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You Asked: My Boyfriend Is Inexperienced

Dear Sugar,

I have been dating my boyfriend for about a year and a half now. He had never been with a girl before me, and as a result of his lack of experience, he's never given me an orgasm. Since he's inexperienced, I don't think he realizes just how much effort it takes to help a woman climax. After a year of never saying anything, I think he assumes it's OK with me. Unfortunately, it really does matter to me.

Lately I'm feeling resentful that he orgasms every time we're together and I never have. He only spends a few minutes on me and doesn't realize how unsatisfied that leaves me. I don't want to bring it up because I feel like it's too much to ask from him to spend twice as long making me feel good (even though I do it for him all the time). I guess I want him to want me to orgasm, not just because I asked for it. Otherwise I feel like I'm making an unreasonable demand.

At the same time, I know that I'm being childish and immature by remaining silent about what's really bothering me and then blaming him for not doing anything about it. So how do I talk to him about this without hurting him, and how do I get over my own issues with asking?

— Sexual Dissatisfied Diana

To see DearSugar's answer,


Dear Sexually Dissatisfied Diana,

As much as we may want a significant other to want something without us having to ask for it, in the end, you're only going to be left unsatisfied and resentful, as you well know. Diana, you need to decide if you want to be sexually fulfilled or not, and if you do, it's time to speak up. I would bet that your boyfriend has absolutely no idea that he's not meeting your needs and once he's able to, the thrill alone of making you feel that good will have him raring to try it again!

So don't feel bad by asking him to try something different or do something new — this is something that you need and it's something your relationship is suffering without. Tell him gently that while you feel great with what he's been doing, you really want to be able to climax. Ask if you can show him what you like or use your own hand to guide him. This is going to take time, but in the end, your efforts will be well worth it. Otherwise, your silence and dissatisfaction will permanently damage your relationship.


Join The Conversation
TJE TJE 8 years
I can safely say as a bloke I'd want to know. I'd hate to think shes not getting anything out of it. Since I'm inexperienced in the bedroom and I know from mates who are were first timers any hint of what could do better is always taken well. Even if you make him feel like a right idiot at first, I'm sure he'd do anything to up his game! I know I would!
jueycruiser jueycruiser 8 years
the blankets on that bed in the pic look really comfortable
ilanac13 ilanac13 8 years
that's something that i kind of feel like you need to get over - TALK TO HIM. chances are he doesn't realize that it's harder for girls than for guys and he just has NO CLUE what to do. he'll be more open to listening to you and aiming to please you first and then he'll be happier cause you're happier. trust me, you'll start to want to have sex MUCH LESS FREQUENTLY if you're not enjoying it, and he should know that he's not doing it for you. teaching new things to people in regards to sex can be really fun and a great bonding thing - so try it.
k8-rckstr k8-rckstr 8 years
Meike ... I agree
sparklestar sparklestar 8 years
He's not a mindreader... TELL HIM!
Meike Meike 8 years
Whatever is so wrong with open communication? Hello! No one is a mind reader. Yes, you are being childish and immature if you expect him to be psychic about your needs. Wake up and communicate! And, babysoftpink, there is nothing wrong with a man being inexperienced. My husband was. I was. We researched, taught each other and essentially grew together. "Don't you want someone who is better than you just a little in every single way?" Isn't that setting females a little backwards where the man just has to be better at everything? I think it is best when couples' skills, talents, and knowledge complement each other.
njau njau 8 years
Speak or forever hold your orgasm. He has no clue because you give him no clue, no one starts on instinct alone they either have a) been told, b) watched porn, c) figured it out on their own.
babysoftpink babysoftpink 8 years
Not to offense anyone but why would you want a man who is inexperienced? Don't you want someone who is better than you just a little in every single way? If you ask me, I want him to be just a little better than me and I feel that I can entrusted my life with him b/c he always knows a little more than I do. This includes his skills in the bedroom.
CYL CYL 8 years
IMO I disagree with laura_j I think this situation requires more of a 'honey what you do is great but let me show you what really feels good for me" approach. That happened with my bf too, when we were first together it was a 4 but I knew what works for me so I just gave gentle encouragment everytime he did something right and if something didn't feel good I would tell him. He is now a 10 ;) Afterall you are his first...don't dent his ego for the rest of his life..when all he needs is a gentle prod in teh right direction. If even after this convo he is still selfish..than you have every right to be bitchy..
laura_j laura_j 8 years
I would be one resentful gal if this were me!!! But i do kind of agree with the girls who say you should have spoke up in the beginning! I guess though its kind of awkward to mention something like that because you care for the other person and don't want them to feel like a total jackass. If it were me, and I guess it would be kind of bitchy, and say listen, its been over a year now and I've been patient, but I think its about time I "got mine".
CoMMember13630786602261 CoMMember13630786602261 8 years
you really need to talk to him about it. Thats the only way its going to change. Men arent mind readers, and quite frankly, even the most experienced ones really have no idea whats going on down there.
HeidiMD HeidiMD 8 years
You owe it to this guy (and yourself) to teach him what to do. He has NEVER been with another woman! This is not about him being selfish -- he doesn't know what he is doing! He probably thinks he is making all the right moves.
lauraxtc lauraxtc 8 years
Oh hell no. Thats not fair. You need to check him and teach him. If he wants to give you oral let him, and let him stay there! lol.
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 8 years
"He only spends a few minutes on me and doesn't realize how unsatisfied that leaves me." Truthfully, your dissatisfaction is easy to address. You don't have to make a big deal about it. During intimacy, simply coo at him to slow down, or you want some more. Tell him how good feels. Meanwhile, touch him, stroke him, kiss him, etc. to communicate how desirable you find him. Seduce him, woman. Chances are, he would (happily) oblige you, as you aroused him. If he doesn't, and he's a selfish lover, and only his satisfaction matters, then that's a big red flag, in my opinion.
Blackwidowchick Blackwidowchick 8 years
I agree with Fallen85 and CYL. YOU need to let him know what is going on. If he is unable to last that long to give you an orgasm, maybe you can tell him to try to stimulate you manually first, or grab the reins and tell him to sit back and watch while you do your own thing so to speak. If he loves you of course he wants you to enjoy it.
CYL CYL 8 years
He can't read your mind. If you have faked or pretended to be ok in the past he is just going to think he is doing his job. Tell him that you need some change and show him or give kind encouragment on how to make it happen. Sex is not like a love novel or a romantic movie where it just works and its all magic...very rarely does it happen like that.
Fallen85 Fallen85 8 years
You realize that this is completely your fault, right? That he is the innocent bystander, thinking he's doing a great job while really he is doing nothing and you are hating him for it. From the BEGINNING you should have been speaking up and talking to him and teaching him but now you're going to make him feel inadequate but at least if you tell him and teach him now, he'll learn how to not disappoint and you'll finally be satisfied. Grow up and tell him whats going on. Teach him how to please you and learn that COMMUNICATION makes a healthy relationship... not lying to protect your significant other.
indielove indielove 8 years
Uh yeah, you need to tell him that you're feeling unsatisfied. How else is he supposed to know? I don't thin he has anything to do with inexperience. You have a voice so, SPEAK UP!
princess_eab princess_eab 8 years
1. figure out what YOU need. 2. tell him you're unsatisfied and you think you can teach him. 3. Buy this book. Read this book. read this book with him. give him this book. trust me. "She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman" - amazing stuff. 4. If he's not willing to meet you halfway... then look elsewhere. But take the book with you!
sundaygreen sundaygreen 8 years
Just SHOW him!
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