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You Asked: Should I End My Affair?

Dear Sugar --
I have been secretly seeing my boss for almost 2 years now. We have a great relationship and we are completely in love. He is married, but in a dead end relationship. He says that he is still with his wife because of their kids. I recently set a deadline of 6 months for him to leave his wife for me because I am miserable in this type of relationship, i.e., the lying and sneaking around behind people's backs.

The 6 months are about to be up but he has not changed anything about his relationship. I love him, and want to be with him, so how do I approach the situation without living up to my end of the bargain, leaving him? I desperately want to be with him but not like this. Help me please! -- Having an Affair Heather

To see Dear Sugar's answer

Dear Having an Affair Heather--

You say you have a great relationship, but Heather, it's pretty obvious that neither one of you is truly happy lying and sneaking around in order to see each other. Without projecting my values onto you, I think it's important for you to take a step back and take a good look at your situation. You are not only sleeping with a married man, but a married father who is clearly having his cake and eating it too. Ultimatums are always risky, but the only way to make them work is to stick to your side of the bargain.

This man might say he loves you, but it's pretty clear he loves himself a whole lot more. Cheating is a very selfish act, and while he might truly care for you, I think you will be better off separating yourself from him until he can make up his mind about who he wants more. Why would this man give up the comfort of his family if he knows he will always have you there too? Listen to your gut instincts here and follow the advice you would give to your best friend if she were in a similar situation. While I'm sure it will be hard to break things off, it will be even harder to continue your current path. Good luck to you.


Join The Conversation
manhattan-girl manhattan-girl 9 years
Oooh this is a messy situation, for 2 reasons: 1) if he doesn't leave his wife, it seems you are not sure you want to go through with your ultimatum. So if you don't leave, he will know you didn't mean it and not take it seriously. 2) You didn't mention this, but YOUR JOB. So if you DO decide to leave, (which would be the smart thing to do in any other situation), have you ever thought about how that may affect your job? Just somethings to think about. I don't have a clear-cut solution on this. Perhaps you should begin sending your resume out elsewhere...just in case things get messier then they already appear to be.
looseseal looseseal 9 years
The "home-wrecker" name-calling is a little quaint, but people are just calling a spade a spade. I'm sure she'll hear much worse from people who aren't online (like coworkers, relatives and his children) if this goes on much longer. He's getting his fair share of "scum" and "slime" names. Too bad he's not likely to read this, so people can't rake him over the coals some more, but there's no need to pretend she's some innocent fawn who fell into the trap of a big bad wolf. I was naive once, full of hippy-dippy "peace be with the world" optimism, and I thought I could talk a woman out of having an affair with a married man (my father). I gave her the same gentle encouragement many posters here used: "you're better than this", "there are people who care about you more than this man does", "everyone makes mistakes, it's not too late to end it", etc... etc... B*tch damn near tore my face off. "What makes you think he doesn't care about me?" She sneered (that's right, full-on sneered). "You're just an immature child, you need to grow up." I'm still too pissed off to laugh at the chunky delicious irony. Now I'm going to be harsh here and say that people who go into a relationships knowing full well that the other person has a spouse and kids deserves all the crap treatment and heartbreak they get. This is not even a values-based judgement. It's simple cause and effect. Simple as "what goes up must come down". This isn't new. It's not rocket science. Look how many people know that this kind of guy will get another mistress even if the current mistress becomes the wife. It's about the oldest story in the world. Yeah, there'll always be people who whine "But it's complicated!" Sure it is, if you're - to be completely blunt - stupid. Or willfully blind. It's as if you don't know the sky is blue and the earth is round. How is it possible not to know? The evidence is all around us! Or maybe you think, for once, all the logic in the world will go upsidedown just for you, because you are sooo special? Aaah! The stupid! It burns! I kind of doubt all the wise words from posters here will make you see the light. Stupid is as stupid does. People like you tend to think they'll be the exception and get the "happy ending" they want no matter how impossible it really is. Of course, you can leave him and make me eat my words. Go on, make me eat my words. I dare you. I double dog dare you!
desertbanshee desertbanshee 9 years
It may seem scary, but ya gotta leave! He's taken. How are YOU going to meet the love of your life if your not available?
elbgirl85 elbgirl85 9 years
Remember, be MS RIGHT not MS RIGHT NOW.
elbgirl85 elbgirl85 9 years
READ ME! Run away! No good will come out of this. <---my mom's advice to me in a similar relationship. I think the reason why this seems like a good relationship is because it's fun and exciting and dangerous! All of that is very attractive. However, when it comes down to it. In the end, he gets you during the day and his wife at night. What do you get? Nothing really...except being stuck in a rut. You can't have a relationship with him and you can't have a relationship with anyone else because you are tied to him. Doesn't that bite? Break it off now. You are worth being in an actual relationship with! It's hard, but totally worth it. YOU NEED TO BE MS. RIGHT, NOT MS. RIGHT NOW.
kmccoy67 kmccoy67 9 years
Less than 10% leave their spouse for their betrayal partner. 75-95% of marriages to the betrayal partner end in divorce. After the trhill and fantasy of cheating is gone and you are no longer in competition for the attention of a married person, real life intrudes. If you both haven't practiced self-discipline and moral integrity before the marriage, most likely it won't occur after the spouse divorces the betrayed partner. If those odds work for you, then it is your decision spend your time chasing married people, however, there are plenty of great single people out there without the life long baggage of having to interact with married guys children and ex if he does marry you.
graceunderfire graceunderfire 9 years
I think it takes a lot of courage to post this situation. I think you need to walk away from this. If you stay in this past the deadline, you will have lost all leverage with him. He's already disrespecting both you and his wife. Don't give him another reason to believe he is entitled to string you along. You deserve better, she deserves better.
DaddysDarlin DaddysDarlin 9 years
Come on Now, are you really that naive? Wake the hell up girl, this man has never had any intentions of leaving his wife and family. Never. He has managed to string you along for nearly three years now, have you a brain in that head of yours? Why in the hell are you allowing this to continue for one more minute? You do know what its all about, maybe you just needed to see it in writing. You must leave this relationship, its a dead-end for you. This man has his cake and is eating it to. Why would you allow someone to do this to you? To waste three years of your life. I feel sorry for you. I think you should tell this mans wife just exactly what is going on, she certainly has the right to know. If this spineless bast**d wont tell her, you could be doing her a favor. This man wont stop at you, someone else will take your place, someone will hear the same sh*t you have been listening to. His wife has a right to know, please break this off and tell this poor woman what has been going on. She might be madder at you than her husband at first, but for God sake tell her. The next woman might have a disease of some-kind, he might frequent hookers, he could very well bring home a disease to his wife. Would you like to be in the dark where your marriage is concerned? Do the right thing, you have done the wrong thing for the last three years, break it off and tell his unsuspecting wife.
beautiful1nes beautiful1nes 9 years
Honestly I don't want this to sound mean but what is wrong with you and your boss? My parents divorced because my mom snuck around and it hurt me very badly I didn't see my dad for months on end it was very hard on me! Move on can't you see the guy is already married and has kids! It would mess up that whole family if you kept seeing him. Thats so wrong i'm telling you this as if I was one of the bosses kids cause i've been through something close to that. Don't mess up that family because you think you love him MOVE ON HE IS TAKEN!!!!! He loves his wife I don't think he would have married her and had a family with her if he didn't, he won't leave his wife for YOU face the fact and find someone SINGLE!!!!
mirawilliams mirawilliams 9 years
No worries, that's totally cool.
ylime6 ylime6 9 years
i'm sorry but i feel very strongly on this subject and i feel no pity for her, nor do i have any respect for either of them. this makes me sick.
ylime6 ylime6 9 years
i never once said he wasn't.. i simply meant she should be ashamed of herself...but he isn't on here for me to tell him he should be ashamed of himself too and that he's a homewrecker.
ylime6 ylime6 9 years
yes it did, and they are both horrible people for ever committing the act..
mirawilliams mirawilliams 9 years
Because he's one as well. Share the blame.
ylime6 ylime6 9 years
she simply should not need any advice... leave him... it shouldn't be something that needs much consideration if she had any heart at all .. think of that poor woman and children. and she is a home wrecker... so why should we not call her one?
mirawilliams mirawilliams 9 years
She didn't yank him out of the marriage by force or by his genitals. I'm not feeling sorrow or pity for her, I'm just saying it took two to tango.
I personally believe that any woman that would go after another woman's man, deserves to have the sense BEAT into her. Karma should do the job eventually though. I feel no sorrow or pity for a female like her.
mirawilliams mirawilliams 9 years
I think we all agree that an affair isn't right or healthy, especially for the person who asked. Btw, I agree - leave for your own health, respect and emotional strength. But I was reading some of the responses - do we really have to call her a home wrecking whore, bitch and other names? She's asking for advice and to me it sounds like she deep down knows what she has to do, but we don't have to call the woman names. There are two people involved in the actual affair, not just her. She's asking about the situation, not a character analysis.
Oh-yea, in some states, his wife could sue you for destroying her marriage, and you'd deserve it!
ylime6 ylime6 9 years
Are you honestly going to trust him not to cheat on you after he has been cheating on his wife for this long?!?! Especially since with you there won't even be children in the picture and he did something this horrific with children in the picture. I totally agree with BRANDYNICOLE730.... dump him and tell his wife while you are at it..explain to her that she deserves better and fess up to being a home wrecker. How can you continue to do this when you know you are hurting an innocent woman and children? This isn't just your "horrible" life that you are dealing with here... neither of you are in love, you are just selfish.
No way a man will leave his wife for you. You are naive for thinking he would. Couple problems with you though: 1. The fact that you want him to leave his wife and children to be with you, makes you a selfish person. 2. Why would you want to be with a man who is cheating on his wife? Do you think you are so special he won't do the same thing to you? You should be ashamed of yourself for being a home wrecking whore.
vanyvrgs vanyvrgs 9 years
Please do not listen to working -- sad advice, but if you decide to listen to it as you may have deluded yourself -- please note that her situation is a bit different, she met someone who had reservations against getting married and likely made a mistake (albeit her getting involved with someone engaged and then married is sick), you encountered an already set relationship with children and your boss. Please get out....
NadiaPotter NadiaPotter 9 years
The first bad thing is that she needs to hear that this is wrong, when even she know it, but some people like to suffer. truths: -he cheats on his wife, he will cheat on you. -he isn't staying with his wife for the kids. -he cheats on his wife, he doesn't love his wife, he doesn't respect his wife, he doesn't love you, he doesn't respect you, he loves himself more than anything. -men that love and respect women do rights things, take right decisions, takes their time do to things. so, OF COURSE IS WRONG TO HAVE AN AFFAIR!!! (read first truth) so, we don't need to tell anybody what to do, because the answer should be very, very, very simple.
onesong onesong 9 years
I think blingbling hit it right on the head. What the hell is wrong with you? You do realize that you are violating the freakin cardinal rule governing interactions with women, "NO POACHING"?! I feel so sorry for you. You think you have a great relationship, and you don't. You are the second banana, my dear! He doesn't love you enough to leave his wife. He will never, ever love you enough to leave his wife. She's the one he loves, and you are the one he sleeps with becuase he's too much of a coward to say to himself, "WOW. I am having serious feelings for someone else, and that is an indication that there is something wrong with my marriage, and I need to go and work on it." As blingbling said, you seem perfectly fine with being a homewrecker...and to me, that's the worst part. If you expressed even one IOTA of understand of what you are doing, I might have been less harsh. I won't judge you, but I would sincerely recommend that you take a step back and look at your moral values. Ask yourself if you'd want to be that wife (and yes, my darling, no matter how pretty/interesting/fun you are, you COULD be, especially with the karma you're setting yourself up with!). Ask yourself if this is truly the life you want to lead. Then live with the consequences of your decision.
yoan190 yoan190 9 years
Why some women just couldn't understand the classic lie of "I stay in the relationship only because of my kids"? It's just a LIE.
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