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You Asked: Is There Potential Here?

Dear Sugar,

About two months ago, I met a guy at a bar who is in the same graduate program as me, but he's a few years older. He found my email address, and we've been in constant contact for the past eight weeks. Sounds great right? Well here's my problem: We hang out about once a week, and we're usually drunk and end up sleeping together. I would say that we're just sleeping together and end it at that, but we talk every single day and he calls me "hun" and "babe" as if I were his girlfriend. Whenever we hang out, I'm always the one making the effort to go to his apartment, or meet him at a bar near his place, or go meet him and his friends. I feel like I'm chasing around this guy who isn't really making any effort other than calling me "babe" every night via text-message.

I'm nervous to bring up how I feel because I don't want to make a big deal out of it if he just considers this a casual sex thing. But at the same time, I don't want to waste my time with someone who won't potentially become a boyfriend. What should I do? — Wanting More Maura

To see DearSugar's answer,


Dear Wanting More Maura,

Having a friends with benefits relationship only works when both people are on the same page, and it sounds like that's not the case here. Although you're hesitant to talk about your situation, I suggest you bite the bullet and have a heart to heart with him. Without getting the facts about how he feels about you and what he wants, this limbo state won't go away.

We all know that most men shy away from talking about their feelings, but perhaps he just needs some reassurance that you're actually interested in something more before he puts his heart on his sleeve. It's obvious that there's something between you two, so dig a little deeper and see what that something is.

In the meantime, FWB are very tricky relationships, and while each one is different, it's important to at least make sure you're safe — I don't need to remind you about the dangers of STIs. I know it's unnerving to broach such a vulnerable subject with someone you're interested in, but without speaking your mind, you'll never know what could have been. Good luck!


Join The Conversation
luv_bug1211 luv_bug1211 9 years
stop sleeping with him.
murdock99tx murdock99tx 9 years
Unless sex is all you want w/this guy: DUMP.
TheMissus TheMissus 9 years
I say, "Stop making an effort." If he starts making an effort to see you, because you stopped, then you'll know he's interested in you. Otherwise, you're just playing the fool by constantly being the one to do all the work. You're letting him have it easy. Even if it's just a "sex thing," it's gotta be "50-50." Does he make you do all the work in bed too??
lilprincess lilprincess 9 years
There are plenty of guys who will call ANY girl 'hun' or 'babe' and don't see it as sweet, or a relationship type of thing like girls do. I agree with everyone else- he probably just wants sex. You have two options: play hard to get and be busy when he calls and let him know where YOU'LL be one night and tell him he can join you if he wants to see you; or talk to him. Be very straight forward and just kinda like "look, is this a sex thing or more? i like you, but if it's just a sex thing, that's ok too, i just want to know where you stand." If you mention something about not caring too much either way (but you also don't want to sound like you totally don't care in case he does really like you) he won't feel as pressured. And remember that actions speak louder than words. So cliche, but soo true.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 9 years
Ehmm, this post sounds like a repeat and it probably is. At any rate, you're sleeping with someone who in general you doesn't seem to have a relationship with and you're even afraid to acknowledge it to him. It's not good. Only complain if youre willing to make the situation right, but dont get mad at him or say that he's using you. You're willingly putting out and thinking of the consequences later. You're not a child here.
gooniette gooniette 9 years
Have you ever suggested he come over to your place? Or go to a restaurant around you? Have you ever been on a date with just him without his buddies there? There could be potential, but you're being too much of a doormat to find out. Figure out what you want and tell him. If he doesn't want the same thing, work from there or just lose him.
alltherage alltherage 9 years
yeah he's using u. that's clear. and u say ur scared he'll say its just a casual thing -- well its clearly not for YOU. so u need to make that known.
cvandoorn cvandoorn 9 years
You can ask him and he'll just give you the runaround. What guy would possibly want to give up no-strings-attached sex? Stop seeing him. Like you said, you don't want to waste your time.
Berlin Berlin 9 years
sorry hun (see that there?) but the terms 'hun' and 'babe' are usually reserved for those girls that you are NOT in a relationship with, but that are more for friends and ones that are just Fck buddies. It certainly is not indicative of a relationship and doesn't sound like he's wanting one. Using terms like that is usually a very good way to show that he actually isn't interested rather than that he thinks of you as anything more than what it is...a girl he's comfortable enough to have sex with and that is feeding his ego. So forget the guy and find one that's worth it b/c babe...he's using you!
tomatoshirt tomatoshirt 9 years
I agree w/ Sugar...just ask him. Whatever the anwser he may give you, at least you know what kind of situation you are in and you can put that in perspective. I went through a similar situation. So i asked him - not just once.
TidalWave TidalWave 9 years
Stop having sex with him every date and see if he is still just as interested.
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