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You Asked: Should I Butt Into Their Relationship?

Dear Sugar,

There’s a woman that I really like and can't stop thinking about. We’ve been friends for five years; we worked together but I was married at the time. I think she felt the same way. We were always very flirty with each other and she used to say things like “too bad you're married.” We would go out for drinks, lunches, and work parties together because my wife never wanted to come. We kissed once at the Christmas party but as soon as we realized what we did, we promised to never let it happen again.

I moved to another state for my wife’s job but soon after she decided she didn’t love me anymore and we divorced at the beginning of this year. I moved back home and I feel ready to date again. This woman I like is with someone else now and it's pretty serious. We are still very flirty when we're together and I think she knows I want to be more than friends with her. Should I risk wrecking our friendship by telling her, or do I wait to see if the relationship she’s in works out? — Unsure Sean

To see DearSugar's answer


Dear Unsure Sean,

There is clearly a connection between you and this woman so instead of passing up an opportunity to be with her, I think you should tell her how you feel. Sure, it's a risk to your friendship, but there's always been an underlying attraction there so I'd say that you've always been a little more than friends anyway. If you're worried about her reaction, stipulate your admission by telling her you're not necessarily looking for an answer from her, rather you needed to be honest with your feelings. If all goes well, you'll be glad you put your heart on the line. If she doesn't reciprocate your interest, do whatever you can to not let your talk affect your friendship. If I was a betting women, I'd say you two are on the same page so my advice is to just go for it — you'll never know unless you try!


Join The Conversation
bjg007 bjg007 8 years
I'm going to say no....if it's meant to be, it'll be. She knows your single so the ball is in her court if she wishes to make changes.
mikeperryfitness mikeperryfitness 8 years
This for is a little more complicated than a simple yes or no. It would depend on how you really feel about this woman. You say that you "like" her. Do you like her enough to form a relationship with her? If you are unsure then you need to move on. If you would like something to happen and you have strong feeling for her then you must let her know. It will not make you happy to ignore your true feelings. If she is in a stable loving relationship with this other man then she will not be interested. If she isn't then may be it woll owrk out best for you both. If you do talk to her about it and she is not interested then you will need to move on and leave well alone.
hills hills 8 years
think about it, if you didn't Fancy this woman would you even be this close or even friends? i think you should just tell her and risk it so you can move on, tell her that you like her and that you would like to see how things go if shes willing to give up her other man, but if she just wants to start an affair while still seeing the guy she is all about the thrill of being caught and nothing else, you said she was flirty and said if only you weren't married and still flirts now while she has her own man, arnt you a little worried what she might be with other men if you two get together? tell her and get it over and done with....
opisnowpro opisnowpro 8 years
tell her and kiss her!!!
Janine22 Janine22 8 years
I don't think there is anything wrong with telling her, but I wouldn't expect her to just end a happy, serious relationship for the possibility of something with you. I seriously doubt that she will just drop the guy she's with because you like her, because it's not like she's spending her time mooning over you, she is moving on with her life. It think the timing is wrong between you two, and it just wasn't meant to be. You should move on as well and try to meet someone new. Good luck to you.
fancifulfabi fancifulfabi 8 years
I agree with Dear Sugar, and you said it best plus_2_kid! He'd just be putting out there what they both probably know already. It's not like the news would really shock her. I don't know if she's 's relationship material based on her past behavior, but I guess that's for him to decide.
FactCheckinCuz FactCheckinCuz 8 years
go for it!!!
ilanac13 ilanac13 8 years
i agree with this advice. you know - you had these feelings before, and you moved away and you know that you have something similar now so if you don't say anything then you'll never know. if you do tell her how you feel and it's not meant to be then you didn't really lose anything because now you're free to see if there's someone else out there who's right for you
plus_2_kid plus_2_kid 8 years
I have issue with the title of this question: He's NOT butting into her and her boyfriend's relationship. He's addressing HIS and her relationship. I agree with DearSugar on this one. She's an adult. She doesn't have to act on it. How is Sean doing ANYTHING to jeopardize her new relationship - if it's secure she'll turn him down. The only thing he is jeopardizing is HIS friendship with her, and I think he owes it to himself to be honest with her.
jojijoja jojijoja 8 years
YES. Butt in. she used to hang out with you all the time and she kissed you once. She obviously was butting in your business so butt into hers now. Jask... if the answer is yes, then she will break up with her BF. if it's a NO, then you should leave her alone forever.
GScott86 GScott86 8 years
Telling someone how you feel whether or not involved isn't always the smartest thing. Flirting doesn't mean there would be more. You can be involved in a serious relationship with someone and be attracted slightly to someone else, or be flirting with them, then end the best thing you've ever had for that flirt, and then it wouldn't work out...then what? Sometimes told feelings just help confuse and complicate things. Not everyone strong enough to make clear decisions at certain periods in life (and no, it's not always "you live you learn, it's a lesson for life...etc). Some times should be left alone, especially if this other woman is happy, and you could potentially come in the middle of that.
candace87 candace87 8 years
Normally I would say don't go for it, don't get in their relationship... but since she has already done the same to you, go for it! Seriously, I absolutely DO NOT condone cheating, but you two have already done it, you two might as well just be together since you already know theres a connection.
hokiepokie hokiepokie 8 years
OK ... A) if she knows you want to be more than friends with her, what is there to tell? B) don't do anything to break up someone else's relationship. that's just rude. C) is it possible the attraction is just because there's always been obstacles to you two getting together? D) this reminds me of my friend who is friends with a married guy -- there's lots of flirting, which I think is inappropriate but she goes along with it because she's confident he would never act on it -- and she doesn't want him to. There's a good chance you're misreading her signals.
psterling psterling 8 years
Really? I agree with Dear. Telling her how he feels isn't doing anything wrong. But if his feelings are reciprocated then she needs to end it with her boyfriend ASAP.
telewyo telewyo 8 years
Stay out of it! She obviously knows you're single now so if she wanted to get out of her relationship and take a chance with you, she would do it. Maybe she's aware that a serious relationship she has worked and built on means more than some fun flirting. If she's happy then you should definitely not say anything and if she isn't, then she should get out of it for herself...not for you.
otaku otaku 8 years
no. this is one of the first times i've really disagreed with dearsugar. seriously, why would you want to ruin someones relationship? and besides that, if she was interested she'd leave her relationship or tell you that she wants you, seeing as though she'd know you are single now.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 8 years
Leave well enough alone.
GScott86 GScott86 8 years
It's never okay to but into someone else's relationship. The only exception in my opinion is if the relationship is contaminated with about, and in that case there's still no reason to but in for romance, only to be supportive. Move on, if things end with her and you find each other, so be it, but leave it alone and move on.
Jude-C Jude-C 8 years
NO. And also, if she acts like that around you, what makes you think she wouldn't be flirty with someone else and have wandering eyes when she's supposed to be with you?
Deidre Deidre 8 years
Ok, whatever you have kinda sorta going on with this woman has gone on for way too long. It certainly wasn't at all kind/smart of her to treat you the way she did while you were married. And you're continuing this behavior while she's supposedly in a serious relationship? Tell her how you feel if you want, but if she cares about the person she's with, it really won't matter. Personally, I say that you've both wasted way too much time flirting with/teasing each other. Cut contact with her, and move on to looking in greener pastures. And for any future relationships -- nip this kind of "friendship" in the bud if it ever starts again! Good luck!
myystque myystque 8 years
I am going to agree with DearSugar on this one--the woman always used to tell you "too bad you're married", so now is your chance to just come clean with your feelings. But, if she doesn't go for it, don't bring it up again. Ever.
skigurl skigurl 8 years
it sounds like this was written by an 8th grader no, don't say anything. if you think she already knows then why put yourself out there?
Marni7 Marni7 8 years
It is horrible chaton, I have had that happened to me a couple of times (same person) it just complicates things and makes u doubt things you shouldnt be doubting
LoveSarah LoveSarah 8 years
You didn't end your marriage for her, so why should she end her relationship for you?
chatondeneige chatondeneige 8 years
Sorry, but I disagree with Dear on this one. The fact that she supports this is surprising. I had this happen this week, and it's a HORRIBLE thing for someone to do to you.
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