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You Asked: My Boyfriend Thinks I'm Fat

You Asked: My Boyfriend Thinks I'm Fat

Dear Sugar--

I'm 27 years old and have been dating this guy for 3 years. He's my best friend. We get along perfectly, because we compliment each other so well. He's great at helping me with everything (like guys do), and I've brought out his nurturing and honest side.

The thing is, lately he's been a little TOO honest. He's been making really hurtful comments about my weight. He says things like, "Do you really think you should be eating dessert?" Or when I go to take another spoonful of pasta he'll say "Haven't you had enough?" The other night he came home from work and I was sitting on the couch reading, and he said "I thought you were going to the gym."

I'm 5'2'' and 130lbs - not overweight, but no skinny-minnie either. Before I met him, when I was in high school, I was obsessed with how I looked. I weighed over 160lbs, got really depressed, developed an eating disorder, and dropped down to 100lbs. I had a really unhealthy lifestyle and attitude about myself. I've since gotten help and am finally happy with where I'm at right now. The thing is, he doesn't know any of this, and I fear that his comments might make me go back to my old ways of starving myself and over-exercising. I really love him and I know he loves me, so what should I do?

--Finally Happy Heather

To see DEARSUGAR's answer,

Dear Finally Happy Heather--

First off, let me say how happy I am that you got help for your eating disorder - those unhealthy thoughts and habits are really hard to break so you should be very proud of yourself. The support of friends, family, and a therapist is so important for your well-being and since your boyfriend is part of that group, I suggest telling him about what you went through.

In order for him to understand how his words affect you, he needs to know how self-conscious you were (and still are) about your weight and how his snide remarks are only supporting those negative feelings. I'm sure once you open up to him he will be more sensitive about what he says, even bringing you two closer as a couple.

Whether you had an eating disorder or not, nobody should be commenting negatively about your weight, especially someone who loves and cares about you. After you talk to him, if those hurtful remarks continue, you might want to re-evaluate this relationship. You deserve to be with someone who accepts you for the beautiful person you are inside and out, regardless of what the scale says. Good luck Heather.


Join The Conversation
but i would actually try to lose some weight
i wouldnt even care what he would think...if i would tell him ok then if you dont like it leave me dumbasss then the next 10 mins hes knocking on your door ladies!!lol iim a freak
Solveig79 Solveig79 8 years
Southernfine I'm sorry but I cannot agree with you. To me you appear incredibly controlling and the female equivalent of the men most of us try to avoid (inc my now ex boyfriend...) You see, a few of your comments concern me, I'm not sure where to start! You have been together just two months. To me it is simply not social/dating etiquette to start commnenting on something as deeply personal as weight when you have only known someone such a short time. In my opinion that goes for friendships as well as romance - there's something socially inappropriate about it y'know? You say "It not only looks bad, it's unhealthy, I hate to tell him but he is still obese and has another 75 pounds to go" You have only been with this guy intimately for 2 months, you barely know him yet you are setting yourself up as his dietician and the person who has to 'tell him' he is still obese and still has work to do! A bit like me (I'm qualified teacher) prescribing homework/exercises for my students, only I bet you aren't a qualified dietician/trainer/nutritionist! Even if you were, I believe your perspective would still be considered insensitive by most people. You seem to have made it your problem and your concern to 'fix' him! You may think you are being kind and caring but you are really being controlling, narcissistic and superior! You have placed your unqualified self on a pedestal of your own making and are looking down on him judging him and relating everything about him to you, you, you! Actually your mentality comes across as very similar to that of my ex boyfriend. He got nasty about my weight too, I put him in his place and told him to stop making comments but nothing was ever the same for us after that. It did start the relationship on a downward slope, I felt bad about myself in a way I had never felt before i met him even though I was overweight then too. Furthermore he was also a very controlling self absorbed individual which I'm afraid you seem to be, given what you have written. I am most concerned about the way you say "I am embarrassed to let people know he is my boyfriend because it reflects on me" Excuse me?! Can you see how it has become all about you again hon? This to me betrays your own insecurity and lack of sense of self. You are not strong enough inside to separate his identity from your own and constantly feel that others are judging you in relation to him. This is called projection - this is your stuff, not his. Truthfully nobody is judging you or him more than you are judging you because your attitude is thankfully rare among us. You are being slain by your own sword so to speak... Indeed we do have our standards and ideals in life but most of us know that we are all fallible and real life frequently gets in the way of achieving our ideals. This has been the struggle of humanity since the dawn of our species - our ideals vs reality. We have evolved to cope with the inevitable deificit via sociability and the love of others. Yet there reamin human beings like yourself who do not see this and continue to bemoan the deficit, seeking standards that do not usually exist in one place, looking for perfection that we human beings are not likely to ever attain given the nature of the planet we live on! People like yourself fail to see the beauty in other human beings, continually bemoaning what they lack and how it 'reflects on you' instead of enjoying and appreciating what others have and what they can offer you emotionally. Sweetie, I think you need to start looking at other aspects of him that you find attractive. I bet all those people you think are judging you actually see his nice eyes, or his warm smile, his kind personality, his place in the community...etc...etc. I advise that you recognise his weight as his issue to deal with as HE sees fit, not yours and understand that he is far more than that little number on his shirt label! Just, I daresay, as you are.... I don't mean to offend you but seriously I would dump you with an attitude like that! In a way I suppose I did dump you - that's why my ex boyfriend is now my ex!!! xxx
southernfine southernfine 8 years
I have a boyfriend of 2 months and I am trying to figure out how to tell him I am not happy with his weight. He says he already lost 100 pounds but does not seem like he is doing much to lose more. It not only looks bad, but it is unhealthy, and I hate to tell him but he is still obese and has at least another 75 pounds to go yet, but I'm afraid he will take on more weight and go back the other way! if I talk about my concerns. I am embarrassed to let people know he is my boyfriend because it reflects on me. So I can understand your boyfriend desiring a lighter woman although you are quite comfortable with yourself. He does not want to lose you (or he would have left). He is having a hard time being direct, so makes little comments. It would be good for you to tell him of your accomplishments and struggles and maybe he would accept you if he knew you are already doing your best and that this is a weight that works for you. As for your boyfriend, I would not go so far as to say he does not care for you, but we all have our standards and ideals. If he started to dye his hair green, started smoking, or gained a weight, you might not like that either. Be open to his thoughts as well.
mrs-kippyhilton mrs-kippyhilton 9 years
hey he don`t like it move on.he think your fat what`s next
misskboo misskboo 9 years
I say dump him then go have dessert!
Pinksophie05 Pinksophie05 9 years
Uhm wow I would tell him what happend and if he doesn't stop with the comments tell him it hurts and that how everything started in high school. if he doesnt stop get rid of him. You hright and weight sounds perfectly normal.
zurielle zurielle 10 years
I know you mentioned that you haven't told him about your previous disorder, but have you said anything at all to him about wanting to lose weight or made comments to him about your weight in general? I know before I finally committed to losing weight, I would sometimes make comments like "I feel fat" or "I can’t wear that because..." or "I need to lose weight"... you get the idea. I said these things because I was unhappy and felt uncomfortable in my own skin. My husband would say the same type of things that your boyfriend said to you. "I thought you were going to the gym?" when I skipped, or "Is that part of your diet?" when I was eating something fattening. I would get angry and think that he thought I was fat and found me unattractive. I felt scared sometimes that he would leave me for a skinner, prettier woman. One day I broke down and cried after he made one of these comments. We talked about my weight and the comments at length, and the thing is, he thought he was being helpful. When I said things about my weight he knew that I was unhappy and that I wanted to make a change. I wasn’t doing anything about it. Looking back, I can see that he WAS just trying to help. Although, guys should just really try to stay out of talking about a woman’s weight – they just end up getting in trouble no matter what! Kidding, sort of. Anyways, the comments weren’t snide and didn’t mean what I thought they did. He didn't think I was fat or ugly, he just wanted me to be happy and to that end he made the comments. But because I was unhappy and wasn’t doing anything to change that at the time – I got angry and twisted the meanings around in my head. I was really angry with myself. Could something similar be happening with you and your boyfriend? No matter what, talk to him. If he loves you, he will understand. You will do what you need or want to do when you are ready and he can support you when or if that time comes – but only if he knows what’s going on inside your head and heart.
sugajen sugajen 10 years
u and i have alot in common. For a couple years I have been depressed and went on a 500-1,000 calorie/day diet for a few years i was tiny cold and uncomfortable. I met my boyfriend in this stage and he is somewhat an athlete but when he took me to parks and gyms i was too weak a dizzy to play and it caused us to argue. Finally i decided to eat normally and have gained almost 15 lbs since our 2 years together. I no longer count calories or compulsively exercise but i am afraid to step on the scale. He too insulted me although my boyfriend said it in other words. A girl was rude to me at the gym and i jokingly said "I could take her to him" and he said that i couldn't because she was more overweight than me. It really upset me but what we did was talk about it and no matter what he thinks you must love yourself first. Be proactive, workout, don't stave yourself. I know it seems easy but it only leads to health problems. Love yourself and reach out for help. I know its not easy but in time it will get easier. I still struggle with voices telling me not to eat but I've realized since I started "eating normally" how much more i can enjoy life and what i can do rather than obsessing with how i look. Best Wishes to you Heather
citronella citronella 10 years
I'm 18, I've alway been a bit insecure about my weight. people around me said I was skinny. but I still felt fat. now I have a boyfriend and he's verry nice to me. but sometimes he calls me fat or chubby and it really hurts me. I'm 170 cm tall (or 5'5") and my current weight is 121 pounds ( or 55 kg). is my weight normal? or am I realy fat for my lenght.
kayden kayden 10 years
OK, why is your best friend so concerned with your weight all of a sudden? How do you feel about yourself? This is your life and your body, don't forget that. Has he volunteered to work out with you as a team. How confident you fell about yourself is just what matters. You should not live for what he wants . You could start dating again and meet a better guy who likes you just the way you are. "Dating Without Drama" is a great e-book I just read.. Check it out it's very empowering for women...
ShioriLynn ShioriLynn 10 years
I feel your pain..I dont want to say that my boyfriend thinks that I'm fat, but he does want to me lose weight. I'll admit that I'm not a skinny minnie either but I really dont see any wrong with the way that I look. I used to weigh about 160 but since I met my boyfriend I've been eating foods that I would have touched before I met him. :) Right now I'm trying to keep myself from going over the 195 mark but I would love to get down to the size that I was when I met him. Whenever him and I get into an arguement he'll say things about my body image..he even says that it gets in the way of our sex life because he's not as attracted to me as he used to be. I've been thinking about it and have decided to set a goal to at least get back down to 160. Not so much because thats what my boyfriend wants but because it's what I want too. :( Where are all the guys that love a woman for who she is and not what she looks like? Do men like that even exist anymore?
Shory-Bella Shory-Bella 10 years
bebe gal FAT is Fluffy And Tender!!!!!!! so do w/e u want if he dusnt like i leave him tc xxx
Hope5 Hope5 10 years
Your boyfriend is rude!Your not overweight!
Marci Marci 10 years
There's a French movie about the exact same thing. A girl who'd had an eating disorder, gets herself healthy again, meets a guy who then preys on that side of her; tells her she's fat. She wants to please him and gets thinner and thinner. It's just manipulative, controlling and dangerous. You need to get rid of this guy for your own good health.
Jamee-Ro Jamee-Ro 10 years
If you were overweight, obese or unhappy about your weight, I would agree with the above saying that he has a right to comment in a sensitive way. HOWEVER, you seem very happy with where you are, and 5'2" and 130lbs is a healthy weight! Not overweight. Healthy. His comments are purely about vanity and how you look to him, not your well being. Therefore, he's an asshole. Period.
difficulties difficulties 10 years
My boyfriend says the same comments - almost to the letter, but thats my own fault because I complain about my weight. You seem happy with yours, so i assume do not complain. if so he shouldnt be making comments. Just tell him you dont want a personal trainer - just a loving boyfriend!
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 10 years
Drama queen, you are living up to your moniker. You know you aren't fat, but apparently you want people who can't even see you to confirm it. So I will oblige. 115 is a healthy weight for 5'4" and so no matter how you carry it, I'm sure you aren't fat.
drama-queen219 drama-queen219 10 years
okay...I'm 5'4 and 115 pounds. Am I fat? People, please tell the truth!!!
Realblonde Realblonde 10 years
Get rid of him! He wants a trophey, not a girlfriend! If he REALLY loved you, he wouldn't give a stuff what you looked like. I am really angry over this! I am not a thin girl, but I think i am beautiful anyway. I don't give a shit what people think of me. People should love you for your heart and soul, not how good you look hanging off their arm! I have been a strict vegetarian since 1984, and people automaticly think I should look like a stick. It may sound drastic, but if he doesn't love you the way you are...find a man that will!!!
backfat backfat 10 years
He's a bit callous and you two need to have a chat about sensitivity. Other than that, I don't think your bf being concerned over your health is a terrible thing. My fiance prompts me to go to the gym, reminds me to eat, tells me when I'm ordering out too often and it's only because he knows how it'll make me feel if I let myself go. I'd be miserable and depressed if I put on weight and everyone knows being depressed doesn't help you maintain a healthy lifestyle.
marije marije 10 years
I thing,that he is not too good frend as you mean,because good freands don´t do things like this.He hurts you and I mean he knows about it.Right frend enjoy life with me and when I ask him if I need to lose some kilos,he answer mi honestly,BUT he doesn´t remind me that in every situation.Did he note you suffer from this??Try to talk with him!and don´t be a sad!Life is too short and belive me you perfect and if he doesn´t see it he doesn´t deserve you:-)
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