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You Asked: Should I Be the Good Girl?

Dear Sugar--

My Ex and I just went through an ugly break up - we lived together so it's more like a divorce. I moved out and now we fight over what's mine and what's his. I'm just trying to get past it all, he was horrible to me (lying, cheating, made me feel like I meant nothing). I've been hanging out with one of his friends, and there is definitely attraction there. We haven't gone all the way yet, and it's very tempting...I'm not sure if I want to do it to get back at the ex, or if I'm just plain horny and want to get some action.

There is another guy I've been seeing that I really like too, but he went on a long trip, so I've been forced to be alone (which is fine, I needed it), and I just find myself hanging out with my ex's friend even more. I don't feel bad about it, and neither does he but I'm torn between being the good girl and doing what might be the right thing, and being the newly single girl who says F-it, and enjoys some time in between the sheets. The ex as far as I know has no clue. Help? Has anyone out there been in this situation?

--Torn Tara

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Torn Tara--

I commend you for being mature enough to even think about your Ex's feelings, and whether or not it is socially acceptable to date within his circle for friends although you've already crossed that line, since you have been fooling around. (It doesn't matter that you haven't "gone all the way.")

It sounds like the relationship with your Ex was bad, and the break-up was even worse. How close is this friend with your Ex? Every situation is different, but since you both don't feel bad about what's your doing, I think it's fine to date him if you genuinely have feelings for him, but think about it carefully. If you are doing it just to get back at your Ex or to make him jealous, then it's only going to end up hurting you and your relationship with your Ex's friend more than who your actions are directed at in the first place, not to mention how hurt he will feel about being used by you.

Break-ups are tough, and the idea of being alone is a scary thing, but having some "single" time can really help build up your self-esteem and make you a stronger person. You've got a void in your heart so give it a chance to heal completely before filling it with someone else. Before you get involved in any new relationship, just make sure you're ready for it. Good luck Tara!


Join The Conversation
ginghamgirl ginghamgirl 9 years
This is trouble waiting to happen. Don't give into the impulse and think things through. Dating is good but getting frisky under the sheets is something you should avoid. So yeah, as everyone has been saying, take the high road... it'll take you to a much better place in the far future.
SpanishRose SpanishRose 9 years
Whatever the situation-always be a lady. Take the high road, even if others don't.
ailene ailene 9 years
I agree with Jaxon... earlier I said pick one person and be loyal... but Jaxon's advice is better than mine. It's something that I tell my friends all the time. You can date as many guys as you want, and not worry about commitment until you get married. However, you should NOT sleep around with guys... like I said before... it's dangerous and not worth an STD.
jaxon jaxon 9 years
I say have a little fun. Not get crazy and slutty. You don't and SHOULDNT at this point commit to anyone. Date around (not sleep around) enjoy yourself and have fun. If that includes the ex's friend so be it.
sparklestar sparklestar 9 years
Sounds like somebody is on the rebound. You just got out of a serious relationship and straight into not one, but two more. I cannot comment really - I do the same thing because I have low self esteem and cannot cope on my own. I think you need to take a step back. If your ex's friend really does like you then he'll respect that you need some time to collate your thoughts, get your head together and sort yourself out. Now is not the time to be saying "fuck it, let's get busy again" it's time to take a breather from guys and let yourself repair. Otherwise you'll be an emotional wreck and it'll have a knock on effect for any future long-term relationships you may enter into. I think you have confirmed for yourself that you certainly can get another guy - make your self esteem took a knock after your ex cheated and lied to you? You don't need other people to confirm this for you though. You need to know that you are pretty, you are worthwhile and that you can stand on your own two feet without a guy to prop you up. Oh, if only I could follow my own advice. =) Good luck and take care of yourself. YOU come first.
ailene ailene 9 years
You said that you might consider being "newly single girl who says F-it, and enjoys some time in between the sheets." I don't recommend that. It's not safe to sleep with multiple partners, even with protection. That puts you at a higher risk for STD's. Putting yourself at that risk (and possibly contracting an STD) is NOT worth time between the sheets. Pick one man and be loyal.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 9 years
After a break up, the only thing you have control over is how you handle yourself. I think the aim is to act with as much dignity as possible and try to move on, despite what he did to you. If any part of you is doing this for revenge, I would strongly reconsider. I find that typically you only end up hurting yourself in circumstances like these. By keeping the exes friend around, you are keeping a link to your ex, whether you like it or not. It might be best to make a clean break from the whole situation and reevaluate down the line. If you and the exes friend are meant to be, a month won't be an issue.
MotoLinz MotoLinz 9 years
Yeah - you didn't mention the level of commitment with the other guy you've been seeing, but if this would be considered cheating, know how that feels.
Sugarrush0208 Sugarrush0208 9 years
This sounds like a drama bubble waiting to burst. I would be very careful with the ex's friend, because we all know how that usually ends up. If your not really sure that your just going after him for "jelously" purposes I would just back off and wait for the other guy to return or just sit back and enjoy the single life. =) best of luck!
sass317 sass317 9 years
Im curious how the other guy you are seeing would feel about this situation. I went on a trip after college graduation and emailed and called the guy I had been seeing as often as I could. I THOUGHT we had an understanding that we were exclusive, but I found out much later (after we have lived together and he started doing drugs and drinking heavily and not coming home at night and broken up) that he had slept with another girl while I was gone- she did not know about me at the time. The thing that really bothered me about the whole thing was that he did that to me while things were still new and good and exciting(and I was only gone for 2 weeks for cryin out loud)- it wouldnt have shocked me if he had done it when our relationship deteriorated. Basically, all Im saying is, if you want any kind of future with the guy on the trip, back off from the ex's friend.
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