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You Asked: Is This Relationship a Lost Cause?

Dear Sugar,

I'm at my wit's end. I had this boyfriend when I was a kid, 13 to 17 years old. He hurt me deeply and is a very unstable person but he always remained a special person in my thoughts and memories. We have grown up to be very different people and would never be a couple again. The problem is I have been seeing his brother for the past eight months who I'm totally crazy about. He appears to be everything I'm looking for, minus the family drama of course.

My ex found out that we're seeing each other and he completely lost his mind and is totally heartbroken. Since then, the brother and I secretly see each other on occasion, but he is very standoffish because he doesn't want to hurt his brother, which I understand. I've tried to break things off with him, since there seems little potential for a future with us, but he still calls and pulls me while still keeping me at an arm's length. I hate being toyed with. I get filled with emotions and hope, only to be frustrated, disappointed and unsatisfied. I know he has feelings for me and if it weren't for his brother we would be together so how should I approach this? Give him an ultimatum? Turn my back on this whole thing? Be a bit more aggressive? —
Help Me Get What I Want Wendy

To see Dear Sugar's answer

Dear Help Me Get What I Want Wendy,

This is a tough situation. Of course, you don't want to get between two brothers, but if you truly feel that there's a connection, you can't deny your feelings. In hindsight I wish you and the brother had been upfront and honest with your ex from the get go because I'm sure a lot of his anger is coming from feeling betrayed, and quite frankly, I don't blame him.

So what to do now? Well, I would stop seeing the brother until he decides what he wants to do with your relationship. It's not fair for him to play games with your emotions so stand your ground Wendy. As much as you want to be with him, don't let him push you around. Unfortunately, at the end of the day, it's going to be his decision so hang tight and hope for the best. Good luck.


Join The Conversation
Alisha_Stiletto Alisha_Stiletto 9 years
EW!! Tacky tacky. There are way too many men out there to be dating the whole family.
frieddumpling frieddumpling 9 years
Break it off. It's always hard but the more you invest into the, the more difficult it is to let go. So break it off now and save yourself from more turmoil down the road.
ninjastarlett ninjastarlett 9 years
Ummm... You say you're crazy about him then you say "I've tried to break things off with him, since there seems little potential for a future with us"... that is because of the ex? Or does there seem like little potential because of his emotional distance? This whole situation is bad, bad, bad... entirely too complicated and too emotional. Don't see or talk either of them anymore. Cut everything off.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 9 years
Well, you knew who he was related to when you started dating him, you should've expected something. You should probably sit out of dating for a while. Maybe even seek out counseling, based on how you feel about your ex. He treated you badly and you glossed right over it.
trixiefire trixiefire 9 years
I say at least stand up for yourself and say you wont be toyed with. Tell him he cant have it both ways, and to choose which way its going to be, either you're together or you arent. Tell him to prepare himself for the consequences of either decision, and stick to his guns. Perhaps sitting down with his brother and asking for him not to take it so personally might help. If you're as special to him as he is to you, he should want you to be happy, regardless of who it is with.
sugarbritches sugarbritches 9 years
Agreed hotstuff, it would be handy to know how long ago she was with the other brother. Either way, I think you need to leave this one alone and break it off completely. Time to move on.
hotstuff hotstuff 9 years
See this is another perfect example of how great it would be to know the writers age!!! So you dated this guy from 13-17 are you 40 now, are you 18 now? This makes a HUGE difference. If your breakup with the brother was fairly recent then you are wrong wrong wrong for dating his brother. If this was like 20 years ago I wouldn't recommend it but I think it's possible that a relationship could be had. If it's causing this much turmoil in the family and it sounds like this guy can't make up his mind then you need to cut this off completely and realize it's a horrible idea to date so close within a family. You've been messing around with his brother for eight months that's a pretty long time to be going back and forth and all secretive. I could see if you didn't know this guy was his brother but most likely you did and you need to leave him alone.
CaterpillarGirl CaterpillarGirl 9 years
“hurt me deeply” vs “always remained a special person” Sort of cancel each other out in my book. The fact that you were dating anyone at 13 also scares me. You don’t sound mature enough emotionally to even begin to sort through dating brothers and what comes with that. “he appears to be everything I am looking for, minus the family drama of course” Well you cant minus the family drama, you just cant, so he cant be everything you are looking for if that’s the case. You are delving into Biblical scenarios with this one, brother against brother. You have to have slept with the first one, and now the second one, so that’s just weird and really nothing will come of this but heartache, anger and loss. My advice, wash your hands of this one.
erratic-assassin erratic-assassin 9 years
I think at the end of the day, your ex will always be in the way, whether his brother choses you over him. If my sister was dating my ex, I'd be fuuuurious. It's just weird. And if you don't really see potential (and it's potential you're seeking), then let him go. the better one will come along.
Marci Marci 9 years
I agree with Dear that you should stop seeing this guy altogether, and that should include phone conversations. Cut it off. I have 4 brothers and there were girls who dated one and then years later dated another and believe me, it's always a problem for everyone in the family, not just the brothers. So the chances of your relationship with this guy going anywhere are very slim. It'll be awhile before you're ready, but I agree with spiceG that there are a lot of great guys out there so eventually, go find one of those.
spiceG spiceG 9 years
you know, I agree that this is a tough situation, but there are so many wonderful men out there. (there are more fish in the sea, so to say)you have kinda ventured into that "unwritten rule" area where you just shouldnt go - you dont date best friends ex's or family members. it just causes so many problems and other relationships usually must give way to have it work. I could never imagine being so selfish as to break up two brothers. Think of all the other things that you will be losing out on - family get-togethers and double dates with his brothers or sisters. family is so important, and if the relationship is not supported by both sides of the family, things that are usually easy can become so difficult. I really do wish you the best. You know your ex the best. Is he the type that can be mature and get past this, or not? If you never see that coming, you need to consider how this relationship will look in the future - with marriage and kids. Maybe I am jumping the gun on this one, but I have seen friends with major heartaches and marriage break-ups all because of family. Really weigh the pros and cons on this one, and go with your gut. Good luck.
SillyBecky SillyBecky 9 years
It sounds to me like even if you two DID decide to continue seeing each other, the level of discomfort would be too much for you guys to be able to really "settle" into a relationship. Unless his brother was completely out of the picture, which is unlikely because like they said "Blood is thicker than water.", and unless he got backbone enough to tell his brother to get past it, I don't really see any way that you guys could make it work.
7kimba7 7kimba7 9 years
I agree with Dear. Stick up for what you want and hold your ground.
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