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You Asked: My Boyfriend Changed His Mind

Dear Sugar--

I am 18 yrs old and have been dating my boyfriend for a year and a half (he will be 21 in October). I'm very confused right now because he and I are planning on moving in together. We have been talking about this for at least six months, but now that I have finally talked to my mom and got her to accept it, he is very crabby and gets irritated when I bring it up. He says I talk about it every day, which I know I don't. My boyfriend is the most hard-headed person I know, so that makes everything difficult.

Well I don't know what to do with that, but on top of everything else, he has started to drink a lot more and go out with his friends almost every night, which I am sure is only going to get worse when he actually turns 21. I have a lot going on and just really need some advice, can you help me?

--Confused Catherine

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Confused Catherine--

Take this as a huge warning sign! It sounds to me like your boyfriend is NOT ready to live with you, even though he agreed to it in the past. He must have changed his mind, which is pretty disrespectful to you and your relationship, but it's better to find out now before you get settled into a new apartment. He should be honest with you and tell you that he's not ready, or that he changed his mind, or whatever his reason is, instead of turning the tables and insinuating you are pressuring him. If he's too "hard-headed" to listen, well then, he doesn't deserve to live with you in the first place. Living together is a huge step, so if you are struggling with communication now, I would re-think your decision to cohabitate.

Turning 21 is a huge deal to some people, since it allows so much freedom. It sounds like he'll want to be out drinking with his buddies and if that doesn't sit well with you, that is just another reason that living together just might not be the right thing to do at this time. Moving in with someone requires commitment, trust, patience, and respect, and unfortunately it sounds like he's too immature for all that. He needs to "sow his oats" and if I were you, I wouldn't be around when he does. Good luck Catherine.


Join The Conversation
kppontrucking kppontrucking 9 years
If I were you, I would back out of living with him and stop dating him now. Even if your age differences aren't large, there is a huge generational gap between 18 and 21. 18 year olds are just entering college (if you've chosen that path) and trying to figure out what type of job they would like. A mature 21 year old is getting ready to graduate college and join the real workforce and worry about paying bills like car insurance, health insurance, rent, and utilities. However, your boyfriend sounds like the complete opposite of this, he is lacking in maturity (blaming you solely for your relationship problems instead of questioning himself and going out drinking all the time). At this rate, he sounds like a future wive abusing bum. Don't let him bring you down and leave now. Find other people who will walk with you instead of dragging you backwards. You deserve a social life outside your relationship. Become an independent person. If you stay with him, he'll probably try to control the amount of access you have to your friends as a way of controlling you emotionally.
kayden kayden 10 years
If he is distancing himself, give him his time. You want a man to do everything by his own freewill. You can't make someone love you, spend time with you or do anything. You should go out and do things for yourself. You life should not stop because, of him. Take this time to build your self-esteem up. Go take college courses, go to the gym, take up a hobby or work a second job.. Go out with friends or family. Don't sit around and wait on him. He goes out..Right!! Who knows you could meet someone even better out there? The world is a big place. Good Luck!
spitfire2 spitfire2 10 years
Don't do it...period.
sass317 sass317 10 years
Youre setting yourself up for some long nights alone wondering where he is if you move in with him. Dont think for a second that hes going to change and come rushing home to you every night after you move in together- and let me tell ya, its a painful thing to wait for someone to come home, then go to bed and they are still not home, and then wake up at 3 or 4 in the morning and they are STILL not home. It will kill your self esteem and make you feel worthless and unloved. DO NOT move in with this guy.
Vsugar Vsugar 10 years
LISTEN TO DEAR SUGAR. Wait, maybe I didn't make that clear enough. LISTEN. TO. DEAR. SUGAR. You want to share a life with a man who cherishes you and doesn't see the time you spend together as a burden on his fun and free time. This guy is turning the tables on you and making you feel like you have done something wrong, and that's NOT WHAT'S HAPPENING. Don't let him change his mind, change yours. You can do better. Try living alone first. It's really great, and you will discover that when you know how to have a great life on your own, you will only demand the best from the people you choose to share it with. Good Luck!!
ninjastarlett ninjastarlett 10 years
sounds like more trouble than you need at your age. he wants to be free and go out and have fun and you should do the same. don't move in!
rkdub rkdub 10 years
I think that everyone has brought up some really good points... just trust us, we have ALL been there!!!! Those that haven't been there have seen friends that have been there... I live with my boyfriend now and let me tell you.... we had been together three years before moving in, and when we did there were a LOT of things that changed, not all of them good! BE WARNED!
nicachica nicachica 10 years
i would add that if you decide not to go through with moving out of your house, don't be afraid of your mother's reaction (i.e. i'm guessing you think she'll gloat or say "i told you so"). i'm sure she will be thrilled that you decided to be mature and take some more time before leaving the home. i'm not sure if that has anything to do with it, but i know that recently when i backed out of major decisions b/c i decided i wasn't ready, i told my mother thinking she was going to gloat but she just said that i had made a wise decision and let it go. of course i'm 25 and was seeking her advice, but same sentiment, no? good luck!
lickety-split lickety-split 10 years
18 is too young to be moving in with someone. see the drama before you even move 1 box???? it's because emotionally both of you have a lot of growing up to do. there is no shame in being young, enjoy it, it's very brief. one day you will be married with children and have responsibilities and obligations. now you are free to try different things, different jobs, different classes, date different people. if you choose too quickly you might miss out on something wonderful later. take your time :)
vanyvrgs vanyvrgs 10 years
I have a guideline. If you have to get your mom to agree to let you move in with a man -- you are too young. I know you probably think you are not but trust me. Moreover, everyone's advice is right, he appears to be too immature for it -- whether he changed his mind or not, he is not as gungho on this move and the communication issue tells me that you should not move in right away but wait for both of you to grow up a bit. Good luck!
viridiana viridiana 10 years
You are so young!!!!!!!! And he is like a little boy who doesn't know what he wants. You should think about it a lot because it's a huge step in your life!!!!! You wont be happy with a guy who doesn't want to settle down with you. I have been living with my boyfriend for a year and it's been wonderful to stay at friday nights and cuddle in bed while my single friends are still struggling with dates and little minded boys, but I'm 10 years older than you!!!!!!!!! and have dated, kissed, drank, danced and also cried, for quite a while. Enjoy your time, you have so much to see and taste !!!!
A_Kat A_Kat 10 years
Wow. I agree with DearSugar. That was really great advice. Nicely put, as well. I know it's hard to hear... but some guys are just not ready to grow up as quickly as women are.
pinupsweetheart pinupsweetheart 10 years
I agree that is sounds bad. I think you guys are both too young to move in together. If he is being such a pain in the rear end, what is going to happen when it comes that time of the month to pay rent and bills? Are you going to be ok with him partying late at night, drinking with his friends and coming home at odd hours of the night? You are only 18. You have so much life to live. I think your mom has a right to get grrrr every time the subject comes up. Moving in with a guy is a HUGE thing. HUGE. I am going to be 26 this October and I am living with my 27 year old boyfriend and his 29 year old brother until I find a place of my own. (I just moved to Arizona from California and I don't know the area.)I love my guy to death, but I know we are not ready for that type of move. You discover things you didn't know your boy did until you move in. Trust me. NO matter how long you date, you don't really know that person until you live with them. I think you should try to get a place of your own or maybe with a girl friend and try living NEAR each other, not together.
fab4 fab4 10 years
SLOW DOWN. I think you may regret settling down so young. Go to college, date and have fun, and get rid of this guy. He doesn't want to be tied down, so don't make him.
Marci Marci 10 years
I agree with everything everyone has said here. Lots of red flags here, you're really young, and he's exhibiting all the behavior of a guy who has changed his mind. Don't be in such a hurry to tie yourself down because forever is a really long time. Have some fun, try different things, find a career - find out who you really are. You'll be happy you waited.
L7amiguita L7amiguita 10 years
This is going to sound SO mean, but you are only 18 and chances are the guy you are with NOW is not the guy that you are going to end up marrying. People change and grow apart-it's part of being young. Trust me, I'm 19 and I can attest to that statement. You are young and should be pursuing other avenues, such as education, travel, etc. Now is the age when you should be discovering the type of person you are and want to become. You really do have your whole life ahead of you, and in the end you are going to regret wasting so much time on a guy who would rather be 'free.' Boys, yes they are boys even at 21, are not ready to settle down. You shouldn't be willing to settle down either. Enjoy your youth because it will be over sooner than you know it. Take care :)
rubialala rubialala 10 years
RED flag, loose this guy before he really hurts you.
Princess-Rebecca Princess-Rebecca 10 years
Why are you moving in with him? You are only 18. We have the same age and i have been with my boyfriend for a year. He is 19. Enjoyyoure young life! You do not want to clean teh whole time cook dinners etc... Your boyfriend is probably backing up. He feels robbed of his freedom nd now wants to reclaim it by going out. And the moment he turns 21, you won't be seeing him much. Don't move in with him sweetie, enjoy your young years. You guys will have plenty of time to spend together!
cubadog cubadog 10 years
I am with DS on this one not only that your 18 years old I think you would soon regret not having the opportunity to really be independent. From your Mom's house to living with a Boyfriend is huge life change. I would start to find some other interest besides your boyfriend. Sounds to me like he is ready to play especially with his 21st birthday around the corner
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