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You Asked: Should I Forgive My Ex?

Dear Sugar,

I am a man looking for the advice of women since my male friends aren't sensitive enough to comprehend what I'm going through. I had been going out with this girl on and off for four and a half years. I truly loved her and she was my best friend. We were happy and we shared some of the best times of our lives. But a few months back, while I was on and she was off, she stopped talking to me all together. I tried desperately to get a hold of her but she never called or emailed me back.

Finally she came around again and asked for some space. At first, I refused because I was scared of losing her again but I eventually respected her wishes and let her be on her own but we never called it quits officially; the relationship was simply put on hold. Not long after, I discovered that she had been seeing this other guy during her "time alone." When I confronted her about this, she said she only wanted to be my friend and lied about her new guy so that I would stay friends with her. Feeling betrayed and led on, I told her that she was out of my life for good and that I could never be friends with someone who would break my heart so easily.

Two weeks later I'm still in agony over losing a girl I considered to be my soul mate. I need help deciding whether or not I should try to forgive her and talk things through with her. Could we ever be friends again (maybe more)? Or should I wipe the slate clean and forget about her completely?

— Broken-Hearted Brandon

To see DearSugar's answer,


Dear Broken-Hearted Brandon,

I'm sorry you're suffering right now. Even under the best of circumstances, ending a relationship is usually difficult and can require months of healing. The desire to want to right all wrongs is normal, but it's important that you view the situation rationally. Your ex made the decision to be with someone else, and in a meager attempt to maintain your friendship, she lied to you about it rather than addressing her position honestly. It could be that she just wanted to protect your feelings, but it could also be that she wanted to protect her own so she wouldn't have to feel guilty.

In my opinion, it's time to move on. And I think it'd be in your best interest to abandon the idea of a continuing friendship, at least for now. Give yourself some distance from this girl so that you can see things more objectively. If you decide that you can forgive her then let it be something you do for yourself to let go.


Join The Conversation
designerel designerel 8 years
She's not even worth being friends with. It's only been two weeks, I promise things will feel better over time. You're better off not having her in your life at all. The main goal to focus on at this point is to keep yourself occupied with friends, work, family so you don't have time to sit around and wallow.
Janine22 Janine22 8 years
Personally, I think that she sounds cowardly and dishonest. But I think that you should talk to her, because it sounds like you need some more closure on this situation. Perhaps talking to her will help you understand why she did this. But honestly, you sound a lot more mature and ready for a real, serious relationship while she is into mind games and playing the field. I don't think that you should pursue a friendship with her just in the hopes that she will change her mind, because that is just setting yourself up to be hurt again. I think that you should find a girl who is ready for the same things you are, and also someone who is honest. You sound like a good guy who deserves someone better than this. Good luck to you and things will get better for you. You will find a much nicer girl who truly deserves you.
JaimeLeah526 JaimeLeah526 8 years
I really believe that it's up to you to make this decision. I know that if it were me I'd try and make amends and go from there. You really don't know what was going through her head. If you love her go after her and don't worry about what other people say or think. You might be having another off in your on and off relationship. It's completely up to you and her and doesn't really matter if you look desperate or feel that way as long as you get what you want in the end. I suggest taking time for yourself and really figuring out what you want out of your life and your relationship.
heidi-girl heidi-girl 8 years
i agree with the previous comments. i went through something somewhat similiar to this, and you probably don't want to believe that she has moved on with someone else instead of you, but believe me there are PLENTY of other women out there who will treat you right. i'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. it's probably not the best thing to happen, but it will help you grow. trust me. just give yourself time to cope, and MAYBE after all feelings and heartache is set aside you can think about forming a friendship, but i wouldn't push it for right now. you need to focus on you.
puddlesworth puddlesworth 8 years
I dont think thats forgivable...:( she'd make a lousy, disloyal girlfriend.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 8 years
I know I should be more sympathetic, but do people lose their minds about relationships? I mean honestly, what choice do you have but to move on? You said yourself you couldn't be with someone who lied to you and disrespected you like that, and now you are ready to crawl back to her? Where's the self-respect? And for what purpose do you want her back in your life? Unrequited love? To get stomped on some more? Man up and move on.
lovelie lovelie 8 years
I am so sorry that you are having to go through this, fortunately, it will get better. I know sometimes cutting someone out of your life can be quite difficult, but I think in your situation, it is the only solution. Just go through every channel that she was ever in and remove those things from your life. She does not deserve to be pined for by salvage your pride and walk away. In my experience, forgiveness can be overrated in situations like these. Especially when it is not your responsibility to forgive her, lay the responsibility where it belongs..on the guilty party. I wish you the best of luck!
bchicgrl bchicgrl 8 years
Cut your losses, take some time for yourself and then find someone that will treat you right and actually be happy to be with you.
bluestar bluestar 8 years
Cut her off, I don't think you can be friends with her either. Too many emotions going on here. Do not answer her calls! Trust me, I've been there too...don't take her back, you'll just wind up in the same position. Do you want to do this for four more years? You deserve better and after time you will know that for yourself! :)
mlen mlen 8 years
honestly it sounds like she was using you while she looked for what she thought was someone better. you don't deserve that. i know its hard to break up with someone- i've been in your shoes too, but you gotta just try and move on. it still sounds like its one sided- you don't mention if she's calling you still and trying to be friends- you just mention you want to try and be her friend. right now you should take some time off for you- go hang with your boys and put her aside. take time to get over it. in a few months when you are more healed, if you still miss the friendship then reach out. but if you still miss the gf part of the relationship then don't- it will just suck you back into the emotional distress.
sarah100682 sarah100682 8 years
I went through something very similar. I dated a guy for 4.5 years and though our breakup was different, it was sudden and I was the one left hurt...and it was HORRIBLE! I never thought I would get over it, I moped, I cried, I was pretty pathetic...but you know what...I got over it and my life is so much better without that person now that I can think clearly. I was so upset that I didn't think of all the ways I had been hurt by this person and all the horrible things he did, I was just so over being upset. And you will get over it to. What she did was completely wrong and you deserve to be treated much better. It is going to take awhile, but you need to focus on moving on. You are going to be miserable, and nothing is going to change that...its the cycle of a relationship. But I guarentee you that one day, you will wake up and wonder why you even stressed over her. But my biggest piece of advice, is if she were to change her mind DO NOT TAKE HER BACK! You will thank yourself in the long run. Do not let your emotions get the best of you. I know you are probably reading this thinking, "thats so much easier said than done" or "no one understands how I am feeling" or "I love her so much and I will never get over it" but remember, you aren't thinking with a completely clear head right day you will. I felt the same way.
Nina_79 Nina_79 8 years
It has only been two weeks and sometimes a broken heart can take months or longer to heal, but it will. It might help you to realize all that was not ok in your relationship. You say you were soul mates, but why were you always on and OFF? To me a really good relationship should not be a constant struggle, but something safe and secure. You deserve someone that really wants to be with you and once you realize that and believe it you can move on. I agree that at this time you should not be friends, because you still want more from her then just a friendship. Maybe once you don't want to be more then friends you can be friends, but I think you might see that you don't want to be friends with someone who lied to you (for whatever reasons).
sundaygreen sundaygreen 8 years
I think the best thing would be to hang out with your 'insensitive' guy friends and try your best to move on.
ajennilynrushhh ajennilynrushhh 8 years
I agree with Dear and all the others above me. You really need to move on. She's already moved on and already kept her distance from you, so now it's your turn.
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 8 years
I agree with all the posts. You've received some excellent advice.
Berlin Berlin 8 years
You need to emotionally move on, keep her in your thoughts on occasion and eventually you two could be friends, once you are in a happy relationship. But don't expect her to ever be with you again, realistically. I understand her not telling you about the other guy. You have to realize that while you may have been very emotionally invested, she wasn't so she didn't think of it as it hurting you, especially since you weren't together (an ya have to let the technicality of being "on/off" go). I don't believe in soul least not a person that you are destined to be with. There are 2 billion people in the world and if we're just meant to be with one person? the likelihood that we'd find them? nah, there are people that fit us well, and THAT'S who you should be looking for. She's out there, but definitely, forgive you ex! She's only human! And she's trying to move on and find her happiness, so you should too.
Melo-D Melo-D 8 years
Always forgive. If you don't, she has power over you. Forgetting is a process. Trust me. It's possible to be friends again. But you have to forgive in love and learn the lesson that God was teaching you and allow the time to heal. I learned mine and look back at why me and the ex couldn't be married. Do I still love him? Of course. But, I respect myself to want more in certain areas that he can't give me until he learns. So be okay with yourself and focus your energy else where. The right lady will come along in due time.
Jude-C Jude-C 8 years
It's only been two weeks, so it's natural for you to be having these regrets and self-doubts. Give it another few weeks, and you'll see with crystal clarity that you are better off without her.
apma apma 8 years
I agree with Sugar. Move on. Forgive and let the relationship go.
ehadams ehadams 8 years
It sucks that she broke your heart...but cut her out, move on, and learn from the experience. It will make you a better person in the end.
jessie jessie 8 years
don't put yourself thru this....its time to let go. don't be her rebound guy...
lindholmka lindholmka 8 years
Forgive and FORGET!! Cutting ties is the best solution. That doesn't mean you couldn't potentially be friends in the future but right now you need to lick your wounds mend your heart and get back on track before you let this person back into your life! Keeping her around will only delay the healing process! Good luck!
HayleyStark HayleyStark 8 years
I think you deserve better than the way she treated you. She is not worthy of your friendship, in my opinion. I'm not saying that because she decided she didn't want to be with you, it's the way she went about it - not returning your calls, etc., then lying about seeing someone else. Forget her. And then call me :)
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