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You Asked: My Boyfriend's Friend Won't Leave Me Alone

You Asked: My Boyfriend's Friend Won't Leave Me Alone

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend has a good friend who is a very nice guy, but when he drinks, he gets very touchy feely and kind of creepy. Lately he seems to be directing more of his bad behavior towards me, which is making me very uncomfortable. One night my boyfriend, his friend, and I were at a club and I was standing off to the side. My boyfriend was still on the dance floor when his friend came up to me and put his hand just under my breasts and made a gross comment about how lucky my boyfriend is to have me. I told my boyfriend, but he brushed it off, blaming the alcohol.

But the next time we were around his friend, he started acting inappropriate towards me again. This time my boyfriend took note. He asked his friend about what happened at the club, and he claimed he didn't remember it. But the final straw came the next time we were out and he had been drinking. This time he came up to apologize for how he acted, but all he did was try to grope me again. I got away from him as quickly as possible, but now my boyfriend and I are trying to figure out how to deal with this.

We know that he is completely harmless and would never do anything, but at the same time his behavior freaks me out. Normally I would tell him off, but he's my boyfriend's very good friend, and is also friends with the rest of the group. It's just a very awkward situation that I don't want to make worse. We don't want to completely offend or embarrass him, so we're looking for some advice on how to handle this situation delicately.

— Violated Viv

To see DearSugar's answer,


Dear Violated Viv,

This guy is consistently violating you and making you feel uncomfortable, and you're worried about his feelings! The fact is if he were completely harmless, you wouldn't feel uncomfortable around him. Your boyfriend needs to step up to that plate on this one. He needs to tell his so-called friend, in no uncertain terms, that he is never allowed to touch you in any way, and if that means he can't hang out with you guys anymore, then so be it. And if he ever tries to grope you again, you're well within your rights to tell him off straight to his face.

It sounds to me like this guy is used to getting away with whatever he wants when he's drunk because his friends aren't willing to stand up to him, and that's just not OK. Friendships are about mutual respect, and if this guy doesn't even respect his close friend enough to stay away from his girlfriend then I don't think he's the "good guy" you and your boyfriend think he is. In fact, a little embarrassment might do him some serious good. You should never have to put up with an uncomfortable or inappropriate situation to keep the peace, so don't let anyone, boyfriend, or otherwise, convince you to.


Join The Conversation
Janine22 Janine22 8 years
If he does it again, knee him in the balls. That should get the point across. Why are you worried about HIS feelings??? He is continuing this behaviour because you are allowing him to, and probably getting off on it. If you feel uncomfortable talking to him then get your bf to man up and tell his friend that if he ever tries to grope his gf again, he will beat the shit out of him. I am serious, this guy will not respond to subtlety. Perhaps he thinks you don't mind his groping or even like it. I just read your update and I am happy that your bf finally did something!
Fallen85 Fallen85 8 years
Yea, we found out that he had done the same thing to my man's bestfriend's wife as well in the past so no one was suprised when they heard our story. Creep.
Muirnea Muirnea 8 years
That's good Fallen! I'm glad you're bf stepped up and handled it!! And wow, that guy is such a jerk! 8-0
Fallen85 Fallen85 8 years
Hey Everyone, I was the one that originally asked this question to DearSugar. Here's an Update: Last night (Halloween) we went to the club with the guy and my boyfriend. The guy called us and asked where we were going and then invited himself along, I wasnt pleased but my boyfriend promised he would keep a very close eye on the situation. Almost immediately the guy started trying to hug me and put his hands on me and stuff and my boyfriend kept pulling me away from him and then laughing and saying "Yo, keep your hands off my girl dog! There's a chick over there dancing alone" and then my man would distract him with some girl. It kept happening and my boyfriend kept getting more and more pissed off until finally my boyfriend grabbed him and said "Dude, keep your hands off of her. You're freaking her out and I'm getting sick of it!" That pissed him off and he stopped for a while until he started trying to "apologise" to me by trying to get me to hug him. My man grabbed me and put me behind him and just kept telling his buddy to back off. It was really f*cking annoying so I'm pretty happy my man handled it so vehemently. At the end of the night the guy wouldnt get back in HIS car (I was DDing) and my boyfriend had to drag him in. The entire 30minute drive home we wouldnt speak to him and havent answered any of his calls today. My boyfriend is absolutely LIVID and refuses to even talk about his friend and how he acted last night. I know they will eventually speak again but if they do, i doubt his buddy will even attempt to touch me again. My baby is my hero :)
mushaboom mushaboom 8 years
He's a dick, and your boyfriend is a dick for brushing it off.
Muirnea Muirnea 8 years
TheMissus: "This guy's behavior is threatening, and if it were me, I would find the nearest bear bottle, break the bottom of it off, and stab the guy." Agreed. bellasugar: "A lot of times, we women are too worried about coming off like a big ol' b!tch to speak up — and that should stop. This a-hole is hardly harmless — he's groping inappropriately — and you're worried about him being embarrassed? Stand up for yourself." I also agree. LMAO Fallen ahhhahahahhahaha! :D Stand up for yourself! If you weren't worried about it you wouldn't be writing for advice on how to handle the situation. If someone ever even did that to me once they would wake up in the hospital wondering where they were and how they got there. And I agree that you should do something about it yourself, but you should also have full support of your wimpy bf, he needs to stand up to his friend too.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 8 years
He's so harmless you felt the need for opinions on the matter? Tell your boyfriend what's up and tell the guy off. Don't ever let anyone make you feel uncomfortable.
Phunkometry Phunkometry 8 years
Harmless?? He's made you feel incredibly uncomfortable by violating you on more than one occasion. It's sexual harassment! I'd say the harm has already been done. Alcohol is no excuse for this kind of behaviour, unless he accidentally bumps into you once and brushes your boob with his hand and gives you a hearty apology and it doesn't happen again. But this is on purpose, multiple times. What if it were something more than just groping? Would it be OK because he'd been drinking? Absolutely not. I recommend not worrying a whit about this guy's embarrassment. You need to give him a really, really stern warning, telling him that the next time will the last straw and you swear to God that if and when he does it again it will most certainly be the last time he does it to you or any other woman. I swear, some people are so disgusting. And yes, I agree that you definitely should have your boyfriend's strong support (if you don't, I'd say you should seriously question the relationship), but this is also definitely something that you need to take control of. What if this happens again and you don't have a boyfriend to run to? Women need to be able to do these things for themselves, absolutely.
drummerchick1 drummerchick1 8 years
this might not be totally appropriate, but I found this video and if you and your friends like to laugh like me, they might get the hint...
Vsugar Vsugar 8 years
Um, and exactly HOW is it that you know he's completely harmless???? He doesn't sound totally harmless to me - it sounds like he's, at minimum, sexually harassing you, and possibly sexually assaulting you. He is NOT harmless. He's an alcoholic who has no boundaries, no respect for women, and no ability to control his behavior. You need to tell your boyfriend, in no uncertain terms, that you will NOT be spending social time with this person. It's not an ultimatum - this is not a him-or-me statement, but be clear that you are no longer comfortable being around him AT ALL. If your boyfriend wants to continue to hang out with him, fine, but you won't be there - and maybe that's ok, but it's how it's gonna be. It sounds like he needs to enter an alcohol treatment plan - if this isn't how he behaves when he's sober, he may indeed have an alcohol problem. Another option with your boyfriend might be to tell him that you aren't willing to be around his friend unless everyone is sober, and that if the guy picks up a drink, you are leaving. Good luck with this - but do NOT compromise your safety in order to not offend this guy. You are totally right to be concerned, and you should not have to put up with that AT ALL.
ilanac13 ilanac13 8 years
i agree with this advice. you can only chalk it up to alcohol so many times, and if your boyfriend knows what's going on then he NEEDS to take a stand on this. he needs to protect you and make you feel safe and comfortable since that's what a man is supposed to do for you in your relationship. i think that this guy needs a strong dose of reality to know that regardless of whether you're sober or drunk, certain things are NOT OK.
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 8 years
I agree -- you need to speak up, and inform your boyfriend. Hopefully, he will back you up. I relate to this to a certain degree. My husband's best friend (of 20 years), started treating me inappropriately. Unlike the OP's situation, my husband's friend was never physical with me. It was non-physical. He started calling me on my cell phone to chit chat, inviting me to have lunch with him (one-on-one), etc. He acted like he was interested in me, and treated me like I'm a single woman (not married to his bestfriend!). He always contacted me when my husband was away. Each time he did that, I politely declined and rejected him. Also, I told my husband about it. He did not like it. He believed his best friend (deliberately) crossed a boundary, and that he was pursuing me. My husband has distanced himself (and us) from this friend. Truthfully, I am thankful about this because his best friend was making me really uncomfortable.
oohsexypenguin oohsexypenguin 8 years
I completely agree with Dear. Nothing about this guy's behavior seems harmless - in fact, it screams the opposite! He has no right to put his hands on you, no matter what the situation is. He's using alcohol as an excuse; I guarantee you that if he were sober and alone with you, he'd behave in the same way, if not worse. I would tell your boyfriend "Look, I've tried to handle it, and I've tried to be civil, and he's still being an a-hole. YOU need to step in and deal with YOUR friend, and until you do I refuse to go out with you if he's going to be there."
bluebellknoll bluebellknoll 8 years
OMG! Bella and two are cracking me up!!!
geebers geebers 8 years
Something similar happened to me- not by a good friend or my boyfriend's good friend but someone close enough. Know what I did? I smacked him and yelled that NO ONE touches me like that EVER. The look on his face was priceless. He said sorry and tried to make it seem as if it was a joke but trust me- he never pulled that crap ever again. And when he gave me the "oh im kidding" line I ignored him. He definitely felt like a total d!ck like he should. I advise you to do the same.
Fallen85 Fallen85 8 years
lol DTMFA! Yaaaaay
Beauty Beauty 8 years
A lot of times, we women are too worried about coming off like a big ol' b!tch to speak up — and that should stop. This a-hole is hardly harmless — he's groping inappropriately — and you're worried about him being embarrassed? Stand up for yourself. This behavior is not OK. I agree with TheMissus: Call the bastid, say, "Look, Cornholio, you have repeatedly touched me and it has to stop. If it does not, I will call the police." And if your boyfriend doesn't back you on this, you know what my Dan Savage refrain will be...
thelorax thelorax 8 years
I agree with Dear, are you SURE he's harmless??! That's very disrespectful and just icky. I think your bf should punch him in the face!
MissJules5x MissJules5x 8 years
most people that get attacked by people they know chalk it up to "them being drunk and harmless". DO NOT make excuses for this guy. what he is doing is sexually harrassing you and more and it will only get worse over time. i would stop hanging out with him especially being anywhere he may be when he is drinking. in college there was a guy that everyone said was so nice and he was harmless just a little too touchy feely. I never liked him and something about him was always off and he made me extremely nervous and disgusted when he got really close. he lived across the hall from me and was friends with my roommate so it was pretty hard to avoid but i did everything i could to stay away from him. the following semester i had heard he had forced himself onto a girl on our floor and also inappropriately touched/groped another girl that lived in our building. so much for being harmless. if something feels wrong it is. dont make excuses for him because he's your boyfriends friend.
kristyy kristyy 8 years
I agree with DearSugar. However, I'd take it one step further and slap the guy the next time he does it. In a stern voice, "Say, I've given you enough warning. Now get your &%@$! hand off me and don't EVER do that again." He thinks the only consequence is a simple, "Please don't do that" - which obviously isn't working in your case. Your wussy bf hasn't been of much help, so stop relying on him and get the job done yourself. I had a coworker who thought it was funny to hit me on the head with a stack of paper. I turned around and punched him and said, "If you EVER do that again, I will kick you." That totally surprised him and let him know that I won't take his crap. I didn't care that he had a high title. I don't put up things like that.
Jammi Jammi 8 years
"This guy's behavior is threatening, and if it were me, I would find the nearest bear bottle, break the bottom of it off, and stab the guy." LOL, hahaha, she should at least warn him first 'touch me again and I'll have to slice your ass...' ahahaha, sorry but that is so hood. But I definitely agree that he's the one who's in the wrong and to hell with his feelings. I don't care how drunk he is, he's making you uncomfortable and won't back off then it's time to make sure it sticks in his head that you don't like him like that, and if he ends up feeling shamed all the better so he won't try that on any other girl. Seriously, excusing his behaviour now is the worst thing to do. It's apparent he hasn't stopped and like TheMissus said this whole 'he'd never do anything' claim is bullshit, because if you really thought that you wouldn't be posting it on here. If you can't get out of going to things where he's going to be never be alone with him if you aren't able to confront him about his bad behaviour.
TheMissus TheMissus 8 years
It's not your boyfriend's job to address the issue. IT'S YOUR JOB TO DO IT DIRECTLY TO THE OFFENDER. Think about it, this is YOUR body. And he is violating you. And please don't try to use the excuse of "we know he would never do anything"... Because that is crap. That is the excuse people use when they are too weak to stand up for themselves, and then something bad happens to them. Do not underestimate this issue. Address it ASAP. Tell him that if he does anything inappropriate again, you will be pressing charges. You will be calling the police, and having charges pressed against him. Yes, your boyfriend should support you... But, again, you need to have the cajones to stand up for your body yourself. This guy's behavior is threatening, and if it were me, I would find the nearest bear bottle, break the bottom of it off, and stab the guy. But, if you prefer to go with the less violent route, contact the police. File an official report.
HeidiMD HeidiMD 8 years
I don't think you have to feel uncomfortable and physically violated just because he's your boyfriend's friend! If your boyfriend isn't willing to step up and tell his friend how inappropriate and vulgar he is, then I'd have to question that. He deserves to be embarrassed!
elizabethsosewn elizabethsosewn 8 years
honestly. I'd use my words first. "You're making me uncomfortable" like you seem to have said. but if that doesn't work I physically remove him from me, and then you just need to remove yourself from the situation. If there's alcohol anywhere, and he is there. Leave.
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