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You Asked: My Live-In Boyfriend Flirts Online

DearSugar --

I recently discovered that my live-in boyfriend has been sending emails to several other women. I read the e-mails. The conversations are all very explicit and sexual, and he even tells these women about the two of us. I’ve confronted him, but he doesn’t get why I’m upset. He says he doesn't feel like it’s cheating or wrong since it’s not physical, and he hasn’t agreed to stop this online activity. This feels like cheating to me. Am I over-reacting? --Virtually Betrayed

To see DearSugar's answer

Dear V. Betrayed – If your boyfriend is still living with you, I’d go so far as to say you might be under-reacting. He doesn’t get why you’re upset? He says the emails don’t matter because he’s not having sex? But he is having sex in a way, isn’t he? The exchanges are a form of sexual involvement. You know it and I know it. And he knows it. Everyone has their own comfort level with these things, but you’re upset and feel betrayed, which means you know where you stand about this kind of interaction with other women. Don’t move that line, and don’t apologize for it. I don’t like that he’s sharing intimate details about the two of you, either. That’s what a journal and close personal friends are for, not random women online. If you’re living together, you’ve made some choices about exclusivity, respect, and privacy. You get to choose what’s acceptable and important between you and a partner, Miss Betrayed. I’m wagering there’s a guy out there who’ll think more of you and more like you.


Join The Conversation
hopelessromantic hopelessromantic 10 years
ok, yeah, a boyfriend who doesn't see you as the ONLY one and only while you're going out, isn't much of a boyfriend at all. so either get rid of him (cause you can definitely find better out there) or tell him what to do to get better or else you're leaving him.
yiddidea yiddidea 10 years
Get out now before you waste anymore emotional energy on this a**hole.
curleyjo84 curleyjo84 10 years
i agree with pinkgirl, not only is he cheating but he wont even take the time to realize why you are upset. if he doesnt care. i would say you should care and kick him out and find a better guy...
mandiesoh mandiesoh 10 years
hello girl? you are SO NOT over reacting. i say ditch him pronto if he doesnt come to his senses! it IS sex. virtual or no. and he dished about the 2 of you. its personal, and he's telling strangers abt it. thats the red light for me.
My-Opinion My-Opinion 10 years
I don't think you're over reacting at all. I'd kick his dumb a** to the curb! Anyone who thinks sexually flirting online is not cheating is ignorant to the whole 'faithful' meaning. If people (male or female) wanna be ho's then STOP getting live in girl/boy friends and DON'T get married. S e e it's that simple!
Marci Marci 10 years
I wouldn't like this at all, and he is absolutely having sex with those women, in my opinion. Then he uses the tactic that you're overreacting to make you second-guess your feelings. ALL feelings are valid, and in this case, totally understandable. I'm with DS that there's someone out there who would value and respect you more than this guy does.
lolo01 lolo01 10 years
get out now. it is cheating and his lack of consideration for your feelings shows how he values your relationship. move on or there will be much more heartache later.
honeysugar28 honeysugar28 10 years
Ok the golden rule. Do unto others as you'd like done to you. How would he like it if you were having sexual conversations online? Sometimes men don't realize it until it happens to them. Bring up that point if that's the type of relationship he wants then I guess you can flirt online and have cyber sex.
nicachica nicachica 10 years
this guy is bad news and has shown his true character. its always when times get tough that you see the real side of people and this is one of those times. if he can't respect your wishes now and clearly does not have a problem hurting you, then he will continue doing it. you deserve someone better.
Pinkgirl88 Pinkgirl88 10 years
If it bothers you and he doesn't get that then it is a big issue. I wouldn't tolerate it personally. And I agree with everyone here who brought up emotional cheating. TINA!
elynette elynette 10 years
I had a former fiance who was like this. But it was with people he had knew previously but never met up with them again (or so I thought until i figured out one of them was his co-worker and he'd been sleeping with her for a year) and I threw a sh*t fit and he never understood why, so dumb. Then there was his porn addiction that he justified by saying that it wasn't a real person....*rolls eyes* What Im trying to get at is that you should not feel that there is this obligation to stay with this guy just because you guys live together. Financially its hard now a days to be able to live on your own, but its doable. If he can't respect your relationship or your wishes for him to stop, then he's not respecting you and by staying with him you are not respecting yourself. Its time to cut your losses and find someone that will treat you with the respect you deserve. *----------------------------------------------------* \m/(-_O) RAWWWWWWWWWWWK!!
smith3 smith3 10 years
It may not be cheating (though it seems like a pretty fine line) but it is using women for sexual gratification, and viewing them as objects he can use for his pleasure, rather than as people who deserve his attention and respect. If it was me, I wouldn't want to be with someone who viewed women in that way.
Jinx Jinx 10 years
If it feels like cheating to you, then thats enough. If he doesn't even get it, then he's not going to stop. I wonder how he'd react to you flirting and talking sexual to on line guys. ------------------------------------------------------ I'm so happy cause today I've found my friends, They're in my head - Kurt
kendalheart kendalheart 10 years
Okay my comment didnt show up...but there is such a thing as emotional cheating which is what he is doing paying attention to other women and then telling them about the two of you..unless you are Okay with that, that is disgusting! He knows exacty why you are upset but is trying to make you feel like your the wrong one, dont believe that! Def DO NOT stand for this and put your foot down. THis is a huge sign of disrepect and offensive and the only way he will stop is if you demand this, if not he is clearly not worth it.
kendalheart kendalheart 10 years
getstinko getstinko 10 years
cheat first with the mind, then with the body and then with the heart. he's already cheating.
grl-in-the-world grl-in-the-world 10 years
What the hell? Why are you still with this guy? Ditch him ASAP! What he is doing is NOT NORMAL and you deeserve much better!!!!
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