you dont want him? Something to think about. Do me a favor and dont have a child with a man you dont love enough to give another chance when hes now trying and you are over it. You need to move forward and find the "happiness" you seek. How can you say you dont want to leave bc you end up alone. Thats not what marriage is about. It is for better or worse, erectile dysfuntion and financial problems all of it thats why you say those vows and make sure you know the person you are marrying. You work thru it together and you lean on one another for support. Maybe if the outlawed divorces people would actually think before they get married, this whole oh if it doesnt work out we can just divorce thing is stupid.
katie225 katie225 10 years
i always have the most unpopular opinions here, but that's a good thing. here i go on this one. i don't feel like ANYONE should stay in a marriage just because you're married and "that's the thing to do." that is complete BS. i say take dearsugar's advice and get out of that mess of a relationship (whether you're married or not, it's broken and neither party seems to want to fix it). okay, so, maybe she's being selfish with the whole flirting with other guys, and IMO especially with the baby thing. i think having a baby is a very selfish thing to do no matter what (roast me for it, whatever, but it is. i want kids like mad, and i'm very selfish for it! it's okay to be a little selfish, people!), but she's especially selfish for wanting to bring a baby into this particular relationship. personally, i don't blame anyone for wanting to get out of a marriage when it turns out the other person can't give them what they really wanted from a marriage. okay, this is where i get "old-fashioned," but i think it has more to do with evolution. women expect to be supported financially by her husband and for their husband to provide children to her, among other things. when these things aren't fulfilled or can't be fulfilled, where do you go? you really have to fight to even want to stay there. what you've been expecting from a relationship isn't there anymore. i don't blame her for wanting to get out for those reasons, because it's really not that horrible. i had this conversation with my BF after watching an episode of "grey's anatomy." i asked him if he would stay with me even if i couldn't physically have babies. he said he wouldn't, and i was appalled! we talked about it, and i was very thankful for his honesty, because many men (and women) lie about it or don't really understand how highly they personally value reproduction. yes, there are some men out there who would stay with his wife or GF and just adopt, but most men who actually want kids want them to look like them and be like them (hello, people, it's a selfish desire! and it's okay to be selfish!). so when they find out that their wife or GF can't have kids, he's either out of there like a flash, or he makes up an excuse to leave (as in, he cheats on her and makes it seem like he's not leaving her because she can't have kids). so flip this situation around for carrie here, the man can't (yet) have kids. so what she's doing now is making up other excuses to leave. she's lost weight, she's found confidence, she thinks she deserves better, and soon she's going to cheat on him and effectively end the relationship without letting him know that it's his fault because he can't have kids. carrie, it seems as if you were okay to accept abuse from your husband when you were heavier and couldn't find anyone better, so you basically believed you "deserved" it for being the person you were. now, i feel like you're acting in ways to purposefully end the relationship. it's okay to want out, don't feel like you have to stay in any relationship "just because." no one deserves less than what they want, even when they're married. yes, relationships are about compromise, and you have to sacrifice some things when you're in any relationship, but you shouldn't have to sacrifice the big things that matter to you, like financial stability and children. usually people choose the ones they're with specifically so that they don't have to sacrifice those big things that matter to them, but for some reason you felt as if your body type meant that you had to accept whoever came along, no matter how much of a jerk he was. so please get out, don't cheat on your husband, and become your own person first. after you find out what you really deserve and find a guy who will give it to you, then have all the babies you want.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 10 years
I think that one thing we probably all agree on is that now is NOT the time to have kids, no matter what you decide to do!! There seem like a lot of issues going on so I'll try to break them down. First of all, I agree with the people who are appalled that you are making this about whether or not he can conceive with you, and the fact that you can "trade up" now that you are thinner. To me, that shows incredible selfishness and a true lack of character. However, I also agree that it sounds like he's been awful to you in the past. And verbal abuse is horrible, so is lying. Both are reasons to seek counseling and/or consider separation, especially if they persist long term. But the way you phrased it in your letter, you basically said: If he can't have kids or make money, why should I bother staying married? If any man said the same thing about his wife, we'd be roasting him. If you had just said: He lies, steals, and verbally abuses me, why should I bother staying married? Then I feel like I'd have had a much more sympathy with your situation. As for what to do. Well, I do believe that marriage takes work and that everything isn't always perfect. But I also believe that suffering the rest of your life for a bad decision is not worth it. That said, you did stand up there and make a commitment to this person, and it seems like at the very least you should try counseling. I'm sure you are going through a lot, and I hope you can resolve this with dignity and respect. No matter what he has done in the past, only you can control how you respond to the current situation.
mandiesoh mandiesoh 10 years
i have to say i agree with lickety! no matter what he's done wrong previously, it does not make it right when she retaliates back by doing something "wrong" too. cliche, but so true. the only way to work it out is to sit down and talk to your husband. letting him "SENSE" that things are not right and giving him the impression (and right one too) that you're gonna leave him/cheat on him is SO irresponsible and childish. Plus, you said that he has been making the effort ever since he realised this. doesnt that say something?? i think you'r behaviour (giving your number, being dissatisfied etc) has already shown that you've giving up on the marriage, and i for one think that by giving your number to another guy equates to cheating. you might not have done anything, but you thought about it, and gave it an opportunity to develop by giving your number! maybe you SHOULD walk out of the marraige. for his sake, not yours.
andaman andaman 10 years
Listen to dear sugar. And try to follow her advice. She's spot on!
Marci Marci 10 years
I think you're ready to be out of this marriage. And it doesn't sound like you're two people who should really be together. I agree with Dear on all fronts, and especially on not having a child. It would be so unfair to inflict what's going on in your relationship on a child, AND a child is not going to make your relationship better.
lickety-split lickety-split 10 years
correction: how you husband steals form you. you know spouses from each other. community property and all that.
lickety-split lickety-split 10 years
dh is "darling husband" or "dear husband". since the poster kept saying "but that's not why i'm writing" i felt like she was dragging things up just to justify her actions (past and future). as if she was just fine with everything until she got her new hot image and decided he wasn't worthy of her. she even said "he's been a great guy for the last few months". so here is the great guy at home and the newly thin wife out on the prowl :( also, not understanding how you "steal" from your husband.
SU3 SU3 10 years
btw... what is 'dh'? :? I've been trying to figure it out for awhile... lol
SU3 SU3 10 years
Lickety - I see your reasoning and agree somewhat. I do believe in working on a relationship and not bailing on the other half just because things get tough. Leaving your husband just because he MIGHT not be able to provide you a child is something I do not agree with either. But to me, it sounded like things were not right waaay before all of that. It sounded like they both got married for all the wrong reasons (getting married JUST because you've been together for soooo long). And the verbal abuse and stealing does not seem healthy at all. Giving your number to someone else while you are married was obviously not the right thing to do too and just because you are feeling confident does not give you the reason to look for someone new WHILE you are still married. It sounds like they are just hurting each other and that does not sound like a healthy relationship. IMO, if the good times don’t outweigh the bad… then something is wrong.
grl-in-the-world grl-in-the-world 10 years
I agree that this is not the right relationship to bring a child into! That would make the situation even worse! If you are not in love with your husband and he is abusive then THAT should be your reason for leaving (not because you feel "hot" and think you can do better physically). I'm sorry that you married someone who treats you badly, it really sounds like it's a very unhealthy relationship and you need to either go to couples counseling or just get out of the marriage. I don't think you should cheat on your husband, if you want to be with another man then get a divorce first, you'll just feel guilty and cause more problems if you cheat.
lickety-split lickety-split 10 years
it's really dissapointing to read the "don't be unhappy" cut your losses and leave advice. do any of you believe in "till death do us part"? what exactly do each of you think "in good times and in bad" mean? sounds like as soon as someone is unhappy or thinks they can do better the vows they took don't apply to them. marriage isn't all roses and smiley faces and when someone goes through a major change (such as apperance) there is going to be a period of adjustment in the relationship. if this were a woman saying that her dh suddenly found her unattractive because she had gained weight and he wasn't happy would you be saying "well it's his right to be happy! don't stand in his way! he can do BETTER!"?
Lemonada Lemonada 10 years
Ok, here is what I think. Coming from a single mother of two who was married I know exactly how you feel. I was only married for a year and a half but was with him for seven all together. I didn't feel attractive anymore and I felt like I was lost. Being that you don't have children yet, this would be a good time to really examine your relationship and figure out what YOU want. It's hard to take advice from other people if they are not experiencing what you are, but I have come to find that being verbally abused is worse than being physically abused. If you feel that this marriage is over and you think that there is something better out there for you I say go for it. YOU need to be happy and that is all that matters. Please don't waste your life being miserable, it's not fair to YOU!! Tracy
SU3 SU3 10 years
That was GREAT advice from Dear and I 100% agree. You don't sound happy in this marriage and in my opinion, it would NOT be fair to bring a child into it. And he has no job? How is he contributing to your relationship?? Don't allow this unhappiness to continue. Get out. TAKE CHANCES. Start new. You deserve to be happy! Good Luck
lickety-split lickety-split 10 years
sounds like you've lost more than weight. all the bad mouthing your dh and saying "but that's not the issue" is an attempt on your part to excuse for your poor behavior. married people don't give out their cell phone numbers to people that hit on them; not the ones who are really committed to their relationship. in tending to your body you stopped tending to your marriage. surely both are possible. no doubt hubby senses your lack of effort in the relationship and wondering eye. your acting selfish and childish. get over yourself.
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