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You Asked: My Time Is Running Out

Dear Sugar,

I've been dating my boyfriend for nearly two years, and living with him for the last year. He is wonderful and I truly couldn't ask for more. We talk about getting married and our future fairly often. I recently found out that I may have a hard time getting pregnant, and was told that the sooner I try, the better. My problem is that while we both know that marriage is in our future, I also know that he is not ready to settle down and have kids quite yet. We're both 26 and I typically would not be in any rush myself, but knowing that I may not have a chance to have a baby has made me very impatient, to the point where I am sometimes angry at him for not being ready.

He knows my situation and we've talked about having babies sooner than we had planned, maybe even before we're married, but part of me is afraid that if I miss out on my chance to have kids, I will blame him for it. I just don't know how to wait more patiently, and not take my frustration out on him. — Impatient Izzy

To see DearSugar's answer,


I'm sorry to hear about the possibility of you having a hard time conceiving, but keep your spirits high as it sounds like there's still a big question mark around it. I'm happy to hear that you're keeping the lines of communication open with your boyfriend, but Izzy, no matter how impatient you become, I think it's really important to remember that having a baby with a man who isn't ready for such a commitment could blow up in your face. Since you know that marriage and starting a family is in your future, I'd try to be as patient as you can and stick it out a little longer. Although having a baby is something you've always dreamed of, isn't it just as important to have a baby with the man you love?

Since your yearning to become a mother is getting stronger, I suggest talking to a therapist about your anxiety. Harboring feelings of resentment for your boyfriend because he's being honest with you about not being ready isn't fair for either one of you. At the end of the day, if having a baby matters more than starting a family together, there are ways to make that happen alone, but it doesn't sound like that's what you're looking to do. Though I understand how frustrating it is to be on a different timeline than your significant other, laying on the pressure won't make him ready any faster. Think positively and hopefully he'll be ready for the next step sooner than later. Good luck!


Join The Conversation
Janine22 Janine22 8 years
Re: cjmara805: I read in Cosmo that freezing your eggs costs like 10,000 dollars or something and there is a 1 to 2% chance that a live birth will result from frozen eggs. Doesn't sound worth it to me! To OP I commented to this in the group therapy section already, I guess they didn't transfer the answers.
acyl acyl 8 years
There are SO many other things in life than babies. Maybe you need a hobby, and if you think a baby will make your relationship better, think again. Many young couples have a hard time before it gets easier where babies are concerned. Get yourself checked out first to see if it's so urgent.
ibron ibron 8 years
You must ask yourself the real reason you want to have a baby with this boyfriend: if you weren't told about your fertility problems, would you have wanted a baby at this time with this man? If the answer is no to any of the points in that question, then you really need to slow down before you do something you may regret later on in life.
geebers geebers 8 years
I have the same situation in my family- women menopause in their 30s and I am 28. So I can understand where you are coming from. Think about what it is you really want- having a family or giving birth to a child from your body? Because if it is option 2 then you may need to head to a sperm bank and raise the baby by yourself. Is that the environment you want to raise your child in? If you really want to raise your child with your current BF then you can always adopt when that day comes and who is to say you won't get pregnant in the future? Your fertility rate is not set in stone. Having your own baby is understandable but in the end it is not the be all and end all.
Deidre Deidre 8 years
This may sound a little silly, but if you are really concerned about your fertility but you're not quite ready for a child...start a brand new savings account. As many of the other posters have said, there is are plenty of options to treat infertility as well as adopting. Start setting aside some money that's just for the purpose of covering medical treatments or adoption payments later on in life. That way, when you and your boyfriend are fully ready to become parents, you'll have the means to cover your options. But in the meantime, if you really love this guy and want him to be the father of your children, lay off him a bit. Get second opinions from doctors; they may have news that can put off some of your anxiety for ahwile.
rossinaross rossinaross 8 years
don't go crazy on the subject. i am really sorry youre having problems with that.. i am also gonna have problems with fertility my gyno said, but like someone up there said.. keep it with big question marks about it. and think whats more important to you.. a baby right now..or your boyfriend.. and! there's always adoption if you cant freeze your eggs or something like that. good luck girl.. i hope everything works for you and you make the best decision
princess_eab princess_eab 8 years
Oh, I'm so sorry - I didn't see your bit about your fertility. If I were you, I'd go to a fertility specialist and see what the issue is. Most infertility is caused by men's issues with sperm - most women's is physical and can be treated. It's not dire - I'm betting that you'll be able to have a simple treatment and everything will be fine.
princess_eab princess_eab 8 years
Uh... hon? You have about 10 years. Look - I'm 29 and I just broke up with my boyfriend of three years (I lived with him for two years, nagged him about a ring before we even moved in together) and yes, I'm furious at him for stringing me along. BUT I'm also delighted that I won't foolishly bring a child into that relationship. I think you need to slow down and breathe. Work on the day to day quality of your relationship and make your life as secure, happy, and child-ready as possible. THEN you can think about this.
Dr-No Dr-No 8 years
I've always kind of been in a rush to have kids since I found out my clock is ticking a lot faster than most people! I always thought that having a biological child was so important to me. But lately I have come to the realization that I would prefer adopting children who don't have a family who loves them. My boyfriend hasn't come around to this idea yet! (I think it's because he is an only son!) All that time I was so panicked, I told my boyfriend pretty early in our relationship that I was on a "tight schedule." How horrified he must have been! Now it doesn't matter to me. I don't think it's super-important to give birth to my children. If you think about it, you might change your mind, too!
ilanac13 ilanac13 8 years
my fiance and i have talked about this a lot too - and i think that part of it was because i found out a similar thing as well. i think that it's a hard conversation to have since you know that you want to be together for the long haul, but sometimes adding a child to the mix when you're not married could put undo stress on your relationship. i think that you need to decide if YOU want a baby and if you would be prepared to be a single mother (worst case scenario) and then if you still think that it would be ok - then i would say go for it. my fiance and i have always talked about how it would be ok for us to have a baby before we were married if that's how it happened, but that decision might not be right for everyone.
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 8 years
"My problem is that while we both know that marriage is in our future, I also know that he is not ready to settle down and have kids quite yet." You have to decide for yourself which is more important. Him or having a baby? If I were you, I would lay-off of pressuring him. At this rate, you could end up running him off. You would end up without him, and your future of starting a family would be further delayed, as you would be single. Have you had a second opinion about your condition?? My Mom was told she would have a difficult time conceiving, too. She informed my Dad, and he married her any way, knowing there was a chance his wish of having children may not be realized. My Mom was so convinced it was difficult for her to get pregnant that she didn't bother with birth control. The result? Me. I was born practically nine months from the day of their wedding (and yes, they were old-fashioned, and waited until they got married). My sister came along with just as little effort. My Mom was much more fertile than her prognosis. I just wanted to share that with you.
lawchick lawchick 8 years
The first thing I would do is go to a fertility specialist and find out more information. It sounds like you have been given some vague information and that is adding to your stress level. I agree with the other posters that if you KNOW you aren't ready for a child, it would be irresponsible to have one right now just because your fertility may decrease in a few years. Good luck.
TidalWave TidalWave 8 years
Two years?! I don't think either of you are ready to commit to a child.
talanted08 talanted08 8 years
I've never been through anything like this but I know that you can go through changes when it comes to children! I would consider talking more about the situation but if he acts like this is something that may cause problems for him then I would consider other options. Men don't really get into the discussion about children b/c they feel that's more of a women thing! Just take the best option thats right for you b/c in the end it's YOU that can only take care of YOU! Good luck and remember a child is a miracle from God not a punishment!
cjmara805 cjmara805 8 years
I know this is costly, but did you consider freezing your eggs? If that's the problem at least. Also when you're older, you can try in vitro fertilization or other means of getting pregnant. There's a lot of technology out there that allows women with a hard time conceiving to have a child. Good luck!
hithatsmybike hithatsmybike 8 years
there's always the sperm bank?
Lele777 Lele777 8 years
Well put CaterpillarGirl!
CaterpillarGirl CaterpillarGirl 8 years
you shouldnt, IMO, have a baby because you might not be able to later, thats a human life not a ticking clock, if you arent ready you arent ready and that is the chance you take.
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