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You Asked: Should I Give this Guy a Second Chance?

Dear Sugar --

I have a very confounding problem. My boyfriend's best friend just moved to our city, which is very thrilling for my boyfriend, who has been pals with this guy since childhood, however, he not only has a severe drinking problem (a functioning alcoholic, if you will) but spent his last visit saying offensive things to complete strangers and (here it comes) touching me inappropriately.

We were in a large crowd at a concert and I guess he thought he could sneak in a few hip grabs, "accidental" ass brushes and hand holds (all of which I thwarted). It made me incredibly uncomfortable and was amplified by the fact that he was wasted. By the end of the concert, he was picking fights, attracting unwanted attention from security guards, shouting and throwing stuff. Finally, THIS was the most disturbing and worrisome thing: at one point when I was talking to my boyfriend, he leaned over and very purposefully put the flame of a lit lighter right underneath my calf, giving me a tremendous scare and almost burning me. My boyfriend only witnessed this particular incident and verbally chastised him but later seemed to chalk it up to a "haha, he's just crazy like that" moment.

I am obviously in shock and total awe that this person will now be a permanent fixture in our lives. The friend is also very demanding of my boyfriend's time and seems to be borderline obsessed with him. To make matters worse, he will be staying in my boyfriend's apartment until he can find his own place.

My boyfriend is not oblivious of his friend's problems and has expressed concern for the amount of time and energy he will require, but he insists that he just wants to help give the guy a chance to straighten out his life and succeed. I respect his rationale and have not raised a single complaint about this impending event, but how on earth do I cope with this person? I would never try to come between them but I will certainly not sit around and let him drunkenly grope me. I haven't mentioned this stuff to my boyfriend yet and don't know if I should sit on these feelings until I see they're justified or go ahead and tell the boyfriend about my worry over his friend's shenanigans, which could potentially wound their friendship. I mean, should I be giving this guy a second chance? Opinions please! --Stuck in Between a Rock Rachel

To see Dear Sugar's answer

Dear Stuck in Between a Rock Rachel --

Let me first say that you are being very mature about this whole situation, however I am far from excusing this guy's behavior. It's totally inappropriate for him to grab at you and physically harm you, even though he meant the lighter incident to be playful. I understand that you don't want to get in between their friendship, but what kind of a friend is this guy to your boyfriend if he is making you feel uncomfortable? Not a very good one if you ask me.

If you're not quite ready to rock the boat and are willing to give him a chance to redeem himself, could you ask your boyfriend to move in with you until he finds his own place? That way you can keep more distance from him and he can get a taste for what "real life" would be for him once he gets settled. If they stay together in his apartment, it's going to feel like vacation for both of them making it easier to get into some good old buddy trouble together, aka over drinking, saying offensive things to complete strangers, or even mishandling you. Since your boyfriend is aware of his shenanigans, hopefully he can set a good example and keep him in line so he does have that chance to straighten out his life and succeed like he says he wants to do at this time.

In the meantime, if this guy keeps up his derelict behavior and continues to make you feel uncomfortable, you're going to have to speak up. I can guarantee you that your boyfriend would want to know what's going on between you two. Good luck and I hope everything works out!


Join The Conversation
pintsized pintsized 9 years
The minute my boyfriend tries the "haha hes just crazy like that" on me I'd dump his a**. And I would suggest the same to you.
I think it is important to inform your man of the fact that his best friend was groping you. You have to make sure you do this at a proper time, as to be sure he believes you, and not think you are just trying to wreck his friendship. No guy wants his friend to grope his girlfriend, or make her feel uncomfortable for that matter.
Masqueraded_Angel Masqueraded_Angel 9 years
If I were you, I would be absolutely FURIOUS about this. Why does he need to stay with your bf? Does he not have a job? Can he not look in the classifieds for a roommate to rent from? Someone OTHER than your bf? Because I guarantee you that if he stays with your bf, you're going to walk in and find beer bottles and cans all over the place with both of them wasted at one point in time. Tell your bf what happened, then suggest that his "friend" find somewhere else to live. I would NOT put up with this, bf or not.
Highball Highball 9 years
Lets be real, he’s your boyfriend, not yet a life partner? First I don’t think this is a time to try to push your relationship with your bf, so moving in together is likely to create more problems, not less. But it is a time to develop your relationship and test whether it can be made stronger. You have to look at it from you bfs point of view, that doesn’t mean doing it his way or accepting his current attitude, but, can you lean to work it out together? So start communicating with him. First this is an old friend, maybe someone he was once very close to and did some very important growing up with. So, he is not, to your bf anyway, just some worthless bum off the street. He is a very good friend having a hard time. If a hard time comes into your relationship, will you just kick him out or should he kick you out without trying? He, your bf, has to try to help someone he loves, but times have changed and so have all three of your priorities. Yours is now working together, his friend has gone astray. Chances, at the moment at least, his friend is the bum you think, but redeemable ?, who knows. But while developing your relationship can he also help his friend? Which to him will be more important? Time will tell, he must make that decision, and if you make it for him, you’re off to a bad start, and maybe for now, time and emotion may actually be with his friend if pushed. If he is to be your life partner, his friends must be yours. So start working. That doesn’t mean, again, that you have to be friends with this guy or even put up with his grouping and asinine behavior, but don’t be a whining tattle tale yet. . You sound level headed and considerate. First let him [bf] know his friend makes you very uncomfortable and you want to help him, help his friend, but you don’t know him and it’s far more than that, which makes you uncomfortable. The conversation or future conversations should flow into the details that justifiably trouble you, and hopefully solutions to both the problem and relationship, but don’t push it at first. Your testing new water, you will do it for the rest of your life hopefully. It may not come easy, but learn from it. Go forward, with your boyfriend, and see if he stays that way.
lemuse20 lemuse20 9 years
I hate guys like that. They can be pretty scary to be around. I would definitely NOT sit on it and wait till it's too late, when something severly inappropriate happens - as if being violated and singed isn't enough! Just don't even let it go there, just for proof! You know that this guy is bad news, and if your boyfriend still thinks "Oh he's just crazy like that" after you tell him what's been going on and how you feel about it, then you should rethink your relationship with your boyfriend.
cubadog cubadog 9 years
First, I am really shocked you didn't say anything about the groping drunk or not it made you uncomfortable. I think you should have a come to Jesus as I like to say with your boyfriend and let him know exactly why you are uncomfortable. Your boyfriend my tire of all his antics if you can call being obnoxious antics and kick him to the curb.
Jillybeanz238 Jillybeanz238 9 years
First, I am very sorry that this "friend" of your boyfriend's is making you feel this uncomfortable. No one should ever make you feel like this and if they do, you have every right to demand that they stop. You are very strong and wise to address this problem now, before it is too late. Second, if it was me, I would have to ask myself some serious questions: Am I afraid my boyfriend will start acting like this guy? Could this guy seriously endanger my boyfriend's or my own safety or life? How serious is my realtionship with my boyfriend (i.e. can I see myself spending the rest of my life with him) and would I ever feel comfotable having this person be in our lives behaving this way? Once you can honestly answer these questions, you may be able to look inside your heart and find the answer. Other than that I agree with what the others have posted already. I wish you luck and strength.
lemassabielle lemassabielle 9 years
I think if I was in your situation I would be incredibly nervous and scared. So the one that should be giving distance is you. I think your boyfriend probably knows he has a problem. It seems pretty obvious and of course he isn't going to acknowledge it. Why would he want to think anything is wrong with his best friend? this guy is probably also taking up his time because your boyfriend is the only one that puts up with his behavior. I wonder why he moved, maybe because he burned all of his bridges? What you should be worrying about now is him dragging your boyfriend down in his shady behavior. Pop sugar is right, you are being really mature in this situation so major props to you. I would have probably just stopped seeing my boyfriend completely if it was me.
Lovely_1 Lovely_1 9 years
Ewww he groped you?! One of my boyfirends friends did that once and I todl my boyfriend and to this day he won't speak to him. It's digusting and crude to think you can grope and say "sexy" things to your friends girlfriend. I feel for you girl :(
mabess mabess 9 years
I think you need to be entirely honest with your bf. He needs to put your safety and level of comfort about his messed up friend's. And he needs to realize he can't be responsible for another human being. With people like this guy, you can't really help them until they help themselves. Him staying with your bf sounds like a lot of trouble, and I think will probably end their friendship anyways (unless your bf is a really really patient guy.) Until he gets serious help, I don't think you should put yourself in a position where he can take advantage of you again. Next time, he could take it even farther and it could be too late.
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