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You Asked: Should I Just Let Him Go?

Dear Sugar,

It's been a while, but I'm still not over my ex. I've known him for 10 years, and we work together so it's not possible to just avoid him. At times I feel like I'm finally going to be free from him, but then he does something that wins me over again. He's the person you could see yourself being with forever. He's smart, funny, responsible, and when I'm with him I feel so comfortable. We've always kept a friendly relationship because we were best friends first.

I'm lost on what to do. I seem to push every other guy whose interested in me away because I'm not sure whether both my ex and I are over each other. I can't ask him because he'll just avoid answering me — that's how he is. Should I finally let him go? I'm scared I'll never meet someone as incredible as him again.

— Can't Let Go Lisa

To see DearSugar's answer


Dear Can't Let Go Lisa,

From your description, your ex sounds like a great guy, but he is your ex, which means that something didn't work when you guys were together. Because I don't know the details of your relationship and subsequent breakup, I can't say whether or not trying to work on a relationship again is a good idea. However, it's important for you to remind yourself that there's a reason why you guys aren't a couple anymore.

Instead of worrying about what could be, focus on living in the present. Next time a new guy shows interest in you, take the bait. Don't think of it as letting go of your ex, but rather opening up to new experiences and people. I truly believe that the most important part of breaking up isn't letting go, but keeping an open mind about yourself and those around you. If you can do that, everything else will just come naturally, whether that's moving on or making it work again. Keep your chin up and hang in there!


Join The Conversation
Mshonesty29 Mshonesty29 7 years
Girl,we could tell you all day long what to do but at the end of the day you know what you should do..Sometimes we want things that's just not right for us this thing does'nt seem like it's going nowhere so pick up yourself and get strong...I'm sure this dude is seeing other women and keeping you as a back up plan he'll only do what you allow him to do and you're allowing him to treat you this way...Get some self respect for yourself..If he wanted you you would'nt have to guess and would'nt be needing any advice from us.You're probably better without him girl I know when your in love you seem to look over the obvious but come on your stronger then this...He's playing games with you and probably just waiting for that women to come along then he'll drop you like a bad habit then you'll be feeling horrible so cut him off unless he shows you something different...You could be missing out on the love of your life because you're holding on to your ex...I been down the same road before but then I realized I deserved better now he's regetting he ever left I let him go because I was'nt about to be his back up chick I love myself more then I ever loved him..Girl, live your life be strong and let go....!!!
Advah Advah 9 years
Man, you guys are harsh. Has any of you have a messy breakup, or still have feelings for an ex after breaking up with him/her? There's nothing weird about her not mentioning why they broke up, she's not asking whether it was a good idea to break up. I know how you feel - it's not that I still have feelings for my ex, but it's difficult to know what to do. He's around all the time, he's not acting in a very straightforward way (he doesn't know what he wants); there were good reasons why we broke up and I don't want to go back to where we were at the end, but it doesn't change the fact when he flirts with me it makes me wonder whether I should stick around and hope he'll make a move some day, or just completely stop seeing him, thinking I might not meet someone else like that and that you might be wasting something. But you confronted him about it, and even if he doesn't know what he want and might choose you at some point, it just means that if you keep waiting for him you'll have to wait for him to make up his mind. Again, I'm in the same position and know it's not an easy thing to do, but you deserve better than waiting after someone, even if he's a great guy. Also, you don't want to realise in 2-3 years that you wasted the last few years waiting for him instead of realising things for yourself. You don't have to completely rule him out of your life; take care of yourself, think of yourself before thinking of him, try and be happier. If he realises he still wants you, that won't prevent him from talking. Now I only wish I could follow my own advice.. ;)
lms lms 9 years
If it is possible you should get another job. You are not going to get him out of your system if you see him constantly.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 9 years
He doesn't want to be with you and you need to accept that. Stop telling yourself otherwise. Love and respect yourself.
discodivared discodivared 9 years
Hi, I am not trying to be mean, but it may just be best if you break it off with him. One of my best friends was in the same situation (except they didn't work together) and she kept waiting around on him, he wouldn't talk about the relationship, and ths went on and on. Then one day she got killed in a car wreck. She spent part of her life waiting around on this guy and for what? She stayed in a constant state of stress worrying over him. Do something for yourself, let go and live life!
LeChatonNoir LeChatonNoir 9 years
Love is what Love does. Be the person you want to be. It sounds like clinging onto him is not showing you your best side, and it sounds like he doesn't respect you, nor is he acting in a mature way toward your feelings. He isn't perfect, and no one is. Thinking he's perfect won't help you to rationalize the situation: that whether or not he's over you, you're over being treated this way. Good luck girl, and remember: you deserve someone who's into you, and isn't afraid to tell you!
pixie2309 pixie2309 9 years
I'm in the same position.Nine years later...still nothing Seems I am left to sulk in the hell of my own this imaginary world where everything is going to work out fine and we're going to live happily ever after... Run as fast as you can from him...and never turn back
Marci Marci 9 years
For your own sake, let him go. He's not making any moves to get back together with you so why would you waste your life on him? Sure, he's a great guy, but there are other great guys out there too. Personally, I'd get a different job so I could make a clean break of it, meet some new people, and shake my life up. 10 years is too long to invest in someone you have no future with.
JaimeLeah526 JaimeLeah526 9 years
I agree with Dear. If there is a good reason that you broke up then you need to move on. You should spend time with other guys and not worry about getting over your ex. Eventually it will happen when you least expect it. You could also try talking to him straightforward. Tell him your feelings are still there and see what he says. He may feel the same way and he may not. If he doesn't then you know there is no chance and you can move on. Maybe the best thing to do in that case is not be friends and keep the relationship professional instead.
Nina_79 Nina_79 9 years
Mostly I don't mind reading about similar questions but it seems to me that in the last few weeks every day there is a question about not being able to move on after a break-up. Sure, every break-up is different, but the advise you can give is usually the same. Please post about more different topics. Thanks.
thewavingcat thewavingcat 9 years
i agree with can do and deserve much better than this! best of luck!
gooniette gooniette 9 years
oh, the distant male. what is he thinking? does he want me? he won't say.... by the way, where is he? is he with someone else? get over it. you are better than wanting attention from a guy who is not willing to give you any.
Asia84 Asia84 9 years
girl . . .he's not into you anymore. he's using you for a booty-call. it's THAT simple. i've said it before; -guy and girl break up -girl still has feelings -guy loves his new found freedom - wants to stay single -girl still loves him - won't date other, better men -guy is too busy/lazy to run game on a new chick -guy knows ex-girl's MO (whining, clingly, codependent, etc) -guy uses ex to get some free booty (he knows ya clean, so he doesn't have to use those pesky condoms, or he knows he can atleast talk you out of wearing them) -guy acts like nothing happend -girl thinks sex = he wants me back -girl obsesses -guy screws other girls -girl goes crazy - confronts guy about his feelings -guy calms her down with a nice night of bedroom Tarzan & Jane -girl is going crazy . . . DO YOU SEE A PATTERN HERE?????? PLEASE! MOVE ON!!!!
Janine22 Janine22 9 years
It sounds to me like it would best if you have a complete break from him, you are not over him at all and spending time with him will not help this. If he avoids answering you, then he probably does not want to get back together. If he did, he would try to pursue you again. Move on with your life and start dating other men, you would be surprised how much that will help you get over him quicker.
hotstuff hotstuff 9 years
Its very convenient that you left out why he's your ex to begin with, makes me think you only want to remember the good times. One thing I don't understand is that he keeps winning you over, as you say, but your still not together so I don't understand what this winning you over is about. It seems like maybe he's just flirting or taking advantage of your situation because he knows you'll easily fall for it without him having to commit to you. I wonder if you two are just friends with benefits? If he can't even answer a simple question about how he feels about you, then why continue to waste your time and throw your love life away for no good reason? I mean how incredible could this guy really be with all the mixed signals and refusal to man up and make you his woman? I say give him a chance to be a MAN and have the conversation about about what he feels for you and if he'd like to pursue it. If he resists then move on because your dealing with a little boy. Right now by continuing this non-relationship and dissing other men your setting yourself up for a very lonely and empty love life and you deserve better than that!
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