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You Asked: My Boyfriend's Paranoia Is Causing a Rift

You Asked: My Boyfriend's Paranoia Is Causing a Rift

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend has been cheated on by many past girlfriends, which has caused him to build up major walls. Now that he's with me, I can tell he's proceeding with caution, but the thing is, I've never cheated on anyone in my life and don't intend on starting to do so now. I love my boyfriend with all of my heart but his insecurity is starting to cause a huge rift in our relationship. His constant doubt is weighing on me and I'm not sure how much longer I can take it. What should I do? — Sick of It Samantha

To see DearSugar's answer

Dear Sick of It Samantha,

I don't blame you for being fed up with your boyfriend's self-conscious ways, but since he's so fearful of the worst case scenario, it's important for you to approach him tenderly so he doesn't feel attacked or blindsided. The walls that he's built are purely up for protection, and unfortunately the only way to break them down is to build up the trust between you two. I'm not sure how long you've been together, but truly trusting someone else with your heart doesn't happen overnight; it can take months, even years for some people.

You both have to be happy in this relationship so a talk is definitely in order. Preface it by telling him how much you love him, how you'd never do anything to purposely hurt him in anyway, but you also need to let him know how his actions are making you feel. He needs to understand that it's not fair to treat you like you've done something wrong when you haven't. Keep the lines of communication as open as possible and hopefully in time, he'll learn that you are the woman in his life that he actually can trust. Good luck.


Join The Conversation
Janine22 Janine22 8 years
I agree with other girls who have said he sounds like too much work. I also agree with MissJules5x- is his behaviour an excuse to manipulate and control you? I hope it is not but this is a common tactic for controlling/abusive men. Be aware of that, op. He needs to go to counselling and work on his insecurity issues because when it comes down to it, it is his problem that is causing problems in your relationship. He needs to take accountability for his behaviour and stop accusing you, and get help for his problem before it tears apart your relationship. I also think you should tell him that the problem is frustrating you so much that you are worried it will drive you two apart. I am not saying this is for sure, but perhaps he did this with exs and it actually drove them to cheat. Maybe some of his exs thought: oh well he thinks I am anyways, so I might as well do it. If this is a pattern in his past relationships, as jazzytummy said, then why has he chosen women that cheat, or alternately did he drive them to cheat by constant accusations? Either way, I think you need to tell him that he needs to work on his problem before it tears you 2 apart. Good luck.
karlotta karlotta 8 years
Love is work. My boyfriend is uncomfortable every time I hang out with a guy - I've got a history of being PROPOSED TO by my guy friends... hm - and when I get defensive, it just makes things worse. So I've learned what words soothe him, and I repeat them every time (or try to - sometimes it's just really aggravating!). With time, he's doing it less and less, trusting me and my judgment, and you know what? He's such a wonderful guy, he's well worth the effort to indulge his need for reassurance. Nobody's perfect. Maybe another guy would ooze confidence and never bother you with jealousy issues, but be a jerk for another reason. I think it's definitely a small fault!
PiNkY-PiNk PiNkY-PiNk 8 years
I was in a similar situation and fortunately for us, he realized that I wasn't that type of girl. if you think he's worth it, have patience and be understanding. but be very firm that he can't always be checking up on you. set guidelines and rules (like how many times he can call while you're out with friends, etc). ask him what he's afraid of specifically and figure out a way to reassure him that he doesn't have to feel that way with you. if it gets to be such a burden for you and you don't notice any improvements, I'd say it's time to let go. good luck!
jazzytummy jazzytummy 8 years
He sounds like too much work. You didn't say how long you have been together, but if you have talked to him and shown him your fidelity, then he should be there for you. He has trust issues, I get it, but don't we all? Good grief, if he is so paranoid that it is affecting your relationship, all your reassurances are not going to change anything. If he truly has been cheated on by so many women, maybe he needs to get counseling to figure out why he picked women that cheated on him, because it sounds like a pattern. I also am wondering about the control thing too. It's up to you to see if you want to invest time in this project. Good luck.
lemamike lemamike 8 years
It is too bad for him that he's been cheated on in the past. That can definitely make people a little suspicious. BUT if you've never done anything to betray his trust or make him doubt your faithfulness then it is unfair to you for him to control you based on something someone else has done to him.
Jude-C Jude-C 8 years
I was in a very similar situation. With time, patience, and our good relationship, he learned to get over that paranoia, and it was definitely worth the work we put into it. If this guy is a good one, then he will learn to trust you, so don't be too quick to write him off :)
red4bonez red4bonez 8 years
You did not mention how long you guys been together. But you do need to talk to him about, you probably already spoke to him about before but you also have to understand trust takes very long time to gain even if you did not do anything. It is very hard to prove someone that you did not cheat and never will if he does not believe you. He build up that wall so he would not get hurt, i totally understand that. I hate people that cheat because it screws with their partners minds and then they will never be the same. You need to talk to him, but since he is so insecure tell him everything you feel very gently. Ask him if there is something that you can do to help him trust you. Since you never did anything, it is very unfair to you. I totally understand why you are fed up, it is hard to be with someone that has issues like that. If you want to work on this relationship then go for it and ask him what can you do to make him feel more comfortable, to trust you more. And if you stay trust me, this talk will be repeated few times, what you have to do is constantly reassure him till he gets use to the fact that you are not a whore and you wont cheat on him. I wish you the best of luck!!!!
MissJules5x MissJules5x 8 years
a lot of people are insecure and have low self esteem. this doesnt seem like its that kind of situation. i've had boyfriends in the past that used that excuse to be controlling, and manipulative. you need to figure out if he's using this as an excuse to control everything you do, and constantly needing to be informed as to where you are, what youre doing, who youre doing it with etc- they use the whole "ive been cheated on" sob story to gain sympathy and that way you feel bad and put up with all the crap... i've been cheated on and i don't use it as an excuse to stalk my boyfriend and try to control his life. i'll tell you right now though, it won't change. he will say over and over that he will work on it but it wont happen. also know that it can be a guilty conscience. been there too. one particular asshole i dated years ago used to try to control and manipulate me, and he would use the "i was cheated on thing" as an excuse, and i would let it go a lot because i felt bad for him and i was constantly trying to reassure him, meanwhile he was controlling and manipulative because he was the one that was cheating. either way this doesnt look like an issue that will work itself out. i honestly think u need to re-evaluate this relationship before it gets worse.
babysoftpink babysoftpink 8 years
sorry, typos. I also [have] a clean history and never cheated in a relationship so I don't see any reason why I am [NOT] being trusted.
babysoftpink babysoftpink 8 years
For me, I would just let the guy go. At this point in my life, dealing with insecurity is way too much for me and it may not even be worth the effort. For someone to feel secure, s/he has to work on improving their security level. I am a honest person and will never ever cheat my significant other, if my other half cannot take my word for it then forget it. You don't work with a work partner if you don't trust him or her because your company asset is at stake, why would you settle otherwise in a intimate and serious relationship? It's not worth of my undertaking if I have to convince someone when I am not the guilty party. I also has a clean history and have never cheated in a relationship so I don't see any reason why I am being trusted.
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