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You Asked: Is This Relationship Worth Salvaging?

Dear Sugar,

I've known my "best friend" for about eight years. We used to get along great, but lately she's been increasingly rude to me and I don't know how to react. She gradually began making undermining comments about me in front of other people, regarding both my intelligence and my body type, but when we hang out, just the two of us, she's the same old fun person that I befriended all those years ago.

A few months ago my boyfriend and I went to visit her. We now live on opposite sides of the country and I figured that some space would make her realize the value of our friendship. Unfortunately, that didn't happen and she in fact acted even more horrible towards me. She would prance around in her bra and underwear (claiming it was too hot in the house to wear clothes), and while shopping for swimsuits, she commented on my small chest, saying "No offense, but you aren't that curvy," while my boyfriend was right next to me! Stranger still, she had her own boyfriend with her the entire time, too.

I'm fed up with her lack of respect for me so I haven't initiated any contact with her. She calls and emails occasionally, but she's become my last priority. She was once my closest friend, so is this relationship worth saving? Should I be the bigger person and forgive and forget? — Upset by Her Helen

To see DearSugar's answer


Dear Upset by Her Helen,

I don't blame you for being upset with your friend's actions but why haven't you asked her what's wrong? Could she be going through a difficult time that you're unaware of? Could she be jealous that you've moved far away and started a life without her? Could this just be a phase?

It obviously never feels good to be undercut by anyone, let alone your bff, so I advise you to stand your ground the next time she behaves like this — since you've never pushed back on her, she might not know that what she's doing is upsetting you. Her constant need to talk negatively about your body makes me think she's either insecure or jealous so when broaching the subject, don't attack her as she'll most likely get defensive. Her antics only serve to boost her ego while bruising yours so I advise you to get everything out on the table before your relationship suffers any more than it already has.

When it comes to good, old friends, I always think it's worth it to make amends. Though your friendship might not be the same for a while, or ever again for that matter, at least you can know that you did your part to work it out. Hopefully this is just a phase, but if nothing changes, perhaps your friendship has run its course in which case you might just be better off living your own lives and going your separate ways.


Join The Conversation
emalove emalove 9 years
Oh lord, I'd cut this one loose for sure...she sounds like a total bitch and not a true friend AT ALL.
JaimeLeah526 JaimeLeah526 9 years
Personally I'd at least try and talk to her first and see what is bothering her. Tell her it pisses you off when she does that and see if you can get her to stop. If she does it again then you need to end the friendship. She's doing it to get attention from everyone else around you. She's feeling insecure about something and if she was your friend at one point then you should want to help her through it even if you move on after.
Sporky Sporky 9 years
Don't waste your time on this person. She's a b*tch. Move on.
ehadams ehadams 9 years
Meh...why bother. Who has time for people who treat you like that? My mom recently got back in touch with a friend she has known since before I was born- 30 years or so. For the first six months it was fun for both of them. Then the friend revealed she was the same bitchy, catty, self absorbed woman who uses her friends and then treats them like crap afterwards. So basically...some people are just jerks. It is best to avoid them before they make your life miserable.
geebers geebers 9 years
These kinds of insults are really unacceptable and if someone tried this PA crap on me I'd hand it right back to them but that is me. The right thing to do is to just leave her be. If she wants to make amends she will -and if you feel she has good qualities worth saving the relationship for -by all means make sure you tell her how her attitude makes you feel.
MartiniLush MartiniLush 9 years
It sounds to me like she is really jealous of you and all that you have in your life. I would give this "friendship" a break for a while. When you come back to it, see if this pattern continues and if it does, dump her. You don't need the kind of misery she is inflicting upon you in your life.
kayla74 kayla74 9 years
I tried for years to salvage a friendship I'd had for 13 years. In the end, it wasn't worth it because we weren't the same people we were in 7th grade. Look at your true friends, the ones you see often, and decide if she makes you feel as happy as they do. Chances are, she doesn't so move on. Also, if you're ditching her phone calls and hoping she doesn't come for another visit, you probably already know where you want your friendship to be.
j2e1n9 j2e1n9 9 years
I wouldnt waste your time and "ask her whats wrong"... She's obviously a miserable, crabby, beyotch and that's more of an affliction than anything else, i.e. there is no cure for it until she pulls her head outta her ass and puts a smile on her face. I think you're doing the right thing by making her your last priority. :P I did the same thing with the friends that I had/have that are shitty, and its the best medicine for Miss Miseries like that. Just stay happy and pleasant, you'll make new friends as I'm sure you already have! ;)
TidalWave TidalWave 9 years
I doubt she realizes that she has even hurt you or that you were even bothered by the comments! Tell her and talk to her about it.
karlotta karlotta 9 years
I've only got one word for you: BITCHSLAP. Seriously, she's extremely offensive and obnoxious, and the next time I hear her say something as nasty as what she said in front of your boyfriend, I'd put my hand in her fucking face. And leave it at that - FOREVER.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 9 years
It's hard for women to break up with other women. They represent some of our strongest relationships.
sundaygreen sundaygreen 9 years
Don't be such a goddamn walkover woman! Tell her she is being a bitch and you won't deal with that shit. Sorry for all the cursing but I feel like shaking you to come to your senses!
snowysakurasky snowysakurasky 9 years
umm, no.
omlove omlove 9 years
No. What is there to forgive!
itsme3683 itsme3683 9 years
I'm also experiencing something similar. I moved to LA from Chicago two years ago and my best friend from back home and I don't see each other very often because I rarely leave LA. Going to lunch or other short outings are fine, but recently she stayed at my apartment for a weekend and it was TERRIBLE. I only really realized that it was doomed when my boyfriend stepped in on one of my rants: "Why are you even friends with her? She makes you completely miserable!" And I realized he was right. I guess what I was trying to say this whole time was that I haven't really figured out a way to put the friendship on freeze, so I would also appreciate any advice!!!
Percy Percy 9 years
I agree with all the above... Sometimes people react outwardly to some of their own personal issues they are having (as unfair as it sounds to the people around...) so *perhaps*, just to give her the benefit of the doubt, and to make sure you have done everything as a friend and for your own peace of mind, just ask her straight: what's going on here? are you OK? When all is said and done, then the decision falls back on your lap as to whether you wish to move on from this frienship - at least then you can say to yourself, "Yep, done everything that I could - I can move on..."
snowbunny11 snowbunny11 9 years
I could be the friend you are describing in this relationship! It's awful, I am a really nice person but something about HER drives me CRAZY, and I realize that we wouldn't be friends if we met today. I take it out in a really passive aggressive way. I never call her anymore, and I keep our visits very short, but still, it's bad. I'm not excusing her behavior, but in my opinion you should get out. She is over you, and she isn't worth it. I'm sure you have a ton of great new friends who share more interests with you to hang out with! Sometimes we just move beyond people we met 8 years ago, and we don't want to end it because there is so much history. Now I wish I could just admit this to my friend instead of being a bitch to her...
Meike Meike 9 years
Insecure, attention wh*beep*re describes your supposed friend very accurately. IMO, this is not a friendship worth salvaging.
Asia84 Asia84 9 years
what the hell??? are you a donkey?! she doesn't like you. she's not your friend. move on.
ayuninur ayuninur 9 years
I agree with lovely ladies above me.. Try to talk to her and tell her how you feel.
xoxoxx xoxoxx 9 years
Honestly...I'd leave her be. I'm going through something similar - slowly but surely, my "friend" has been distant. She would ditch me every time we had plans, and if she did show up, she'd complain the entire time. And when she's around her "yearbook friends," she acts as if I'm just beneath her. Her attitude towards me has changed drastically, and I've grown to the point that I want nothing to do with anyone that doesn't appreciate me for who I am, no matter who else they may have befriended. Hopefully you figure out what's best for you.
Eilonwy Eilonwy 9 years
The relationship consists of her repeatedly demeaning and insulting you. Is that what you are seeking to salvage? Friendships should be supportive and positive, not adversarial and mean-spirited. I suppose you could speak to her; but, unless you are both extremely young (say, just beginning middle school) any young adult or adult would be aware of the hurt feelings in repeatedly acting as she has done.
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