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I Was in an Emotionally Abusive Relationship, and I Didn't Even Realize It

You Asked: Should I Confess My Love?

Dear Sugar,
Last year I met an incredible man who I love dearly. Our relationship was finally one where I knew that I had found someone I could love. We had (and still have) an incredible connection; he's my best friend. We recently broke up because he might be moving within the year and he felt that it would be easier to make the decision without taking someone else's feelings into account. It was traumatic for both of us, but we both want to be a part of each other's lives, so we decided to remain good friends. We are in touch almost daily, see each other weekly, and he's confessed that he misses being with me. He calls to say hi because something reminded him of me, and I've never had anyone I've broken up with do this before. I'm torn between doing what's logical and doing what my heart tells me to. It has been so long since I've felt this way about any man I've dated, and I want to confess that I still love him and want to enjoy our time together while we have it, but I'm scared of ruining our friendship if he decides that our decision was for the best. I'm going crazy keeping this to myself. — Just Friends Julie

To see DearSugar's answer,


Dear Just Friends Julie,

While I understand the fear of losing your friendship, what you have is much more than a friendship — you're in love with him! Typically when couples break up, they don't carry on a relationship as close as you and your ex have, and from listening to you describe his actions, it's pretty clear that he's not over you either. Sure, if he moves away it will be incredibly difficult to lose him, but you never know what could happen within that year. You say you've never felt this way before, so why chance letting him get away? If I were you, I'd go out on that limb and tell him how you feel.

If he wants to remain just friends, I advise you to keep a lot more distance than you are now. If you continue to talk daily and see each other weekly, it won't feel like you're broken up. Follow your heart, Julie: You'll never know what could have been if you keep your feelings to yourself. Good luck.


Join The Conversation
wolfie90909 wolfie90909 6 years
Im kind of in love with my best friend. Problem is,he lives across the states. Im not old enough to go see him, im under 14, but i want to tell him at least. When we were younger we used to play by a wedding place and ( we were three ) and he used to tell his parents he was going to marry me. He said that up until i moved away, when i was seven. I recently found him on facebook and i wanna tell him since i have nothing to lose but im embarrased. What if his mum finds out?!?
dikke-kus dikke-kus 8 years
It sounds to me as if you still love eachother. A friendship is a strong enduring bond that is a great foundation for a relationship. It sounds as if he broke up in order to preserve your heart somehow as he will be leaving soon. However in my mind that's because he may not be strong enough or willing to test the impact of distance. I don't undertand this because I dated and married someone in a another country and distance was overcome steadliy through commitment and communication. Therefore I would be guarded, and maybe wary of him for initiating this devastating breakup. You say he might be leaving soon? So he didn't even try. You say you are in contact daily and see eachother weekly. This is a ride that you may be in for a while. I have no answers, but be wary as I see him pulling your strings now.
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 9 years
I'm a cynic. I agree with Hotstuff. Something is not right here. I don't think he's into you. He's not in love with you. If I were you, I wouldn't confess my love to him. In fact, I would have evicted him from my heart. We wouldn't be friends, so that I could move on. I would want my heart to heal, so that it would be available for the real love of my life (not this man). I agree -- follow your heart. If your heart aches over this man, he is not The One for you. Pain tells you something is wrong. Do not continue feeling for this man.
JaimeLeah526 JaimeLeah526 9 years
Always follow your heart. My motto is love is always enough. If you love the man and he loves you there is nothing you can't work through. Even if he does end up moving away you can see where you are in your life and you might decide to move with him. It seems like you have a great relationship. I say worry about him moving when the time comes and enjoy each other in the meantime.
Janine22 Janine22 9 years
Either tell him how you feel or cut off all contact. It is the only way you will every get over him. I have found with ex's that having a lot of contact after you break up makes it much more difficult to get over them. I can't help but think that if he really cared about you as much as you care about him, he would not have broken up with you. If you really care about someone, you will endure a long distance relationship or spend as much time as possible with them before you leave!
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 9 years
He already broke up with you! What's the point?! He's just not that into you, otherwise you'd be going to with him. Not being his buddy. C'mon!
eliepoo eliepoo 9 years
wow.... with a relationship that was like how you explain i can't believe that you might let it go, especially since he is your best friend. i think that this relationship at least deserves a good long talk and he should understand that if he still has the same feelings for you.
ninjastarlett ninjastarlett 9 years
take a chance! don't let this slip away!
hotstuff hotstuff 9 years
I can't help but think that there has to be more to this story because it just doesn't make sense! He MIGHT be moving in a YEAR, but he just happened to break up with you and is still calling you all the time? Are you sure there's no wool being pulled over your eyes? Is he dating anyone else? If all you say is on the up and up then why would you two be so in love and torture yourself like this? If your willing to do a long distance relationship or hell screw the long distance, what about the time you have now! I just can't see two people who are so in love letting this happen. Does he not feel the same way you feel maybe? I think you need to take a step back look at this with your eyes open and if you know in your heart he's being 100% honest with you then you have to tell him how you feel. If he turns you down then you need to distance yourself from him because this relationship is not fair to you as it is.
tomatoshirt tomatoshirt 9 years
gooniette is right... But you know your situtation better than all of us. Just follow your heart, don't be afriad to get rejected...if he is a real man, he will always be your friend. If he chooses not to be your friend after your confession, he is not worth it.
Sydney-C Sydney-C 9 years
I don't know on this one...I would think after a year, if things were going that well, he would be considering asking you to possibly move with him (is that an option for you to consider?) more that just cutting all relationship ties. It sounds to me like you are enabling him to have his cake and eat it too - as in get your attention and adoration but not having to offer anything in return.
katiedid0985 katiedid0985 9 years
I say that you should tell him too. Be prepared for the chance he may not want to get back together, but then again he might. If you don't tell him you'll probably regret it. If he doesn't want to be with you again like Dear said you will need to give yourself more space to move on, but at least you'll know where you stand then.
lolagrape lolagrape 9 years
Tell him, but don't expect him to tell you back. But I'm always a person that says it's good to get that out. If he feels the same way, good to know! and if he doesn't, also good to know! It sounds like he's not really into commiting, but doesn't want to let you go either, which means you're in relationship limbo! And that's not fair to either of you!
karlotta karlotta 9 years
Take a chance! You have to! You must! And as DearSugar says, if he only wants to remain friends, you need to know in order to put the necessary distance between the two of you. Dating long-distance is not impossible. My BF and I did it for a year and a half before I moved to his country. If you love each other, you will find a way. GO AHEAD! If you don't take a chance, you will never know! Good luck!
Shopaholichunny Shopaholichunny 9 years
I think you should or else you will regret it. If you really truly LOVE him you need to let him know before he moves away. Good Luck and I hope it works out! :D
gooniette gooniette 9 years
If things were really that good, you guys wouldn't have broken up in the first place. I think he's using the moving thing as an excuse to keep you at a comfortable distance. He may still have feelings for you, but I think it's more that he doesn't want you to move on until he has and that's why he's keeping in touch so much. In any event, tell him how you feel and that you want to get back together. If he rejects this idea, it might be time to let him go and not answer his phone calls so much. Good luck! I hope he welcomes you with open arms and you can make a moving decision as a couple.
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