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You Asked: My Husband's Co-worker Is Crossing the Line

You Asked: My Husband's Co-worker Is Crossing the Line

Dear Sugar,

My husband just began his first corporate job as a computer analyst. Since the day he started I've been hearing about another computer analyst that works there. Apparently she's fit, pretty cute, very nice, and quite successful. From what I understand, a lot of guys are after her. I got all of this information from him before I met her, and he even mentioned that he thought she might be interested in him.

He soon stopped talking about her so much when it became clear that I was feeling insecure. This girl is young, single, attractive, and successful, whereas I'm still in school and my husband has to support me financially while I'm finishing up my last semesters. He's mentioned the possibility of his company sending the two of them off on business together, and just yesterday, he told me about a conversation they had about a gynecological problem that she's having! When I questioned him about why she talked to him about such a personal issue, he acted as if I was being overly intrusive.

I feel that this woman is crossing the line. I'm not sure if she's really interested or if she's just looking for a friend, but I know that what she's doing is making me feel insecure and angry. Am I just being paranoid? What should I do?

— Concerned Claire

To see DearSugar's answer,


Dear Concerned Claire,

Whether or not you're just being paranoid — though I must say, I can't imagine any woman wanting to share a private gynecological issue with a man at work — something about your husband's relationship with this other woman is making you feel uncomfortable. While it would be easy to simply assume that this woman is crossing the line, something your husband is doing is giving her permission to do so.

Without being emotional or demanding, explain to your husband that his relationship with his co-worker is making you increasingly unsettled. Tell him that you want him to be friends with the people he works with, but you also need him to understand the situation from your perspective — try giving him an example of what the reverse would look like if you were to suddenly befriend a classmate. Depending on his reaction to this conversation, I think you'll know whether or not you can let things go or if this is a bigger issue.


Join The Conversation
Janine22 Janine22 9 years
I don't think that what she is doing is making you insecure/angry, I think that what your HUSBAND is doing is making you feel this way. I don't get why woman always blame the woman for these situations! You are not married to her, you are married to him, therefore HE is the one that needs to show you some respect. Please remember that any and all info you are getting about this girl is from your husbands perspective. -Something is not adding up here: she is fit pretty, nice, successful etc.. and many guys are after her. Yet she is interested in the only married man in the office? I seriously doubt it. I think that your husband is intentionally trying to make you jealous because it boosts his ego to see you that way. Not respectful to you and not healthy. Why is he telling you all this shit, and then saying that they might go on a business trip together? He is being manipulative, enjoying the ego boost from seeing you jealous and this is your real problem. He sounds really insecure! I agree with bransugar on this. NOT cool.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 9 years
OP, I know it's disconcerting, but consider this...I don't tell my crush/guys I'm attracted to, my gyno problems... Yea, the only people I'm telling are usually 1) really close FEMALE friends 2) men who aren't interested in women (got it?) So there's a big possibility that she just sees your hubby as someone 'safe.' He's married to you, and unlike the other boys in the office, he's not after her, so she thinks it's 'cool' to have a type of 'big brother' around. Although I've not been in your position, but I've been in the position of the 'female' co-worker who happened to have a 'close' attached male friends at work. And usually I was more 'open' to those who were attached because I saw them as 'safe' male figures that I don't have to worry about behaving myself to the point they might think I led them on or anything like that... But I totally understand the concern and I think that you shouldn't worry too much, and watch how your husband behaves. Good luck.
ilikeatea ilikeatea 9 years
LMAO Lele...
Lele777 Lele777 9 years
Come home and tell him about a very hot co-workers penis problem. The problem scenario: He was told that it is very large and causes uncontrollable orgasms in married attractive women and he can't stop thinking about hot married women like yourself throughout the workday causing some "discomfort" to his manhood. That should shut him up!
bransugar79 bransugar79 9 years
I'm sorry but I'm so sick of the whole you're just insecure and you need to get over it point of view. While I can agree that the whole thing may be very innocent especially on the part of the woman at the office, clearly this guy is disregarding his wife's feelings which is WRONG. I think she has every right to be concerned, after all it is her HUSBAND not just some random guy. I don't think there is anything wrong with making friends at work or being close although the whole gyno issue thing is gross, I wouldn't talk to the women I work with about that kind of thing let alone a guy I had only been working with for a short time. The fact that this guy seems to be basking in the glow of this other woman's attention is what bothers me. He needs to be told how it is making his wife feel and, really, he should care. I don't think he has to stop being friends with the woman but he should be more considerate of her feelings and maybe start thinking about his own motives for talking about it so much. Maybe he is interested in the woman he works with or maybe he just gets a giant ego boost by making his wife jealous. And really how much more insecure can you be than to hurt someone you love just to reassure yourself that you still have "it"
lovelie lovelie 9 years
I thinking GlowingMoon hit the nail on the head. Confidence will be your saving grace, and not caring about the situation will appeal to your husband. It sounds like he may have been trying to get a rise out of you, as it has been my experience that a cheating man will downplay the situation and certainly not boast about the other female. So carry on as you normally would, and the situation will diffuse itself.
Frank-y-Ava Frank-y-Ava 9 years
I say you smack a ho.......... no don't do that, all i could is just talk to him and make him listen if it continues from there....
kayla74 kayla74 9 years
You said this is your husband's first corporate job so maybe he doesn't know how people should or shouldn't act in the workplace. Her having those conversations with him (a married man, or just a man in general) is inappropriate, but maybe he is too nice or doesn't know any better. Let him know you're not comfortable with it and that he should tell her he's happily married and doesn't think he should have those conversations with you. I think a lot of people cross the line (whether intentionally or unintentionally)with what is acceptable and what is unprofessional at work.
ann418 ann418 9 years
"Ironically, it seemed that the female co-worker was more interested IN ME." I agree with everything you've said, GlowingMoon! Usually when I'm in this sort of situation, I try to meet the girl I'm jealous of. I gauge the her reactions and if she is more interested in me then I know nothing is going on. My boyfriend used to work with a lot of young, attractive women (and women that would come into his store and hit on him like CRAZY - he worked at Starbucks) and when I had any doubts I would see if they wanted to go out for a few beers. And now I'm practically best friends with one of them. Now he works in an all-male office, so I have nothing to worry about. But if you're not comfortable with this, take GlowingMoon's advice. The worst thing you can do is nag, because who do you think he's going to complain about you to? Good luck, I really hope this works out for you.
ummyeaitsmarcie ummyeaitsmarcie 9 years
Yeah, I've got to say that talking about my vagina issues would be more of a way to say "see, you should really leave me alone" rather than an "I want to ravish you in the copy room on our lunch break". I mean, ewww... Also, she's probably just comfy talking with him cause she knows he is committed, things that might make another man think she was interested in him. She's probably just happy to have someone to talk to that isn't trying to ask her out. I personally am much more relaxed talking to guys, but the single ones usually think I'm hitting on them rather than trying to be friends. Also, your guy might be trying to make you a bit jealous. I can't really see another reason why he would describe a coworker/friend as a cute, fit, and wanted female to you. If he wanted to cheat he probably wouldn't be describing it to you unless he is a complete dunce. My advice, remind him that you know he's a "babe-magnet", and he doesn't need to talk about other girls that find him attractive for you to see it. Be confident, remember he married you, so you've already topped out that other girl and all the other girls that he's met.
bbkf bbkf 9 years
It doesn't bother me when other women are attracted to or flirt with my husband (he's a catch!). I know that I can't control their behavior, so I just have to be confident that my husband loves me and wouldn't sacrifice our marriage for anyone else. I suggest getting a super sexy dress for the office xmas party and fawn all over your guy infront of his coworker ;-)
TidalWave TidalWave 9 years
I don't know. Does a guy really want to think about a girl's vagina in the doctor's office? I'm not sure how sexualized that is (i know i know, these are guys we're talking about here, they can sexualize anything). I mean, if they were flat-out discussing sex, then that is a problem. But talking about her vag diseases, while odd, doesn't seem like a very flirty thing to do...
quitecontrary quitecontrary 9 years
Oh, GlowingMoon, I wish I could be more like you! I like to think that I would have that kind of confidence, but I'm sure I'd end up on the more insecure end. It's a tough situation, but it should be less tough knowing that you are married. Really. If you trusted him enough to marry him, you should trust him enough not to cheat on you with a woman that he's already spoken to you about. He would be REALLY dumb to tell you about her and then go and have an affair with her. I have also been "that woman" in a work environment and it's also very unlikely (if she's sooo fantastic and had all sorts of men after her) that she would bother with a man who's already married. I dunno, it's one of those situations that you can never know how you'll react until you're in it. I can give you all sorts of advice, but if it were happening to me, I'd probably be a mess, too!
WhatTheFrockBlog WhatTheFrockBlog 9 years
Okay, the gynecological problem thing: that's TMI, for sure, but it's definitely NOT sexy. If I was putting the moves on a guy, the LAST thing I'd say is "So, there's something wrong with my vagina..." Like some of the posters above me, I've been the only female in a male-dominated workplace, and it's true - you make "girlfriends" to get through the day. I'd suggest trying to get over this. It really sounds like she just wants a friend.
runnergeek runnergeek 9 years
im the only girl surrounded by a team of 10 men. and pop hit the nail on the head when she said 'you end up making girlfriends out of your male coworkers'. im sorry that you are threatened but frankly there's no reason to be. i hang out with my male coworkers and probably share some things with them because, just as pop said, i consider them my girlfriends. their wives should not be threatened because there's no reason to be. i am in a committed relationship and i am not interested in my coworkers, other than to be friends with them and have friendly i would suggest you try to get past the number of women continue to grow in the corporate world, this is going to become more and more common.
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 9 years
"Honestly, you're threatened and you're insecure. And it sounds like you are a little jealous to boot. It's understandable. But it's not at all attractive. Don't sit him down and whine to him about how he needs to behave. You think that will make him want to run home to you instead of stay late at the office with someone less controlling?" I completely agree with Popgoestheworld. This was my take exactly. OP, I've been in your situation. My husband had a new female co-worker who seemed attracted to him. The kicker was that my husband seemed attracted to her, too. Fortunately, I was secure with myself. I figure if my husband left me for her, I would be fine with that. I would be deeply saddened, but I knew I was capable of leading a happy life with or without my husband, so bottom line, I was not worried about my marriage. Also, I decided to trust my husband, and I put my faith in him. After all, he made certain vows to me, and I was going to accept his word. I never nagged my husband. I never whined to him. I did nothing. Ironically, it seemed that the female co-worker was more interested IN ME. I guess she was wondering what the Mrs. was like. Long story short, she really wanted to meet me (personally, I couldn't care less about her). Per her initiation, we met very casually, introductions made by my husband. I was my normal, social self. Let's just say after she met the Mrs., she lost all hope of getting together with my husband. She could tell he had something special at home, if I do say so myself. Even my husband noticed that she was less warm to him after our introduction. Ever since then, the chemistry between them diminished, and I recieved no inappropriate vibe about them. The irony is that I didn't do damn thing. All I did was meet her, obliging my husband's request, as she kept asking him to meet me. Like I said, I was never paranoid or upset with my husband. I was secure with myself, and I let my husband handle it.
Silverlining10 Silverlining10 9 years
Any girl that tells a guy she met recently about a gynecological problem just wants his thoughts on her privates. She's weird for bringing that up, especially in a professional environment, and if a man realizes a woman might be coming onto him...Then, she's being a little to obvious. Men are extremely oblivious to come-ons, so if he notices, he's either super sensitive (I've personally never met one with come-on radar); is hoping she IS coming onto him; or she's made it so obvious, the office already knows she has the hots for him. You might take Dear's advice...Either he wants the girl, or she's coming on strong because she wants him. If he didn't care about this woman, he wouldn't even bother talking her up like that. Why mention how attractive and athletic she is? Unnecessary details!
ginagee-2000 ginagee-2000 9 years
I am sorry you feel that way. I understand, totally! My ex husband did the same and after we split he confessed he had went out with her a few times but nothing had happend until I said it was over. As a wife, no way is it ok to have your husband go on about a co-worker and how she looks and acts and behaves is ok. The fact is, she is his co-worker. Not his friend or buddy! You are gonna tell me that she felt he was the one to discuss something like that with? PLA...LEEZ! That is what he friends are for! That is tacky and discusting actually! Think about it. I gatherd that when a man gives way to many weird details about something that would never fly...he says things right a way to justify! I don't want you to be upset just alert and just speak up and if he trips then he does not respect you and your marriage. No man should ever make you feel like that or get defensive. He should understand, think about it and agree to avoid a to close for comfort contact with this co-worker. As far as the trip goes, I would make it clear that you understand IF he HAS to go for work that you have made yourself loud and clear on this situation. I really don't know what else to say other than...if it feels wrong, chances is it.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 9 years
For all intents and purposes, I have been this girl that you are so afraid of. And let me tell you, it's no picnic being one of the only girls in a male dominated environment. You end up making "girl friends" with some of the guys to get you through the day. You spend your whole work day with these people. You get to know them really well, better than you want to at times. That's just how it is. Honestly, you're threatened and you're insecure. And it sounds like you are a little jealous to boot. It's understandable. But it's not at all attractive. Don't sit him down and whine to him about how he needs to behave. You think that will make him want to run home to you instead of stay late at the office with someone less controlling? I saw this happen far too many times from my vantage point. Better to focus on having a good, hot relationship with your man. And if your husband cheats? Better to find out now while you're still young.
ajennilynrushhh ajennilynrushhh 9 years
I've been through this situation before. I felt insecure and paranoid also. But it's weird how your husband's co-worker told him something very personal. But yeah, watch out because you can get hurt in this situation. Ask him how he feels about her. And yeah you should reverse the senario. I did that with my boyfriend and that's how he understood how I felt.
Pumpkin08 Pumpkin08 9 years
My current boyfriend was close friends with a coworker of his, one of his best friends described her as a hotty, and kept asking him to hook them up. I knew that they had lunch together often, and he talked to her about me, and she talked to him about problems with her boyfriend. I was jeolous at first, and expressed that I didn't think he should be close with any other female friends but me. I confessed to him that I've never been close friends with a man that I did not imagine at least for a split second having sex, or being with them. I then told him that all my friends confessed it to be true. He agreed, it was true and understood my point of view but explained to me that it be would weird to stop being friends with her because of that, and although he understood my point of view he needed me to just trust him. Getting him to say he understood my feelings, and acknowledging my concerns helped me get over it. I also started to notice how unattractive it is to be the jeolous possesive girlfriend. That itself can push someone away, who normally would not have left if you didn't show your insecurities. Confidence is alot sexier than appearing weak, and scared. Being more confident also helped me feel that after that converstation, if he did cheat on me, and felt he was lacking something in our relationship then he would have left sooner or later anyway, and better sooner than waste years of my life.
littleblonde littleblonde 9 years
this would just make me angry too. it's good your husband is being honest with you and telling you about the situation. he probably likes the attention from her, maybe ignoring the fact that it's unacceptable attention. she needs to back off but it's going to have to be your husband backing away from the situation.
AyrtonSenna AyrtonSenna 9 years
If I may slide my two cents in here from a male perspective, I have to say that I agree with all of what the ladies are saying. Reading the question you just cannot avoid thinking what kind of a husband tells his wife: "Oh, honey, there's a fit, cute, nice, successful woman working next to me. And, oh, by the way, I think she likes me. And, ah, we're going on a business trip together. And, ah, I'm helping her sort out some women's health issues." Where does stupidity like this come from? I learned this in "What not to say to your girlfriend, 101" in junior high school. As others have noted, what if all of that was reversed and he was on the receiving end of it? Of course, he would go nuts - I probably would. Clearly, HE is the problem. I think you should just spell it all out to him and make him realize his behaviour was very callous towards you. If he does not realize that he is extremely obtuse (or, unfortunately, there may be a larger problem in your relationship lurking in the background). A good husband or boyfriend (or, for that matter, wife or girlfriend) should work to avoid and diffuse these situations, not actively enourage them.
almost-famous almost-famous 9 years
I agree with what the other girls are saying, however, try to hang out with the female co-worker and see how he and she feels. If he gets upset behind you wanted to chat about female issues with her, then yep he's the person whom is starting all of this. If she seems upset behind this, then she was the one whom was looking for a fling at work. Either way, you're going to be hurt for sometime. So just relax and keep up your confidence. I'm sure you have nothing to worry about. If hubby is wandering, then you I'm kidding! But seriously... :/
Berlin Berlin 9 years
From what you posted, it sounds more like your husband is more insecure about it all! If guys are after her, it doesn't mean that she's after them in the office (probably why she's single!). Most successful women are smart enough not to meddle with relationships in the office, especially if she's high up, b/c it's harder for her to work for her job and get respect. Think about it...when was the last time you told your crush about your gyno problem?? Sounds like she may understand how much he loves you and just has that "bond" with him that makes it comfortable to talk to him b/c she knows there's nothing to worry about him with advancements and harassment. More like a really good friend! Be confident in your marriage until he gives you reason to think otherwise on HIS part, don't worry about what may or not be with another woman, b/c then you'll just drive him right to the 'other woman' with jealousy and insecurity. Let him know you trust him and have no problem with her, it'll drive him nuts:)
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