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You Asked: Should I Confront Him?

Dear Sugar,

I've been with my boyfriend for two years, and we get along great for the most part. He looks at Internet porn a lot, but it doesn't bother me except that lately we haven't been having sex that often, which makes me think that I'm not meeting his sexual needs. Recently, I found a picture on his computer of me and him with my face blacked out! It happens to be his favorite picture of himself — it's on the beach, and he's shirtless — so my first thought was that he sent the picture to some girl via email and didn't want her to see my face. Even worse, when I checked my email on his computer, the website was already open and it had another email address saved (he doesn't use that email provider) — "hungsd." Obviously I'm a little disturbed.

We've been through so many struggles in our relationship; we were even engaged at one point, but I called it off because I felt that I wasn't getting the love I deserved. We've made it through that hard time, and I feel like he's the one person for me but I'm feeling very resentful of him and find myself pulling away physically. Should I say something to him even though I was the one being nosy? I just don't know what to do.

— Sad and Shocked Samantha

To see Dear Sugar's answer

Dear Sad and Shocked Samantha,

You're resentful, and I would be too. I don't think checking your email on his computer is nosy. The username of his secret email account is certainly worthy of confrontation, let alone the picture with your face blacked out. While it's possible that there is a reasonable explanation for it, I can't imagine what it could be.

You should definitely bring this to his attention. It's likely he'll get defensive, but try to keep the conversation on the topic at hand otherwise it will become about you using his computer, which is absolutely not where the problem lies. If his response is anything less than apologetic, I would be very concerned. You've already encountered issues regarding his devotion to you and while it's really hard to admit, sometimes we have to do what's right for ourselves in the long run even if it hurts today. I wish you the best.


skigurl skigurl 9 years
if he has an email address you don't know about, and it's a "nickname" type address, ie: hung, as opposed to first.last name, then he's hiding something from you and he's emailing people who don't know his real identity
onesong onesong 9 years
yeah, i'm so sorry honey, but anyone who would be getting his picture with your face blacked out isn't just a friend. that sucks and i'm sorry. good luck.
Jesi_Oh Jesi_Oh 9 years
Dump him. Now! Blacking out your face is going to need one helluva good explanation let alone all the porn and secrecy!!
sugarsister sugarsister 9 years
at this point, you've got nothing to lose. tell him exactly how you feel and be prepared to not like what you hear in return. find someone else who doesn't have a porn obsession because this guy won't change and you will end up feeling very bad about yourself. leave as soon as you can. been there.
Le-Luxe Le-Luxe 9 years
I think you already know the answer- please leave him. Your face blacked out of a pic (for any reason) is a huge red flag.
vanyvrgs vanyvrgs 9 years
You are thinking of marrying him but you are not willing to communicate with him? You got to tell him how you feel and that what you found made you wonder whether he was having an affair. There could be a good explanation or maybe not, but if you do not have the conversation you are worrying about nothing. Once you have the conversation, decide whether it will work out for you based on what you find/hear or do not find/hear.
gossipqueen gossipqueen 9 years
*as either
gossipqueen gossipqueen 9 years
lol...JEBUS...leave the guy before YOUR picture ends up on the internet and either..."THE IDIOT" or "MY BEARD"..... run....
mortar31 mortar31 9 years
trixiefire trixiefire 9 years
Run run run as fast as you can. Flee, my dear. You said in the past you had issues of not feeling you were getting all the love you deserved, but now after all these disagreements you feel he is "pulling" for you. That to me sounds like he's just managed to fake it better, because with a blacked out picture and a screenname like that, if he hasnt cheated on you already, he will be soon. Spare yourself the pain, and get out as fast as you can!! He will always have one foot out the door, looking for something better...and YOU deserve something better!
charlieq charlieq 9 years
i agree with the first comment. it's despicable and desperate if he tries to blame you for going through his stuff. my current girlfriend has done it to her ex before so, even though i found love letters from her ex in her email inbox, i have not confronted her about it yet. when people have nothing to hide, they wont mind people going through their stuff. he's obviously not worth your time and commitment.
lickety-split lickety-split 9 years
i don't get why your face was blocked out. am i slow or something? anyway, don't even bother asking him about this. there is too much stress and weirdness in this relationship. end it and move on.
BeachBarbie BeachBarbie 9 years
Plus, I would get my freakin picture of that site, asap. (I can't believe he marked out your face. WTF!? And that fact he even put it on some website is just too sick, anyway.) I would make him get rid of it right in front of my eyes. Geez, what an *sshat. Take care, sweetie. There are soooo many great men out there..go for one of them. :hug:
BeachBarbie BeachBarbie 9 years
(First, I didn't read the comments..I normally don't when giving advice.) I would totally leave him. You're not even married to him..and he is holding back on sex. The reverse should be happening..or actually no one should be holding back sex. This is not a good sign at all. HUGE red flag. A healthy sex life sometimes is the only glue you have between each other through the hard times. And, you all don't even have that now. You deserve better! Move on.
trésjolie1 trésjolie1 9 years
Pack the bags all ready, and get out! Where ever you are in life, he is so obviously not there with you. Awful and sad that he would send a picture with you in it, and blacked out your face. Shows just how little he respects you. You being nosy has got nothing to do with this equation, and should not even be a topic.
Jillz1128 Jillz1128 9 years
The picture thing is so shady! That is not something you just do in your spare time or because you are bored, so I would definately at least confront him about that
michelleannette michelleannette 9 years
confront him if you must know the truth, but i think that everyone here knows that it's obvious he's up to no good. AND, you had the urge to go snooping around---people don't do that when they trust their partner. in my opinion, you should leave him. at this point you have yourself convinced his internet porn obsession is somehow related to you not satisfying him---that is absolutely false. this guy is addicted to the fantasy and in reality it may never go farther than explicit emails/chats/pictures---BUT, that is unacceptable. don't kill yourself bending over backwards for a guy who isn't worth it.
Jeny Jeny 9 years
I've been where you are and so have about 100% of all my girlfriends. You def. have a reason to be concerned! I would have packed my stuff and moved without the need of an explanation! It's true that every relationship will have ups and downs but you should absolutely DEMAND respect and honesty, because without those two crucial things, you're not in a positive relationship. I know it's easier said than done but we've all done it. We've left someone when we felt we weren't being treated and loved like we deserved.. confront him.. he will get defensive and that just shows his guilty conscience.. let him know you know and leave it at that. If he doesn't feel the least bit bad for doing what he did, he's not the right man for you (and I use the term MAN very loosely) Good luck
red4bonez red4bonez 9 years
You know what you need to do. You want to talk to him about it so do it. If he flips the card on you and say you have no right to snoop around well then it probably means he's hiding something. If he's guilty of something you'll know it right away. You know? And remember in the relationship you should feel secure. It is about you and what is best for you. Don't stay with him if you have doubts because you could be happy and you could be making some other guy happy. You know what I mean? So I say confront him but give him the benefit of the doubt but decide what you want to do. If your starting to resnting him now later on it will be even worse. Good luck and I mean it.
brittanyk brittanyk 9 years
Wow, definitely confront him. Like a couple of the other posts previous to mine have said, if he's not cheating yet, he's definitely trying to. If you've already had relationship problems and it appears like he's cheating, then maybe it's time to leave and find somebody else.
lemassabielle lemassabielle 9 years
It sounds like this isn't the only time you have had major issues in the relationship and if you stay it won't be the last time. Everything points that this guy is cheating on you or planning to cheat on you. Most of the time I try to find reasonable reasons for situations like this, such as a friend logged on his computer...but nothing points to that. I think it's time to leave.
Janine22 Janine22 9 years
Although I do not think marriage is the 'end all' of a relationship, there was obviously a reason you called off the engagement. Did things change so dramatically that you now feel that are getting all the love you need? It sure doesn't sound like it. Why waste your time? You obviously can't trust him, and you CAN find someone that you do trust and want to marry.
Asia84 Asia84 9 years
dump him. he's wasting your time. i'm too tired to pitch a fit about this, but believe me, he's a LOSER who jerks his chicken online with some cheesy-a*s screen name. i hoe you don't live with him. but if you do, make a plan, and move on with your life.
fireannach fireannach 9 years
I say confront him. You were hardly snooping, and the things you saw were not only pretty serious and dubious, but barely hidden. He'll have a hard time explaining his reasons.
sarah_bellum sarah_bellum 9 years
I agree with all of the above. This relationship sounds doomed, and I'm sorry, but you really shouldn't put up with such shady behavior. Why not send him an e-mail at the "hungsd" telling him that you know all about the crap he's been pulling and see how he reacts? Slightly passive aggressive, but really, he deserves a little spike in blood pressure if you ask me.
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