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You Asked: My Boyfriend Won't Believe I Was a Virgin

You Asked: My Boyfriend Won't Believe I Was a Virgin

DearSugar --

My boyfriend gets intensely jealous at times over guys I've liked (not dated) previously. Before dating him, I had been a virgin, and now, about a year afterwards, he claims that I've lied to him. I've asked him to talk to my closest girl friends and told them to tell him EVERYTHING they know about my past, in addition to telling him myself. I even showed him my private journals. Despite the confirmation, he still goes back and forth between believing me. He gets really angry and keeps insisting that I tell him the truth, when he can't accept the truth. He wants me to tell him lies that he wants to hear, and it makes me feel so cheap. I am out of ways to try to convince him. What should I do?! -- Honest Alice

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Honest Alice --

You asked for my advice, and there's just this one thing I'm going to ask of you, dear Alice: Go to loveisrespect and either sign up for the online chat or call one of counselors. There are both adult counselors and peer counselors available; they know a lot about jealousy in relationships, and they are really nice and not judgemental at all. Just tell them what you told me, and talk with someone there about healthy relationships, jealousy, control, and what we ladies like to call 'boundaries'. You're on the defensive in this relationship in ways that seriously concern me. I want you to be strong, proud, confident, independent and safe, Honest Alice. In fact, it is your right to be all those things, when you're in love or when you're not.

Jealousy might seem like a sign of love, but when someone uses anger or jealousy to try to control what you do, or acts like they 'own' you, it isn't love. You've got every right to talk to anyone you want to. It's normal and healthy to have liked other boys. Your body is your own to share with whomever you choose. Your journal is a private document, to be seen only by you. And you aren't on trial; your friends are not witnesses for your character. Click here for a related website that has good information, checklists, facts and quizzes about what to know when love hurts.

As much as you might love him, Alice, I know you sense that something isn't good or right about the way he treats you. And I know you must be exhausted and confused from trying so hard. You were very wise to have questions about this and to look around for some advice. When we first begin to love, it's difficult to know what it should and shouldn't feel like. Please talk with the adult or peer counselors at the first website I gave you, and write me back within 4 weeks to let me know how you're doing.

Ladies, a lot of us have been through our own version of this, so please offer some words of encouragement or wisdom to Honest Alice.


cgmaetc cgmaetc 10 years
Run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. Sounds like you gave up your most prized possession to a total a$$hole. Don't worry, it's happens to most women. -the ceeg
calibabi calibabi 10 years
everyone has already said exactly what i would say...he is going to believe what he wants to believe. as long as you're honest and happy with yourself, you don't need to go to great lengths to prove it to a boy who won't believe you anyways. it's a silly waste of time.
Jinx Jinx 10 years
I wouldn't waste the energy to convince him. I don't see what difference it makes anyways. ------------------------------------------------------ "We're forced to bed, But we're free to dream" Gord Downie
honeysugar28 honeysugar28 10 years
How dare he cheapen something so beautiful and important like giving him your virginity! He should be grateful and appreciate that fact that you waited all your life and you chose him to be your first. I can't tell you to break up with this boy but I can say that you deserve so much better than him he's not treating you right. That sick, possesive, jealousy only tears couples apart doesn't bring them closer toguether.
Trixie6 Trixie6 10 years
I agree with Dear & the others. You need to get out of the relationship now. Insecurity like his can easily lead to physical abuse. You deserve better!
getstinko getstinko 10 years
PUre immaturity on his part, what difference does it make - he can't control your past anyway. Guy sounds like a loser.
anabj anabj 10 years
I´m sorry but I think he is just looking for an excuse to break up or trying to feel better for something he has done.
Romai Romai 10 years
I'm in agreement with Dear and some of the other girls. That attitude is not healthy and can lead to other things. Take it from somebody who was in an abusive relationship. My ex was so convinced I had cheated on him, although he had no reason to think that, that he became extremely angry, was verbally abusive, left me a few bruises and threatened my life. I consider myself lucky it wasn't more. Over nothing! Guys like that will believe what they want, and that's it. They're insecure and they take it out on you. If he doesn't trust you to the point of you having to be that defensive over it, it just makes me wonder what'll happen the next time he doesn't believe you about something. There are men out there who will love and trust you as you should be. Get rid of this guy and go find one.
Bonne Bonne 10 years
This type of relationship can quickly move on to physical abuse. You deserve better. I dated someone for four years and towards the last year - he started acting like this. One night, he was about to hit me, I kicked him, broke his nose and told him it was over.
Marci Marci 10 years
Good, good advice, Dear. The jealousy thing is critical to understand because it's got so much allure on the surface; but it's what looms underneath that allure that is completely unhealthy. lindac is absolutely right that he's never going to believe you. Move onto someone who will give you the love and respect you deserve. This guy isn't worth your time or energy.
lickety-split lickety-split 10 years
you deserve to be in a relationship where you don't have to provide character witnessess and exhibits to vouch for your honesty. lose this guy.
lindac lindac 10 years
No matter what you do, he'll never believe you. You can't win in a situation like this, Alice. Grlintheworld is right. You sound like a fantastic woman but his insecurities will bring you down and you don't deserve this kind of abuse. It's hard but you need to move on.
SFKitkat SFKitkat 10 years
It sounds as if he'll just believe what he wants to believe, no matter what you say or do. If he can't trust you, what kind of relationship do you foresee having? Will you stand for him questioning you every step of your relationship? You should probably take a step back and re-evaluate your relationship with your boyfriend and really figure out what you want in a partnership. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
grl-in-the-world grl-in-the-world 10 years
Alice, I'm so sorry you are going through this! No girl should ever feel so degraded, especially by someone they love! Please leave this relationship as soon as possible. The way he is treating you is a form of emotional abuse and you should not have to live with it another day! I know you have formed a strong bond with him, especially since you trusted him enough for him to be the first guy you were seriously intamate with, but, like a lot of women, you are finding out he's not the prince charming that you hoped he would be. Don't feel bad, there is NOTHING that you did wrong to cause him to be this way, it's his own insecurity that is causing the problem. Take what you learned from this relationship (i.e. how you will NEVER let another man treat you this way as long as you live!) and tell this guy that he has too many issues and you need to move on. If he tries to make you feel guilty, don't listen to him, he's on a power trip and will say anything to try to make himself feel better. Think about the type of man you would want your best girl-friend or sister to be with...that's the type of guy you deserve as well! Many of us have gone through similar experiences, so like I said, don't beat yourself up about it...just learn from it and move onward and upward in life! Good luck to you, I really wish you the best, you sound like a really sweet, sincere girl and you will have a wonderful future WITHOUT this guy!
angelbaby2 angelbaby2 10 years
bag the boy-it is none of his damn business about your previous sex life
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