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You Asked: WIll She Ever Accept Me?

Dear Sugar,

I've been with my boyfriend for almost two years and we love each other very much. I recently moved overseas to be with him and things have been going great, with the exception of his sister — she has never accepted me and always treats me like I'm not wanted. In the almost two years that he and I have been together, she has never once called me to make plans or even just to say hi, and she has made her feelings about me very clear to him and his parents. It's been really hard for me to make new friends since I've moved and I always hoped his sister would reach out to me, but she's just made matters worse.

I know he wants us to have some sort of relationship, but I feel like she'll just never accept me. How can I handle this and keep it from affecting my relationship with my boyfriend? — Lonely Laura

To see DearSugar's answer


Dear Lonely Laura,

I'm so sorry to hear that your boyfriend's sister isn't welcoming you into her life, but it sounds to me like she's just jealous of the role you play in her brother's life — she now has to compete with you for his attention. You say that she's never made an effort to spend time with you, but have you reached out to her?

She sounds very stubborn so I recommend you talk to your boyfriend and ask him what the best way to approach this situation is. You don't want to come on too strong, but you also don't want to be a pushover, so find a middle ground and go from there. If she's still unwilling to let you in, you're unfortunately going to have to wait for her to come around. I know this has to be hard on you so lean on your boyfriend for support, but try to keep the issues with his sister separate. Good luck to you.


Join The Conversation
dikke-kus dikke-kus 8 years
Do you have a brother or sister? Have them give her a call and say they don't like the way she's treating you. They don't approve of her behavior and bad manners. Maybe they'll visit and let her know in erson just like shes doing to you. Have you asked your boyfriend just what the heck is going on? Has she made it clear what the problem is? I would find out if she has undermined other past relationships, or has some other agenda with her behavior. Perhaps there is a friend she would prefer him to see? l would find the best ways to shut her out completely if she continues with her antics. Your boyfriend will side with you to move on in his life. Focus on him and yourself. Invite mom and dad and forget her.
totygoliguez totygoliguez 8 years
Oh God I was like that with my poor sister in law I heated her, my brother and I were very close and when she came along he just stopped spending time with me, and I heated her for that. But I ended coming along, we are not close or anything but we are not mean to each other ether. I thing that if she does not want to be your friend do not let it get to you but if she is disrespectful talk to your bf about it and tell him how you feel and that she makes you uncomfortable.
sarah100682 sarah100682 8 years
Don't worry about her. Certainly we all want to be accepted, but if she's not accepting you, that's her problem not yours. Don't let it affect your relationship but not letting it affect you. Clearly he doesn't take her seriously, so isn't that what should matter? And if he starts to listen to the crap she feeds him, them that only says something about him. Sounds to me she enjoys getting to don't let her.
hills hills 8 years
firstly in time you will make m8s, go out to dance classes or start a hobby you like and find them, don't sit their waiting around if thats what you're doing. secondly don't worry about it so much! she's his sister thats all, it could be worse, its not you're fault she is being difficult, all you should do is always make the effort, try you're best to make ago of meeting up, and dont be too deep about it all, just have a laugh and a joke with her,if she doesn't reach out don't take a blind bit of notice its not you're problem, its hers, at least you tried you're best. ask your BF what sort of stuff she is into and then he will notice your are at least making the effort.
TidalWave TidalWave 8 years
why does it matter?
MissJules5x MissJules5x 8 years
sometimes theres nothing you can do. go out and be independant. make your own friends. go out and do things that make YOU happy and who cares what she thinks? as long as your relationship with your boyfriend is good and you are cordial with his sister and he sees that you make the effort to be nice and she doesn't reciprocate then that is her problem. sometimes theres nothing you can do. maybe she's jealous of your relationship. whatever the reason is, if you continue to be nice to her and you are met with attitude and coldness then everyone else will see that its her problem and not yours. just let it go and try to make other friends.
vmruby vmruby 8 years
It's her problem not yours.Sometimes personalities just don't mix and maybe that's what's going on in your situation.You can't change how she is or how she feels about you and it's obvious she not looking for a friendship with you since it's been 2 years already... Concentrate on making your relationship with your BF work.She'll get over it and eventually you will too...
sundaygreen sundaygreen 8 years
As someone who doesn't like their brother's girlfriend, there's nothing you can really do about this. Be nice to her but don't try to force any kind of relationship or be buddy buddy with her - she won't want to, and you'll just make the situation worse & uncomfortable. Also, please DON'T talk to your boyfriend about it! There's no use moaning to him about his sister not liking you or not making an effort - you're not dating HER, so all you have to do is be civil. If you plan on being with this guy long term (and it sounds like you're in for the long haul), just be as nice as you possibly can (even if she's cold & crap toward you) - that way no one will ever be able to point the finger your way and say you're the bad one in this situation.
Spectra Spectra 8 years
Maybe she's just shy/introverted and doesn't feel comfortable around you yet. I thought my husband's brother hated me for the first 2 or 3 years we were together because it seemed like he was always super annoyed when I was around. It turned out he was just getting used to the fact that my husband was no longer just his brother, but he was also MY husband now. It was sort of like he didn't want to share him with me. But once we started talking more and hanging out more often, he decided I wasn't so bad after all and now whenever I see him, we get along fine. Give it time; you don't need to be her BFF or anything...I'm sure she'll come around when she's ready.
Allytta Allytta 8 years
jeez, i should really read the message before sending it. i meant "maybe you should NOT worry about so much, obviously your BF"...
Allytta Allytta 8 years
she's jelous? i don't think so. i hate all my friends boyfriends and my suster's as well. but i don't demand their time. sometimes i avoid them actually. it's just that i feel those idiots are not good enough for them. i always see the flaws. anyway, to the girl that is not getting along with her future sister in law - maybe you should worry about so much, obviously your BF didn't listen to his sister and continued his relationship with you. so her bitching didn't work. and usually that kind of people will never see you as a worthy person, so no matter what you do - she'll hate you anyway. she might become more human, but behind your back... look out :) so just relax and find friends of your own.
dm8bri dm8bri 8 years
I should also mention that I love my boyfriend's sister, and she me, but we don't hang out without him. And, I didn't like my brother's girlfriend at first because I didn't think she was his "type" but as I got to know her and their relationship I got over it. They're now married and we're closer everyday.
dm8bri dm8bri 8 years
It seems from the wording in your post that you're waiting for her to change and make a move. Have you tried reaching out to her instead? If she really isn't into being your friend, you need to get past it. The more you dwell, the bigger the issue becomes. Obviously your boyfriend is still with you despite her feelings - that should be the most important thing to you. The best way to keep it from affecting your relationship further is to stop obsessing and make a life there on your own. Join a club, volunteer, make friends at work - whatever you need to do to make your new life more comfortable. Who knows, the sister might think more highly of you for taking control and finally seek you out!
aimeeb aimeeb 8 years
I agree just because she doesn't call you to hang out doesn't really mean she hates you. If she is cordial and polite and doesn't seem to stir up problems between you and your boyfriend you may be reading into it too much.
EvilDorkGirl EvilDorkGirl 8 years
It must be hard being in a new country and looking for friends. I had a hard time just moving to another city! I'd just assume she's not a compatible friend match for you, and move on to other opportunities to meet people. When you're around the sister, be nice & polite so if she complains about you, it'll make her look petty & unfair. Who knows? Maybe if you marry your boyfriend, or just when something in her life changes, you might find yourselves friends later in life. Better not to force it.
tyffi tyffi 8 years
Reach out to her, if that doesn't work you have to accept that she isn't into you - after all, you're dating her brother, not her. I'm a sister myself, and I'd find it odd to hang out with my brother's gf, or to even call her. She's with him, not with me. *shrug*
CaterpillarGirl CaterpillarGirl 8 years
If she isnt making an effort dont waste your energy or emotions trying to make something happen when it clearly isnt there. Maybe in time she will come to love you, and want to be around you, but some people arent wired that way.
candace87 candace87 8 years
Ps. the i in Will is capitalized in the title. It looks like Wlll.
candace87 candace87 8 years
She doesn't seem to be that bad.. she isn't trying to ruin your relationship.. just because she doesn't call you?! Who cares?! I would never call my boyfriend's sister. Thats just weird.
greenapples1987 greenapples1987 8 years
don't worry about it, you want to be with him, you don't have to please her!!
skigurl skigurl 8 years
and from the other perspective, i also love my brother's girlfriend but i would never hang out with her alone and i'd never call her up...and they've been dating almost 3 years and we've all gone on vacation together....and i should hope she wouldn't be upset by that
skigurl skigurl 8 years
that must be hard, knowing she's bashing you to your bf and their parents...however this comment confused me: "she has never once called me to make plans or even just to say hi" to that, i say: SO WHAT? she's not your friend....she doesn't have to hang out with you aside from family time and she doesn't have to call to shoot the breeze with you either....i don't think that particular issue should bother you....i love my bf's sister but i don't ever call her up either and we've never hung out aside from family times or parties when my bf was around she might just be jealous but i think that you should get over it. dwelling on it is only fuelling her fire. by whining about her attitude toward you, you're only proving her point - giving everyone reason not to like you if your bf doesn't care and still loves you then you shouldn't care either
Chouette4u Chouette4u 8 years
You'll just have to wait for her to accept you. Until then, being friends with her or expecting her to call you to hang out it just totally out of the question. If you might have done something to upset her, you can try talking to her about it, but if she just seems to disapprove of you for some unknown reason, just leave it alone. Not everyone is friends with their sisters-in-law or brothers-in-law, so you might just have to settle for mutual tolerance.
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