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You Asked: My Friends Are Being Mean Girls

Dear Sugar,

I am 21 years old and have had the same "best friends" for eight years. Since we started university, things have changed, though. I've made new friends and my old friends have not. I feel like I'm living my life at a different pace than them because they're hesitant to break away and meet new people.

I've recently noticed that my old friends have been making plans on nights that they know I can't go out due to family obligations. I've also learned that on those nights out without me, they make other plans, again without telling me. To make things worse, one of the girls accidentally forwarded an email chain to me in which they were all talking about how much fun they had the night before, and I felt horrible that I wasn't even invited.

Just last week one of my uncles passed away. I know for a fact that they heard the news, yet I did not receive a single phone call, text message, or email from any of them. This has been a really hard time for me and my family and it would have been nice to have my friends' support, yet no one was there for me. What should I do? Have our friendships simply run their course? Were they ignoring me out of spite? — Left Out Laurie

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Dear Left Out Laurie,

I'm so sorry to hear about your uncle — my thoughts are with you and your family.

I'm also sorry to hear that your friends weren't there for you when you needed them most. It's pretty clear that there's a disconnect here, so I'd talk to them ASAP. These girls have been your friends for eight years and while some friendships do just run their course, I'd be surprised if that happened with all of them at the same time. Since you've been making new friends and experiencing new adventures, your friends could be feeling left out. Although I'm sure that's exactly how you feel, they might think your desire to meet new people means they aren't good enough for you anymore. Now I'm not excusing their actions — they shouldn't be conspiring against you or alienating you in any way — but once you sit down and talk it all out, I'll bet the cause of this distance was all just a misunderstanding.

If having a heart-to-heart doesn't help, you'll have to ask yourself if what they're giving out of this friendship is enough for you. If it is, take them for what they're worth, but if it's not, I'd sever ties and move on. If you choose to take that route, you don't need to be arch enemies, but you don't need to be best friends either.

I hope a sincere talk will do the trick. Good luck.


ilanac13 ilanac13 8 years
friendships are hard sometimes when you're moving on and they aren't. i had a BEST friend throughout high school and she didn't really make the new friends like i did or move away and all that - and i think that sometimes she is spiteful of that. it's hard cause you know that you have this really strong bond with friends, but you can't put your life on hold because they don't. i can understand that you're upset because they aren't including you and if that's how they want to deal with things, then do you really want to have friends like that? like dear said - you should really try to have a talk with them. maybe they feel like they were putting it out there to include you for so long but you never gave back. i know that you said that you had family commitments and all that, but maybe they just didn't want to hear that and assumed that you were going out with your 'new' friends. i hope that you're able to work it out, and if not, remember that you can make some of your BEST friends later in life and have just as strong of a relationship as you would have with friends that you've known since you were in elementary school
nicklegoat nicklegoat 8 years
People grow up, change and grow apart it happens all the time. Get out and meet some new people! remember u r ur only true best friend!
chow chow 8 years
you learn who your real friends are during your low times.
luv_bug1211 luv_bug1211 8 years
This happened to me, it sucks but believe me your better off. I was best of friends with 3 other girls and we were inseparable. It started the same way, they made plans to do things on days they knew I couldn't go, I knew it was mostly one trying to push me out. So i pretty much told them to go eff themselves when they ditched for like the 10th time. Its kinda funny because about 2 years later i two of them out at a club and the one that i knew what pushing me out drunkenly giggled about how they were trying to push out the one that wasn't there that night. What goes around comes around.
ayuninur ayuninur 8 years
it's time to ditch them and move on..
madelineannem madelineannem 8 years
and i agree with Marni7, the only reason they are doing this is because they are jealous. if they were making new friends, they would see how important it is.
madelineannem madelineannem 8 years
this is happening to me right now also. if your old friends won't put aside any problems you may have just simply say they are thinking of you when you lost your uncle, then they do not care about you enough to be your friends. you should clear it up immediately. but from experience, i think once this has happened, it tends to keep happening until your friendship ultimately fades away completely. good luck :/ losing friends hurts just as much as family or a significant other, maybe even more.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 8 years
Plans are made when people are out together. Someone will say "oh let's do this tomorrow" etc and then they plan it out. Don't take it so personally. It's also funny that you say they deliberately make plans specifically when they know you have family obligations. What are they supposed to do? Sit home and wait until you're free again? You're moving on in your life and they're moving on too. You can't expect to keep things exactly as they were. If you want to spend time with them, call them up and make plans. Don't sit there and wait for them to call you and pout if they don't.
lickety-split lickety-split 8 years
you didn't get that email by accident, you have to know that. they want you to feel left out because they feel like you left them behind. as time goes on and they see that you can be both friends with them and have new friend too they will relax. sounds like they aren't good at moving in new circles and you are. you're all young and experiencing new things. i think you will find your way back to friendship with this group, but let it happen naturally. be nice when you see them and when they ask what's new say "well as you know my family is dealing with the death of my uncle" and you might find out that they DIDN'T know (they sound pretty self absorbed) or that they simply are too emotionally immature to know what to say. you've made new friends and are in school so you have plenty to keep yourself busy. :)
nikecold nikecold 8 years
I'm sorry about your uncle. But this is coming from someone who hates making phonecalls when someone's friends or relative die, these girls are not your friends, hold on to what good memories you had once and let it go. If they are just doing this to be spitful because they're jealous you can make friends on your own then they don't deserve you. It is obvious you're way more mature. Also they can't even use the awkwardness of the situation as an excuse. My friends from highschool and I barely see each other or talk, and while I don't particularly love it I have been there any time someone close to them has died. Its not even about friendship its about common decency. They don't have it, find someone who deserves you and doesn't make jealousy over petty things interfere in the more important ones.
bluesteyes bluesteyes 8 years
This happens to many of us girls and we find it very heart breaking. I think you've done something to piss some of them off and you didn't know it. It's probably not your fault anyway but they are sticking together. FIND new people honey. Don't bother calling them anymore. GO and do something you enjoy and eventually you'll find new people to hang with
fauxtographic fauxtographic 8 years
I'm with Jammi about being suspicious about the "accidental" forward. either someone was trying to rub it in, or it's possible that one of your friends might be sympathetic and trying to let you in on the extent of the bullsh*zz! I'd also consider maybe talking to some of your friends one-on-one rather than in a group - that could get ugly. Chances are high that there's a 'ringleader' encouraging all this crap, and you probably know who that is, so it might be easier to talk to the friends who you suspect might be more sympathetic towards you but too wrapped up in the whole group scheming mentality to see how hurtful it is. sometimes it's not the whole group that needs to be ditched, just the poisoner in the bunch :P
MartiniLush MartiniLush 8 years
They aren't your friends and you don't need them in your life.
cubadog cubadog 8 years
While I do agree that they are being bitchy and the way they are treating you is not kind. My question to you is have you ever invited them out with your new friends? I have a feeling that they are jealous over your new life and feel just as left out. I do think they are being very immature but it is time to have a chat with them and if things do not improve than time to move ont to people that really care about you!
chipjimi chipjimi 8 years
It's time to ditch those so-called friends.
kia kia 8 years
Well girls can be jerks, we can be mean. I imagine they are completely confused that you don't need to be co-dependent on them like they need to be with each other. You are all maturing at different rates and it sounds like you are taking the first leap. They cannot be excused for neglecting to check in with you with the passing of a family member. Perhaps one day they will apologize for being jerks if you still bother to speak with them.
Jammi Jammi 8 years
Personally I'm suspicious about the 'accidentally' forwarded email, that seems like something you do to rub it in the person's face that they weren't there. I think you need to distance yourself from them, teh childishness might've been forgivable once you talked it out with them and they laid out their greviances but the fact that someone close to you died and they didn't even acknowledge it is horrible, and not something friends would do, no matter how upset they might be at you.
sundaygreen sundaygreen 8 years
I agree with Mesayme.
Mesayme Mesayme 8 years
Time to move on and make some mature friends.
Marni7 Marni7 8 years
You dont deserve this. I think they are probably jealous of your new friends and are acting distant because they feel upset about how things have changed BUT we are all grown women here..the fact that they werent there for you when someone in your family died proves that they are beyond is have to surround yourself with positive people to make it just a little bit more tolerable.
stumbler02 stumbler02 8 years
I agree with Dear. Your friends might be ignoring you out of bitchiness, or they might just have a different view of your friendship (perhaps you really have distanced them by making new friendships?). Either way, talk to them in a concerned, rather than confrontational, tone, to let them know how they've let you down and to ask them how you may have alienated them as well. They are apparently too juvenile to voice their concerns about you directly. It's up to you to be the mature one and bring it up in a meaningful talk. I'm sorry to hear about your uncle. I hope you have other friends or loved ones whom you can look to for support.
kiwitwist kiwitwist 8 years
I agree with Dear. If they don't 'talk' back rationally or try and blame you for everything than I would just let them go. Otherwise this will just continue for a VERY long time.
HeidiMD HeidiMD 8 years
I wouldn't even bother with talking to them, except to let them know what total b*tches they are. It's pretty clear they're over your friendship. Why not get to know your new friends better?
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