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You Asked: My Husband Cheated and Got Her Pregnant

Dear Sugar,

My husband cheated on me and admitted to the affair two weeks after it happened. He also just found out that she is pregnant; he says the condom broke. We have a 12-year-old and, after three miscarriages, we also have a 1-year-old. He and I agreed that we did not want anymore kids, so the news has been a real shock to me. I am so hurt that he would betray me in this way after 10 years of marriage and all of the hardship we have gone through. I am in counseling because I was literally on the verge of a breakdown.

I want so much for the marriage to work, but really can it? What are the chances of him doing it again? I will not tolerate another woman in the middle of my marriage. He made the choice to lay down with her, so why am I paying the price? This other woman is undecided about what to do with the baby. Some days she says she's going to have an abortion, and other days she says she's going to have the baby and can raise it all on her own. I can't and won't accept another child that isn't mine into my life. What can and should I do realistically?

—Betrayed and Broken Betty

To see Dear Sugar's answer

Dear Betrayed and Broken Betty,

I know that you want this marriage to work, for your sake and for the sake of your children, but is a bad marriage really better than no marriage? You obviously can't trust this guy one bit, and that's one of the necessities in a strong, healthy marriage. I'm not sure if there's anything he can do that will win back your trust. Even if he apologizes profusely, and promises never to cheat on you again, what if this woman decides to have the baby? If she does, even though she says she'll raise it on her own, there's no doubt that your husband will have some part in this child's life. How will you explain that to your children and your family? Will you be able to stay married to a man who fathered someone else's child?

What your husband did was wrong and ruined the sacred bond of marriage that you two had. Not only that, but his having sex with someone else put your health at risk (I guess he didn't think about STIs). Whether this woman goes along with the pregnancy or not, what's stopping him from cheating again?

You have two choices. You can either forgive him and stay married, or not forgive him and get divorced. Only you will know what feels right. I am glad you are in counseling, and if you feel like there's a way to make this work (through couples therapy and open communication), then I'd give it a try. On the other hand, if you feel like he cut you way too deep for you to ever trust him again, it may be time to end this relationship. Good luck, Betty.


Join The Conversation
Bagwel Bagwel 4 years
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hello-dee hello-dee 5 years
My husband cheated on me and have one child. I forgave him but it took a long time to get over, then I found out he had another two kids with the same women. Now he has three kids and we have two. He will never earn back the trust. He won't go for counselling but feels he will change. Don't trust him anymore and am heading or divorce. Very sad as we have been married 28 years.
Brokenheart23 Brokenheart23 7 years
I'm in the same situation just a little bit worst I just had my first child for my husband this was suppose to be the greatest moment of our lifes but nope. My son is 6 wks old and my husband got someone pregnant just about the same time I got pregnant she is having twins, boy and girl, he asked me to forgive him I tried but it's not possible this girl is no where in my class, nasty trashy I don't want to be rude but she torn up from the foot up and when I think about the nasty things he did this girl I don't want him to ever touch me again. All I knw is I'm leaving him I now knw wat heartache feels like.
Ms-Joe Ms-Joe 9 years
I am dealing with this very thing. My husband cheated after six months of marriage, and I forgave him. He cheated again, six months later, and the woman got pregnant and had the child. The child is not a toddler, and despite seperating we decided to try to work it out. I still have mixed feelings about this because as everyone mentioned, i have to deal with the financial burden of a child, the other woman and seeing her when we pick-up the child, wondering if he will do it again, the battle to forgive, his guilt, etc. You have to decide if you're strong enough to deal with those things (and you are) but more importantly if your husband is worth that struggle. Because he will have struggles, but your being there is more of a comfort to him than anything else. But YOU are the one shouldering the majority of the emotional burden. Ask yourself: does he love me? is he a cheater (will he do it again)? has he learned his lesson? is he willing to do everything it takes to make me comfortable in the situation? will he ensure you a position of respect with the child and the child's mother? will he allow you the time you need to heal? while you're healing, can you be strong enough to be there for him, your child, and your (now) stepchild. You can overcome all of your emotions around this. But his support and repentance is key, as well as your ability to feel powerful in a situation that could render you otherwise. You have to weigh it. Keep in mind, 50% of people cheat in a spouse. It's terrible, but it likely was not about you. If he is dealing with the root of his problem and he's moved on from cheating as a coping mechanism, great! If not, leave. But overall...the choice for you is do you want to do the emotional work and sacrifice to see this thru. I am trying, and I've made some strides. I'll pray for you, but choose what's best for YOU.
michelleyk michelleyk 9 years
I like the idea of a breather. You need to put some distance on the situation. You can file for a separation, stay in counseling, and try to rebuild your emotional well-being. THEN, and ONLY then can you take a good hard look at your hurt and your children, and yourself and decide what is best for you and only you. My mother always tells me, we give and we give, and forget to take care of ourselves. Then when there's nothing left, we fall apart. You have to take care of yourself, so that you can take care of your children. Whatever will be best for you, in the long run, will be best for them. With love and empathy, Michelle
JessBear JessBear 9 years
I'm so, so sorry for you. I'm not even going to give an opinion on what you should do, because I'm not sure what I would do. I do have two pieces of advice, however: 1.) Get your 12 year old in therapy, too, ESPECIALLY if you end up leaving, but even if you don't. She knows something is wrong, and she should have help dealing with it so it doesn't come back to haunt her when she's an adult and dealing with her own relationships. 2.) You NEED to be checked for STDs, even if your husband swears up and down there's no reason to. And, FYI? Many STDs can have a dormancy phase of up to six months before they're detectable, so you should get checked now, and six months from now to be certain. No matter what you decide, this is going to be a long and painful process, but I wish you the best and have faith that you'll come out of it stronger and happier.
laurafox laurafox 9 years
GET OUT. I know how you feel - you probably can't even imagine life without your husband - but the person you loved and trusted most in the world betrayed you in the worst way possible. He cast aside your feelings for his own pleasure. I don't know you, but I know you deserve better, which you WILL get. Divorce is unpleasant, but a MUCH better life awaits you, sweetheart.
mrskrismendoza mrskrismendoza 9 years
You poor thing I am soo sorry. You truly deserve so much better. I am sorry for you and your kids.
chicaparati17 chicaparati17 9 years
hugs! stay in will have to do what is right for you and your children
pinaychic5 pinaychic5 9 years
trust IS hard once its broken. may God be with you in your decisions. *HUGS*
karlotta karlotta 9 years
I'm so so sorry for you. If I were you, I would talk to the woman, and explain to her that she has already destroyed a lot of things, and that adding a child into the mix is going to make your family implode without any chance for repair - and maybe questioning her desire to have a child with YOUR husband, instead of one of her own, and reminding her of how complicated and ugly the situation surrounding the child's birth will be, will veer her decision towards not being such a selfish skanky immature tramp. Maybe she'll be receptive. Your husband, I feel, will probably never cheat again. He's probably living through hell right now (good for him) and will never want to repeat the experience. Men who cheat repeatedly do because there are no harsh consequences. Having a baby with a woman he doesn't love, the load of that responsibility, and maybe losing you FOR A WHILE (take a breather, maybe?) will definitely teach him a lesson. Be strong, we're all with you! xoxo
Marci Marci 9 years
Wow. My heart really goes out to you. I know you have two children to consider, but I would find it very difficult to stay in this marriage. The trust has been broken, and even if you could forgive your husband for cheating (which I could never do), there is the real possibility that you might have a walking talking reminder of his infidelity as part of your life. THAT'S major. No one can make this choice for you. Only you really know how you feel and what you want. But I wish you love and luck. And remember; you CAN have a life without him should you feel that might be a better option.
sapphiya sapphiya 9 years
Sorry to send so many messages, but this really touches close to home. As you can imagine, I have a lot I could say, I know the betrayal and devastation that results from such a situation personally from a similar perspective - I didn't mention that we have two young children as well. I just know I would have regretted a different choice eventually, and as mine is not the usual choice or advice, I felt impelled to share it. I send lots of support, thoughts and prayers your way.
sapphiya sapphiya 9 years
Oops, I forgot to mention, but I think it is important, that my father married 3 times, and had six children with four women - my first two half-sisters were born while my parents were still married, and while we don't have close relationships, I, as the first-born, always wished we could. I always believed the children were not to blame and probably felt the same way we did, my mother taught me that,particularly as my father divorced my mother and left those sisters' mother at the same time and married a different woman the second time. I was ten at the time and the one who knew first - as my father is a lawyer, his secretary was drawing up the divorce papers when I came from school. I simply thought growing up that the sibling relationship should not have to be different from a blended family relationship. I didn't get that, but I still love my dad to bits,because he is my father, and I love him with all his flaws,and in spite of them. So it doesn't have to be a bad thing either way. Perhaps this could help?
sapphiya sapphiya 9 years
I wouldn't normally comment, but I know from experience how hard it is to find support and positive examples if one decides to stay. As most said, only you can decide whether or not to stay, or if you can trust your husband again. My personal experience was that I did stay and I am glad I did, because I knew my husband and I will still say he is the best husband and man I know, so that even though I had always maintained I would never stay with anyone who cheated on me, the realities were, and are, that his adultery stemmed from childhood parental issues, and he finds it harder to forgive himself than I ever could find it to forgive him. Also, a few years from that, our marriage is stronger and better than ever and I love him and trust him even more than before, and he shows me every day how grateful he is that he got the chance to right his wrongs which stemmed from hating himself and acting out to make me hate him too, because he really believed, from his past, that that was what he deserved. That's a synopsis of my story. I noticed that your husband admitted the adultery to you himself, and that usually denotes real sorrow according to many experts studying causes of adultery and the hopes for marriages in which adultery occurs. Hope it helps, no matter what you decide, and I hope that whatever you decide is right for you. Just in case you're interested, in my searching at the time, some iVillage articles really helped me to make up my mind when my friends and family thought they were supportive by taking sides when I just needed to consider all the sides, as well as this article, the results of a study - Unhappy Marriages - found at this website, If you are interested, you can just do a search through your search engine. It really helped me to make the right decisions for me/us, that I could live with without being influenced in any way. Wishing you the best, and empathising completely, no matter what.
pinupsweetheart pinupsweetheart 9 years
Whoa sweetie. I am so sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you have already made up your mind. It hurt you too much. I think if you stay with him, it will only get worse. The trust between you both is lost forever and why stay with someone you can't trust. If you stay and try to make it work, it may work for a while. But what happens when the baby is born? How will you feel when he starts to pay child support? How do you think you will feel when he is torn spending the holidays with you and your children or his other child? Will you put up with having this child over, playing with your children, having your children ask questions you can’t answer? No sweetie, this will be too hard for you. I think it will be a lot healthier for you, your husband and your children to part ways. He made a very, very bad choice and now he has to deal with it. It sucks that your marriage, your children and an innocent unborn child has to be pulled into this. But he made his bed and now he has to lie in it. My suggestion is to stay strong and seek counseling, for yourself at least. You are going to need to let out and vent and you need a third party to do so. Stand tall sweetie and remember you are a good mother and a good person. Do what your heart tells you. We are all praying for you.
karlorene karlorene 9 years
Think of yourself, and the welfare of your children. If you are with him, you won't be happy. Let yourself heal and move on. You two can still be responsible mature parents, but he took a vow to be faithful to you the rest of your lives. He broke it- now he can deal with the consequences. Let that other woman have a guy who is willing to cheat in his marriage of 10 years. Karma- what goes around comes around.
davisdavis davisdavis 9 years
Honey, on your way to therapy and the attorney's office, do yourself a favor and stop in at the gynecologist's. This man cheated on you. This man lied to you. This man is not looking out for you. You need to look out for yourself, physically, emotionally and financially. And that may mean leaving him. Remember, your kids are watching and learning from your actions. They will do as they see. You have to teach them how to value themselves. If that means working this out with your husband, fantastic, but that will take a lot of work on his and your part. If any party is not willing to put that in, get out fast. (And I'm concerned by what others have noted; that he doesn't seem remorseful.) The sooner you commit to a game plan, the sooner you can get on with your life.
sparklestar sparklestar 9 years
I just thought this over when I was in the kitchen and concluded - how do you ever forgive somebody for doing that to you? Can you really expect to grow old with them knowing that they broke the sanctity of marriage and got another woman pregnant? It's horrible and I can't imagine growing old with anybody who would do that to me. I wouldn't be able to love them anymore because whilst they were out getting their end away, they weren't loving me. I'm so sorry for anybody this has ever happened to. I knew somebody at work whose husband cheated on her when she was pregnant with her son (after 8 miscarriages) and the other woman got pregnant at the same time. She found out after they'd both given birth (on the same ward..) and went round to confront her. It turned out that they got on like a house on fire (which I still think is weird) and they take the kids out for picnics and have a pact NEVER to sleep with the guy ever again. He's now out of the picture for both of them and they've moved on and have their friendship now. This case is very extreme though and very much not how most women would deal with such a situation!!
sarar855 sarar855 9 years
im sorry that this is happening to you... ive been there... my husband did the same thing about 3 1/2 yrs ago.... he cheated on me wit this girl while i was pregnant with our 3rd child... this girl got pregnant at the same time i was and she decided to have the baby... to make a long story short at the time i forgave him thinking that i can be ok with it.. i thought about my boys what would they do without their father in their life.... i stayed with him for 3 yrs until i decided that i couldnt take it anymore thinking that we can all be a happy family because the truth is i wasnt happy and how was i going to make my boys happy if mommy was always sad and fighting with daddy... i wasnt in love wit him anymore and i decided to leave him... its been almost a year that we have left each other and its been soo hard on me. ive lost 2 of my boys they are leaving with their father.i see them everyday and spend time with them and then they go back to him... im trying to move on but i always end up falling for a jerk. its been a year and im still lost. my advice to you is stay getting help take all the time you need to make up your mind on what you want to do.. it is not easy. 10 yrs with a person is a long time. i was with mine for 11. btw i love the other child like he's my own cause regardless of what he is my boys brother... till this day i see him and hug and kiss him... its not his fault he wasnt asked to be brought into this world so i never made him feel uncomfortable... if you decide to be with him you have to consider that baby will be around. just think like i did he is ur childrens blood. i dont know if i helped you or made any sense but please make your own decision about this. this is very hard... keep your head up...
sparklestar sparklestar 9 years
I saw a quote the other day on Skinny Jeans.. "Every woman has the love life that she WANTS." So if you want a cheating scumbag for a husband then stay with him. I'd cut my losses, get out and then sue him for every penny in the divorce settlement.
jennifer76 jennifer76 9 years
My heart goes out to you. :hug: What a horrible situation for you to be dealing with. I don't really have any advice for you. But, I'm glad you're in counseling, and I hope that when you ultimately make your decision it's with your children's and your best interests in mind. And, if you do decide to staym you are going to have to try to make room in your heart for this child. They already have issues to deal with in life that are no fault of their own. I wouldn't wish this kind of parentage on anybody. Don't try to take anything else away from them.
sugarsister sugarsister 9 years
Please realize that if you do accept him as your husband and the new child as one of the family, in return for your supreme understanding you will forever be exacting a kind of punishment from him to pay for putting you through this. Unless you are a saint, whether you actually verbalize your feelings or not it will always be implied that he has asked you to deal with something almost insurmountable and your resentment will be like an enormous elephant in the room. In return, he will forever feel that resentment and feel that he has to constantly be apologetic for his misguided and totally unfortunate mistake. Doesn't sound like a recipe for marital contentment and that makes me feel so deeply for both of you in this awful situation. You will learn how crushing it is to have the one you love violate your trust and he will learn how one reckless decision can negatively affect several lives forever. I'm so sorry for you and your family and pray for your strength that you might make the best decisions possible and come through even stronger on the other side. Just please remember, you will get through this.
jackiemt jackiemt 9 years
I have a feeling that this isn't the first time he's cheated. I think the only reason he initially confessed is because he knew he had unprotected sex/the condom broke and there was a possibility of her being pregnant. He probably thought that you wouldn't get AS mad if first he told you about the affair, you were mad, but thought you could get over it, then he drops the "pregnant" bomb. I agree with everyone else. You have to do what's right for you and your children. Kick him out and file for divorce.
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