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You Asked: Is She a Bad Bridesmaid or Am I a Bridezilla?

Dear Sugar,

I'm getting married in a few months, and I asked my four closest girl friends to be my bridesmaids. Three of the girls have been amazing, but I've been having a lot of issues with the last girl. They were kind enough to throw me a lovely bachelorette party, but they had a hard time settling on the date because the girl in question was always "busy." They finally settled on a date that worked for her, and then three weeks before the party, she called to tell me that she couldn't make it because she decided to take a vacation instead. I feel extremely hurt because I knew the other girls bent over backwards to accommodate her because we all felt it was important for her to attend since she was a bridesmaid. Am I wrong to be hurt that she would miss my bachelorette party so she could go on a vacation instead? — Peeved Penelope

To see DearSugar's answer,


Dear Peeved Penelope,

I have to say that I'm on your side on this one — your friend is being incredibly selfish by purposely making vacation plans on the same weekend as your bachelorette party. Not only did she create a ruckus by making the date all about her, but she's clearly showing you where her priorities lie. Since she's already made her decision, there's nothing you can do now, so try not to let her absence ruin your bachelorette party or your wedding day.

Although brides are typically the ones that become overwhelmed during wedding planning time, perhaps your friend is going through something that you're unaware of. Could she be jealous that you're getting married and she's not? Could she be having marital problems if she's already married? She could also have bailed out on your weekend with the girls simply because the attention was not going to be on her.

Since your feelings are rightfully hurt, I'd talk to her about it. Let her know how she made you feel and perhaps ask if there's something bothering her that she wants to talk about. If she says no, remember that this is her problem, not yours, and hopefully by the time your wedding comes around, she can stand by your side and support you on your big day.


Join The Conversation
gaelgirl gaelgirl 8 years
well, i doubt you're a zilla, but i don't think she's that bad either. i mean, being someone's maid is a HUGE burden in many ways. you have to buy gifts, a dress, shoes, throw parties, & then use your free time all on someone else. not to mention that but it's hard on people who aren't getting married sometimes. ya know, you are kinda forced to look at your own life & wish you were a bride. try to see it from her point of view (assuming she didn't mean harm)... your job only gives you so much time off. it's possible she was feeling the wedding stress & needed to check out for a bit. & she did give you a few week's notice. it's not like she totally bailed on you. just be glad you have her as a friend & maybe not put a load of chores on her just in case she is stressing or in case she bails again.
designerel designerel 8 years
She is definitely the bad guy here. How "busy" could she possibly be? The other bridesmaids bent over backwards to schedule the bachelorette party on a night she could come, and she decides she's going to take a trip?? That is terrible. Give her one more chance... if she continues to be selfish, drop her as a bridesmaid and find someone else who can do a better job.
Koneko Koneko 8 years
weddings are stressful enough - you don't need to deal with something like this on top of everything else. lose the bridesmaidzilla!
aylee aylee 8 years
I don't think you are a bridezilla. Your friend is being inconsiderate. First of all, even with a regular party, it is just rude to make friends plan around one's schedule then plan something else the last minute. What your friend did is worse. She agreed to be your bridesmaid and she should know the duties that come with it. She shouldn't have accepted if she's not up to it. I agree with DearSugar that you should talk to your friend about how you felt about the whole situation. Good luck!
NdHebert NdHebert 8 years
Some people, like me, hate weddings. I myself will never have a wedding (I would rather spend the money on a house), and don't like being wrapped up into the wedding world. She may be a busy girl, now even busier with a friends wedding and decided to take a vacation. She shouldnt put her life on hold because someone else is expecting her to do things for them.
HeidiMD HeidiMD 8 years
If she has issues committing to your wedding, then she simply shouldn't have accepted.
Dana-Lou Dana-Lou 8 years
I don't see the whole got to have a ton of bridesmaids. I think it gets awkward. I mean unless this is the always known since childhood kind of friend then sure. Always if its family. I just always picture a small beautiful intimate family affair. Just seems more romance to have the people around you that love you to death. Then have everyone you know so you can get down and boogey affair. Anyway I always thought the party happens during the honeymoon.;)
g1amourpuss g1amourpuss 8 years
will she be so.. (juggling too much crap here at work to be playing on here, eek.)
g1amourpuss g1amourpuss 8 years
ilanac you always sound so level headed on your comments (down to your vegetarian comments also). I'm also curious what would happen if the OP decides to have a baby or children. How will her friend act then? People/friendships change when you/your-friends start having children. Will so self-centered then also? I'm not saying she can't have a life (Sh!t god knows I get busy), but it appears as if she doesn't want to be apart of the wedding.
ilanac13 ilanac13 8 years
that's definitely not cool - i think that if you agree to being a part of the wedding party - then you know that you're signing up for a few additional tasks. when you're part of a group of people who are planning things, you may have to compromise. the other girls went out of their way to make it work for her and she was still disrespectful. the thing to remember though is that weddings bring out sides of people that they didn't know they had. jealous sides. she may be acting out because she's jealous that she's not the one getting married and that she's not the one that people are planning for. i wouldn't put it past a girlfriend to jeopardize things because of those emotions.
JaimeLeah526 JaimeLeah526 8 years
What a bitch. She should know better. If you had dinner plans and she planned a vacation that would be enough to piss me off but this is your wedding time so it's so much worse. You aren't asking too much. I;d talk to her and see if she feels like she's not up to being in the wedding or if there is something in her life you can help with .
Muirnea Muirnea 8 years
Deidre said it best. The wedding part doesn't even matter. This girl was rude because she made everyone else plan this date around her and then purposefully went and planned a vacation on the same day when she knew everyone had been working to include her in the There is no excuse for rudeness like that unless it really was an emergency or something like that...but if y'all are close enough to have her be your bridesmaid, it seems like she would have told you if it was an emergency, instead of just calling it a vacation. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone that's so inconsiderate and has no manners anyway...I would just not go out of the way at all to include her in anything anymore and just leave the important tasks up to the other bridesmaids.
BryPouncy BryPouncy 8 years
Although it isn't her duty to attend the party, as a friend she should have been more considerate considering it was planned to be convenient to her. I wouldn't get mad at her but I would talk to her about it, healthy communication between friends is needed as much as communication between partners in life.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 8 years
It's not that deep. Geez!
kmckay kmckay 8 years
i have to agree with all the comments saying this is no big deal- weddings really have gotten away from the point- several showers, dress-fitting dates, shopping, jack & jills, bachelorette weekends. i mean, bridesmaids cannot be expected to drop everything (families, weekends, money, personal days at work) to accommodate all of these!
Meike Meike 8 years
This is why I've never accepted to be a bridesmaid. Brides and fellow bridesmaid think they own your schedule. Sorry but last I heard it was the bridesmaid who was doing many of the favors. A bachelorette party is not THAT important. The wedding and your marriage after are. And, who knows what her vacation is for? For all we know, it could have been a family emergency.
Zulkey Zulkey 8 years
oh no Glamourpuss--don't worry about it. I clearly have issues about this since I still obviously feel very used and abused based on my own experience.
mks0880 mks0880 8 years
Maybe she IS genuinely busy! Maybe she took a vacation because that was the only time she or her partner could! A bachelorette party, in my book, is nothing to stop your whole life for. I'm sorry. I think weddings are becoming really, really overdone now.
g1amourpuss g1amourpuss 8 years
Zulkey, did you think I was referring to YOUR situation, because I wasn't - I just now read your other comments. But since you asked: This girl obviously knows EVERYONE scheduled the bachelorette party around HER. And ..~Oh!, I think I'll just go on vacation instead~..... Fk'n b!tch, doesn't sound like much of a friend. I'd go live it up with the other considerate girlfriends.
pinkflake2 pinkflake2 8 years
oh my goodness...this exact thing happened to me. I was a maid of honor, and the bride's future sister-in-law was so difficult...we organized the party around her schedule and then the day before she was supposed to come (we were all there already) called and said she couldn't come....It was ridiculous. I have no advice, but I would talk to her and tell her if she can't handle being a bridesmaid, or does not want to, she doesn't have to... People can be so inconsiderate...
Marci Marci 8 years
I'm with Dear and bigestivediscuit. It's not you, it's her. And it definitely sounds like she's jealous. I would ask her if she'd prefer to be a regular guest rather than in the wedding party.
Zulkey Zulkey 8 years
Um, what about this scenario indicates jealousy? Maybe I'm just a bad bride, or maybe it's because I have been in this situation but i think the real psychos are not these "bad bridesmaids" but bridezillas who revoke this blessed position the second a b'maid ceases kissing ass. OK, i'm done ranting about this :)
puddlesworth puddlesworth 8 years
yep, she's selfish. those people are really hard to deal with. they put themselves first and don't care what you think. its better to not have to deal with them at all.
g1amourpuss g1amourpuss 8 years
Wow. She's jealous. And rude. Get her out of your wedding.
Deidre Deidre 8 years
When I read the original post, the thing that strikes me isn't the "bridesmaid shirking a duty" aspect. This situation seems to be more about a friend who said she'd be an event, made everyone plan the event around her schedule, then bailed at the last minute without a good excuse. Whether this had happened for a bachelorette party, a birthday dinner, or a weekend trip is irrelevant. Doesn't matter whether she's a bridesmaid or not -- homegirl is a flakey friend. Definitely understandable to be upset if everyone tried to accommodate her, and she pulled out anyway. I definitely agree that not all bridesmaids/friends need to participate in every pre-wedding event. Weddings & corresponding parties are expensive for guests, and I am making sure my friends know I don't expect them to attend everything. But in this case, I'd be frustrated with my friend too, regardless of the whole bridesmaid/bride aspect.
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