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You Asked: My Boyfriend Constantly Talks About His Ex!

Dear Sugar--

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. We moved in together 9 months ago. After I moved in, I noticed that he started talking about his ex-girlfriend constantly. He never says anything great about her. I don't feel like he is comparing us. He just brings her up as part of a story. It has been 4 years since they broke up and they were together for 2.

There were a couple of stories that really bothered me. I asked him a couple of weeks ago if he wanted to go on trip with me. He agreed to go. I was making reservations and he told me that he stayed at the resort with his ex. She paid for him to get a massage there, etc. It seemed inappropriate. I was planning to foot the bill for a getaway for us and I felt like I had been slapped in the face.

The other time that it really got to me was we were watching the movie "Click." It is a "what if...could have been" kind of movie. He starts talking about how he is so glad that he didn't wind up married to his ex, blah blah blah. My thought was "Um, dude, you have sweet hotness on the couch next to you, why are you going there?"

At this point I am afraid to say anything about it. I've never confronted him about it. In every other aspect, he is perfect for me. I don't want to sound like a jealous raving maniac. Shouldn't he be over it by now? Help me, Sugar!

--Annoyed Amy

To see DEARSUGAR'a answer

Dear Annoyed Amy--

You took the words right out of my mouth! He obviously isn't over her if he continues to bring her name up. Since he's always mentioning bad memories, it makes me wonder how and why they broke up. Was it her idea and he had his heart broken? Or was it more his idea? Knowing this info could give you great insight into why he's still thinking about her.

Two years is a long time to be with someone, so by now you should feel like you can talk to him about anything. I would definitely speak up about how uncomfortable and upset this makes you. Ask him why he thinks about her so much, and if he wishes he were still with her. I wonder if he thinks that mentioning her in a "bad light" is somehow showing you how much he cares about you. Regardless of the reason, he needs to know how his incessant chatter about an ex-girlfriend in front of his current girlfriend is affecting you and your relationship. You deserve his 100% attention and love, without having to worry about a woman from his past.

It sounds like he needs a little help moving on so therapy might do him wonders. It could help him get to these deep-seeded thoughts he has about this girl. Only then will he be able to devote himself fully to you, if that is what he ultimately wants. I hope this helps Amy, and good luck!


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