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You Asked: Should I Confront Her?

Dear Sugar,

My so-called best friend has never approved of my now husband. We used to work together but we're not as close anymore because I changed jobs. I started dating my husband when her and I spent a lot of time together, going out every Friday and Saturday night and we were basically inseparable. I revealed a secret of my husband's to her and she didn't approve of it.

Fast forward to now, almost two years later, we don't talk much anymore because she's always "too busy." I ran into her today while taking my grandma to the doctor. We were sitting in the same waiting room and she came over to show me a picture of one of her guy friends and told me that she wished I was single so she could hook me up with him. Inappropriate much? I was telling my sister about this and she told me that whenever she runs into her, she speaks negatively about my husband, calling him creepy and weird and says that we'd never last. Obviously all these things really hurt my feelings. Do I confront her or let sleeping dogs lie?
— Feeling Burned Becky

To see Dear Sugar's answer

Dear Feeling Burned Becky,

Let me first start out by saying that this woman is not your friend. Her childish ways are hurtful and mean so I am glad to hear that you're no longer as close. With that said, it sounds as though her actions are driven by jealousy. Since you used to be inseparable before you met your husband, she probably feels a little left out — like you chose him over her. If she was a good friend, she would be supportive of you even though she doesn't approve of your husband's secret.

Yes, trying to set you up with her friend even though you're married is wrong, but bad mouthing your husband is even worse so you can do one of two things. Let it go, be the bigger person, and have faith that anyone that knows you and your husband won't listen to the awful things this woman is saying, or you could confront her and let her know how rude and inappropriate her actions have been. Whatever you choose to do, be glad that you no longer have someone like this in your life. I am confident when I say you're much better off without her. Good luck.


Join The Conversation
mrtruman mrtruman 9 years
On the surface it sounds like she's jealous and isn't a true friend, but without knowing the severity of your husband's "secret" it's impossible to judge. If his secret is something illegal or "creepy"( as she describes him), than maybe she has a point??
LovelyLady8 LovelyLady8 9 years
Asis84 I think that you're being a little dramatic about this. That secret clearly didn't STOP the woman from pursuing a relationship and eventually marrying this man. Obviously, her friend has NO say so in her life and if she has a problem with her husband then she needs to go to the poster and express her concerns not run around town and run her mouth. It makes her look psychotic and like she is jealous of their relationship.
Asia84 Asia84 9 years
1st, she just a work friend. so stop being dramatic. 2nd, it's YOUR fault she has this opinion of your hubby. i'm sorry, but don't come telling me your guy kicks puppys, and overtly flirts in your face and expect me to have a rosey oppinion of him. . . AND expect me not to say anything. yes, i'm a judgemental B*TCH, but i'm human. I'm tired of hearing pathetic women have sh*tty boyfriends/husbands, cry enough rivers for all the starving babbies in Kosovo to bathe in, and then want the friend to just smile and knod. opps! your bad . ..shouldn't told her your business. Next !
By that, I mean, if you have a little argument, or your man does something that annoys you, don't run and gab to your girls about it. If he's beating you, or you just wanna brag about how great he is, that's fine! Extremes, anyone... :)
This is a good example of why you don't discuss your love life with your girlfriends. In the end, they can hold grudges for things you can easily get over.
emalove emalove 9 years
She sounds like a complete ass...I wouldn't even WANT to be friends with her anymore. I have disliked some of my friends' significant others over the years, but in the end, if they treat my friend right and she loves him, I will be nothing but supportive. I would never end a friendship or treat my friend badly because I didn't particularly care for her b/f or husband. You're better off without a "friend" like this.
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 9 years
Sorry, she's not a friend.
geebers geebers 9 years
While I do think this woman is behaving very immaturely and completely in an unsupportive way, I wonder what this secret is for her to be this way? Obviously if it is something that doesnt harm either of you and you both are fine with it (you and your husband) - you need to just call it quits with this friend but if your secret is something that is hurting you (or him) in some capacity perhaps she is worried and showing it in a very poor way. She clearly needs lessons in how to be a good friend no matter how you look at it and talking about your husband behind your back is not cool but I think it depends on the secret you told her before you decide to confront her or say goodbye.
hholbert hholbert 9 years
I was kind of in a situation like this. I had a talk with her. Nothing changed. Now we don't talk at all. She plays the victim like she has no idea why i don't talk to her anymore even though i spilled everyhting in black and white. This means she doesn't want to face up to any responsibility for her actions. I think this girl is never going to change, even if you where to talk to her. It's all in her personality. You can't change that and i'm sure you miss all the fun times you all had. If I was you, I would talk to her, if you think it would change things, which most likely it will not. If things are not resolved then try to keep things decent and continue to carry on with life without her as your best friend. I think she would say hateful things even if you were close again. Its a shame some girls are bitter like this. You know what is best for you and it has nothing to do with that stauts of your relationship with your boyfriend. I hope things work out for you and your boyfriend but if for some reason it doesn't, I still think you shouldn't be friends with a person with this kind of personality. I wish you the best of luck!
michelleannette michelleannette 9 years
i think you should talk about it. obviously the secret was something that must have been pretty negative for her to act the way she is. you know she is just trying to protect you---she just has an interesting way of showing it.
LovelyLady8 LovelyLady8 9 years
I understand your frustration. My guy and I are going thru a dilemma now that involves his ex who he has been broken up with for over 6 years.. Which of course the situation is a little different but it all comes down to ONE thing.. These women are giving their 2 cents on an issue that is totally irrelavent to them. Being the person that I am.. If I were you I would confront her.. I would try to be nice.. and say.. Hey you know I know we aren't as close anymore but I feel comfortable enough to come to you and ask you about some things that I have heard.. can we talk about it? But you need to beware because your big guns need to be loaded because she is probably going to FREAK. I think your friend is probably jealous of your time spent with your husband or she has a crush on him herself. I truly think that! But I think as YOUR RIGHT as a woman you need to stand up for yourself. Friends do not do this to friends and she NEEDS to know that this is ANYTHING but OKAY!!!!!!
erratic-assassin erratic-assassin 9 years
I wouldn't give this so-called friend my time of day. Hell! if you're happy, what's it to her? I wouldn't confront her, but I WOULD stop from taking her calls and meeting up with her...friends come and go, it's all good. You don't need people like that in your life.
mcreverie mcreverie 9 years
I've been on both ends of this. I've had a friend "not approve" of my bf, and I have a friend whose husband I hate (and probably always will). The bottom line is that SHE NEEDS TO GROW UP. If she really cared about you as a friend, she would respect your choices and really see that you're happy with your husband. Who cares who you date/marry? The dynamic between you and your friend should basically be the same. I suggest just keeping your ground and not being defensive. Just go about your normal life and don't hold a grudge against her/be mean to her (but don't be too accommodating either!). She'll need to come around in her own time, and not because you're trying extra hard to convince her.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 9 years
Why are you telling your friends your husband's secrets? I don't know what this secret was, but it was obviously divisive enough to make her feel uncomfortable about your husband. Maybe she's not jealous, and is just genuinely creeped out about what you told her? Does that make her judgmental? Maybe, but I don't know what his big secret is so it's hard to tell. And as for her talking shit, I doubt a big confrontation is going to change anything. Anyone who knows you and your husband will already have their own opinions about you two, and if they're easily swayed by a shit-talker then they're not real friends anyway. Either way, I see no point in trying to talk to her about her behavior. You don't want her as a friend, she doesn't want you as a friend, end of story.
almost-famous almost-famous 9 years
Your "best friend" is jealous. Which should be a common feeling with us women. However all the signs of jealousy is there. Sweetheart, its not like you bring him along with you to see her, so what's the problem. You need to let her know that this isn't high school and you're your own woman. If I was in this situation, I would have told her off and went in search of a better friend.
gossipqueen gossipqueen 9 years
Did he made a pass at her??? just saying.... she could be a jealous bitch or she couldn't...what was the secret that turn her off your relationship with him sooo badly??? maybe she relates to THAT more than you know and can't stand the fact that he's a reminder of something that bothers her.... your life...if you're happy you're happy...don't trouble yourself with poisonous friendships....
Lovely_1 Lovely_1 9 years
I would just forget about her. She's nto worth your time. Yea confronting her might make you feel a tad bettwe, but it won't change anything or the way she is so immaturly acting. Save your breath, and forget about it!
Kristinh1012 Kristinh1012 9 years
I personally wouldn't go all out to confront her. Next time you see her, just keep it short and don't be so nice. If she asks why, tell her that you really don't appreciate the way she disrespects you and your husband, and you're not into to listening to wise childish comments regarding something that is NONE of her business. Also, ask your sister to either tell her she doesn't feel the need to discuss YOUR husband and prefers that she would keep her negative opinions to herself, or if she doesn't want to say anything to her about it, ask her not to tell YOU about the comments she makes. No need to hear stupid crap like that.
melizzle melizzle 9 years
Forget this girl... she's no friend of yours.
mlen mlen 9 years
i'd say it probably wouldn't do much good anyways- if she's been doing it for 2 years, she's not going to stop- in fact she'll probably take your defensiveness as a sign she is right. Dear is right, she is obviously not a friend. my friends and i have all had boyfriends that the others haven't liked in the past. as friends we have all voiced our opinions maybe once, and then after that we were cordial and civil and as friendly as we could be to the bfs we weren't fond of... because that is what you do when you are a friend. if anyone else approaches you about her saying things i would just tell them that you know what she is saying and you don't approve, but you feel no need to stir up a fight with her since she is not a friend of yours.
Eternity Eternity 9 years
she seems shallow and judgmental, and avoids your attempts to keep the friendship going. it would feel good to tell her off, but something makes me think she would just make a face and say "omg, I'm SURE!". my advice is to hold onto YOUR high opinion of your husband, thank your sister for her sincerity, and surround yourself with friends that love who you are as a couple.
halfbakedjake halfbakedjake 9 years
simple answer: yes. longer answer: yes if you still want to be friends, no if you don't. And you're the only one who can figure that one out.
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