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You Asked: Is My Boyfriend Just Over Me?

Dear Sugar

I have been dating my boyfriend for almost two years, and about a year ago, I let him move into my house. We have a good relationship at times, but I find myself feeling both confused and annoyed by his behavior often. Sometimes he seems completely in love with me and shows me affection both physically and verbally, but at other times, he couldn't seem less interested. In fact, sometimes I feel like he doesn't even notice when I'm in the house. When I get home he doesn't ask me where I've been or why I was gone so long. And when I am out, he never checks in with me. Is he just not invested in our relationship anymore? What should I do?

— Baffled Bea

To see DearSugar's answer


Dear Baffled Bea,

It sure sounds like you and your boyfriend aren't doing a whole lot of talking or expressing your emotions. Taking some time to explain to him how you're feeling and getting a better sense of what he's thinking is a safer bet than assuming that he's suddenly lost interest in the relationship.

If you guys are still having good moments, and he's not doing anything intentionally hurtful, then I think there's a good chance that he's just reached a comfortable place in the relationship where he's inadvertently taking you for granted. He knows you'll always come home, so he doesn't need to ask what time. However, it's still important that your needs are being met, so you need to alert him as to what those needs are.

It can be scary to express ourselves, but to maintain a healthy and happy relationship, it's incredibly important to learn how. Once you've crossed this hurdle, it's likely that your relationship will take on a new level of closeness!


Join The Conversation
JaimeLeah526 JaimeLeah526 9 years
It seems like he's just comfortable with the relationship and he trusts you. It can be annoying if he acts like he doesn't care what you're doing or where you are at all hours of the day but that probably means he has complete trust in him. Do you call him all the time while he's out or ask him 100 questions when he gets home. If you do he may feel like you don't trust him and he may be trying to show you he does trust you. Sometimes there are just periods where there are other things on someone's mind and he is just trying to work through those, take that to mean he's 100% comfortable with you and the relationship and there aren't things he'd like to fix.
omlove omlove 9 years
Im not really a relationship expert but what i think is that once a guy is committed he replaxes a bit. he wont try that hard to impress you anymore coz he doesnt feel the need. He probably doesnt check up on you coz he trusts you. Though I do understand how important it is for a woman to express. So I would suggest having a heart to heart with him. Just talk to him'll be fine :)
alltherage alltherage 9 years
ridley - i LOVE ur not knowing quote!!!
CaterpillarGirl CaterpillarGirl 9 years
welcome to a relationship. get a ring before he uses you up and moves onto the next.
vmruby vmruby 9 years
I'm going to have to agree with the post before mine(Sydney C ) and say i also don't think it has to do with trust.Don't try to second guess the situation or you will drive yourself crazy.He's living in the same house with you and the only way to find out what's going on is to talk to him .Communication is so important and the key to a great relationship....
Sydney-C Sydney-C 9 years
I'm kind of in disagreement with the other posters. I dated a guy (we lived together for about 3 years) and he was the same way. When I came home, from wherever it was, he never even so much as glanced up at me or uttered a hello. That was one of the many, many dysfunctions of our relationship and, even though we had good times together as well, enough was enough. My boyfriend now of 2.5 years (whom I have lived with for a year now) will drop everything he is doing to come greet me with a hug and a kiss no matter how many times a day we see each other. I think "comfortable" and "he trusts you" aren't the truth of the matter, and Dear is right, you need to communicate to find out what is.
JustSomeChick JustSomeChick 9 years
My first reaction when I read that he doesn't ask where you were and why you were gone so long, etc. is that maybe he just trusts you.
allien86 allien86 9 years
Im so glad this was asked... Ive been going through something very similar to you (similar in terms of time together, time living together etc. and similar problem). I told myself that its just natural that this will happen and that we just need to make sure we still spend time together. So yesterday we went shopping together for silly stuff (toys etc.) and went out for icecream before going home to play with the toys and it was great. I think sometimes we do just get comfortable and stop making an effort/stop thinking we should sometimes make an effort. So I say talk to your bf about it and make sure u spend some time together to reconnect and remind each other that you are interested and in love.
mtothawhat mtothawhat 9 years
I agree with the other posters. It just sounds like you guys have reached a comfortable spot in your relationship and that there's trust. Keep in mind that you're also living together. You can't be all over each other all the time, things would get old. A lot of women get mixed emotions when they've reached the state you're in. In the beginning of the relationship it's all sparks and that "in love" feeling. Usually after the 2 year mark it might seem that it's faded away but in reality it's just being comfortable with each other. In my opinion, that's when real love begins. Lust is over and next you learn to really love each other.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 9 years
ITA w/ Sugar and the above posters. You guys have been together for quite awhile, and living together, and there will be times when he needs his space and he seems very comfortable with you and trust you a great deal instead of acting as if he were your dad (waiting up for you, and timing your arrival home). And you need to remember that he can't be 'ideal' bf at all time, and you just have to deal with some imperfection here and there. There are moments when my hubby didn't press me when it came to where I was or what, he'd expect me to tell him myself instead of waiting to be asked (the funny thing is when I didn't tell him when not asked, he kind of asked). You might want to share where you were and etc without being asked SOMETIMES. But if this bugged you so much, ask him WHY he's not asking where you are, etc, ask him why he seems to have little interest about you. Like Sugar says, express yourself. Good luck.
cvandoorn cvandoorn 9 years
I agree with relationship is like that as well. Sometimes we are so in love, and sometimes we just need our distance and we act like best friends and just give each other our space. It bugs me from time to time how he can trust me so blindly while I am working on some jealousy issues (I admit it!), because I like my guy to be jealous from time to time, but I would say overall its more the comfort factor and not that he's not invested in the relationship.
TheMissus TheMissus 9 years
Sounds to me like you guys are in a comfortable relationship. It can't be "idea" 100% of the time. That's too much work. In my opinion, real relationships are the comfortable ones like you have. There are going to be times when you guys have "crushes" on each other... And there are going to be times when you are more like "friends." In my experience, that's how lasting relationships work. Sounds to me like he is comfortable with you and trusts you.
lindholmka lindholmka 9 years
Maybe he just trusts you enough and doesn't feel the need to check in on you. I wouldn't want to have a boyfriend who called and asked where I was and when I was going to be home every time I left the house. I've been living with a guy (just a friend no relationship or love interest) and he says "Guys sometimes just don't want to talk or don't have anything to say." So girls sometimes think there is something wrong when in all reality they are just comfortable. I wouldn't worry about it too much but if it keeps bothering you, maybe ask him to join you in whatever you are out doing. Good luck! :-) P.S. Cosmo always has articles about this kind of thing! I would invest in a subscription!!
Ridley Ridley 9 years
There is a saying that I have to repeat to myself quite often.... "The lack of knowing makes a mind think the craziest things". Why is it as women that we always assume the worst when we don't have all the facts. Maybe your boyfriend is wondering the same about you. It sounds as though both of you have distanced yourselves from one another. You need to start expressing your feelings and/or thoughts. It's a two way street!
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