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You Asked: My Fiance Talks About his Ex All the Time

DearSugar --

I've been with my boyfriend for a year and 6 months, and we have recently gotten engaged. The only problem is that he talks about his ex-girlfriend all the time, and he's even told me what her body was like. It's really getting me down. We have a child together, so I really don't want to break up with him, but i don't know what to do. I've tried talking to him about it but he changes the subject. Please help me. -- Hurt Hannah


To see DEARSUGAR's answer



Dear Hurt Hannah --

This is a hard one. Any relationship with a child involved is one in which much deliberation and thoughfulness must follow. It's also critical for a child to see love, kindness and respect between his parents, as you will both be models for what is and isn't acceptable between two people. I believe you need to take a long walk or sit quietly somewhere and ask yourself what you need in a marriage, a man, and a father to your child. Search yourself for these answers, Hannah. When you know your expectations and boundaries, take a deep breath and resolve to accept nothing less for you and your family.

Then, communicate to your partner that being told any details about his ex-girlfriend is off-limits and unacceptable, unless you solicit the conversation. Period. Do not let him control or change the subject. Be sure he understands that this kind of talk feels unloving and disrespectful, and that you are completely serious about being in a relationship where such bad feelings are not daily fare. However, Hurt Hannah, I wouldn't suggest taking this position unless you mean it and are prepared to make choices for yourself and your child based on his subsequent behaviors and attitude.

I truly, truly hope he hears you this time and can connect with how uncomfortable and awful this would make anyone feel, much less the woman he's about to marry. Please keep in touch and let us know how this unfolds for you.



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Join The Conversation
LaLaLaurie06 LaLaLaurie06 10 years
My ex-boyfriend once started an im conversation with his ex right after we had had sex. Great!!
honeysugar28 honeysugar28 10 years
I don't understand guys for that same reason unless they feel the pain for themselves they don't realize what they're doing to you. I think the most important thing is to have a calm discussion about it and basically just let him know that it hurts your feelings and its unfair to be constantly compared to an ex-girlfriend you don't need to hear about it. I think ultimately what we all want is someone who loves us for who we are and like Dear Sugar says accept nothing else but that.
My-Opinion My-Opinion 10 years
I'm so sick of immature men like that. He's rubbing it in your face for his own sick insecure crap. Start talking about how huge your ex boyfriends d*ck was! Do it!!!!!
Marci Marci 10 years
All good thoughts on here. And I think you need to tell him how hurtful it is for him to tell you about his exes body. There can't ever be a reason for that conversation.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 10 years
Did he break up with her for you or were you his rebound? I don't know why he's still fixated unless he still has feelings for her. Either way, why can't you put your foot down about this and make him understand? This doesn't sound like a balanced or healthy situation.
Trixie6 Trixie6 10 years
When my ex husband and I were first dating, he used to do the same thing to me. He went so far as to tell me how she was in bed. I agree with Dear's answer. The only thing I might add, which finally got my point across to my ex, is turning the tables on him. Yes, it's somewhat childish, but if you shock him with talking about your ex it may make him realise just how hurtful his behavior is.
Monkeyluv Monkeyluv 10 years
I agree with all of the above! ~~~Just Do It~~~
kendalheart kendalheart 10 years
I agree its very simple he needs to know this is not okay and i find it hard to think he actually thinks it is okay. He has to know in his heart that its hurtful and frankly unacceptable and disrespectful! Good luck to you
blogsap blogsap 10 years
I love your advice, dearsugar. it's always on point.
grl-in-the-world grl-in-the-world 10 years
Dear's answer is very thorough and I don't have too much to add. Maybe when you have the conversation with him about what is unacceptable to you, you could ask him to put himself in your position: How would he feel if you constantly brought up an ex boyfriend? It sounds like he has a really unhealthy obsession and I'm not sure what his motives are in bringing her up in conversations. You and your child deserve respect and I sincerely hope that you are able to quickly resolve this matter, it must weigh heavily on your mind, and it's really such an unnecessary stress.
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