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You Asked: My Friend With Benefits Doesn't Make an Effort

You Asked: My Friend With Benefits Doesn't Make an Effort

Dear Sugar,

I had a horrible breakup not too long ago, and so I'm not currently dating right now. I'm OK with being single, but the one thing that I am not a fan of is the lack of sex. I started up a sex-buddy relationship with an ex of mine that I'm still really good friends with because we're both unattached, but I never see him! Our schedules are hard to coordinate and I don't feel that he makes the effort. I read your rules on casual sex, but I don't know how to talk to him about our lack of sex or even if I should since we're not in an actual relationship. I would think that he would be jumping at the chance for hot sex with no strings attached! Should I confront him about this or am I better off just leaving it alone?

— Sexless Stacey

To see DearSugar's answer,


Dear Sexless Stacey,

It's true that the general idea behind a friends-with-benefits situation is that you actually get to have sex when you want, but it's also a situation centered on convenience — yours and his. By broaching this subject with him, you're automatically redefining your relationship and venturing out of the casual and into the emotional. If you want this guy to just be your sex buddy then you have to accept the flippant nature of that relationship. But instead of dealing with all of that, why not give yourself a hand and use a vibrator! I know it's not the same as having sex, but the perks are unbeatable — it comes with absolutely no drama and it's available whenever you want it!


Join The Conversation
joy2U joy2U 8 years
No offense but sounds like "He's just not that into you" Go see the movie and find a new FB (shouldn't be hard to find) that appreciates a girl like you who is willing to give him great sex with no strings attached.
Janine22 Janine22 8 years
He's probably getting sex elsewhere. Move on, especially if you feel he is not making an effort. Respect yourself enough to know that you deserve better than him. BTW, in my experience the fuck buddy situation usually ends with the girl getting hurt/feeling used/or emotionally attached. Usually, it is just not worth it. Good luck to you.
theannalicious theannalicious 8 years
Marci Marci 8 years
Oops - I meant there are NOT many guys who will turn down so-strings sex...
Marci Marci 8 years
I think it's pretty obvious that he's not needing the benefits or else you'd hear from him. There are many guys who will turn down no-strings sex, so I'm guessing he's getting it elsewhere and has you on the back burner. Why would you demean yourself to beg someone for sex? I agree with Dear here. Take care of yourself sexually until you meet someone where you really want that kind of relationship.
ilanac13 ilanac13 8 years
i have to agree wtih the advice here. i think that if it's not easy - then it's not really the way that the relationship is supposed to work, and either you need to find someone else to have as your friend with benefits or you need to manage things on your own (which we all know isn't quite the same thing). chances are if you talk to him about it, he'll start feeling like you're taking on the nagging girlfriend side of things, and that's not going to work i don't think.
highsociety1 highsociety1 8 years
If he was interested, he would accomodate your schedule. Men are really that simple. Really. The fact that you are considering imposing "rules" onto a non-rule kind of relationship also shows that you may not really be cut out for the FWB situation.
Fallen85 Fallen85 8 years
mesayme, that didnt make any sense
Mesayme Mesayme 8 years
That's disgusting...while you're at it go ahead and charge...then you can afford shop to feel better and be an emotional eater while your at it.
babysoftpink babysoftpink 8 years
It is hard to believe that guys don't love sex. The fact that he has to make an effort to have scheduled sex with me leads me to think that there is not much left in this guy that you could cultivate. (In plain language, neither the love nor the sex works in the relationship between you) Can you just remain friends with him? Maybe he could fulfill your needs as a friend. Can you accept that he just can't be more to you than a friend. You can't encourage or force someone to do something, especially when most guys just want sex no matter how busy his schedule gets.
Marni7 Marni7 8 years
u have a sex-buddy relationship with an ex??? hmm isnt that a sure fire way to catch some feelings? catching feelings is a no no no in sex-buddy relationship! anywho..back to the topic..if ur not getting any from ur FB..(whose sole purpose is to give you SOME) then maybe you should find another?
geebers geebers 8 years
LMAO Rock - I am seconding that. Why do you HAVE to have a guy that isn't even that good of an FB stressing you out? Can't you buy some toys? It is safer and also doesn't involve emotion and mess - which is what you want right?
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 8 years
Close your legs and just read a book. Seriously.
DarlingDA DarlingDA 8 years
Bigger as in him, not the status of the relationship.
DarlingDA DarlingDA 8 years
Yeah, I can't do the FWB thing - it seems weird to schedule sex, but you don't necessarily want to go to dinner or a movie beforehand, as it is not a date. And it seems like guys think FWB means "whenever I can get my lazy butt away from Halo long enough to get it up", which wasn't what I was planning on. And no, the sex was not that good. I think that's the only thing that kept me around - I kept thinking it would get better (and bigger hopefully), but it never did, and he never made an effort (all he had to do was lie back and get hard, but that seemed like too much of a committment to him), so I just stopped hanging out with him, since really, all we had in common was a love of good sex, and I had to be the one making it good.
queenlizzie queenlizzie 8 years
Perhaps his "schedule" problems are actually other sex buddies. Think about that and how it makes you feel. If you're hurt, move on. This isn't a relationship, and acting like it is one while pretending like it isn't is going to lead to heartache.
Berlin Berlin 8 years
It sounds like you're just making up your own 'makeshift' relationship with this guy. Friends with benefits shouldn't make any effort, that's the point. If you're available then you have your fun, you hang out if you both wish, but pretty much you are only friends that sleep together whenever you please. Projecting onto him rules of a relationship (like him making more of an effort) is not what FWB is all about. Either it seems you're just wanting to be able to cling to someone and not label it as a relationship, or that you just need to find yourself another 'buddy.' But dont put any pressure or bring it up to him, he has no obligation to you here.
pixelhaze pixelhaze 8 years
Yeah he's not fulfilling his purpose. get a better one.
Fallen85 Fallen85 8 years
Number 11 on my blog: 11. Finally, very important. Make sure he is damn well worth it. He either be ridiculously goodlooking or f*cking AMAZING in bed. DO NOT SETTLE. He is SO lucky to have a girl willing to use him for sex and sex alone so you better make sure he is blowing your socks off every single time you see him. If you dont like him, dont call him and dont answer his calls. Find someone hotter/better. If you feel unsatisfied then FIND A NEW FB!! This guy isnt satisfying you, you're not getting enough sex so go find a new one. It's not this guys' fault that he's busy, you two just dont match up so go find someone else. Next time your current FB calls you up just tell him you're busy and eventually he'll get the hint. Bottom line: NEVER SETTLE!
bluestar bluestar 8 years
Leave it alone.
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