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You Asked: She's Ruined Our Friendship

You Asked: She's Ruined Our Friendship

Dear Sugar,

Over the years, I've gotten to know my husband's best friend and really come to think of him as a good friend of mine. He started dating his current girlfriend about two years ago, and they have been off and on since. From day one, she has been rude, condescending, and spiteful towards me. She seems to try to align herself with my husband and say petty things about me.

It came to a head a couple of weeks ago when she thought I uninvited her to a cocktail party we were throwing. In actuality she was complaining so much about coming that I just said she didn't have to come if she didn't want to. Since our little argument, she won't let me come over or talk to my friend at all.

I've tried to extend the olive branch and asked if we can meet up and discuss things, but she keeps postponing. He won't talk to me, and I feel horrible for this rift in my husband's and his friendship! We don't think she's a good person; she's manipulative and only looks out for herself. I feel like his is a friendship worth saving, for both my husband and me, but I don't know how. Please help!

—Unwelcome Willa

To see DearSugar's answer,


Dear Unwelcome Willa,

It does sound as if your friend's girlfriend has a very controlling streak, but unfortunately, there's very little you can do if this is the woman your friend has chosen to be with. I think trying to sit down and talk to her is a good idea in theory, but it's unlikely that her feelings toward you are suddenly going to change, especially if she's gone so far as to cut you out of your friend's life. But if you need to talk to her, and she just won't comply, go ahead and try writing her an email or letter. Just giving your opinion may not change her mind, but it might make you feel a little better.

As far as your friendship is concerned, I understand the guilt you feel over complicating your husband's relationship, but do keep in mind that while she might be manipulative, your friend is still going along with her demands no matter how unreasonable they may be. He's made a choice to stay in that relationship, while you and your husband are simply bystanders to her game of control. If your husband is concerned about his friendship then I think he needs to speak to his friend. In the meantime, stay polite, but maintain your distance. Hopefully your friend will figure out what's going on sooner rather than later.


JaimeLeah526 JaimeLeah526 9 years
I basically went through this too. If he choses to be on her side than so be it. I'd keep trying to talk to him and explain that you didn't mean to hurt his girlfriend's feelings and that you'd like to apologize to her. Maybe he can get through to her. If not at least you can say you tried. Maybe your hubby can hang out with them alone in the meantime and when he dumps the bitch you can all be friends again.
Kristinh1012 Kristinh1012 9 years
I'm sure he wants to be friends with you, but doesn't want to hurt his relationship with her. I know guys like this. They stick with what the woman in their life says because basically, they are weak and needy in relationships. I wouldn't take him stepping back as anything personal towards you or your husband as much as it may feel like it is. I'm sure one day you will have the chance to talk to him about everything and maybe work things out. But I would leave it alone for now. Also, the fact that you are trying so hard to get back in is probably giving the GF much satisfaction in watching you squirm and she probably feels she's won the battle. Who wants to be around someone like that. I would wait and hope he sees her for what she really is and ends it with her. It sounds to me like she was looking for a sorry excuse to ditch you guys and take him along for the ride.
Sporky Sporky 9 years
He's not a friend, if he's going to let her treat you like this. Distance yourself. I don't understand the sentence "She seems to try to align herself with my husband and say petty things about me." Does this mean your husband is saying nasty things about you too? That's just wrong! They all sound like they need to grow up.
Rozenaut Rozenaut 9 years
Wow, freaky. This is EXACTLY like something that's going on in my life right now, too. I agree with everyone else. Your and your husband's friend has made a choice. Unfortunately, he may not come to terms with what's going on until she has pushed ALL of his friends away... It's a bad situation, but the ball is pretty much in HIS court on this one... :(
sarah-lynn sarah-lynn 9 years
I just had the exact same situation set in a shared apartment! My best advice is just to separate yourselves from them. Your friend will probably side with her. You said that she won't let you guys speak to your him? Well, he's a big boy, and if he wanted to contact you, he would, whether she approves or not. As far as speaking to her, stop. she's going to twist everything you say against you anyway. You've already tried to reach back out to her, but trying to have conversation with her will be like trying to reason with a brick. You won't change anything, and will probably just tick yourself off even more. It sounds like you've already put the ball back in their court, now it's up to them. We have not spoken to our friend since we moved out 2.5 months early, which is upsetting, but I do have to say that my sanity is benefiting from not having to tip-toe around our his gf!
Janine22 Janine22 9 years
If she will not allow you to talk to your friend, then he (her bf) IS pussywhipped. The fact that he has been friends with you and your husband for years and will not even listen to your side of the story tells me that. Could you talk to your friend at a time when you know that crazy girl won't be there? For example, after he gets off work? Could you email him? If you could talk to him rationally and tell him what happened at least then he might he realize that it is his gf who is acting stupid in this situation, not you. Although I am not entirely certain if it is really worth this much effort on your part. I find it crazy that this guy is not talking to you or your husband. I think that if he really cared about you guys as friends, he would at least hear you out. The thing is though, if he is really blinded by this girl as it seems, he might be stupid enough to let his friendship with you 2 end for crazy girl. But guess who he will probably be phoning once the two of them breakup again? Hopefully that will be soon. The other thing I wanted to say is that I it sounds like this girl is really threatened by you or jealous of you for some reason. Good luck to you.
sundaygreen sundaygreen 9 years
You are never going to convince him (your husband's friend) of anything. The BEST thing you can do is just back off and not involve yourself with her (why does she even DESERVE a civil conversation from you to begin with?). And if your husband's friend decides to be childish and not talk to you or your husband (my god, you'd think this was highschool) - then so be it. Let him make that mistake, maybe he'll learn from it. I've learnt that it's always best not to involve yourself to an extent where people can point fingers at or put any blame on you. Usually people come out of these toxic relationships and realise in hindsight how wrong they were - but they have to do it on their own.
sarah_bellum sarah_bellum 9 years
The truth is, not everything can be fixed. As time goes by, your friend might wise up and lose the psycho, but he might not. No relationship can be so one-sided and survive, and right now you and your husband are the only ones putting forth any effort. Frankly, you've put forth more than enough. I think you should walk away for the time being and just let the two of them be. Hopefully if this friend is worth keeping he'll wise up and gain enough self-awareness to realize the kind of woman he has, and come back to you two with his tail between his legs. I'm truly sorry, I've lost good friends to bad partners and it's got to be one of the worst feelings I've ever felt. I hope for your sake he wises up eventually.
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 9 years
Your friend has poor taste in women. Also, he sounds p*ssy whipped. Truthfully, there's nothing you can do when someone is whipped. As said, he chose his side. He's aligning with his psycho girlfriend. You and your husband may think this friendship is worth saving. However, judging by your friend's behavior, I don't think he feels the same way. A friendship takes two. He doesn't seem interested.
jillerin457 jillerin457 9 years
Dear is right - your friend has made his choice, and he didn't choose you. Offer a perfunctory apology, and continue to treat them politely, but don't go out of your way. She sounds like the type to get off on making people grovel. Don't burn the bridge, because your friend could someday get sick of her, and want to fix his relationship with you and your husband. But this chick is bad news. Hopefully your husband has the good sense, or at least enough respect for you, to keep her at arm's length.
Marci Marci 9 years
That girl is just a b**ch. I know the type, and as Le Luxe says, you'll never win with her so stop trying. Don't even bother trying to get things straight with her because they never will be; something else will always come up. Just keep a close eye on her because any woman who will work that hard to align herself with someone else's husband is trouble.
Le-Luxe Le-Luxe 9 years
She is nuts! You have done everything you matter what you won't ever make her happy.
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