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You Asked: Should I Go to His Wedding?

DearSugar --

My ex is getting married. We were together for three years, and it was a bad relationship. And it hurt me when, in the course one month, he moved on, got the girl pregnant, and is now getting married. I'm over him, and I don't hate him, though people say I should. But hate takes up too much energy.

We remain friends, and he's asked me to attend the wedding, but I don't know if it is the right idea. I am leaning towards not going, but I do want to show my support.

Can you help? Accepting Amelia

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Accepting Amelia --

It's both generous and kind of you to want to show support and goodwill toward your ex. I've been to and in many weddings, and the guests frequently include an ex or two. However, in all those cases, a good period time has passed and a good deal of healing has occurred. I sense you are still grieving, but are also resolved and philosophical, Amelia. It seems to me you also have a strong mind and know the relationship couldn't and wouldn't work. I'm afraid that kind of knowledge isn't the same thing as healing, though, and the heart always seems to need time to catch up with our decisions.

A wedding is a celebration and a beginning, and perhaps it is not yet time for you to celebrate with your ex. You can forgive him, and forgive yourself, and that's quite a lot right now. That's an awful lot really, Accepting Amelia. It is not a breach of friendship or support to believe it's not yet time and not yet wise to be a part of this event. A nice letter or card, expressing your encouragement, should be appreciated and understood.

You said you were leaning towards not going, and I think your instincts are looking after you. I trust you to trust yourself with this, Amelia. You've come a long way through something, I suspect. Maybe you can rest for a little while, and give yourself that extra support instead?


Join The Conversation
andaman andaman 10 years
Don't go please. I think you might have good intention but perhaps the bride doesn't think so! To be honest it is just too tricky. I don't think they will think you are rude for not coming or anything like that. If I were you I would send them a card and a small gift like everyone else has suggested. I am sure if he has moved on you can meet up for a drink one day.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 10 years
Agree with everyone about not going. Sending a card or small gift would be nice also.
lickety-split lickety-split 10 years
well you said you consider him a friend so i would say yes, you support friends by going to important events in their life. but WHY do you consider him a friend? based on what you say happened between you 2 it sounds like you may have been his friend but he wasn't yours. might be a better idea to use his wedding as a date to start a new beginning for both of you.
kendalheart kendalheart 10 years
I agree with you cubadog, there is no reason to go. I dont think that lunch with bride and groom is a good idea either though, that is just weird to me
cubadog cubadog 10 years
I think deep down you know the answer. Send your regrets and a small gift.
grl-in-the-world grl-in-the-world 10 years
I agree, it sounds like you already know what you should do, so just trust your instincts on this one. Even though you are friends now, I'm sure he would undersatnd if you told him you have other plans for tht date. Send him a card wishing him and his new bride happiness and like Marci said, plan your own fun for that day.
Marci Marci 10 years
I say always trust your gut feeling. Always. Send your regrets along with a small gift and then make other plans for the day of the wedding to do something you absolutely love to do.
PinkSparkleGrl PinkSparkleGrl 10 years
If you feel uncomfortable going, send a personal card and a present, maybe have lunch with the bride and groom, but don't go to the wedding. Think of the bride may be stressful if her new mans ex is at her wedding. But I do not know the situation. Go with your gut!
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