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You Asked: Are My Feelings Justified?

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I went to a party on a Saturday night. We had a great time and as the night progressed, the drinks started to flow. A dance party erupted in the living room and as I was talking with some girlfriends off to the side, I saw my boyfriend dancing rather inappropriately with a girl I had never met before. I was pretty taken a back and honestly, I'm still really upset about it. My friends seem to think it was no big deal, especially since I was at the party with him, but I can't help but worry about his behavior when I'm not around. I don't want to cause an unnecessary fight, but I'm really hurt. Am I overreacting? — Perturbed Penelope

To see DearSugar's answer

Dear Perturbed Penelope,

If you're upset with your boyfriend's actions at the party, you should most definitely talk to him about it. Your friends are entitled to their opinion, but this is your relationship, not theirs, and if your feelings are hurt, you're not overreacting.

You mentioned that you're concerned with the way your boyfriend behaves when you're not around so I have to ask if he's acted inappropriately before. Regardless, what matters most here is that you're secure in your relationship, and it doesn't sound like you are. In an effort to avoid an argument, approach your boyfriend in a very nonthreatening manor. Let him know that his actions hurt your feelings, and if he doesn't understand where you're coming from, simply ask him how he'd feel if you were dancing the same way with a man he's never met before — I have a feeling he'll get it once you reverse the situation! Hopefully, a good heart to heart will smooth things over — good luck.


Join The Conversation
goldilocks0078 goldilocks0078 8 years
You're not overreacting at all! I would be very hurt by it. I think you sit down with him and be honest. He might have thought nothing of it and be surprised that it bothered you, or it might be an indication of something else.
potterlove potterlove 8 years
You're not overreacting. Since it's been a fun night, sure, people are loosening up more. But if your man starts getting a little too much with a stranger (especially in front of you), then it's only right that you react to it. And of course, with that thought, you wonder what else has he done with other women that you haven't seen. Not to accuse him right off, but you have a right to thinking along these lines. If's not overreacting, it's (sorry--sorry!!) love. Your reaction to this situation only proves that you can get a little territorial on your boyfriend. Normal human behavior.
lindssaurussss lindssaurussss 8 years
i go with the last thing....find a new boyfriend!
lindssaurussss lindssaurussss 8 years
I think what he definitely did was really rude. totally inappropriate of him. here maybe this video will work! its kinda funny
SeaAre86 SeaAre86 8 years
If it was inappropriate to her, then obviously it wasn't comfortable for her to watch. I think it's disrespectful and you aren't overeacting. I would talk to him about it and let him know it bothered you. If he doesn't understand why you're upset, then you know you have a problem.
Symphonee Symphonee 8 years
It all depends on your level of comfort. I would have no problem with it to a certain point because I dance with other guys because bf doesn't dance. Obviously you are not comfortable with HOW they were dancing and you need to let him know. There is nothing wrong with feeling how you felt as long as your honest about it and give him a chance to correct it for the future.
sprinkibrio sprinkibrio 8 years
Dancing is not cheating, so overreacting. I'm sure you see it as grinding and sexual, but a lot of guys don't know how else to dance. Back and forth is just easy. I would get REALLY pissed if my bf got mad at me for jumping around dancing and having a good time or dancing salsa with really good leads. Anyway, he went home with you. That's what matters to me, the rest is just fun. If you have big problems with it you need to ask him what he thinks about what he did.
Anne26 Anne26 8 years
Dump him bc he is disrespectful..
herjoiedevivre herjoiedevivre 8 years
I don't think you're overreacting, and I DEFINITELY don't think you need to apologize. FOR WHAT? you've done nothing wrong! I think I second everyone else here- communication is what you need. clear boundaries. because obviously, some ppl think it's uncool, and some people think it's fine. discern what you think with him, and then from now on, when he does it, you'll know whether he's just partying, or whether he truly doesn't care about how you feel.
designerel designerel 8 years
I'd feel the same way if it happened to me. Talk to him... don't keep it to yourself.
geebers geebers 8 years
Can I just concur with Sjo33: "a lot of the problems on Dear could be fixed with better communication. That's why people come here... because they need validation that their worries and insecurities are really legit so that they feel empowered to communicate that there is a problem. So please, enough with the little side comments"
Chrstne Chrstne 8 years
You're justified. It is a blatant disrespect to grind with some other girl in the first place if you have a girlfriend, but just absolutely foolish to do it in front of her. You need to have a serious talk with this guy. I mean, he probably had no ill intentions, but that doesn't make it any better. If he refuses to give it up, then it would be a deal breaker. If he gets offended, I'd ask him what his major malfunction was to be thinking that it was remotely close to okay to do that. If my boyfriend did this, chances are I'd over-react and slap him, because I don't take sh*t like that. Ever. For any reason. ...and being drunk is not an excuse. Anyone who says they don't know what they're doing when they are drunk, I would say BS to...because even when I get sh*tfaced, I know PERFECTLY well what I am doing. I'm not saying that my inhibitions aren't lowered -- but I still know the difference between right and wrong, stupid and smart. I still know what I am doing at all times.
Smacks83 Smacks83 8 years
I don't care if my bf dances with other would be the grinding up on them that would piss me the hell off. I agree, I think she would have been overreacting if she had b*tch slapped some people and began screaming at him at the party. She should jsut pull him aside when they are alone and just let him know she was bothered by his behavior and ask him how would he feel if he saw some drunk guy grinding up on her. His reaction will let you know how he really feels about you.
7showgirl7 7showgirl7 8 years
Talking is the only way to go in order to have a good relationship, if it bothered you I don't think you overreacted, but after talking about it let it go.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 8 years
The 'grinding' thing with a stranger only works if both parties (bf-gf) have mutual understanding that it's cool to do so. Personally, I'd think it's disrespectful to your SO to do that. I'm just old world about these things. I'm not going to be happy if my hubby went out on the dance floor and start grinding some woman and the two of them go at it (well, part of it is because my hub doesn't dance ever LOL). And vice versa with my hub, he's not going to be happy seeing me grinding up some guy at a bar (in fact, that's why he broke up with his ex-gf in the past). I don't think she's overreacting for feeling the way she feels. People feel all sorts of things all the time, but I have to commend her for not starting a fight or throwing hissy fits in public although she felt hurt and upset. OP still has to sit down and talk to the bf and explain what type of boundaries are acceptable for their relationship. Since they're like these young generation couples, and from some responses, it seems that it's very cool/natural for guys to pull this off in front of their gfs...because it's fun or whatnot.
Miss-Senorita Miss-Senorita 8 years
I don't blame her for feeling that way but all she has to do is sit him down like Dear said and talk to him about it.
candace87 candace87 8 years
I still think shes overreacting, who cares about a little dancing? She was there, its not like he was trying to pick her up. I don't consider dancing cheating, I think its fun to dance with others, attached or not.
soapybub soapybub 8 years
Try to remember who the 'aggressor' was in the dancing. If it was the girl being 'all up on him', then maybe he didn't like it, thought it was awkward, and is hoping you didn't see it. I can see that happening. Weird guys always seem to be secretly trying to grind me from behind once the party hits about 1am. I have also seen numerous girls attack (I use the term loosely) guys on the dance floor as well. If he was just dancing with another girl, maybe he was just trying to give you some time with your girls by hitting up the dance floor. If it was inappropriate though, then I would definitely say something. Definitely make it clear to him why you're upset. Be sure to include the 'inappropriate' nature of his dancing. I've never lost a bf to dancing with a girl at a party, but one time my ex- bf was chatting up a girl at a party for like 30 mins. We def broke up the next weekend even though I didn't even say anything to him about it. Sometimes a guy's actions are completely telling. He obviously wasn't that into me anymore. I hope that's not the case for you.
Ac2366 Ac2366 8 years
I take it back, you're justified. Most men are morons. They can't help it. I had a momentary lapse in my normally good judgement where I actually over estimated a man's intentions. My bf swiftly reminded me tonight that men put little to no thought behind their actions and then wonder what they did wrong. Be mad and set your boundaries carefully.
Muirnea Muirnea 8 years
sjo33: "BTW, I have to roll my eyes at plus_2_kid and all the other posters who are like, what's the matter with you that you can't communicate with your BF? listen, i agree with you-- a lot of the problems on Dear could be fixed with better communication. But we live in this weird society that constantly tells us we're overreacting if it makes us uncomfortable or insure if our BFs go to strip clubs, go out with their boys all hours of the night, look at porn, or hang out with their exes. That's why people come here... because they need validation that their worries and insecurities are really legit so that they feel empowered to communicate that there is a problem. So please, enough with the little side comments ("maybe you guys aren't so tight after all")... so unnecessary and unempathetic." I totally agree with all that ^. I think your bf was totally out of line and being very disrespectful to you. Since when is grinding on other girls ok when you're in a relationship!?!? I think it's sad that so many people on here are saying you are overreacting. If your bf would like to grind on other girls, he shouldn't be in a committed relationship...committed...that's kind of the point. And I'm willing to bet he would have a huge problem if you danced like that with another guy. You should have done that at the party, just gone up to some random guy and started grinding, then see what he thinks about that. LOL, ok maybe not...but still, boys are so stupid, it takes that kind of thing to get an idea through their head sometimes. Honestly, I wouldn't put up with that AT ALL. If I'm with a guy, I think he should be able to figure out how to respect me all by himself (he's a grownup that can think for himself) shouldn't take me having to have a talk with him for him to start thinking about respecting me. I would go find a guy that actually attempts to try and respect you before you have to ask him to. Buuut...most people aren't as extreme as if you aren't, then you should just talk to him about it, and then if he still tries to do things like dance like that, that's just how he is and he doesn't respect you, so you should find someone else.
jazzytummy jazzytummy 8 years
Overreacting would have been smacking down the chick grinding on her bf and bitching him out at 60 decibels. The OP handled it well, and I agree, talk to the guy. Men are so stupid sometimes, nothing ever really matters unless it happens to them. I'm sure he wouldn't appreciate it if the situation was reversed. Incredibly disrespectful behavior on his part.
RunninginBoston RunninginBoston 8 years
jocupcake--your first comment (since when did being a secure girl start to mean being ok with anything guys want to do?) reminded me of a book I was reading by Neil Peart (Traveling Music). He grew up during the 60's and 70's, and pointed out the irony that many women had pre-marital sex even if they weren't comfortable to prove they were "liberated." He saw a lot of his female acquaintences get used by men when really being liberated was having a choice, not feeling pressured either way. Not sure we've come along way, baby. :)
jacklin jacklin 8 years
I agree that it's just not appropriate for a anyone to be grinding with some random person when they have a boyfriend/girlfriend (even more ridiculous to do it in front of them.)'s also very disrspectful. You two need to have a talk.Your b/f needs to understand how this has bothered you.
jocupcake jocupcake 8 years
Also, kudos to sjo33's mention of previous side comments. What is the harm in being able to confirm with fellow chicks (and some guys too!) that you aren't being a nut when something bothers you? I think this is a good thing. I'm sure a lot of little insecurity problems are solved by just talking things out on this site while bigger issues are validated as real problems that actually DO need to be talked about with your partner.
jocupcake jocupcake 8 years
Um, overreacting would have been starting a fight or throwing a hissy fit. You are not overreacting just be being bothered by something and wanting to talk about it (that's called being a grownup). As far as I'm concerned, when you date someone, that means no suggestive dancing with other guys/girls. If you wouldn't dance that way with a sibling, you shouldn't be doing it. Also, to all the posters who say this is overreacting: since when did being a secure girl start to mean being ok with anything guys want to do? I thought being a secure girl meant knowing that you deserve to be treated with respect and being able to stand up for yourself.
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