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You Asked: Should I Choose My Boyfriend?

Dear Sugar,

I've been with my boyfriend for three and half years, and he's cheated on me more than once in that time. Obviously we have a lot of trust issues, and in this past year our relationship has become even crazier. I've finally decided I need a change. I found someone else who just makes me feel happy; I just wish my boyfriend would do this. The other man I've met is married and has asked me to be serious with him — he wants to leave his wife to be with me. But I don't know what to do. Should I stay with my current boyfriend who treats me like I'm not important, or do I dump him to pursue the other guy who happens to be married? Help me!

— Cheaters Never Prosper Chelsea

To see DearSugar's answer,


Dear Cheaters Never Prosper Chelsea,

You're acting as if there are only two options — stay with your cheating, unloving boyfriend or go for a married man who's willing to leave his family for a woman who's unsure — but that's just not the case. You have the choice to walk away from both men. And in my view, that's by far the best option. It's clear to me that you have some issues that need to be worked through regarding why you're attracted to men who are not available to you, and why you're willing to compromise another woman's relationship even after you've admitted to the invalidation of trust cheating has caused in your own life.

You need some time by yourself to reflect and realize that being alone is far better than letting your life be dictated by unhealthy relationships. There is a wonderful man out there who is neither a cheater nor married, and as you learn to care for yourself emotionally, you'll see that waiting for him is the better option. In the meantime, consider getting a therapist who might be able to provide you with a new perspective on things. It may be difficult, but certainly the rewards will outweigh any short-term upset.


Join The Conversation
Girl101 Girl101 7 years
Sounds like you are cheating on your boyfriend to me right now and you are causing this other man to cheat on his family as well. Any other relationships you want to destroy? Maybe the pot should not be so quick to call the kettle black.
JaimeLeah526 JaimeLeah526 8 years
Definitely leave your boyfriend but I wouldn't be with the married man either. I think you need time alone to think things out for yourself. Why would you want to go from one cheating man to another. I'm not saying the married man will cheat on you like he did his wife but why risk it? If you aren't even sure if you want to be with him don't ruin his life with his wife. You seem like you're insecure and that is something you need to work through on your own or with a therapist. It's a lot easier to figure things out if you're single or in a healthy relationship, and neither of these men can provide that for you.
emmebeth emmebeth 8 years
Hello! Why stay with ANYONE who cheats...even if it's with you.
punjabibyotch punjabibyotch 8 years
lolz your dumb... take a break from dating for a while and build up your self esteem/brain cells
sparklestar sparklestar 8 years
designerel designerel 8 years
dump them both and learn to LOVE YOURSELF.
Frank-y-Ava Frank-y-Ava 8 years
I say dump both.
Fallen85 Fallen85 8 years
In the wise words of Annabel Goldsmith “When you marry your mistress, you create a job vacancy” In other words, if a man cheats on another woman with you he will eventually cheat on you with another woman. Move on and get some respect for yourself.
Mykie7 Mykie7 8 years
You need to dump the cheater. Now that he's gotten away with it 3 times, it's not likely he'll ever stop. DO NOT GET INVOLVED WITH A MARRIED MAN. OMG hon nothing could be worse for you! He'll tell you everything you want to hear just to keep you as his "piece on the side". You'll get story after story about why he has to wait to divorce her and so on. My suggestion hon, is to dump them both and learn to like being with YOU. Learn that you are a worthwhile human being with feelings and desires, and that you deserve to be treated like a decent person. I would also suggest seeing a psychiatrist. No, you are not crazy, but a therapist will help you learn how to avoid this type of men and what your "triggers" are. Good luck, BUT LEAVE THE MARRIED DUDE ALONE. Please, for your own psyche!
CYL CYL 8 years
Seriously?! I see several issues here. A) you are cheating on your bf... B) the man you are cheating with is married C) Its ok to be alone! Please don't become the type of women who can't be alone...even for a month. Please don't become that person that needs another man before they let the current go. Take some time out to get to know who you are and what you need from a man.
mix-tape mix-tape 8 years
Just so you know, those are not your only options in life. The decision is not between two guys, but a whole world full men that will treat you right. DON'T SETTLE!
thelorax thelorax 8 years
You've been hurt numerous times by your cheating boyfriend, and I can't even feel a little bit sorry for you because you're doing something even WORSE! You're tearing apart a MARRIAGE, and that is WRONG. You need to end the harmful relationships with BOTH men, get your own life together because obviously it's a mess, and then and only then find someone who is right for you, and not committed to someone else.
Muirnea Muirnea 8 years
What is wrong with you!?!? I agree with most everyone else. How on Earth can you come here complaining about how your real bf doesn't care about you so you want to go leave him for another jack@ss cheating guy. How can you even consider the option of helping a jerk cheat on his wife!? Have you even thought about anyone in this situation other than yourself!! The married man is just telling you that to get you to stay with him and sleep with him anyway. He's not going to leave his wife, because that way, he gets everything he wants, he gets a family life and then he gets sex on the side from you. Why would you want him anyway!? Be by yourself that's all there is to it.
Smilesp Smilesp 8 years
Dear Sugar is right...there are more than two options here. You need to get far away from both of these guys. Why would you want to be responsible for making another woman (the married guys wife) feel the way you do with your cheating boyfriend? And fyi, statistics show the married guy probably would never leave his wife for you anyway regardless of what he says.
ckeller825 ckeller825 8 years
if you were married and you found out your man left you for another woman, wouldn't you be devastated? hurt? maybe plot for murder (ha)? Don't be that girl. End your ties with this man, because he's married!!! It's just not right. As for your boyfriend situation, that's up to you on whether or not you want to be with him. If you guys love each other, you can work on trusting each other again. Otherwise, you need to leave him and do your own. But don't chase after married men, and don't get involved with them either.
Cynnie Cynnie 8 years
Are you freaking kidding me ?? Do you realize that you would be putting yourself in the same kind of relationship that you're already in ?? I mean, if the guy is ready to dump his wife for another woman, isn't that telling you enough about his character ?? You should just get out of both and work on your self esteem by yourself...learn to love yourself. Trust me, when you will respect yourself, you won't let these people enter your life.
karlotta karlotta 8 years
WTF???!! What is wrong with you? Two cheaters? A jerk and married man? You are no better than the douche who is cheating on you if you go out with a married man. Maybe even worse - you are stealing a guy from his wife. Listen, whatever happens, you WILL regret this. Married men do not leave their wives, they just say that because they get a rush onf endorphines, but they seriously just don't. And if he does, your relationship will be based of having destroyed his previous relationship, how great of a start is that? Stay clear of both of them. If you have any self-respect, and if you want ANYBODY to respect you too. You're doing it all wrong, sister. Wake up, please - I hope you are worth better than this...
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 8 years
Leave your boyfriend. However, truthfully, I'm undecided about your married man. I need more information about his marriage, and his reason for leaving his wife.
Melo-D Melo-D 8 years
DearSugar said it right. Leave them both. Yeah, you need to search your heart and see what's in you to attract these men. Girl, do you have any daddy issues? Because whoa! I mean, I know I had a stint where I was with my ex for WAY too long all the while he had girlfriends and sleeping with other girls. OY! Yikes! At first I was in denial. Then, I thought I'd never find anyone better. I always thought if only he'd change this and that. Then I finally said enough and decided to change myself and went back to my first love Jesus. He did it for me (and a slew of my friends) and He can do it for you.
bluestar bluestar 8 years
OMG, are you serious? BE ALONE!!!!!!!!!! BE ALONE, BE ALONE! Wow...get some self esteem and self respect!
ehadams ehadams 8 years
I agree with Dear Sugar. You need to get away from both men and get your act together before you date anyone else.
lauraxtc lauraxtc 8 years
sundaygreen sundaygreen 8 years
Jeesy creesy, NEITHER!
skigurl skigurl 8 years
Dear has doled you some good advice. get out of both relationships! someone gave awesome advice on here before, saying "he who marries his mistress leaves a position open"...don't allow this married man to break up his marriage for you, but also don't let your unloving bf who doesn't make you happy hold you down either move along and find yourself
Masqueraded_Angel Masqueraded_Angel 8 years about being SINGLE for a bit, hmm? Are you some piece of property that just gets handed from one man to the next? Or are you a strong, independent woman that knows a bad situation when she sees one?
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