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You Asked: My Ex Lied to Me About His Sexual History

Dear Sugar,

I was with my ex-boyfriend for 11 months, and we had sex after six. I was a virgin at the time and didn't feel ready to have sex yet. He had told me that he was also a virgin, and we had numerous talks about how I believed premarital sex was wrong; his view was that if it was with the right person for the right reasons, it couldn't be wrong. In the end, we had sex, and over time I became comfortable with the idea of it and my views on premarital sex changed.

Eventually we broke up because I could sense he wasn't right for me — I caught him telling white lies a lot, and he was constantly sharing the more intimate details of our relationship with his friends. After a few months had passed, we decided to try being friends again. Everything was going great, until he informed me that he had lied when he said he was a virgin. Even though it's been months since our breakup, it still hurts to hear that; I feel betrayed and used.

Apparently he felt guilty about lying to me and wanted to come clean. Now he's asking for forgiveness, and I don't know what to do. I've never felt more disrespected and stupid. How do I deal with this?

— Lied to Lila

To see DearSugar's answer,

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Dear Lied to Lila,

I don't blame you for feeling betrayed! He lied to you in order to take advantage of something that you were obviously unsure about, and in my book, there's absolutely no excuse for that. While I tend to be a big believer in the notion that nothing is unforgivable, this particular lie and admission don't say much about his character. If you need to forgive him in order to process this, then I think you should, but forgiveness aside, I'd be wary when considering him your friend.

While I can't say whether or not your ex has changed in the few months since you've broken up, my best bet is that he hasn't. And even if he has made some changes, admitting that he lied to you before doesn't suddenly make lying in the first place OK. I think you need to tell him what you told me— that what he did was wrong, and you feel betrayed and used. In the meantime, remind yourself that you can't control others' actions. It's upsetting that he lied to you, but try to avoid looking back on your time together as a mistake; rather, consider it a personal learning experience.

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JaimeLeah526 JaimeLeah526 9 years
It was wrong what he did but think of it this way.... He could have told everyone except you what occurred, and I'm sure he told his friends if he's over sharing your sex life. You could have found out from someone else. It's not necessary to stay friends with your exes and if you feel like this is too big to get over you can decline to be his friend. He did the right thing by coming clean and now the ball is in your court. You have a right to be pissed for a while but eventually you have to decide if you can be his friend again.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 9 years
Tidal, I still think you're reading too much into it. If you don't believe in pre-marital sex, it would seem silly to think it was any better have to pre-marital sex with a virgin! Sex is sex! I agree he might have lied to make her more comfortable with the idea but I still don't think we can say she ONLY had sex w/ him b/c he was a virgin. She had sex with him because on some level, she wanted to. It doesn't sound like she was raped or forced into it.
geebers geebers 9 years
The guy clearly lied to you to get you into bed. It sucks but virginity -though it is a personal choice- losing it does not define you as a person. Sex, in the end, is natural and normal. I'm sorry this guy did what a typical scumbag man would do to get you into bed but you need to move on. If you don't forgive him, don't = but you need to stop thinking of it constantly and getting upset. You are just hurting yourself.
TidalWave TidalWave 9 years
pop! "I was a virgin at the time and didn't feel ready to have sex yet. He had told me that he was also a virgin, and we had numerous talks about how I believed premarital sex was wrong; his view was that if it was with the right person for the right reasons, it couldn't be wrong." I extracted my assumption from that paragraph along with my own personal experiences. If he told her he wasn't a virgin, then his manipulation would be clearer. But since he completely lied about that, she felt that she could trust him. I still think that lying about sexual partners is different. Because she had a belief about premarital sex. It wasn't just "eh, i dont think i want to do that," she had really thought it was wrong.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 9 years
"Not only is lying about virginity different than lying about number of sexual partners, but she only slept with him because he lied to her about that!! so he knew exactly what he was doing." Where in the post does it say she ONLY slept with him because he was a virgin. Unless you are the OP, I think that's a pretty strong assumption. Also, this guy lied about being a virgin for the same reason people lie about their number of sexual partners... I wouldn't sleep with a guy who'd slept with 100 women, but I might sleep with a guy who had slept with 10. All of those types of lies are designed to make ourselves look better/different in the eyes of our current love interest. Otherwise, why would we bother?
TidalWave TidalWave 9 years
Not only is lying about virginity different than lying about number of sexual partners, but she only slept with him because he lied to her about that!! so he knew exactly what he was doing.
jennifer76 jennifer76 9 years
I think it's interesting because, as popgoestheworld said, this subject has come up before and overwhelmingly the response has been to women that their past is their past and they have no obligation to fill their partners in on their sexual history. At the same time, it seems that rather than trying to keep his sexual history private, he was trying to tell you what he thought would work to get you to sleep with him. Is that different than a woman who doesn't want to divulge too many sexual partners for fear the man won't be attracted to her? I don't know. It does feel different. In any event, this is all in the past. I wouldn't think much of this guy's character. But, to dwell on it indefinitely harms you, not anybody else.
clareberrys clareberrys 9 years
I had sex with a guy who told me he was a virgin as well, but I wasn't so I thought I was taking his v-card! I wasn't hurt by it...but we were dating and then he ended up cheating on me. SO the lesson learned is if he lies about that who knows what else he can lie about! Move on and find yourself a nice guy and remember to take it slow and get to know someone before you do anything serious or else you might get taken advantage of again.
kia kia 9 years
Ewww, this guy is a pig. First run, don't walk, and get tested for anything you and you gyno can think of that you could have potentially contracted from the liar. Then after you have your hopefully negative test results then you can deal with him if you want or walk away completely.
kiwitwist kiwitwist 9 years
I think it is different when lying about how many and never having sex. What about all the diseases you assume the guy doesn't have since he is a virgin!?! C'mon now. What a jackass!
TidalWave TidalWave 9 years
Wow. Stop talking to him right now. Because now he is just manipulating you to get you back...
Indigo4320 Indigo4320 9 years
Seriously? Is this even a real post? Get over it and move on...it's all you can do.
LOVE-ANGELINA LOVE-ANGELINA 9 years
What a douchebag. Stay away from him. You can't trust him. He's an A-Hole and a liar. I am such a vindictive girl if I had been lied to like that I would be seeking revenge in the worst way. Stay away from him. I mean to lie to you to get you into bed is just sick and only the walking scum would do that. Disgusting...then on top of that he went told his scumbag buddies about your personal life. :irk: STAY AWAY FROM HIM.
Kimpossible Kimpossible 9 years
The thing i was thinking too though was that if he wanted to get into her pants that badly would he really have stuck around and played the "I'm a virgin too" card for 6 whole months? I just don't think he's that big of a jerk, I think she's over reacting and needs to move on, for her own sake really.
lickety-split lickety-split 9 years
yeah, this is an old story. you never heard that men will say anything to get in your pants? huh, hard to believe. be smarter next time and make the choices you make for YOU, not your bf. i don't know about forgiving, what a snake! on the other hand he's your first love and there is a piece of him that will always be in your heart. do you want to always remember your first love with anger?
lindholmka lindholmka 9 years
She never said he FORCED her to do anything. She actually said "she became comfortable with the idea of premarital sex." The post is referencing him asking for forgiveness and how she feels betrayed because he straight up lied to her to get a piece of ass. Obviously he didn't force her to do anything but he lied to her for the intentions of coaxing her to sleep with him.
Kimpossible Kimpossible 9 years
I'm with popgoestheworld and Asia84. Forgive him and move on. when we forgive someone we don't do it for them, we do it for ourselves, it's for our own benefit and healing, not theirs. And like Asia said, he can't be a total scumbag if he actually apologized for it, many men wouldn't even do that. Also, and this may sound really mean, it was ultimately your choice to sleep with him so are you really upset with him or with yourself? just something to think about. It doesn't matter it's over and done with, I still think forgiving him is a good step to healing for you.
animatedpunk animatedpunk 9 years
i would have slapped him.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 9 years
Be honest, he didn't force you to do anything, he may have lied to you but you chose to do what you did. He didn't force you to do anything.
Asia84 Asia84 9 years
welcome to the world of men. some men lie to get the nookey. you just fell for it. all you can do is suck it up and move on. don't be so naive next time don't mean to sound mean, but you're not the first girl who got dooped out of their virginity.
Meike Meike 9 years
No one should ever lie in a prospective relationship. Lies don't belong in any good relationship. Period. I can't believe he went on for 11 months withholding the truth. What an ass... Don't keep him any longer as a friend. You will only be reminded of what he did to you. You'll just have to look past this experience as a lesson learned and try to cope with it. I understand you and the importance you placed on your virginity. I would be devastated also if it didn't work out between my husband and I because we shared this 'gift' before we were completely committed. You need to look forward to a great guy who will be honest with you and whom you can always trust. He will come someday.
girlfriday girlfriday 9 years
Ugh. What a jerk. He really took advantage of you and I know that must hurt. I'm sorry hon. Please go get tested ok? And please please drop him as a friend. You can do better. Not all guys are like this. I hope you find a good guy who will treat you better.
hotstuff hotstuff 9 years
That's horrible what he did because he did it to trick you. I'm sure many people tell this lie men and women! You are just going to have to take this as a learning experience. In the future you'll know you can't blindly trust that someone is telling you the truth, always remember that there is a possibility that he could be lying. You should have just gone into the situation thinking, hey he could be lying and has many sex partners am I still OK with sleeping with him? Yeah it sucks to have to think like that but this is how it is.... as you have learned. The ONLY thing that should make you feel disrespected and stupid is if you continue to remain friends with this liar or let him back into your life!
lindholmka lindholmka 9 years
What an a$$ hole! This is such a horrible thing that he did to you. I would NOT forgive him. Have you been tested for STD'S?!?! He could have given you any number of things! I would get tested immediately if I were you. I can't believe someone would LIE about being a virgin just to get into another's pants...THAT IS SO LOW!! Although this is a really sucky thing that happened to you, the only thing you do from this is move on and learn from it. If you are still an advocate of abstinence, I would definately make sure you stick to your morals and wait until you really DO find "the one." before having sex again. (Since that was your plan in the beginning) If you choose not to be against premarital sex after this incident, just make sure to be careful and use protection every time!! :-)
mlen mlen 9 years
i'm so sorry- that sucks. and i agree the lie about being a virgin to make you have sex is a lot worse than fibbing about the number of sexual partners. anyways- its really up to you. if forgiving him will give you piece of mind then do it- if you can be his friends then do it. if you can't then don't- simple as that. while it is slightly admirable he confessed to his lie, that doesn't mean you are required to forgive. or you can forgive but you aren't required to forget. really just go with your gut- if being around him is going to make you continue to beat yourself up over it- then move on. you can make plenty of other friends
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