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You Asked: Will Moving In Ruin Everything?

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend of almost two years just got into law school and I couldn't be happier for him. For the past four months we have been discussing moving in together when both of our leases are up in October and the only uncertainty was where. Now that he knows where he'll be for the next three years, we've started to search for the right areas, prices, and furniture. He is very excited about this move, but I am freaking out. This is the most healthy relationship I have ever been in, I am extremely happy and in love, but what if moving in together ruins everything? I understand that it is the next step but I can't help but look seven months down the road. So much can happen over the next seven months and I'm starting to really freak myself out. Do you have any advice? — Tripping Tanna

To see DearSugar's answer

Dear Tripping Tanna,

Moving in with your boyfriend is a huge step so don't be so hard on yourself for freaking out a little! While it may seem like the time is right, I highly advise you to really discuss the seriousness of what you're doing. Make sure you're on the same page about money, your expectations for the future, how to handle arguments and house guests, how his study/school schedule will affect you, etc. While it might seem like all fun and games, living with someone takes a lot of compromise and understanding too.

You're right, seven months is a ways away, but keep it all relative Tanna. If you're paranoid that something is going to go wrong between now and then, you're going to taint this exciting time in your life. Talk to your boyfriend about the way you're feeling so he can help calm your nerves, and it also might be a good idea to talk to friends that have cohabited before. While living together means something different for every couple, they might have some words of wisdom for you.

You say everything is going well in your relationship so far so I'd just take a step back and trust that nothing will change for the worse — I'm sure living together will just bring you even closer together! Good luck.


Join The Conversation
bluebirdy bluebirdy 8 years
Why is moving in the next step? What about just dating and not living together until you're ready to get married? Why do young people today feel that once you've been dating someone for a certain amount of time, you have to live together? Every single case of boyfriend/girlfriend moving in together I have ever seen has ended badly, I strongly recommend against it. You can still be in a loving, committed relationship without living together...I just can't get over why young people feel they need to live together. I'm 29, my husband and I waited until we were married to move in together (of course everything was planned beforehand so that the place was ready for us) and it has been amazing. We loved each other, dated for 4 years, and then moved in together/got married. Moving in together before getting married or planning to get married, statistically, leads to breakup. Also, it puts unnecessary pressure on the relationship. You're NOT married, so you don't have to act like it (until you are). Sorry if I sound harsh, but I've seen this happen so many times.
babysoftpink babysoftpink 8 years
till engagement is good. I've done it once and it was the worst thing ever. Make sure the guy is committed to living together and he's kind and loving when dealing with disputes as whatever turbulence you are go through in the relationship would ONLY be exaggerated when cohabiting. Personally, I would never ever do this with anyone till we've set a date to get married.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 8 years
Wait 'til you're engaged.
JenBrett JenBrett 8 years
I've lived with 2 beaus and I will never do it again. Not until there is a ring on my finger and a deposit on the reception hall. I hear all the time "but don't you want to make sure you can live together?" If you have been together long enough to consider moving in than there is nothing, short of a nasty porn habit, that you're going to learn about that person that will make or break the relationship.
cptnruthless cptnruthless 8 years
It will either work out, or it wont. I moved in with my ex, who I thought I was in love with - OMG it was a complete 180 and it was horrible after only a couple months in. I am so glad that I found out before getting married to him! I moved in with my current boyfriend, and it's been great for over a year now - which makes me that much more confident that this is a relationship that is going to last forever :)
Janine22 Janine22 8 years
I think that thing you have to keep in mind is that there will be a period of adjustment, that it may be hard at first or you may find that you fight more. I think that is just normal settling in stuff, just make sure you both have your own lives and you will be fine.
femmeriots femmeriots 8 years
i'm in a similar situation. my boyfriend and i both moved to japan to teach english. we lived in different cities but it was close enough that we saw each other every weekend. since his contract has expired, and he decided not to renew with his current company, he wants to find a new job in tokyo. that is an hour away by plane and at least 6 hours away by a combination of bus/shinkansen. the distance isn't too great but it is really costly to travel within japan. just to get there and back is looking at $300US (by bus/train). anyway, my contract is up in october and i'm thinking about moving in with him in tokyo but i've never lived with a guy before. moreover, i don't know how long he plans to stay in japan and i want to go to graduate school. what should i do?
cassedy04 cassedy04 8 years
i had this same exact fear a year ago when my bf and i moved in together. i remember bawling my eyes out like a week before hand while he was calm cool and collected, but its been the best thing thats happened to us. i recommend it, as long as you are doing it for the right reasons! good luck :)
tlsgirl tlsgirl 8 years
Here's the thing: if you move in together, and it ruins everything, it would have fallen apart anyway. My BF and I have lived together for a while now, and I wouldn't have it any other way. Better to see it works/work the kinks out before you get married.
bluebird bluebird 8 years
I disagree with everyone who says that you shouldn't move in because you're "having doubts"- you're just anxious, nervous, and a little scared! It's perfectly fine to have that reaction. Moving in with someone is a BIG DEAL. Also, it's not true at all that you won't have anywhere to go and cool off when you're fighting. It's really easy to sit down and set up an agreement with him that if you want to go into X room and cool down he should let you go. I do agree that you should sit down with him and talk about what you're afraid of, because you can then work together on fixing whatever crops up between you instead of stressing about it alone.
vvvalerie vvvalerie 8 years
If you're asking questions, you have some doubts. That means there must be something in the back of your mind that worries you, which is the only reason I would think you might be better off waiting. Moving in does not necessarily ruin a relationship, but you get to see a lot of things that you didn't necessarily notice before about a person, and it can create a bit of a strain, and existing problems can seem bigger than before! Of course, if you two work well as a team, it can also make your relationship much stronger.
colombiansugar colombiansugar 8 years
I am firmly of the belief that you should move in and give it a try - you have been together for 2 years now, why not give it a shot? It will definitely enhance all aspects of your relationship (both good and bad), but I like this... it makes you decide if he is/is not "the one" before you make any potential marriage-related decisions. That said, living with *anyone* can be very hard, so keep communication wide open and make sure you are always respectful of one another. And it is a big decision, so nerves are completely normal... again, just keep the communication flowing and discuss everything (concerns and all). Good luck!
Annie4385 Annie4385 8 years
the most important thing to do in this situation is talk to him about your nerves. make sure you start the conversation by affirming your love and commitment to him, but you must must must be honest with him about it. keeping him in the dark may cause resentment in the future and he'll probably have some encouraging/inspiring words for you.
Spectra Spectra 8 years
My husband and I didn't move in together until we were married, but I will tell you that if you aren't 100% sure about the relationship, it'll be difficult. Living together means you will be with each other ALL THE TIME; you get to see him first thing in the morning, you get to deal with him getting out of bed at night to get a drink of water and then waking you up when he comes back to bed, you get to share things like rent payments, utility payments, groceries, toilet paper, stuff like that. If you have a good relationship already, living together's not hard. It's just a little bit of an adjustment, but you have to be emotionally ready for it.
kty kty 8 years
well you should first talk to him about your doubts and fears,cause this is a big step you are about to take,and you shouldn't have unrealistic expectations,he won't be perfect and might do stuff or act in a way that you wouldn't like,but that's part of living together,not easy but if that's what you want...go for it.
dm8bri dm8bri 8 years
Take some deep breaths. As Dear said, make sure you and he are clear about expectations and future plans. It will work out, or it won't, but it won't be the end of the world. A big change like this is naturally nerve-wracking, but if you want the relationship to progress you're going to have to live with him eventually, either now or after engagement or when you get married. Also, think about what is *really* freaking you out. Be open and honest with him about your feelings - if you can't talk about that stuff or he can't deal with it, then you probably shouldn't move in together. Either way, you'll be fine.
margokhal margokhal 8 years
I wouldn't do it. I'd personally rather have my own space to run to to cool off if he (or I) was being a big pain, or you encounter a SERIOUS relationship problem. You guys could still see each other whenever. Are you expecting the relationship to go any further, like getting married? I definitely wouldn't go in to living together with that mindset. Good luck, anyway.
greenapples1987 greenapples1987 8 years
don't freak out, you two will work out fine! 2 years in a healthy relationship is great, and i don't think moving in will affect things. enjoy this transation..after all, you'll have that great guy coming home to you every night! good luck:)
Ac2366 Ac2366 8 years
I personally don't recommend moving in with him if you have doubts. My one huge piece of advice is make sure you and your bf take time to spend doing things separately once you do move in together. If you're always hanging around together and constantly joined at the hip you're going to drive each other nuts.
princess_eab princess_eab 8 years
It won't ruin it - it will enhance 110% whatever problems/ issues/ concerns are already in the relationship. Roommate things like splitting chores are doable. Things like keeping your romance alive instead of being lazy roommates hanging out on the couch eating takeout are more challenging. And don't go in expecting a ring... 'cause once you move in without one, it might take an ultimatum on your part to move on to marriage.
kismekate kismekate 8 years
O man! This is exactly how I'm feeling right now. Except for my move in date is in 10 days! My boyfriend is completely calm and I'm completely nervous! I've lived with a guy before and it went to horribly. I hope that it won't be the same case here.
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