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You Asked: To Move or Not to Move?

Dear Sugar,

I am moving half way across the country to move in with my boyfriend. I am totally in love with him and we have discussed getting married. Here is the problem - his ex-girlfriend spends the night at his house and sleeps in his bed. I just found this out and apparently this happens on occasion and she just spent the night there night before last!

He has a guest room and she only lives 15 minutes away! Why does she need to sleep in his bed? I told him I didn't like it and that it is really disrespectful to me. He assures me the relationship is totally platonic and that they are just friends. He doesn't understand why I don't trust him. I don't think they are having sex but I still don't like the idea of her sleeping next to him in the bed I picked out! I was certain that moving and uprooting my life was worth it to be with this guy, but now I couldn't be more confused. Do I move but just get my own place? Do I move in with him? Do I end the relationship? Help! — At a Loss Leslie

To see Dear Sugar's answer

Dear At a Loss Leslie,

Hmm, I must say I am at a loss here as well. There is absolutely no excuse for your boyfriend to be sleeping in the same bed as his girlfriend, "platonic" or not. How did you find out this information? If he told you, at least he is being honest with you, but I am still left wondering why they are hanging out in the first place. There is a reason why they are ex-boyfriend and girlfriend, and we all know that it's a constant debate whether or not men and women can be friends, so something's gotta be up.

If your boyfriend doesn't understand why you don't trust him, ask him how he would feel if he found your ex was sleeping in your bed — I have a feeling he wouldn't be a happy camper. I am not sure if you have already quit your job and gotten rid of your apartment, but if I were you, I would delay this move until you get these issues resolved. Find out if continuing a relationship with you is what he really wants. You say you have talked about marriage, but make sure you are not moving with any false expectations. Uprooting your life is a huge step so it's imperative to make sure you are 100 percent on the same page and that his ex is completely out of the picture. If your boyfriend can prove to you that he's ready to commit and can be trusted, then, and only then would I say go for it. Trust your gut Leslie, if you're writing me asking what to do, I have a feeling you know what the answer is here. Good luck.


Join The Conversation
jauntycap jauntycap 8 years
He's not your boyfriend. He's that other girl's boyfriend. And he's f*cking her. BELIEVE THAT, not his little tired stories. I KNOW you ain't friggin dumb. Count yourself soooooo lucky that you dodged this bullet. It would totally suck to find out about this after already having moved out there. YOU ARE SO LUCKY!!! You just saved yourself a year or two or three of misery, sh*tty boyfriend style. Go out with your girls, get your hurrr did, get your nails did, get in your coor, go to the boor, and raise your glasses to the good life.
CaterpillarGirl CaterpillarGirl 9 years
oh and get tested.
CaterpillarGirl CaterpillarGirl 9 years
Good Lord, no questions here. Dont move, Dump him, and find someone close to you, and DONT MOVE IN WITH THEM.
lovelylawyer lovelylawyer 9 years
I agree with all y'all. You obviously are uncomfortable and unhappy about this situation or you wouldn't have written in about it. So it is crossing some boundary that you have set for yourself, even if "platonic". Trust your gut - it is totally weird and you are right to be upset about it. You are willing to make a huge change in your life for him and he is not. That's not fair. If you move there, you are setting yourself up to be in a relationship with her just as much as with him. And that ain't a good thing darlin.
JessNess JessNess 9 years
I really dont think I need to say anything since the 56 comments above me said it all BTW erratic-assassin: Cruse words are censored because the Sugars are trying to keep this a friendly community. They only * certain could be worse so I wouldnt complain :D
sunnynight sunnynight 9 years
"Platonic relationship"? Wonder what other "platonic" things he's going to do with other girls once you're married. Don't move.
mlen mlen 9 years
its one thing if it was his best friend for ever sleeping in his bed. its another to be an ex. i used to sleep in my guy friends bed when i visited him and my friend (they were roomies) because his bed was the only place in the apartment not covered in dog hair (i'm allergic and he didn't let the dog in his room). i'd do that even when i had a bf. but the difference was i had never been anything more than friends with this kid- never even kissed him drunk and never was attracted to him. we were friends since college and this only happened like 2 days a year when i went to visit my friends. the fact that your bf is sleeping in the same bed with an ex is just disrespectful in my opinion. even if they aren't fooling around, he should have more understanding about the situation. as stated above, how would he feel with the tables turned? i think you should take a little more time before you uproot and move.
pinklove89 pinklove89 9 years
leave him only an asshole would do that i should know..i dated a guy for a while and then he ended things for me and we became "best friends" and i spent the night with him all the time and we even slept in the same bed and while some nights it was just sleeping some nights we did hook up..i had no problem with it because i wasnt seeing anybody and we were just FWB's..and it wasnt till about 3 months later that i found out he had a girlfriend the entire time!!! needless to say i stopped all connection with him not to mention i felt guilty even though i never knew maybe his ex girlfriend doesnt even know hes dating someone she doesnt see anything wrong with it because no girl i know would knowingly sleep in the same bed as an ex when hes with someone else..look at my happens
Muirnea Muirnea 9 years
THIS IS INSANE!!!!!! LISTEN TO WHAT EVERYONE IS SAYING!!! THERE IS MORE TO THIS THAN HE IS TELLING YOU!!!!!!!! Dump this jerk as fast as you can and run away, really really fast!!!!! And DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT MOVE FOR THIS GUY!!!!!!!
njau njau 9 years
I had a friend a while back (girl) who actually did this on occasion, just platonically sleep in her male friend's bed with no expectation of anything and since it was a dorm style living arrangement she actually just lived down the hall. At first I didn't think anything of it until I realized he had a girlfriend and I was shocked myself. She made the mistake at some point saying this to the girlfriend and the girlfriend was not amused. Well for one, he never mentioned it to her and two, you just do'nt allow that to happen. Those two are no longer together for other reasons but you never know.
Yea, I'd dump him real quick! What guy, with a brain in his head, thinks its ok to allow his ex to sleep over, not to mention in the same bed! You may not have set specific boundaries concerning exes, but an idiot would know that a boundary has been crossed. I would guess that he has no consideration for your feelings what so ever. And, this has been happening? How many times can you sleep with an ex before something sexual happens?
GrandEntrance GrandEntrance 9 years
girl, plueeez
Beauty Beauty 9 years
Whoa, sounds like you're dating my ex. I once had a boyfriend whose ex was coming to town to visit. She was staying with him, which I was fine with. I assumed she was sleeping on the couch, but when I asked, he said, "No, she's sleeping in my bed." "The hell she is," I told him. Dumped that chump and haven't looked back! Don't move to be with him. Don't date him. You deserve better, and if you don't stand up for yourself, he'll keep taking advantage of you.
sunami sunami 9 years
I agree a serious talk is NEEDED. If he keeps telling you to trust him then you should tell him to listen to you. If you don't feel comfortable with his relationship with his ex, he needs to know. If he refuses to understand your feelings then you should drop the relationship. Don't be afraid to walk away because there is nothing worse then the one who got away! If he is smart he will wake up to the idea. P.S. They or one of them are up to something and if it hasn't happened already, it will. Always stand up for yourself and never, ever back down!
PJ-PJ-PJ PJ-PJ-PJ 9 years
Really, you don't think he's sleeping with her? You need to get a grip on reality, girl. Don't you dare move. The only place/thing you need to leave is your boyfriend.
KimmieChronicles KimmieChronicles 9 years
Definitely do not move for this person. It seems as though he wants to have his cake and eat it! He has already betrayed your trust by letting his EX-GIRLFRIEND SLEEP IN HIS BED WITH HIM! If she lives 15 minutes away, that's even more fishy! Don't even give him a chance. He was obviously not considering your feelings when he let her sleep in his bed with him. Again, a word to the wise, do not move!
erratic-assassin erratic-assassin 9 years
and WTF is up with censoring my foul language on this site anyway? freedom of speech mofos! lol girl can't express herself.....grrr.... that's it! I ain't coming back no more! happy place my ass.
erratic-assassin erratic-assassin 9 years
WELL DIP ME IN SHIT AND ROLL ME IN NUTS! what a shady guy....castrate him! lol and THEN leave the relationship...
workin9to5 workin9to5 9 years
In case the above comments aren't enough, I'd like to give you more reasons why what he's doing is so completely wrong. Let's say he could somehow prove things were totally platonic and that they really just sleep and talk in his bed and have never so much as touched one another in that bed (which, of course, he CAN'T prove). Just for argument's sake, let's say they have never crossed that line and don't even want to cross it. Then why is she sleeping in his bed? It would have to mean they stay up late talking or watching movies together and fall asleep together. others have said, that is an emotional affair. They are acting as boyfriend and girlfriend and it isn't right or fair to you. It's one thing if they go to the movies together or grab a bite to eat now and then, as friends. But this behavior crosses the line into emotional affair territory. It is way too intimate for "just friends." This is the rule of thumb, I think, just to make it totally clear: if he wouldn't do it with his best guy friends, it's not appropriate to do with his friends who are girls. Would he lie down in bed with his guy friend watching movies, talking until late, and then fall asleep together in that bed? Let's all say it together: NO!!! I'm sorry, you know it would never happen. If his guy friend were over and didn't feel like driving home or was drunk, you'd better believe he'd be in the guest room. No matter what the deal is, if it's physical or not, this is wrong. And the fact that he doesn't realize it's wrong and tries to claim it's okay as long as they aren't getting physical, well that is even worse. He is either lying about that, or he's telling the truth but has no common sense, logic, or respect for you. GET OUT NOW!
herjoiedevivre herjoiedevivre 9 years
wow. and I'm #42 telling you "what the HELL"! when I read this my jaw dropped. this is unbelievably sketchy. he's not respecting you to make a move halfway across the country WORTH it.
sugarbritches sugarbritches 9 years
Yeah, definately tell him to lose your number.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 9 years
He doesn't understand why I don't trust him. I don't think they are having sex
Right, he's just telling her a bed time story. Mon dieu! Why are you moving? Get a grip and a relaity check!
MuppetsForDinner MuppetsForDinner 9 years
I'm only adding this post to give you one more person's opinion that you should RUN AWAY! Now! P.S. Why the heck would he even TELL you this? Is he TRYING to make you jealous? If so, what an ass. If not, he's still an ass.
groem6 groem6 9 years
Even if this girl wasn't his ex, I'd say he's crap. Sleeping together with others when involved with someone? What's wrong with him?
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