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You Asked: Is This My Second Chance?

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend of two and a half years broke up with me almost three months ago. I was devastated and completely broken-hearted, but I realized that by breaking up with me, he actually saved my life. I had been slowly falling into a deep depression over the last four months of our relationship and denied every bit of it to myself. He saw through it and tried to help me, but I pushed him away. After he crushed my world, I was forced to face reality and deal with my demons.

Now it's three months later, and I already feel like a whole new person. But I've been thinking of him constantly. We hadn't spoken once since we broke up, until he texted me the other day to ask how I was doing. Obviously I was thrilled, and we ended up talking for an hour, at the end of which he asked me if I would want to meet up some time soon. I'm really excited, but I also don't want to read into this too much or screw things up if he does want to get back together. How should I approach him at dinner?

— Second Chance Sandra

To see DearSugar's answer,


Dear Second Chance Sandra,

It's wonderful to hear that you used the breakup with your boyfriend to examine and overcome some of the issues that you had been previously ignoring. It sounds that you're in a very positive place emotionally speaking, which is a good time to pursue a relationship. As for the approaching meetup, avoid thinking of it as a date, but more as a chance for you guys to reconnect on a friend level. This will help mentality reduce any pressure and allow you to get a sense of whether or not he's interested.

When broaching the idea of getting back together with someone, it's always important to remember why you broke up in the first place. Consider in detail the problems you faced in your relationship, as most of them don't just go away, even if you've had a few months apart. It's also important to be aware that if you don't address them, they're likely to start up again right where you both left them. In your case, consider the role your depression played in the relationship and the breakup: Was it the cause or the effect? Most importantly, take things with your ex one step at a time, and should you guys choose to get back together, don't be afraid to communicate all of your concerns with him. Good luck!


Join The Conversation
Liselola Liselola 9 years
This a recipe for disaster =/ I've also broken up three months ago with my bf of 2,5 years and first I was completely devastated and then I really wanted him back. It was just a disaster, I totally forgot about why we broke up, I tried to win him back by giving him hot sex, I couldn't stop thinking about him, I spent days in bed crying etc etc... Just one big MESS. So with a little preaching from my best friends, I tried to you know, pick myself up from the floor again and now I'm a completely different woman! I just feel good without him, I don't want him back anymore, I feel pleased with how life is. I just blocked him out of my life for a while and now I can breathe again. I'm no longer upset when I bump into him and I'm comfortable with him establishing a new life, just like I do. All that I'm saying is, do not lose yourself in this situation! When you're in his power again, you'll become a mess. Just enjoy that you're on top of things and be proud that you've worked things out with yourself. Being alone for a while isn't that bad.
gossipqueen gossipqueen 9 years
What??? SHE PUSHED HIM away...and now is his fault the relationship didn't work???? what??? There's nothing to figure out....she pushed him out. Now...if he was the reason you were unhappy to begin with...then stay away...I would say go to the dinner with caution...don't pressure yourself into thinking this is a second chance...go to the dinner as "friends"...he DID care about your mental health...he probably wants an update. Romanticizing what could have been is not the way to go. Take it slow.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 9 years
"How should I approach him at dinner?" With a 10-foot pole. Seriously, I can already see the work you've done at becoming a happier person eroding, as you sit and contemplate how to behave to get him back. Cancel the dinner, tell him you're sorry, and move on.
kendalheart kendalheart 9 years
Remember, it's easy to forget the hard times and focus on the good stuff when you are apart for that amount of time. And of course you will think of him, it hasn't been that long. Be careful, I wouldn't count on it and if he could let you go in your time of need who is to say it won't happen again?
Brooklynbee Brooklynbee 9 years
I don't know, do you really want to be with someone who left you when you were having problems?
yadiet yadiet 9 years
Be yourself, If he ask how you been be truthful. Don't make up lies just to make yourself feel better. Maybe, what you guys needed was this break up to make you a better person. Good luck
michelle-c42934 michelle-c42934 9 years
It's really great that you're getting over your depression. But have you worked out what caused it yet? It's really great that you're getting this second chance, take things really slowly, its probably not a date in his eyes, he probably just wants to see how you are. So let him see what changes you've made in your life and how you're changing as a person. And if things go well you can fall in love all over again. Good luck, I hope things work out okay for you!
snowysakurasky snowysakurasky 9 years
yes, it is your second chance. don't blow it by acting like you have any expectations. let him come to you and pursue the relationship. be polite and sweet and present yourself as good or better as you did when you guys first started dating. take this date seriously (but don't act intense) if you care a lot about this relationship. good luck but don't get back too fast if you're not sure that he is the one for you
rashell rashell 9 years
the second time around isn't always/usually want you want it to be. i know it hurts but you yourself admitted that being done with him was the best thing for you. i've been in this situation before and you can never fully fix what was wrong in the first place. however, if it's what you want, and you two have it in you to fix all the wrongs, then best of luck to you!
laura_j laura_j 9 years
Been there, done that sister. Dear is right; take this opportunity to *seriously* consider why you guys fell apart in the first place. Understand that if its because of something on his part, people generally are different for the first while after getting back together and then things fall back into the same old routine. Its up to you to decide if you truly believe things can be different with your new outlook on life. It worked for my bf and I, we broke up for 4 months and I moved practically to the north pole! But I'm back now, and we're great. I think you have a great chance, but dont rush. :) All the best of luck!!!! It can work if you want it to :)
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