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You Asked: Is My Live-In Boyfriend Telling the Truth or Is She?

DearSugar --

So, last night two random girls decided to tell me that my live-in boyfriend of 2 years has been cheating on me the entire time we've been together. They said some awful things, and knew a lot of details. When I talked to my boyfriend he also had explanations about everything and told me that the one girl is crazy and that she stalks him. I want so badly to believe him, but my stomach is in knots and I don't want to be that stupid girl who believes anything that comes out of her boyfriend's mouth. Help please. -- Frantic Annie

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Frantic Annie --

There aren't many of us who don't know that feeling you're describing, Annie: the knot in your stomach, the scratchy pain in your chest. I wish this weren't happening, and I wish I could tell you something definitive. But I can only tell you what I gather from your note, and it won't be as illuminating as your own better judgement or your instincts.

Still, it is very, very unlikely that 2 girls would seek to hurt you or your boyfriend like this, randomly and willfully. Mostly, that sort of thing happens on television. If they told you details that sync up with circumstances, the odds they're being malicious are even less likely. If your boyfriend never before mentioned a girl who's been 'stalking' him or behaving strangely, it's likely he's making that up to discredit her or to distract you from his own secrets.

I'm so sorry, Frantic Annie, but his response to the situation feels cliched and suspicious to me. Until you can better evaluate the situation or learn more about the accusations, I hope you'll do everything in your power to create a safe emotional space for yourself. I would suggest asking your boyfriend to move out immediately -- borrow money for next month's rent if you have to -- and tell him you'll be available for conversation (if that's what you need) about the last two years, and these 2 girls, on your own time line.

Call your friends and keep them near. Keep to a routine, Annie, and have faith in yourself and in your future. It is not stupid to love or to trust, but there are people who will take advantage of both. And wanting to believe someone is not a good reason to believe them, I'm afraid. We should believe a person because they have consistently demonstrated trustworthiness, sincerity, and integrity. This is a terrible storm in your life, I know; just hold on, hold on to the good and true things around you, and know that you will weather this. And please email me within the next two weeks, Frantic Annie, and let me know how you are.

Ladies, I think Annie would appreciate your help, too, or any other points of view you might have about her situation.


Join The Conversation
Learning2Love Learning2Love 10 years
I TOTALLY understand this persons pain. I had a very similar situation happen and OF COURSE the girls were just "crazy" or "stalkers"...unfortunately because he plays in a band I totally bought into it considering they DO get groupies and all... BUT, after some time passed I found out more and his "truths" turned out to be "lies" and he lies SO MUCH that he can't really REMEMBER what he has said to me in the past. BUT LEMME TELL YOU I SURE DO! But of course he tried to convince me that I was remembering things wrong and that now I AM CRAZY. Cheaters are abusers, cheaters are manipulative, cheaters are selfish and don't deserve a relationship until they learn how to be HONEST and REAL. Well that is at least how I feel....
lea88 lea88 10 years
i guess u really wouldn't know,unless u see happen to see him with someone else.
honeysugar28 honeysugar28 10 years
This is such a difficult situation. What proof do these girls have or how can you be sure their claims are valid. How about him has he been distant with you or spending a lot of time doing other things or making up excuses. Have you caught him lying to you before? You gotta weigh in al the evidence and in the end do what's right for you. I think some time apart so you can think about this will do you a world of good and you'll make the right decision if you trust your instinct. At the end of the day what matters is what you believe not the he said she said.
legallyblonde legallyblonde 10 years
I had something similar happen to me a few days ago. I found out that my bf of 4 months asked another girl out while we were dating. How did I find out? First facebook, then through his friends. The only way to get through to him was to leave messages online, which I did. He hasn't responded. At first I thought that his friends were just messing around, but I began to see signs that suggested he was cheating. It's extremely difficult at first -- you are coping with the loss of a significant other and everything that went with the relationship. Trust me, though, as difficult as it is right now to imagine life without him, do you really want to put yourself in a position to get hurt again? Spend some quality time w/ yourself and friends. You will eventually be able to look back at this relationship and feel relieved that you made the right decision. Good luck and take care.
LizaToad LizaToad 10 years
i'm kind of put off by the fact that he said one of the girls is stalking him, wouldn't you have known that before, esp since you guys live together?
lms lms 10 years
I doubt that these (most)girls would make something up like that for no reason. Guys will deny it to the end. They will also make it out like you are the one with the problem. If you believe him he will continue to do this throughout the relationship. I know a few girls that have guys that cheat and lie to them constantly and they put up with it. I also know another guy that said he would do whatever he had to do to his woman, and unless the other girl had a tape of him, he could lie his way out of it.
andaman andaman 10 years
by the way from now on you should be using condoms with him.
andaman andaman 10 years
I honestly think something smells fishy here. If I were you I would take my time and see how his behaviours are. You know if someone's cheating it will show eventually. I wouldn't spend enormous of time worrying about it though. I know it sounds easy but i think worrying doesn't help. Just see how things go. Time will tell eventually. Please please please don't follow him everywhere. Just take your own time and watch if he behaves strangely. Good luck.
bluefly43 bluefly43 10 years
Frantic Annie, I feel like I should play devil's advocate here. First of all, the girls that told you that stuff about your boyfriend are "random girls", as you describe them, not friends of yours. Girls, we can be catty and real bitches, yes? I'm not saying they made it up, and I'm saying they didn't. But everyone here, including Dear Abby Popsugar, is comforting you on how to leave your boyfriend. If you don't knwo whether the allegations are true or not, how can your celebrity blog buddies know any better? The fact is, you're in a horrible situation. And no one (except your man) knows the truth. You will probably never know the truth. All you can do is figure out how well you know him, wether you trust him, and wether you can live with the uncertainty, if any. If you have persistant uncertainty, though, then you probably don't trust him. And as profoundly disconcerting a thought as realizing that no matter how much love, you can never really know another person, you might have to move on. Or, you might completelly trust your man and decide that those girls were just being random mean girls. Either way, it's your call, it might take some time, lots of fights and talks with your man... but you'll figure it out. When you do, have faith in yourself and your desicion. Be happy.
Marci Marci 10 years
Wow, I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Sadly, I have to agree with everyone that it doesn't sound good. All indications are that what your two friends told you are true. They don't have any reason to make it up, from what you've said. Trust is key in a relationship. If you can't trust your boyfriend then it's time to move on, no matter how painful it will be to do that. It sounds to me like you've got girlfriends who really care about you. I'd listen to them and lean on them through what is bound to be a difficult time.
juliet juliet 10 years
It was so weird reading this - my best friend is the "other woman" in this situation right now. The guy is living with his girlfriend (and has been for over a year). My best friend and he work together at a restaurant, and he began cheating on his girlfriend about a month ago. It's totally messed up - he leaves work w/ my friend, sleeps with her at her house, then goes back to the apartment that he shares with girlfriend. I don't know how he (or my friend for that matter!) can sleep at night. Not saying this is what's going on with you, Annie, but it does happen. Either way, I am very sorry for the stress in your relationship - you deserve better, girl! Stay strong.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 10 years
Great advice re: getting tested, grl in the world. I have had two boyfriends cheat unprotected (grrr). I got a full bill of testing after, and thank god everything checked out fine. Annie, I have been there, and I know how much you can want to NOT believe something, knowing deep down it's true. I'm so sorry - it's a horrible feeling to be confused like this.
grl-in-the-world grl-in-the-world 10 years
I'm with these girls, you have to go with your gut here. If you're feeling like the two women knew a little too much information about your guy, then sadly they probably are telling you the truth. Unfortunately some guys are very good at acting like they are manogamous while carrying on indiscretions on the side. It's not your fault for trusting him, but now that you know something fishy is going on, you owe it to yourself to get out of the relationship. It might be scary, but please book an appointment at a sexual health clinic to get tested for STDs. Bring a friend with you and get tested to put your mind at ease, if your guy was cheating you NEED to make sure he didn't contract anything and pass it on to you. You deserve a guy who will respect and treasure you, so please, accept nothing less than that for yourself!
SU3 SU3 10 years
I'm sorry that you are going through this Frantic Annie and I know it's hard. I actually went through something very similar not too long ago AND a very close friend of mine had the same thing happen to her! She went to visit her boyfriend at work one day and a girl had gone up to her when she went to the bathroom - the girl did not know my friend was his girlfriend (she didn't even know he had a girlfriend in the first place!). She fessed up and told her that my friend's boyfriend had been taking her out (when my friend thought he was working). My friend confronted him and at first, he denied it and made up stories. She had a sick feeling about it the whole time - when finally, she confronted him again and he admitted it that it was all true. She made him move out the next day. That was the end of that. I don't understand why things happen like this - but I do believe that you need to trust your own instincts. If you have that knot feeling in your stomach and you don't think he's telling the truth, trust it! A relationship cannot work without trust. But you WILL get through this. I agree with DearSugar - stay close with your friends and have faith :)
lickety-split lickety-split 10 years
if you need to rely on strangers for information on your live in boyfriend; you've got big problems in the relationship department. you don't need to go any farther than that. doesn't even matter who is telling the truth because you already question his truthfullness. right there you have enough to end the relationship. doesn't matter if he is lying or not, there isn't trust and with out trust there is no hope of any level of intimacy.
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