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You Asked: Was Moving In a Bad Idea?

Dear Sugar,

I'm 25 years old and currently living with my boyfriend of four months. He recently moved to Ohio from California, which is why we co-habitated so quickly. Things are great, we are very happy and I believe he is the one. This is my first time living with a boyfriend, so I have a lot of questions. First off, is it normal for us to not have sex as often as we did before I moved in? I also seem to be getting uptight about the smallest things. I often find myself doubting our relationship if he forgets to kiss me before he leaves the house or if he doesn't seem excited to see me when he gets home.
My friends have been telling me it's because we now live together and that drastically changes a relationship but I just need some help and advice on how to ease into this change. How do I stay sane and in love all while living together and adjusting? — Acclimating Annie

To see DearSugar's answer

Dear Acclimating Annie,

You said it right, you're still adjusting to living together so before you get too carried away, I think you should take a step back and look at things realistically. Yes, there's an acclimation period you should take into account, but if you're feeling more distant from him than you were when you were living apart, it's time to have a heart to heart with your boyfriend. Since he knows you'll be home when he gets there, I bet he doesn't realize how you feel when he forgets to kiss you goodbye — so tell him! If you're nit picking about the small stuff, talk about your frustrations out-loud so he knows what he needs to do differently. I also suggest setting some house rules around chores, having people over, coming home late, cooking, paying the bills, etc. It's important to have set expectations so feelings don't get hurt.

As for the lack of sex in your relationship — I can't say if that's due to the move in, but if you feel something's missing, make sure intimacy is a top priority for both of you. Create more romance or set dates if you have to. Since you now have a roommate who is also your lover, it's more important than ever to keep the lines of communication open — it's what will make this living situation and relationship flourish.


Join The Conversation
bubblyw bubblyw 8 years
You'll adjust to it. It's a good sign that you're aware that you're acting in a way that you'd rather not. If you can catch yourself to prevent blowups, that's a good thing. In time, you'll reach a place where you won't have to worry about what to make a big deal out of and what to let go, you'll be able to do it more reasonably and without obsessing so much. It's just a HUGE adjustment. Go easy on yourself, and on him. You'll get to a place, sooner or later, that you'll be comfortable with.
ilanac13 ilanac13 8 years
i have to say that it probably is a LOT to do with the fact that you live together - not that it's a bad thing, but the fact that you see each other all the time so it's less of the anticipation of seeing each other and all that. when my fiance and i moved in together - we found that it was a big learning experience. we've lived together for almost all of our relationship (about 2.5 months into it) and we learned a lot about each other that kind of made us think about how we acted towards each other differently. there are times even today that he gets sad when i don't say good bye to him in the AM when i leave for work...and it just means that i have to think about things more. just talk to him and focus on the things that you love about each other and you'll start to get some of your spark back.
Blackwidowchick Blackwidowchick 8 years
I think sex dies down in any relationship as time goes on. It's not normal however if everyday you are trying to start something and he rejects you, then there may be a sign something is wrong. Men are weird. He is happy you two live together, even if he doesn't jump for joy when you get home. Now that I live with my husband he never takes me out. He thinks we could just be at home together for free. Men just think so differently.
AlexE70 AlexE70 8 years
All relationships have an eb & flow to them. And over times, you both may reach a comfort level were, unfortunately you either start to take things for granted, or come to expect things that were once freely given before you moved in. Living together is a huge step in any relationship. I'd say, if you really want to manke it work, the best thing you can do is communicate often. Not just the usual morning chit-chat over breakfast or over the dinner table, but real discussions about your feelings and perceptions. And You may find that the smallest, trivial things can easily be resolved by just talking about them. And above all, try and remain honest with your significant other and yourself. If you see that things aren't working, and you're not sure it can be fixed, talk about it.
angelinamichael angelinamichael 8 years
I don't understand what it exactly means when people explain to others how "moving in together changes everything." I moved in with my boyfriend of 5 years 2 years ago. I was really worried at first because people kept telling it that it will change the entire relationship dynamic, but really it didn't. We are both very independent people with very different jobs, friends and hobbies and for that reason alone its one of the best relations I've ever endured. Our love making varies but we still make love at least 3-4 times a week. It's good. Don't listen to what others say and definitely don't compare your relationship with others. Each relationship dynamic is unique from everyone else's.
scissorz scissorz 8 years
chill out on the 4 months thing guys! i personally think that if it is going to work then it will. my bf and i moved in together and relocated about 4 months into our relationship. 4.5 years later we are still together and super happy. i think that we still had lots of sex though. i'm not totally sure when that slowed down (not that we never do it but we go through phases of less physicality and more) maybe after a couple years? living together took work, but neither of us was ever miserable.
princess_eab princess_eab 8 years
Oh, I missed the part about you guys only having dated for four months?? wow. okay, so my advice applies 110% especially because you are supposed to be in the "honeymoon" of dating still! I moved in with my ex after 1.5 years and it was still too soon...
graylen graylen 8 years
I think Princess_eab gave great advice. I think that's it's still so new for both you- new relationship, change in the relationship, moving in, etc, etc. That's when it would take even more work. Definitely talk it out. If he's not willing to talk about any of it, I would suggest him finding his own place for a little while until you guys can define yourselves in this new environment.
Mesayme Mesayme 8 years
I think you grow out of that. 25? yes definitely. And 4 are lucky if he knows 3 of your relative's names sweetie.
Ac2366 Ac2366 8 years
Moving in together after 4 months of dating is too soon. If he is already getting on your nerves then that is a bad sign. Think about all the stuff you don't even know about him yet! Yes, its normal for the sex to slow down after you get off that new relationship high but it shouldn't slow down to the point where you are complaining about it. Talk to him. See if he is receptive and if he is then maybe you can make it work.
CYL CYL 8 years
hithatsmybike..I mean the 4 months is not mentioned in the Dearsugar post but IS in the grouptherapy post...but than I re-read the post and realized that my coffee withdrawl is getting the best of me (thanks for the correction) I knew something was missing from the post...but ya you are right..what's missing is that it was an online relationship before moving in together..oops Perhaps this whole quitting caffiene idea is not so good :P
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 8 years
Well, it's obvious that you didn't talk things out before deciding on living together. Have that talk now.
hithatsmybike hithatsmybike 8 years
CYL, the 4 months of dating is mentioned -- what isn't mentioned is that it was an online relationship before moving in together.
bchicgrl bchicgrl 8 years
First things first, moving in after 4 mos is way to fast IMO. Living with your SO shouldn't be a necessity, it should be when you both are truly ready to take that step. On the other points, you def need to talk to him about what's bothering you. He might simply need time to adjust but you won't know until you ask him straight up.
CYL CYL 8 years
...this was also in group therapy....p Poster also includes the detail that they were dating for 4 months before they moved in together (which is missing in this post)
queenlizzie queenlizzie 8 years
Relationships have ups and downs, but if you're feeling more down than up, that's a problem. Honestly, 4 months seems REALLY soon to move in together--I can't even imagine doing something like that. I'd suggest moving into a new place and doing some more growing into the relationship. Your relationship shouldn't be based on the fact that you live together, so if it's going to work, it should work whether you live together or not.
princess_eab princess_eab 8 years
You really have to work at it. Trust me - if you "let things go", especially sex, the relationship will be over before you know it. It happened to me this year, after a 3-year relationship in which we were positive we were getting married by month 3. You must have a conversation with him about both of you being willing to work on it together. Make sure to have date nights (don't just stay in all the time) and nights out with your friends alone, too. If you need to, establish a schedule of chores, or at least agree on who does what and when. Always say "please" and "thank you" when you're asking each other to do something. Keep your relationship special and try not to let it slide into a roommate or sibling relationship - this is easier said than done!! Honestly, you have to still be your best self - the best self you can be - and continue to try to impress him (the same goes for him). It's normal for the sex to slow down, but *do not* let it die. Initiate like you've never initiated before!! I'm very serious about this. Personally, my awful experience convinced me to be married before I ever live with anyone again - living together daily is really hard work, and for me I think a legal commitment from both sides is needed to convince each person to do their share. Anyway, sorry if I've scared you - just remember to be your best self...
katty22 katty22 8 years
listen to me , don't be worried at all about that thing ..u know why ??? cuz most of lovers pass in this ..and they can over come this problem ..u'll ask me how ..well just try to leave him at least 2 dayz not more and after that u 'll notice how much he loves u !!!!! by asking about u " oh where's she now " i miss her alot !!!!! home is not that good without seeing her at .
TidalWave TidalWave 8 years
Has he ever lived in Ohio before? He is adjusting to a lot more than just living with you. He has to deal with a new job/position/career, a new place, a new bunch of stuff and he probably has a whole lot on his mind right now. Personally, I would have suggested him getting his own place for at least six months so he can adjust on his own. But at the same time, perhaps having you there as something familiar will help him adjust to the new surroundings easier and quicker. I agree with sugar that you should talk about things before they escalate. As far as having less sex, if you were in an LDR before, I bet that you two went at it every time you were together, since you weren't together all that often. Now, he knows that he has the opportunity, practically, all the time; so perhaps it is less of a priority for him. If this bothers you, try initiating more.
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