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You Asked: Our Life Is Already Routine and Boring

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend of two and a half years and I just moved in together. As time goes by, he spends less and less time with me, and he constantly turns to his friends for his outings, parties, and events over me. Part of the reason why I fell in love with him is because he's so fun and creative — we had so much in common in terms of passions and hobbies, but the more committed we get, the less of these we seem to share.

I understand that it's not that much fun to sign a lease, buy furniture, and set up accounts with utility providers, but it needs to be done, and I don't see why we can't go and relax together afterwards. Instead, he's off to hang out with his friends. We're still living without hot water, gas, or a fridge!

He says he only has so much time allotted for me and unfortunately, that time is now being spent doing routine stuff like getting cable or shopping for bookshelves, so when we're done, he's seen enough of me for the day and would rather go do something else. I understand what he means; I don't want to monopolize his time, I just want to have a life together. I know moving can be stressful, but I'm afraid his behavior is a sign of something worse. I'm tired of making suggestions for fun stuff to do and getting rejected. I don't know what to do. Do you have any suggestions?

— Stuck at Home Serena

To see DearSugar's answer,

.

Dear Stuck at Home Serena,

I think everyone can agree that moving is overwhelming, especially when it's with a significant other. It's very possible that your boyfriend's change in behavior is simply a symptom of his worries and fears about taking this big step with you. If that's the case, it's likely that he'll relax as things become less hectic; but, that's still no reason to abandon you with all the chores. Try divvying up everything instead of doing it together. If he hates furniture shopping, go ahead and do that yourself, but make sure he's put in charge of buying the fridge and getting the gas turned on — neither of which should be difficult regardless of whether or not he needs time with his friends.

However, dropping the ball and pulling away just as the going gets tough is never a good habit to see in a significant other. I don't think anyone should ever "allot" only a certain amount of time for the person that they love each day. He should be able to spend time with his friends, but it's not reasonable of him to put a time limit on the effort he's willing to expend for your relationship. Next time, try to come up with something fun you both can do with his friends, and plan on doing it on a day when you won't be doing anything household related. If he still puts up a fuss, then it might be time to reevaluate this relationship.

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Janine22 Janine22 9 years
Maybe you are just seeing his true colours now that you guys live together. He sounds really selfish. I think he is treating you really badly, and you have a right to be hurt by his behaviour. Time for a serious talk about the relationship to decide if you guys made a mistake moving in together.
pinkhearted pinkhearted 9 years
Did you move away from your friends to move in with him? I lived with my boyfriend over the summer while I interned in his city, and I didn't know anyone in the town. At first, he was frustrated that I needed so much attention when he got off work, but I didn't have anyone else to talk to or hang out with (I worked in an office, by myself with no one my own age). When he realized why I kept bugging him to hang out, he understood and was more attentive. But I agree with others--he shouldn't have an "allotted amount of time" with you. Thats just ridiculous.
evenxstarx evenxstarx 9 years
this sounds horrible girl .. you still don't even have hot water? this guy does NOT sound serious whatsoever about living with you. when you first move in with someone you love it SHOULD be fun .. you deserve so much better. i think you should confront him about all of this, and if he's still apathetic about everything, you should seriously consider moving out. good luck dear
emalove emalove 9 years
The "time allotment" thing is horrible. I wouldn't be okay with that.
gossipqueen gossipqueen 9 years
*him treat you
gossipqueen gossipqueen 9 years
What an ass!!! Sure, everybody needs alone time but what he wants sounds like...you fix my house I play time! You need a different guy...one that is on the same level of commitment that you are...or that you want to be. My guy does not mind shopping for bookshelves or ordering cable or picking out furniture...he enjoys that because he enjoys being with me...his words not mine.... If you guys are living together..and he puts limits on "face time"....Jeez...that is just a bunch of crap! Does he have sex with you and turns over and sleeps???? Don't let her treat you like another "thing" at his house.
sass317 sass317 9 years
Reading the other comments reminded me of a guy I dated long distance while I was in college- we would hang out on friday (with his friends of course) and then not understand why I would want to hang out again on Saturday- like hes already seen me once for the weekend, he wanted to hang out with his friends (AGAIN!) Not to mention the fact that we were LONG DISTANCE and I would only be on town for a limited amount of time- youd think he would want to spend time with me! Fast forward a few years: Well hes single and Im married, wonder which of us was the one with the issues??
MissChita MissChita 9 years
Hey there... I really feel for you on this situation because I can tell you now that you are going to have to make some major decisions, some that you may not even want to do. If ANYONE you date tells you that 'they have seen you enough for one day' or that so much time has been allotted for you, then BELIEVE HIM!!! Now that the two of you have moved in together, he more than likely feels that the committment is there, and there is no reason why you all need to spend a lot of time together, since he can see you in the morning and when he gets home at night. And if you allow that cycle to start and continue, it may get to a point where he wont even come home on some nights. It wont necessarily mean that he's cheating, but it may just confirm for him that yall are living together, so he 'got' you and he can do what he wants. Stop it before it starts. I dont believe in living with someone if you are not married (have been thru this one too many times). When you do get married, you will be living with someone for the rest of your lives anyway, and you will cherish the time spent together more (with marriage), so why rush the living together anyway? And I agree with what someone else has already posted; after two years, if all he can say is 'lets move in together', then he doesnt want much anyway. So, with all of that said, you need to try evaluate on what you want out of life, at this point and in the future. And you need to really pray. Talk to God. Because you dont want to make a decision and regret it months or years down the line. If this guy is saying things like this to you now, it can really mess with your self esteem and many other things. So maybe its a good idea that the hot water and gas are not on and that you dont have a fridge yet. LOL. You have some decisions to make. Best of luck to you!!! -Peace!!
alltherage alltherage 9 years
my ex was also like that. we are not friends he'd be like if we spend friday together i have to spend saturdy doing someting else. while time apart is good having it as a rule or being able to take someone for only so long and that be ur sig other is ridic. heck if u dont address this u'll hear things like my ex "i dont want a long honeymoon cuz i'll get bored and a whole week just the two of us? i dotn think so. yes the things we women put up with. well he's my ex:)
sparklestar sparklestar 9 years
My ex was just like this and it was horrible. I was constantly second best and I got so sick and tired of it. It was a total relief to get away from him. He's still my friend but I don't have to deal with his crap anymore. :) Seriously - this guy is not a keeper.
7kimba7 7kimba7 9 years
-- divvy up the chores. you don't need 2 people to set up gas or cable. -- if he is spending his time with you doing mundane chore things (like the aforementioned utilies and shelf shopping) it could be that it's the TASKS and not you that he wants to get away from, so he could be escaping these monotonous chores that he doesn't want anything to do with. if the chores are split, then when you are with him, it's more time for fun. -- if there are no more chores and he still says that there is an "allotment" of time to spend with you, you need to really reconsider this relationship. I understand that we all want our space, but that is a bit much and I'd be hurt by it.
heineken67 heineken67 9 years
Sounds like a total bum. Relationships and cohabitation require cooperation and compromises. If he's not willing, then he's not worth it.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 9 years
Your time allotment per day?! Ouch. I'm not sure I could stay in this situation, but if you want to stay, you can probably make it a little better. It seems like you are probably turning into a bit of a nag. Which, by the way, is understandable, given how he's behaving. It also seems like you are desperate for his attention. Again, understandable. So, I would advocate that you stop relying on him to hang out with, go out with friends, do your own fun creative projects, and then you will likely start attracting him again once you aren't relying on him as much. Honestly though, give it just a few months and then reevaluate. A lifetime of being ignored would really hurt my feelings.
tomatoshirt tomatoshirt 9 years
It doesn't matter if your bf's behavior is acceptable to others because you are already not okay with it. Apparently you guys are not on the same page. Maybe you should sit him down and ask him if this is what he wants - moving in that is... then go from there. Compatability is very important...
petite42 petite42 9 years
Please do not buy bookshelves and furniture together with this man. Buy them yourself - using your credit card - so when you inevitably break up you get to take these things with you and there's no argument about who gets what. This relationship is not going to last very long. He is sending you signals loud and clear that he is not as committed as you, and didn't really want to move in. He just didn't have the guts to tell you that.
tiff58 tiff58 9 years
I agree that not everything needs to be done together- like setting up utilities. However, MANY couples do things like shopping for household items together. Not everything in life is exciting, but being together is. When my fiance and I do our weekly Home Depot/Lowe's trip, it's part of a nice day spent together. Recently we had to take in our car to get new tires. Not something everyone has to do together, but it took about 2 hours, and it sure was nice to spend those two hours together, sitting in a bookstore, rather than alone. If you are thinking of continuing a relationship with this person, consider all of the mundane, and unattractive things you two will have to do throughout your lives- there are many. Is he the kind of person that you want to be doing them with?
jaxon jaxon 9 years
I'm on the fence with this one. I'm kinda with Ster. While I do find it disturbing for him to say "he allots time for you" it might be you are BORING HIM TO DEATH!! Why are you waiting for him to get you electric, gas, cable, and fridge? I think you are making too much of a fairy tale out of moving in. Yes, it's a huge step but put down the glitter and walk away from the scrapbook. This does not need to be some coupledom project. Girl be a woman and get your stuff turned on. Go to Lowe's, Home Depot, or Sears and pick out a fridge. I would still be wary of his actions. Closely monitor his behavior and be ready to tell him to hit the bricks if he continues to stopwatch your life. There is no reason to spend every moment together but a time limit is crazy!
Silverlining10 Silverlining10 9 years
First of all, realize that you don't want a guy that allots times for you, then walks away after he's satisfied. My boyfriend used to set time limits, and we used to schedule dates a month ahead. That wasn't working for me. I deserve better, and now that you two are living together, you have taken another step towards your commitment towards one another. If he's going to continue treating you that way, you need to anticipate walking away. After you get that out of the way with him, explain that you two can do boring chores together and still relax, and catch a movie. Tell him you don't want to monopolize his time or control his relationship with his friends, but you need to be respected and your needs met. You want more than two hours with him, so you both need to compromise. He needs to understand and accept this.
Ster Ster 9 years
I wouldn't immediately assume he's an awful guy ... "that time is now being spent doing routine stuff like getting cable or shopping for bookshelves" I could be wrong here, but it seems like you feel every little detail of you two moving in together should be a little project by the two of you. Getting cable together? Shopping for bookshelves? I agree with the posters who suggested dividing the tasks. If he's like 80% of the male population, he probably cares less what your bookshelves look like and really doesn't want to be spending an afternoon picking them out. Let him do the straight forward stuff like getting cable, you go out to buy the shower curtain. And afterwards you can have some quality time together ... Maybe he's just running out of the house afterwards because he's scared you'll make him compare paint swatches all evening. However, if this is really the problem, it is kind of childish that he wouldn't just tell you (and the things he does tell you are quite hurtful). Sit him down and talk about it ... if there's a deeper underlying problem, better to find out sooner than later. Good luck!
Masqueraded_Angel Masqueraded_Angel 9 years
EXCUSE ME?!?! Ok ok...if I were you, I'd have kicked the mofo out the door ALREADY. If he wants to spend so much time with his friends, go live with them for all I care. You're sitting there tolerating this...with no hot water, gas or a fridge. You're sending him the message that you do not need to be one of his priorities! When hubby and I finally got the apartment, please believe that we had all of our nonsense set up to start on the DAY that we moved in. I mean...how could a man NOT want to make sure that his gf or wife or whatever had the NECESSITIES to live?! How are you showering? Cooking? Keeping groceries cold? Start looking for another place for yourself on the side. Set up all your bills and whatever BEFOREHAND, so that they are turned on and active on the day that you move in. And for God's sake...grow some balls.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 9 years
He doesn't seem to be ready to live with you (or will never, oh who knows, I mean after 2 1/2 years, I'd think that he should be prepared to make the next 'step' in a committed relationship unless you two are a 'casual' type couple). Hence he's trying to 'escape' as much as you as he can. If he's ready to make that commitment, he'd be taking care of business (getting water, electric, etc turned on and etc) and do it willingly and not try to run w/ friends and stuff. He sounds very immature as well by doing what he's doing, he's certainly not ready to become the 'man of the house.' He still wants to 'play' and he's showing you by his action. I'd not accept that kind of behavior myself, but if you so inclined in staying in the relationship, tell him that you're willing to move out in order to give him as much space as he wants because he doesn't seem ready for a living-together commitment. PS. I don't understand why you don't take charge regarding water, electric and gas. If I were you, I'd take care of that the first thing myself (because I believe in having hot water and gas and electric :D). In fact, when we moved in, that's the first things we did (me and hubby), getting electric, water, gas bill in our names, called the cable. It only took like...a few minutes EACH. I had to take care of doing so because hubby worked during the day and I had the more flexible schedule. There was so much time to browse around for furniture.
animatedpunk animatedpunk 9 years
yeah, i know it's easier said than done, but I think you deserve better than this. He shouldn't have a limit on how much time he can spend with you a day. That's ridiculous. If a guy said that to me, I'd walk out.
sass317 sass317 9 years
I would never stay with a guy that said things like that to me. "hes seen enough of me for the day." are you kidding me? And you think you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who feels there are only a few waking hours in the day that he can tolerate to spend with you? You think that is all you deserve out of a relationship?
cjmara805 cjmara805 9 years
Do you really need to go buy get cable together? Divide up the chores, do them alone, then spend your together time doing something worthwhile.
hotstuff hotstuff 9 years
OK, so he allots time with you and your seriously setting yourself up for a lifetime of this? Sometimes you have to take responsibility for how you allow others to treat you!
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