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You Asked: My Boyfriend Doesn't Want to Marry Me

You Asked: My Boyfriend Doesn't Want to Marry Me

Dear Sugar,

I asked my boyfriend of four years if we could get married and he said no. He said he wants our relationship to be perfect, but no relationship is perfect!

I want to feel like he wants to be with me, and getting married would prove just that. As it is, we have sex once every two weeks and I'm beginning to feel like he's just not that into me anymore. Recently I surprised him, came downstairs in only my bra and panties, and he told me to move out of the way of the TV while he was playing video games.

Does it seem like I'm just being a nag or is he just being unfair? All I ever wanted from him was to have the American dream. He gave me a promise ring but I want an engagement ring. I want something that lets me know he thinks I'm special enough to spend the rest of his life with. I know for a fact with all my heart that he is my one true love. What should I say to him? How should I explain to him how I feel about this? Am I asking too much or what?

—Ready for Marriage Mandy

To see Dear Sugar's answer

Dear Ready for Marriage Mandy,

You are right that no relationship is perfect, and waiting for perfection could take a lifetime. When you're with the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, you both get a special feeling, and you just know that it's right. You're either ready for that or you're not, and it sounds like he's just not ready, so you need to ask him why.

It's also extremely important to get married for the right reasons. An engagement won't necessarily act as a proof of how special you are to him — he needs to show you that. Believe me when I say that marriage will not fix the issues in your relationship or prove that he wants you. Marriage won't change him or your relationship. It's a little piece of paper that you sign and it won't magically make someone act the way you want him to.

You've got to tell him that you need more from this relationship. Tell him that you feel like he's not showing you the love and affection that you deserve. Explain that you are in love and ready to take this relationship to the next level, but tell him why. Find out what he wishes was different and ask him if he thinks he'll ever want to get engaged. Many people have issues with marriage, so make sure you're on the same page. The only way you're going to know what your future holds is if you have an open and honest conversation about this. Good luck Mandy.


Join The Conversation
lily314 lily314 9 years
Actually, that "trend" is exactly opposite of the national trend. Psychology Today had an article a few months ago about the "Cohabitation Trap." The magazine found that couples were far more likely to get married before they are ready, because that's the next logical step (and path of least resistance) after moving in with each other. For everyone who feels a little bit heartbroken in a long relationship with no prospect of marriage, you have to decide what's more important to you: the person you are currently with, or the person who would marry you and be with you forever (not necessarily the same person). If you find that you value a marriage more than the person you're with, and there's no way of persuading that person to go for it, then you should leave. And in this particular case - he's a huge jerk for blowing you off for video games when you're trying to seduce him. You've got bigger problems than him not proposing.
CaterpillarGirl CaterpillarGirl 9 years
ANYONE noticing a trend here? no? all these "he wont commit, he wont marry me" are already living together....the old saying is true, why buy the cow when the milk is free?
calygirl calygirl 9 years
I have the same problem too. Been together for 4 yrs, living together for 2 1/2 and everytime I bring up the future I get told "oh a couple more years" i'm pretty much over it, I'm ready for my big day and bright future. I cant give you the best advice, but I think its time to move on. Its never to late to find your soul mate :)
AujahAcorn AujahAcorn 9 years
i am also in the same boat! we have been living with eachother for 3+ years and..... no dice. i am kinda heart broken all the time.
veronicaraye veronicaraye 9 years
well maybe you should ask him about it. you've been together long enough to have those kind of convos.
7kimba7 7kimba7 9 years
Pop- my boyfriend thinks you're a genius. "Women are funny. We ask a man a question. Man answers said question. We don't like the answer, so we try to figure out how to get them to give a different answer."
Marci Marci 9 years
I bow down to lickety split and pop goes the world here . Wise words from both of them.
The-Grizz The-Grizz 9 years
4 yrs is long enough time to where marriage should already be planned in my opinion. If he is set against marrying you, you should move on. Especially if when you are trying to be sexy and he is such an ass to tell you to let him play his games! JERK.
7kimba7 7kimba7 9 years
You feel like he doesn't want you anymore, he said no to getting married, and blew you off in your undies. I think that you will need to have a very blunt conversation with him... the kind where you are not afraid to get a negative response and you are ready to take it and leave if it goes that way. be ready to walk away, because no woman deserves to feel like she isn't valued by the person she wants to spend the rest of her life with.
Eternity Eternity 9 years
leave him. you are wasting your time. on the other hand, you can just go with the flow and enjoy what you have, then look back on the 5-6 years you spent "training" for the real thing. I say get a head start on the rest of your life.
allien86 allien86 9 years
I agree with everyone else. Have a talk with him and let him know that you feel he is 'the one' but that you want to get married. Dont give him an ultimatum but let him tell you how he feels about marriage and your relationship. If its not an answer you want to hear then think about leaving as if your wants/needs for the future arent the same then you are setting yourself up for further disappointment.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 9 years
The whole "perfect" thing is his way of feeding you a line and at the same time stringing you along, if you let him. You want to get married, you shouldn't have to beg. Leave. oh, and a promise ring? I wont eve go there right now except to say that it doesn't really mean anything.
QueenLizzy QueenLizzy 9 years
4 years is long enough for him to know, and I think that even though you love him, it may be time to be honest with yourself. You want marriage, and he doesn't sound like he does. It might be time to move on, or decide if you can give up getting married to be with him. Personally, I wouldn't sacrifice your dreams and vision for your life for him. You deserve more, and you deserve someone who you don't have to wonder about.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 9 years
I feel like there are misconceptions on both sides of the relationship here. He is obviously incorrect that any relationship can be perfect. And you seem to think that him marrying you is going to fix something about your relationship. Also, for your sake, I really hope he isn't your "one true love" because if that's true, then it doesn't bode well for you. Women are funny. We ask a man a question. Man answers said question. We don't like the answer, so we try to figure out how to get them to give a different answer. I would take this guy at face value and decide if you want to chance the fact that he'll change his mind after a few more years.
kellib kellib 9 years
Well, you have to decide if you are willing to give him another 4 years for him to decide he is NEVER going to want to get married to you. And maybe he will decide he wants to. But are you willing to take the risk that he WON'T? Thats EIGHT YEARS OF YOUR LIFE. Get the book "He's Just Not That In To You". If your ready to hear what it has to might make a lot of sense to you. It opened my eyes.
cittypark cittypark 9 years
honestly, if my bf did anything remotely close to that he'd be out of here. i know 4 yrs seems like a lot and it's just hard to let go, but if u feel like he's not that into you, you should take the hint and move on :]
lickety-split lickety-split 9 years
i personally feel that 4 years is long enough to interview for the position of wife. if both of you are done with your education and established in your careers why would you wait? is it because he's unsure? if so, what could possibly happen in the next 4 years that hasn't already happened in the last 4 years that would change his mind? i have a friend who ended a relationship with another friend of mine after 9 years bcause she finally realized what everyone else has known for years; he's never going to be ready to marry her. she's 38 now and not happy about starting over. he's entilted to his feelings and you are entilted to yours. and if you feel that being married is what you want then you need to leave this relationship and go after it. don't wait until you end up feeling resentful of him. 4 years is a long time to decide something and you know making no decision is really the same as saying "no" in this situation.
blondewithbangs blondewithbangs 9 years
me too christyty! Mine atleast WANTS to marry me, he just has no time line. He thinks its not big deal to wait another few years, um...we are 27 and have been living together for a year already. blah!
beautiful1nes beautiful1nes 9 years
Maybe he is just scared for that kind of commitment to you yet...I'm sure he loves you very much but marrige is a big thing you wana make sure you are doing the right thing.
chrisTyyy chrisTyyy 9 years
Wish I could help you with this, but I'm in the same boat :(
Vsugar Vsugar 9 years
I agree - Marriage is like a magnifying glass. If this is a good, healthy relationship, marriage will make it more so, and if there are problems, they will only get worse. I think making sure you know WHY you want to marry him is a really important part of this. Let me tell you a little story - I am now engaged to an amazing, incredible guy. I had a boyfriend a few years ago who I wanted to marry SO BAD. We eventually broke up because he just wouldn't do it. Well, I realized about a year later that I didn't REALLY want to marry HIM at all, I just wanted someone to WANT to marry me. Totally pathetic, but true. My fiance now - I guess I never worried about whether I was good enough to be married to him, or whether I was good enough to be married to ANYONE, I only thought about him and whether being married to him was what I wanted and what would make me happy. And about 6 months after I came to the conclusion that he was definitely the One that I wanted, he proposed =) Anyway, it sounds like things are only OK with you two, not great. Maybe things aren't BAD so you aren't breaking up -things should be great. You should be happy, he should make you feel great, and you should both be excited about having a future together. You need to be clear with him that marriage is important to you. You don't have to give him an ultimatum, but you do need to let him know that if he doesn't want to get married or doesn't want to get married to YOU that you need to know. Good Luck!
geek_diva geek_diva 9 years
I don't think you're asking too much, but it just sounds like you ultimately want different things. When he says he wants your relationship to be "perfect" maybe he feels that there is something missing. And pressuring him for a ring will not help make that better at all! Since you think he doesn't appreciate you enough anyway (ignoring you when you come down in your bra and panties!!) why not find someone who does?
chicaparati17 chicaparati17 9 years
I agree..marriage will not magically whip him into the person you want him to be. Nagging him about getting married will only make him resist. It has to be a mutual agreement. Maybe have a heart to heart with him again about what you want. If he cant agree or doesnt see eye to eye with you then maybe you are only "in love" with the idea of a relationship & marriage. Dont feel like marriage is automatically the next step..its not always the right thing to do. Best wishes!
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