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You Asked: My Boyfriend Isn't Ready For a Commitment

You Asked: My Boyfriend Isn't Ready For a Commitment

Dear Sugar,

I'm in a long-distance relationship with someone I really adore. We've been close friends for years and this Summer when we were home from college, we had a random fling that turned into a beautiful relationship. We're now back at school and living 400 miles apart, but we try to see each other every other weekend. Here's the problem, he feels like he only has three aspects to his life now — school, work, and me. He says that it's not my fault that he feels like his life is not his own, but he doesn't feel like he's ready for this huge commitment. I'm afraid that our relationship will fall apart because he's not willing to put forth the effort needed to make this work. We've had some serious talks about it but we just go in circles. What should I do?

—Trying to Keep Us Together Tamara

To see Dear Sugar's answer

Dear Trying to Keep Us Together Tamara,

Long-distance relationships require a ton of equal effort. Your relationship is based on phone calls, letters, emails, and the occasional visit and that may not be enough for him. I know you really want to be with him, no matter what it takes, but if he doesn't feel the same way, this relationship is going to end up being very one sided. You're going to be upset because he's not giving you what you need, and he's going to feel crowded and unhappy if you're nagging him. On the flip side, with enough love and commitment, long-distance relationships can work, but the fact that he's not putting forth the effort might be an indication of how he feels about you.

I hate to say this, but unless he's willing to balance school, his job, and this relationship, it may be time to break up. It can't feel good to be with someone who is iffy and unsure. Perhaps some space is in order so he can see how much he loves, misses, and cares for you, but if he can't come to that realization, it's time to go your separate ways. Good luck, Tamara.


trixiefire trixiefire 9 years
Asia84, I love your response. Its probably more than likely true, but damn you got even more spunk and honesty than I do!
BeachyAthlete BeachyAthlete 9 years
Relationships are all about timing. And even though you have a "beautiful relationship" and you love him, the timing seems like it is off. I know it will be hard, but look at it from a big picture point of view instead of just wishing for it to work -- you're 400 miles away and he's just not ready to commit himself to a long distance relationship. "It's not you, it's him." How many times have you heard that timing is everything? This is just one of those cases where the timing is off, and I'm sorry, but you're better off cutting your losses now before you get even more hurt down the road.
fashionhore fashionhore 9 years
There is no way a person can make another person do something they are not ready to do, esp. if that person is a guy! If he doesn't seem willing to try, then you should let him go. Find someone who wants to be with you or just enjoy hanging out with your friends and being single.
cubadog cubadog 9 years
I do not think he is being selfish at all, at least he is being honest with you about his feelings. I think you need to give eachother space and focus on school since that should be your priority. LDR are tough and he may not be ready for that right now.
erratic-assassin erratic-assassin 9 years
maybe he just doesn't want a long term relationship? dont push him and let it go. be with someone closer. LDR are NOT for everyone.
CaterpillarGirl CaterpillarGirl 9 years
let him go, chalk it up to good sex and a nice time and leave it be. He needs to focus on school and work and not some long distance girlfriend who is demanding.
chakra_healer chakra_healer 9 years
My question, what is the level of commitment you are seeking? But since that cannot be answered. My advice is to give him some time. You've only been dating a few months, why not give both of you a little more time to see what the relationship feels like a few months from now?
mlen mlen 9 years
so you're in college? let face it- college is busy! especially if it sounds like he's working while in college. his life probably IS work, school, and you- and he probably feels like he's missing out on the fun part of college! if he's going to see you every other weekend and working the rest, what time does he have for friends and fun? i'm sure he does care about you, however he's probably overwhelmed. maybe try easing up a little. staying friends and even visiting each other maybe once a month. if its meant to be right now, he'll be missing you so much he'll be wanting to see you more again. but if its not meant to be, hopefully you can stay friendly, because who knows what will happen in the future.
Asia84 Asia84 9 years
to put it bluntly, he tapped that, and now he doesn't want the commitment, and he doesn't want to lead you on any further, but he's happy if you're willing to make a 400 mi drive to let him "smack that" . . . dump him. move on . . .
pink_magnetism pink_magnetism 9 years
Maybe just cool it off a bit and go back to friends. If it's meant to be something more, then it will be, naturally.
julieulie julieulie 9 years
I agree with TheMissus. Long distance relationships require a LOT of work (I know this -- my fiance and I will be living several hundred miles apart for a few years continuing even after we are married) and not everyone is able to handle them. Maybe deep down he is unhappy because he is so far away from you, so the way he copes best with his unhappiness is by pushing you away. Most importantly, however, you cannot single handedly maintain a relationship. If you try to cling on and make the relationship work by yourself, you will wind up hurt. Maybe it is best just to take a break and see what happens. Maybe he'll realize how empty his life is without you, or maybe you'll both realize you were just better off as friends. Either way, you can't force a relationship by yourself, especially not a long distance one.
aeschere aeschere 9 years
ugh, i've been in this position too. unfortunately, you are only 1/2 of the relationship. it can't run smoothly and healthily if the other 1/2's heart isn't into it.... there's really nothing you can do but end it. and when you do, don't wait for him to change his feelings... if it's meant to work out somehow, it will. but you can't force it like this. wishing you the best!
TheMissus TheMissus 9 years
I don't think he's being selfish. I think he's just being honest. LDRs do take a lot of work. And he probably does just has too much going on with school and work to also make time for an LDR. I say cut him some slack. Offer to go back to being friends. For now. Who knows what the future holds?
trixiefire trixiefire 9 years
He's selfish and if he doesnt want to commit, dont try to make him. Dump him and move on, dont waste any time on sentimentality over what could have been.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 9 years
Well, you cant and shouldn't force someone to do something they don't want to. Also, you when decided to get involved with friends, you're risking alot, especially the friendship should you breakup and things aren't peachy afterwards. Let's be honest, he doesn't want to commit and you have 400 miles in between you guys. Cut your losses and move on.
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