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You Asked: Should I Break It Off Before He Does?

Dear Sugar,

I have been going out with my boyfriend for almost seven months now and it's been great. The only thing is that one of my not-so-great friends likes him, too. My best friend said she heard a rumor saying that they are seeing each other "undercover," and talking all the time over IM. My friend also found out that this girl is telling him to break it off with me and he's actually been thinking about it. My best friend is not the kind to lie but I don't want to believe it. When I asked my boyfriend if it was true, he just said they were friends but that he thought she was hot. Do you think I should stay with him or break up? I really do love him like I've never loved anyone else, but I also know that love can make you blind to the obvious. I don't want to end up getting my heart broken.

—Insecure Samantha

To see Dear Sugar's answers

Dear Insecure Samantha,

There's nothing wrong with your boyfriend thinking that someone else is good looking — I bet you think other guys are hot too. The thing that matters is whether or not he's cheating on you. Jealousy is a nasty character trait which makes people do crazy things sometimes, so if you have no evidence that your boyfriend's been unfaithful, ignore the rumors that you hear. If you believe in your heart that he wants to be with you, then I'd stay with him.

The key to a healthy relationship is trust and honesty, so keep the lines of communication open and get this girl out of your head. Of course there's no guarantee that you won't end up with a broken heart, but at the end of the day, at least you can say you gave the relationship all you had before quitting over petty gossip. I hope things work out for you two.


Join The Conversation
hollowstar hollowstar 9 years
Pfft at least my boyfriend is smart enough to tell me he isn't attracted to girls he flirts with. Flirting a bit once in awhile is one thing, but constantly talking to ONE person is out of line. I would break up with him. If he really does just want you, he'll fight to get you back. If not, you don't have to look like the fool.
onesong onesong 9 years
I fourth (fifth?) the ladies who say read what Hotstuff has to say. And I especially agree with Marci, who says go back and read it again.
klandrach klandrach 9 years
From my experience guys rarely are rarely just friends with a girl without some alterior motive. Just saying that if he is that close with this chick and talking to her he might be hoping for someone more. I say this because even my boyfriend has told me that guys are never "just friends" with a girl.
DCRoamer DCRoamer 9 years
Right on, hotstuff! I totally agree that the poster should let everyone know their age (or at least a range) to help better guide everyone'e replies. Dear, is this something you can add to the site?
bettyboutique bettyboutique 9 years
Drama Drama Drama... Get rid of the dude... sounds pretty RED FLAG to me... and yeah read what Hotstuff has to say
CaterpillarGirl CaterpillarGirl 9 years
maybe you should write him a note, along with making a mix tape, that says "check this box if you love me" or "check this box if you dont" or "check this box if your doing my friend" seriously i dont understand how "I love him so much" can be paired with "i dont know if he is having sex with a friend of mine"
cubadog cubadog 9 years
Your best friend is basing her information on rumors and not fact which I hate. I do think your boyfriend is a liar however some guys just can't tell the truth. If you don't want an open relationship than you need to end it. It is not a race to see who can dump who first. That is a little dumb.
lemassabielle lemassabielle 9 years
You have no idea how much I hate when men are doing something and can't fess up to it. It seems like you really trust your best friends opinion and know she wouldn't lie to you. So maybe she is looking out for you? It's going to hurt but it looks like it's time to break things off. Let her have him if she wants him so badly. You can find someone 10 times better.
saranightly saranightly 9 years
I was once the "just a friend" to someone's boyfriend. We definitly were not just friends. Not saying that it would happen that way with everyone, but I would defintily be suspicious, especially if the information came from your best friend.
erratic-assassin erratic-assassin 9 years
oops, DUMP him, not DUMB, he's already DUMB.
erratic-assassin erratic-assassin 9 years
I wasnt there when u and ur boy had the conversation, but it sounds like he didn't deny he was into her...he simply played dumb and the *we're just friends* card. Dumb him and bid the bastard well, along with your ex friend.
sparklestar sparklestar 9 years
Easy.. friendship with her or relationship with me. =) Men are scumbags..
nicachica nicachica 9 years
i agree HotStuff! Age definitely makes a difference in some of these answers. Now to the poster- there are ALWAYS questions from best friends wondering if they should tell their bff's that their man is a cheater. Haven't you ever read one of these questions and thought "Heck yeah i'd tell my best friend if her man was playing her!"? Well here you go. Your best friend is trying to tell you that your boyfriend is playing you. Now listen to her. And then let her support you when you dump his butt.
hotstuff hotstuff 9 years
"Is this high school?" Seriously, I'm starting to think age should be a prerequisite for DS. Not saying you can't post if young, just that age does play a part in giving advice. Like when you ask a question you can post age and some other stats just to give more info into whats going on.
Asia84 Asia84 9 years
Where are all these cheating-bastards coming from???!!! this sounds like high school! i left that place years ago. . .
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 9 years
Is this high school?
snowbunny11 snowbunny11 9 years
As someone who told her best friend something similar (and I really liked her bf, except for his total player ways) I can say telling her was the hardest thing ever, and I bet your friend felt like that. Her bf also denied it, and they are still together. He definitely hates me now, but telling was worth it. I just doubt she would say anything unless she had a pretty good feeling he was doing something bad, because literally, starting shit with someone else's personal life is like the worst feeling ever!
pink_magnetism pink_magnetism 9 years
Doesn't sound like you trust him, and do believe he's seeing this other girl behind your back, but don't want to believe it. Since the girl in question is a "not-so-great" friend, if I was unsure if something was going on with them, I'd organise a group thing and then see how they interact with each other.
Papaya Papaya 9 years
Uh oh, I see months of spiraling into doubt and mistrust. I guess you have to ask yourself if it's worth living on the edge of not really knowing.
shugahxnxspice shugahxnxspice 9 years
Dump him. If he had any true genuine feelings for you he'd be trying his best to reassure you that the other girl isn't a threat. Get out of the relationship before you get your heart broken. Find someone else who doesn't have wandering eyes. And if he and the other girl do get together, well, "what goes around comes around."
bellydancinmary bellydancinmary 9 years
Knowing my experience with men and not so great friends...I'd say you break it off. From what I get from what was said, your best friend knows this girl too and she probably had to think for a while about telling you and to see if she could get more information before she told you anything. Your best friend wouldn't want to give you any reason to break up with him unless she is absolutely sure. You may want to deny it because you like him so much, but I think the rumors are true? If everything in your relationship is going okay, why would there be rumors going around? Maybe I'm too harsh, but I wouldn't tolerate rumors.
mlen mlen 9 years
i have to say rumors are usually just that- but "rumors" from best friends are usually their way of trying to tell you something with out hurting you. if this is really your bff and she has your back and you trust her- then i'd listen to her. and do yourself the favor- dump him before he dumps you and you feel bad about it. if you have to question him that means you really don't trust him. and there are many better men out there who you deserve
Marci Marci 9 years
Read what hotstuff said. Then go back and read it again.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 9 years
The bad news for you is, it seems that you're heading to a heartbreak. How long have you known your best friend? Is she the kind who will tell you lies? Is she the kind who will tell you stuffs to break your relationships? How is her relationship with your bf, does she 'like' him (not in a romantic way)? If yes, she didn't have anything against him, she must only be looking out for you and bear the cross of the 'messenger.' (You know how they all often remark that we often shoot at the messenger) I know you don't want to believe her, and it's a choice if you'd like to ignore her warning and continue on with your relationship with your bf, but as of now, you're getting to be insecure, suspicious, jealous and fearful of what's going to happen since he thinks the other lady to be 'hot.' If you're not ready to break up with him yet, the only thing you can do to keep peace is to not 'drill' him and just let things be (although if you're not too happy with his friendship with this other girl, you may want to voice your opinion). I guess, the phrase: "Innocent until proven guilty" may apply, if you don't want to break up with him. Basically just don't assume anything, if he's seeing her on the side, sooner than later, it'll be revealed and he'll probably leave you for her quicker than expected (unless he's being financially supported by you--or has some dependency on you). If you'd like, you may want to put on your listening ear and be watchful without giving judgment before you gather all the proof. And listen to your gut too, sometimes the simple gut instinct tells you there's something really wrong. If I were you, if I found that I can't trust what he's saying, and I keep doubting his words, the relationship may not be able to be salvaged. Not until I can work on my insecurity (if it IS my insecurity/jealousy issue and not because he's cheating on you), I will consider any reconciliation. Good luck to you.
legallyblonde legallyblonde 9 years
I am assuming that your best friend had to think long and hard as to whether she was making the right decision by telling you what was going on. I hate to say it, but I think she's right. Especially because the boyfriend acknowledged that he thinks she's hot. This guy isn't worth the wait, sweetie. Call him up, tell him it's over, throw yourself a pity party if you need to, and enjoy your newly single status :)
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