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You Asked: My Boyfriend and I Are Opposites; Should We Break Up?

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I have been having some issues for a few years now. He is not attentive, he is an extreme control freak, and he is very judgmental. I am the complete opposite. I do anything to see people happy, I don't like to feel controlled, and I am the least judgmental person you'll ever meet. This is obviously tearing us apart — we argue five out of seven days of the week.

Recently, I have become increasingly interested in my co-worker. He is amazing, sweet, caring, attentive and funny. He has told me multiple times that he really likes me and would love to take me to dinner. He respects that I have a boyfriend and that I denied his dinner proposal, but in the back of my mind I really want to take him up on his offer. I love my boyfriend, but I am not in love with him at all anymore and I really think that this man can show me the world. What should I do? — Stuck Sophie

To see DearSugar's answer

Dear Stuck Sophie,

It sounds as though you're mentally checked out of your current relationship, and with good reason, he sounds like an unhealthy partner for you. I'm glad to hear that you haven't accepted your co-worker's advances while in a relationship with someone else, but the fact that you want to is just another indicator that it's time to end things with your boyfriend. Though opposites can attract, it doesn't sound like he is bringing anything positive to the table.

Once you sever ties and grieve your relationship, explore the possibility with this other man, but in the meantime, I don't see why you can't deepen the friendship you're developing. Breaking up is never easy and I know how tough of a position you're in, so the best advice I can give you is to follow your heart and gut instincts. Good luck to you.


Join The Conversation
dikke-kus dikke-kus 8 years
I think you have made a decision already as Sugar suggests. I would be careful with this new guy too. Could be that you have nothing left but contempt for the current boyfriend which means the end for him. Give yourself some breathing room before running into other serious predicaments.
laluna27 laluna27 8 years
It seems like you already know what to do - opposites attract...sometimes - you guys clearly don't. It seems like this guy from your office is just what you need. Stop over thinking it and go with your gut.
designerel designerel 8 years
CYL is right on the money. It is pretty clear you're not happy in the current relationship, so why stay? And I like CYL's suggestion about holding off 3 months or so to see if the other guy is still interested. The others are right... he might be so persistent because he knows you're unavailable.
TidalWave TidalWave 8 years
It really depends on what you're both arguing about. Also, if you've put up with this for "a few years", are you all of a sudden thinking of ending it because of the interested co-worker? Would you still be thinking of ending it if there was no outside interest? Honestly, I would not pursue anything with the coworker even if you were single; but maybe that is the motivation you need to get out of a bad relationship. I would ask yourself if both you and your boyfriend are even trying to make the relationship work; either of you compromising on anything?
KadBunny KadBunny 8 years
I'm going to play the devil's advocate here.. especially since I was in the exact same position not too long ago. My boyfriend and I were stuck in a rut for quite some time (I'm talking months) and it seemed like every guy I met was better for me. They weren't. They gave me butterflies but in hindsight I realize there wasn't anything about them that would keep us together forever. Nothing. But my boy.. he may be my opposite (I'm an open book, he's private; I'm silly, he's serious), but when we talk it out he listens, and every time I tried to leave he would always, always desperately try to stop me.. and when he did I was glad because I never really wanted to let go anyway. I supposed it was my juvenile way of giving him a wake up call (although I did feel like giving up at times). But I stayed; and now we're okay. We vowed to be more patient and understanding with each other. I just hope you aren't being abused in any way (like Janine mentioned; that concerns me too), but if you just don't like the way he sees things sometimes--try to understand why he does and be patient. Have you even tried talking to him? Ask him if he's happy; if he feels it's worth trying and you should keep investing time trying etc. It could open his eyes to how wrong things have been and that there's actually a chance he might lose you. Hopefully it'll get you guys on the path to recovery. But then sometimes, there's just no hope. Good luck with that decision.
pixelhaze pixelhaze 8 years
um, he treats you like crap, you don't love him anymore, and you're having feelings about someone else? What exactly are you unsure of?! dump the guy already.
Janine22 Janine22 8 years
I am always concerned when I hear women say that men are controlling them. To me, that is abusive (especially since you say he is an 'extreme control freak'). Does he try to control your life, your friends? Does he limit your time with family? These are abusive, and abusive men will do these things in order to isolate you and make you feel more dependent on the, so that you feel like you have no one else. Being unhappy in a relationship for years is not a good sign. Your relationship should make you happier most of the time, and your partner should generally make you feel good about yourself. If this is not the case, it is an unhealthy relationship and you should get out of it. But I would suggest that you do not date anyone else for awhile. It will be better to allow yourself time to heal, especially if your current bf is abusive. You need some time to think about why you have stayed with someone so long who treats you badly. I think it comes down to low self esteem. I hope you can work on this before jumping into another relationship and repeating past mistakes. BTW, no man can show you 'the world' because you need to gain the courage to explore it for yourself. Good luck to you.
juicebox07 juicebox07 8 years
You're not happy, so definitely move on. I can totally relate though. My ex bf and I broke up six weeks ago after being together for two years. We were opposites too. Our relationship lasted as long as it did because we never really paid attention to our differences before. It eventually just caught up to us and we ended it (or rather he did).
macchiatolove macchiatolove 8 years
I agree with the others. My only addition would be - sounds like you are looking for validation/permission to do something you already know that you want to do! it sounds like the relationship is not really working. Do what everyone has suggested. Take some time off, learn a bit about yourself and what you really want, see if this office guy is just an infatuation and/or looking better because of your current relationship, and then make a choice. He should wait for you if he really is worth dating! But, you know - everyone looks great until you start dating them!
Simone-Grant Simone-Grant 8 years
Lots of people here have said plenty of smart things. Here's my spin. I find it disturbing that you are posing this as a "which guy" dilemma. I love guys and I love having a man in my life (just ask the folks who read my blog) but I don't NEED ONE. And neither do you. If your relationship with your boyfriend isn't working (and it sounds like it isn't) then end it. I'd never advocate going straight from one guy to another. You need some alone time. Time to look at the new guy for who he IS instead of just comparing him to your current guy. Good luck.
frieddumpling frieddumpling 8 years
It doesn't sound like you're happy in your current relationship. The other guy sounds great for you and you don't want to let him get away and wonder "what if". Breakup and take your coworker's offer. :) Even if it doesn't work out with the coworker, it doesn't sound like you and your current bf is going to last because you guys are too opposite (not in a good way either)!
Percy Percy 8 years
Also agree with everyone. 2 seperate things here: a) a relationship that you've 'emotionally checked out already' and you are deciding on your next step. b) a co-worker has shown interest in you and you are not sure about your next move. End your relationship with you boyfriend only when you are ready, not because you are receiving attention from your co-worker - don't place too much hope and expectation on your colleague at this point. Good luck.
khadeekiinsz khadeekiinsz 8 years
Yeah. I pretty much agree with everybody else. The co-worker guy is definetly infatuation, and that need for some good attention. I suggest talking it out with your boyfriend tho. And explain to him why you are unhappy. Its really comendable, that you didn't cheat on him. Even if is a dick. Good luck, its not going to be easy.
hope2be hope2be 8 years
Dear Stuck Sophie, you're NOT stuck. Listen to the other posters and Dear too. Break up with the bf who's not for you and take a breather. If the new guy is serious and really wants/likes you, he'll wait for you.
MissJules5x MissJules5x 8 years
i agree with the rest of the posters here saying to take it slow and realize that the grass always seems greener. this shouldnt be about the other guy, so don't expect him to be there in the long run. if what you feel is to get away from your current relationship then do it. you shouldnt stay in a relationship where you are unhappy. i think you need to talk to your boyfriend and break up with him. take some time to be alone and hang out with your friends. don't throw yourself into a relationship with this new guy.
Jude-C Jude-C 8 years
That's a great point as well, genesisrocks.
genesisrocks genesisrocks 8 years
I'm with sugar too. The only thing is though, when you pointed out the diff you only talked about his negatives and your positives. I think if you want to save your relationship you may want a little more self reflection.
jazzytummy jazzytummy 8 years
CYL and Jude nailed it. Break up, take a breather, don't jump right into a new relationship. Do things to get to know yourself better. If the new guy is as great as you say, he will wait for you to take some "time off" and remain friends for now. The last thing you want to do is to start a potentially good relationship too soon, and have it go south because you are not ready. If the new guy is as awesome as he sounds, he will respect your wishes.
Fallen85 Fallen85 8 years
Bingo Jude and CYL. Sounds like this new guy just likes the thrill of the chase and is probably just trying to see if you'll break up wiht your current boyfriend for him. Yes yes, we might be a bit jaded but seriously... men are dogs! Go with CYL's idea of steering clear of guys for at least 3 months. If your coworker sticks around for the whole 3 months while you're healing after your breakup then give him a shot but most likely, he'll get bored of you shooting him down and move on to an easier prey. Good luck! PS: it's not even a question of whether you should ditch your current guy or not. He is SO not meant to be! I'm sure he's leaning towards a break up as well so it's not like it should be all that painful!
Jude-C Jude-C 8 years
Thanks, CYL :) I forgot to mention something that does raise a red flag for me regarding the new guy: OP said, "He has told me multiple times that he really likes me and would love to take me to dinner. He respects that I have a boyfriend and that I denied his dinner proposal." But I don't think he sounds all that respectful, actually, since he knows she had a boyfriend and yet has asked her out multiple times. And that kind of thing sort of makes me think OP is just excited about him because of that forbidden attention.
Ac2366 Ac2366 8 years
Get rid of your bf. You relationship is going nowhere. You're not in love with him and you fight way too often. Take time off from guys all together for a little while or your co-worker will just end up being a rebound.
CYL CYL 8 years
5/7 days is a lot of arguing and your bf sounds like an ass from the adjectives you used to describe him. You know what, I think the most 'healthy' thing for you to do (IMO) is to break it off with your bf...and not date the new guy. Take a 3 month breather. And if you still feel like being with that guy than go for it. I think after a breakup its always good to take some time to yourself to assess the last relationship, rediscover yourself and who you are and what defines you as a person. It sucks being single right in the beginning especially when you are used to having someone aruond as your best friend and partner but its also important to learn to love ourseleves and know who we are...And if new guy isn't willing to wait 3 months for you so you can reflect (if that is what you want to do) he isn't worth it anyways! As always Jude C gives excellent advice. If you are to proceed with this new guy I wouldn't jump to conclusion and think he could "show you the world".. maybe he can. But also realize he probably represents all the things you wish your bf was, and fanatsy is always better than reality. He very well may be as awesome as you think he is...but he might not be either..just be mentally prepared for that possibility and don't go running back to your unhealthy relationship if it doesn't work out. Hope it does if you do pursue something with him. Good luck!
princess_eab princess_eab 8 years
You're fighting 5 out of 7 days of the week? not worth it! ask yourself if you'd be willing to spend a lifetime with someone fighting 5 out of 7 days of the week. Even if there's no other guy involved I think you should break up with your boyfriend.
Jude-C Jude-C 8 years
I agree with Dear. I would caution, however, not to expect too much from the new guy. Your infatuation with him and feeling that he can "show you the world" may just be a reaction to the unhappiness you feel in your current relationship, so don't get too carried away on the rebound :)
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