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You Asked: Should I Ask For Closure?

Dear Sugar,

I met the "perfect" guy for me about four months ago. We had great chemistry, similar worldviews, and we always got along great. He made me feel like the center of his universe when we were together and I trusted him completely. About three months in, what was supposed to be a Summer fling ended up getting extended because my moving plans changed. Around that time he started doing the ever-so-transparent freeze-out: our regular dates, phone calls, and texts dried up to once a week at most. I confronted him as to whether or not he was seeing anyone else or if he wanted to discontinue our relationship, and he assured me that he wasn't seeing anyone and that he was still very into me. I believe that he isn't seeing anyone else, but it seems crystal clear that he just isn't that into me anymore.

My better judgment tells me that I should let it go — I've already started talking to other guys and getting back out there. But my petulant side thinks that I deserve some sort of closure. I think our time together was worthy of some formal/official "farewell" rather than him disappearing and hoping I wouldn't notice. It hurts because we were honest and upfront from the beginning, and now I'm having a hard time remembering our good times fondly because of the way that things are ending. Should I just get over it and not drag it out, or can I pursue some form of closure so I can properly move on? — In Limbo Lanna

To see DearSugar's answer,


Dear In Limbo Lanna,

Being shut out by a romantic partner is incredibly frustrating to say the least — I've been there so I completely empathize with you. Since you've already done your part by asking him straight up if he's seeing other people or if he wants to stop seeing you — and since he's said no to both — I can only assume he's being passive-aggressive. I've come to the realization than men would rather dodge an inevitable breakup than use their words to end it. Not returning calls and avoiding the situation altogether is the safe, easy way out, but what these guys still don't understand is that we women would much prefer honesty; even though the truth hurts sometimes, getting closure makes it worth it.

Since this is still weighing heavily on your mind, I'd confront him one last time. Think about what you want to accomplish with the phone call or meeting before you talk. If it's simply closure that you need, ask him the questions you want answered and get whatever you need to say off your chest — this could be your last chance, so don't leave anything out that would prevent you from moving on. If he still tells you that he's interested, keep listening to your better judgment and remember that actions speak louder than words. If he's not giving you everything you want at four months, he just might not be the "perfect" guy for you after all. Good luck.


JaimeLeah526 JaimeLeah526 9 years
I'd confront him and tell him off for not having balls. Tell him that you found some other great guys who can actually pick up the phone and call and you don't need his lame ass anymore. I guarantee you'll feel awesome when you walk away. PS Look hot when you do it and wear something you know he finds sexy on you.
sparklestar sparklestar 9 years
Agreed with Karlotta!
karlotta karlotta 9 years
Don't give him the satisfaction of remembering you as the girl who came back one last time for a nag and a "talk". Make him feel like he's lost something, rather, by getting over him really quickly and having a shitload of fun starting NOW.
j2e1n9 j2e1n9 9 years
Wow some of y'all are some meanass beeeeeches ;) Anyways, there are other ways of getting "closure" than getting it from the original dud that spurned you. I recommend going on a fanciful trip to somewhere sexy and fun like the beach. Also, having sex with someone else makes for a wonderful eraser too! :P
millarci millarci 9 years
Guys are such cowards. Seriously. I hate it the fact that they hate confrontation. Grow some balls and tell us to our face. Not returning our calls and pretending that you dropped off the face of the earth is taking the easy way out. It only shows that they had no respect for the relationship in the first place.
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 9 years
I agree that you need to give yourself closure. It's not something you need from him. Once again, you've given him a lot of personal power over you. Make a deliberate decision that his behavior is unacceptable, and move on. Close that chapter in your life. Start a new chapter, without him in it. That's your closure.
princess_eab princess_eab 9 years
The best closure is moving on and dating other people! Trust me.... it feels great!
vmruby vmruby 9 years
No not if it was just a casual fling as you mentioned. Keep your dignity and consider his non responsiveness your closure and move on.
bluestar bluestar 9 years
Closure is something you give yourself. Would it REALLY make a difference if you had a formal farewell? It doesn't change the fact that it's over. Don't worry about it and just move on. You had a fun fling, that's cool, don't drag the ending on.
CaterpillarGirl CaterpillarGirl 9 years
Truth hurts.
lovelie lovelie 9 years
In re: "He really just wanted you for sex, its obvious. Maybe you should hold out next time the "perfect" guy rolls around." That is very rude, whether there be any truth to it, that type of statement is unconstructive and condenscending.
quietriott quietriott 9 years
where did this "closure" thing come from? a bunch of my girlfriends have been mentioning it lately with relationships and i am honestly baffled about when it became a thing - especially with casual relationships.
CYL CYL 9 years
LOL cubadog. Sometimes we don't get what we want...especially with the whole closure thing. Its nice to have...but its time to move on. Ask yourself if you are really asking for closure or hopping he has some fantastic excuse for his behaviour so you can forgive him and get back together with him. If you want closure...well everyone has has said it all...just move on.
Jammi Jammi 9 years
LMAO @ cubadog. To the OP, I agree that if it was a summer fling he probably wasn't in it for a real relationship, he just wanted a girlfriend for the summer and now that you're staying he's in a relationship he was expecting to be over, So listen to the others and end it yourself, you're already moving on as it is.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 9 years
What more closure do you need? Actions speak louder than words so regardless of what he says, you have your answer based on his actions. Take back some control that this guy has exerted over you, and force yourself to drop him and move on.
cubadog cubadog 9 years
You refer to this as a summer fling so IMO your closure was Labor Day weekend.
ilanac13 ilanac13 9 years
i have to agree with what's being said here. guys are sometimes very shady and weird about things, and chances are he's not lying to you about being into you and not seeing someone else -but sometimes it's the idea of a relationship that just doesn't click for them. what's his history for past relationships? has he been in any that were long enough or is this something new for him? i know that you said that its' only been just a few months - but i think that sometimes guys get skittish and it's just a mess. :( i would try to talk to him once more and see what you find out. maybe he's able to be more open with you and maybe you'll just see that by moving on completely - you'll be in a better place.
MissJules5x MissJules5x 9 years
i think that is your closure. its pretty clear he is no longer interested in the same way that he was. so its time to move on. theres nothing more to say than that. he was lying when he said he still wants to date because his actions clearly show otherwise. he probably just didnt want to seem like a jerk and hurt your feelings. i think he was looking for a quick summer romance type of relationship and now that you are actually staying it kind of threw him off his plans for an easy breakup at the end of the fling. its really time to move on... i agree with delia on either telling him that this is clearly not working for you, or just don't speak to him at all. i can guarantee he won't put up much of a fight.
geebers geebers 9 years
The best closure- the one where you just drop him and move on. He will come back because it will bug him that you didn't even care enough to get the closure he knows you want.
delia delia 9 years
I think it's clear that you need to move on, but you should get closure by telling him YOU don't want to see HIM anymore. I had a similar situation years ago with a friendship that became a relationship; after a couple of months, he wouldn't return my calls, he started canceling dates, and yet still claimed he wanted to date. I finally sat him down and said, "Look, this doesn't work for me. I need more out of my partner, so I'm calling it quits." He was flustered and upset, but ultimately didn't put up much of fight, so I knew I had done the right thing.
CaterpillarGirl CaterpillarGirl 9 years
He really just wanted you for sex, its obvious. Maybe you should hold out next time the "perfect" guy rolls around.
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