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You Asked: My Life Has Fallen Apart, Now What?

Dear Sugar,

I really feel like I am at the end of my rope. A year ago, I met the man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. We didn't become official until this February, but since then his ex has been trying to contact him nonstop even though he's told her to leave him alone. I graduated from school this year and got a job. I lost that job this week. We live together so I imagine my not having a job has him under some stress.

Since then, I noticed he has resumed contact with her and in turn, has started acting mean towards me. He has called me fat and has referred to me as a loser. Now he has refused to have any physical contact with me, and has basically vanished out of the apartment without a trace. He claims he needs space, but won't say until when. He doesn't even seem sorry for the way he's treated me.

I don't know what to do and I am starting to feel very hopeless. I have no immediate job prospects, I have no money, and the guy I thought loved me now apparently wants nothing to do with me. I can't even call him because he will just tell me to leave him alone. I don't know what to do and I really am feeling severely depressed, to the point of immobility. I don't understand how things can change so quickly.

— Down and Out Deanna

To see DearSugar's answer,


Dear Down and Out Deanna,

The loss of a job and the disintegration of a relationship are difficult enough on their own, let alone together. I don't blame you for feeling lost and hopeless, but losses are a big part of life. Learning how to effectively cope with loss can mean the difference between being sad, and suffering through months of depression. As terrible as it is to be abandoned by the person you love in your time of need, learning how your significant other acts in a crisis is an amazing indicator of his personality.

What your boyfriend's behavior tells me is that he's not reliable for emotional support when he's stressed out. Instead of helping you work through this, he's using cruel language to berate you. You may not want to hear this now, but trust me, the end of this relationship is a blessing in disguise. Now you know who your boyfriend really is. It's painful, I know, but you'll have an easier time making it through this without someone you love calling you a loser.

First things first, reach out to your family and friends for support. Get them to help you update your résumé and see if their own companies are hiring. If you're really strapped for cash, reach out to your parents or a sibling for a loan; put it in writing if need be and mutually decide on a reasonable interest rate if necessary. And, of course, let them be there for you emotionally, too. No matter what, remember that you will get through this and will only be stronger for it in the end. There is happiness even in the darkest times, so don't stop looking for it.


Join The Conversation
sldc sldc 8 years
This is a new beginning for you, so you need to recognize this and swim with, not against, the tide. You will look back and be glad you did.
FashionLuvr FashionLuvr 8 years
This guy is a huge jerk, and you do not need that negativity in your life. My advice is to go to a therapist right away, because your immobile depression is serious and it is a real health problem. Then you should go to a temp agency to get a job - any job - so that you can start to rebuild your self-esteem and get your mind off of all this. You can do it!
tomatoshirt tomatoshirt 8 years
can you move back with your parents or someone you can trust? just for a while, get yourself together. then you will see things more clearly...
talanted08 talanted08 8 years
My sympathy goes out to all women that are facing this type of down fall! My situation was kinda like this but kept my man! His ex was about to make me beat her a** b/c she tried everything in her will power to get him back with her. It went from calling his cell phone to his grandparents to his friend's and I was not taking it any longer! I wanted to call it off with this man b/c of her constant nagging! It's hard to love someone so much and they treat you like your nothing b/c you can't offer them something! Most reason's that women get from men are mostly about them and there needs! Maybe he felt she was offering something far more than you just b/c of your job! It really doesn't matter at this point b/c he's gone but I would just start hanging with friends and family to bring me encouragement! Keep your head up and don't let a man ruin your dream's!
MissJules5x MissJules5x 8 years
this guy is a manipulative asshole. the first thing you need to do is get in touch with the people that love you and support you no matter what and GET OUT of the apartment you share with him. cease contact with him. he is no good for you. instead of being there and supporting you during tough times he's turned to ridiculing and making you feel bad about yourself which makes it even harder to gain the confidence to get out there and better yourself. whats worse is that you are letting him. let him go be with that ex and you go on and live your life. the only thing thats holding you back is him and the way he is treating you.
kiwitwist kiwitwist 8 years
I completely agree with Dear. Need to reach out to friends and family for love and support. They can help you get back on your feet.
lovelie lovelie 8 years
Wow let me just say, how sorry I am that you are going through this hell on earth. The good news is, this is as close to rock bottom you will there is only one way to go. I experienced something of a similar nature two years ago, when the guy that I had been dating for over four years (whom I also relocated college for) cheated on me, and got the girl pregnant. Let me tell you, that first month was hell...I honestly didn't think I would ever be happy health suffered tremendously, I lost about 15 lb. and let me just say, I wasn't looking my best. Finally after about 3 months of drinking binges and many other self-destructive behaviors, my parents forced an intervention on me. I moved back with them to get on my feet, and started going to therapy. Started a journal, started running again everyday, and slowly I put the pieces back together. Now I am not necessarily proud of how I chose to heal, but I think the first thing you really need to do is admit you need support,something I clearly couldn't do, and paid for later on. Your parents, your friends, a counselor, anyone that can give you some objective insight. Unfortunately there is not immediate fix to numb the pain, but time is your best friend. Don't rush it, remember that someday, maybe soon, you will be happy again, and you will look back on this time in your life, and be proud of yourself, for getting through it like a champ, and more importantly, you will know that you are strong enough to face any challenge. I wish you the best...and hang in there.
356UIK 356UIK 8 years
What a dick! Girl, I hope you believe in Karma, because it sounds like its coming for him. It may be slow and painful, but I think its coming!
missyd missyd 8 years
He did you a favour. Now you will be forced to go out there and get the life YOU DESERVE. A great job, independence, and real happiness to start. You deserve BETTER than his ass. Thank your lucky stars he left when he did; it was a gift in disguise. There are better things in your future and he was holding you down
iheartfooty iheartfooty 8 years
That rings slightly true of my relationship/whatever the hell I have just had. I have been mentally tortured for 2 months by a controlling twat who has a live in partner and he still thinks he can control me, to my face he has NEVER told me about her and he wanted sex from me as he always used to appear out of the wood work when I was in my ovulation time. Strange man! So as he is a LECTURER (yeah!) I reported him for the sexual harassment by control freak, bloody hell he acted like a child, he blares his radio at me, revs the engine etc etc etc So Denna, DON'T put yourself down by a creep who in hindsight wasn't worth it anyways! there IS light at the end of the tunnel for us both, I'm trying to heal myself but until the case is dealt with, I aint gonna get a chance to move on. Get a job and count your losses and if it helps I am feeling badly fatigued so I am aout to take some siberian gingseng just to boost my system as I feel poop! If you feel upset, just will help in the healing as it stops them feelings all cooked up inside of you like a pressure cooker and if you want people to talk to, we are all here for you love and hugs xx
karlotta karlotta 8 years
Keep your head high! Everybody loses a job at some point or another, and if it makes for hard times, it does not make you a loser. That guy is a bad person. I know you love him and want to find a million excuses for him (including that maybe he's right about you being fat and a loser) but you need to stop that, put things back in perspective: he's a cruel jerk who doesn't care about you the way you deserve, and you are not at the end of your rope, just going through a rough patch. Those moments define you, they are the test of what you can do by yourself. And I am sure you can do a lot, you just need to stop stewing about the jerk who says trash that doesn't merit a second of your attention. There is light at the end of the tunnel, you just need to give a call to your self-esteem and ask it to come home right now. That will help you erase that douche from your life and start taking care of yourself without being affected by his opinion of you. His opinion means squat. He's really just WRONG and he doesn't deserve your love. Take it away from him right now! And start calling upon friends and family to help you get a new position (any job will do, you just need to feel useful at the moment) and to take you out for your favorite food/movie/... etc. The toughest and loneliest moments in my life were also those I look back upon feeling that they made me stronger and more independent. Take the bull by the horns, and if this idiot calls you, tell HIM to leave you alone.
watereatsrock watereatsrock 8 years
This is heartbreaking to hear, and I definitely understand what you are going through. I am so sorry that you have to go through this. Just so you know this is a rough time for a lot of people when it comes to finding jobs. It is very hard when your bf is talking to his ex. If he cant respect you I think it is time to leave. Also if you leave him he may come running back to you! He sees that you only have him and he is hanging this above your head! That is horrible. I understand you don't have a job, but do you have any family or friends you can turn too?? For jobs there are plenty of websites you can go to, and going in person helps lots also, for now I would suggest looking for an entry level position, and searching for your dream job while you earn some extra bucks. Have you tried going to your local college or library and looking at the bulletin boards about jobs, or checking the classifieds in the newspaper? You can also check the classifieds of your local newspaper online. Also don't be afraid to embellish a little on your resume! It will help. Just so you know I am in a similar situation as you. I live with my bf and I have been searching for jobs constantly, of course he has a job and is footing the bills and I hate that! To make myself feel better I do errands or take long walks, anything that does not include mooping, because the time will pass! It wont be like this forever!!!
designerel designerel 8 years
He's a coward and a jerk. I am so sorry you have to deal with this double-blow. I lost my job recently too and that alone is tough enough to deal with. You definitely need to get out of that toxic environment... is there any family or friends who can take you in? Just get yourself as far away as possible from this guy. Just remember that things WILL get better someday. Good luck. As for the job aspect, since I'm going through the job search myself... I've gotten the best results for job searches through, LinkedIn and CraigsList. Also go to your state's Department of Labor website and file a claim for unemployment benefits.
richandfamous10 richandfamous10 8 years
Regardless of how shocked you are with his behavior, do not think about that. First think about how to make sure you can keep your stuff and how to get out of that apartment and situation. If it is not already over, end things in a very final way. Even if it means breaking your end of the lease if you have to - you cannot afford to stay around him, but I understand if this is not possible since nyou are already in a financial bind. Next, can you move in with your parents or sibling until you get back on your feet? Apply everywhere, even jobs that could be a level below what you would normally apply for. The point is to start earning money. Use, Career Builder, Yahoo Jobs and be willing to move anywhere in the country. Remember - your priority is to earn money and get your life back on track. You need to make finding a job your priority and use that to forget him. Also thank your lucky stars that you are not engaged to that jerk. Good luck!
rossinaross rossinaross 8 years
awww to all of you :) im so happy yall are doing the best yall can going through all this i hope you can feel better soon girl! dear and the other girls gave you great advice. go for it and good luck! remember we're all here for ya! :)
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 8 years
Be glad you didn't procreate with this man. I hope you can get back on your feet soon. I also hope you're staying with family, but don't let him have your stuff.
LisaNP LisaNP 8 years
Hmmm... sounds pretty familiar. My ex bf (of 2 yrs) abandoned me 1 month ago... right before I started my brand new, 1st real job out of college. He also let me give my 30 day notice on my apt and apply for another apt that we were going to share together. Oh yeah, and he took the dog. He just wanted space, then the coward decided to change his relationship status to single on facebook without even breaking up with me! Not even 2 weeks later, there were new pics online of him with some blonde party girl. I still hurt everyday but there is nothing else to do but try and move on. Trust me, I know how hard that is when you had planned your future with the one who left you. Your main focus right now is to get a job, do well at the job, then work on your emotional issues and yourself. He's not sitting around thinking about you or how bad he hurt you... do you really want someone who could do that to you? He's unreliable and a flake. You deserve much better honey! (I think I may have just healed a little myself) ;)
Amandaletta Amandaletta 8 years
Wow...what a(pardon my French) douchebag. Definitely the best revenge is moving on and doing well WITHOUT him in your life. And when his sorry ass comes crawling back because he found out you're doing fine and beautiful without him, treat him like the dog he is and walk away with your head held high, as though he never existed. You're a strong woman and you certainly don't need a weak man pulling you down.
Mesayme Mesayme 8 years
Like everyone up there :) said, I agree, it's all good advice. For your heart though... My situation wasn't like yours exactly but I can definitely sympathize with the pain. I was pursued relentlessly and as soon as I opened my heart, he dated someone else. I healed. The same thing happened again. I found out the two were friends and planned it to 'teach me a lesson' about being a 'snob'. Taming the Shrew or Deliver us from 'my name' like Eva something like that... they made a game out of a woman's life who had just gotten separated from a controlling husband of ten years, raising 3 kids on a very low income in a town with minimal job prospects. I'm healing as we speak. This site is therapy. I watched Ellen. I danced. I treated myself to long walks, swinging on swings and ice cream cones. Borrowing books and old classic movies galore from the library, free internet. I treated myself with almost no money and healed while the divorce was finalized. My ex-husband is a friend and partner to raise my kids and the other guys I'm taking with a grain of salt. Planning to seek my best revenge by living well and looking as fine as hell! I suggest you do the same. I'm doing it with three kids. No drugs, no therapist, no family, flaky friends and hardly any money. Drawing from my spirit, my faith and my truth: I not how they treated me, they made a mistake and it's my job to correct them. You can do the same thing too. Now, go. Do it!
lobbyme lobbyme 8 years
Two months ago I returned home from taking the bar exam to find that my boyfriend, the man who I thought was going to marry me, had taken everything from our home. Even my cupcake pans! Not only did I lose my home, boyfriend/best friend, bar trip (he canceled the tickets) and belongings, he had the nerve to just tell me over the phone he had left. I still cry a lot, but I found a job that will get my by for a few months, and I try to smile and watch t.v. that makes me laugh. It is ok to feel empty inside when your life gets turned upside down, but somehow things will come together again, out of your own hard work. I wish you all of the luck in the world. Someone else will love you and respect you so much more than he does. Hang in there!
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 8 years
It's time for you to look after yourself. Firstly, get yourself employed, so you can economically support yourself. This is the number one priority. After that, move out and dump that terrible boyfriend. Thank your lucky stars you never married him.
bluestar bluestar 8 years
I know it sounds really hard to do, but try to think of all the positives in your life and focus on those and create more. I think you've found out that your boyfriend is really a jerk who is not capable to be there for you in a supportive way. Let it go and quit trying to call him. Is there somewhere else you can live? Being around someone that negative all the time is not helping your self-esteem, which is probably already suffering due to the difficulties of finding a job. Do things that will make yourself feel better, work out, talk with friends, visit family, etc. Maybe you can get a different job while you look for something better. I'm sure that would make you feel a million times better, as will kicking this asshat to the curb and only letting positive things that make you feel good into your life!
Eilonwy Eilonwy 8 years
i am so so sorry for the difficult time you are going through. You need to understand that THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. do NOT lose hope, nor the sight of a future in which you will: 1. have a job 2. become close with someone who treats you with the affection and respect you deserve. i know it is difficult to conjure enough inertia and motivation to reach out and be proactive; but, try to accomplish small steps which will help you slowly approach a more positive place. call a friend, family. do something that will make you feel good/treat yourself, even to something small. if you plan on accomplishing actions that are neither too demanding nor intimidating, you will feel less overwhelmed, while incrementally allowing yourself to escape the sense of helplessness and upset you currently feel. Remember that you did NOT cause this; and yet, you possess the power to get back on your feet. never feel like you are not worth the time and attention to pick yourself back up. never be afraid to ask for help from those who care. be kind to yourself and good luck.
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