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You Asked: Should I Keep Waiting?


Dear Sugar,

A year ago, I met the most perfect man online. Ever since then, not a day has not gone by that we don’t talk to each other. We have even discussed me moving to his city so we can be closer. His ex broke up with him over two years ago, and he is still dealing with some of those issues. He assures me that he is over her and is ready to be in another relationship, but he wants to take things very slow.

About three months after we started talking, I gave him my phone number, and to my surprise, he was not willing to give me his. His birthday was last month and I asked for his address so I could send him a card. He wasn't willing to give me that either (even though he has mine). I tried to make plans to see him recently, and he said that he still wasn't ready. We have grown extremely close over the past year, and I know he is not seeing anyone else; we are very loyal to each other.

It’s very frustrating that I can't call him when I want to — he blocks his number so I can't see it. He recently started seeing a counselor because I told him that I wasn't sure how long I was going to wait for him since I am so young (I am 24, he is 28). I care for him deeply, but I am starting to think I am wasting my time. Should I continue to wait for him, or move on?

—Waiting Patiently Pasha

To see Dear Sugar's answer

.

Dear Waiting Patiently Pasha,

It sounds like you’re getting some pretty big mixed signals from this man. On one hand, he’s contacting you every day for a year and tells you that he wants to make a possible relationship work, while on the other hand he won’t let you call him or visit him — sounds a little fishy to me. In this situation, I would turn to that old stand-by we were taught in grade school: actions speak louder than words. He may be saying a lot of really great things, but it doesn’t sound like he’s anywhere near emotionally capable enough to act on them. In fact, it sounds like he might have some serious control issues.

If I were you, I’d let him know that you can’t continue your relationship as it is right now. While the idea of letting go might seem really hard, holding onto something that's not there will be even harder in the long run. This sounds like a very one-sided relationship and you’re far too young to be holding out for someone who won’t show the same devotion in return.

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Join The Conversation
jazzytummy jazzytummy 8 years
Married, in a basement, or in prison. This is what I dislike about online relationships...they have no basis in reality. Sorry to those who have met the perfect guy online, I think you are in the minority. Get off of your a$$ and get out of the house and meet some real people...they won't be "perfect" but at least you have a fair chance of judging what they are really about. Hurry before any social skills you may still have wither away. Good lord, a year of your life! :(
jkianne17 jkianne17 9 years
he is really hiding something my dear...u should move on.i met my bf online too.
sunshowers83 sunshowers83 9 years
He's obviously not the man you think he is - either he has major hangups, or he has something to hide. In either case, he's not worth your time or heartache. Be more careful in the future of these online relationships. Protect yourself by not letting these things run away with you before you can ascertain that it's real and not just a fantasy. As much as you want to believe that someone you meet on the net is genuine, the fact is that you never really know. Somebody could be anybody they want, but they can't keep up the charade forever unless you allow them to.
mosunshine27 mosunshine27 9 years
Oh & da he(( no!!! Leave him exactly where he is!!!! If all he has is excuses, that means that he has something else taking his time up wherever he is. Its been a year and you all have not hooked up - it was over three months into it for me :(
ElizabethRae ElizabethRae 9 years
I LOLed reading some of these responses but I pretty much agree with everyone. This guy sounds married. If he's not he has ISSUES!! Drop him. Now.
pumpkin81 pumpkin81 9 years
I think everyone here is correct - move on, block his number, and meet real people who live in your city (male and female, you need more friends if you have this much free time and this little reason to stay). You are in love with a fantasy - and the reality is going to be something unpleasant (old guy, married man, crazy guy, etc). But you also sound like someone who needs confirmation to give this up - use one of those internet background services to get a report on this guy. It'll be the best $50 you'll ever spend - all you need is a name and a state. Of course, they list the people by age so you might not even have to spend any money to get your answer, if he gave you his real name.
plasticapple plasticapple 9 years
I agree, he's definitely hiding something. Hopefully he's just married and not dirty ol' perv.
samischo samischo 9 years
" He may even be a lady with a really deep voice" hahahaha
michelle-c42934 michelle-c42934 9 years
Drop him, now, you can do better, he is either married or a weirdo. I wouldn't trust anyone on the internet, people lie.
PJ-PJ-PJ PJ-PJ-PJ 9 years
Asia is right! You need to OPEN YOUR EYES to all of those red flags! This nut is hiding something. Block his number & stop any interaction with him.
TASTEthiss TASTEthiss 9 years
Asia84 is spot on. u've wasted enough time already hun. let it go. "Reeeka: cereal killer...? Like, taking aim at boxes of cereals? Going on a murderous frenzy of crunching cereals? I want to meet that person." :ROTFL: that was funny
jaxon jaxon 9 years
DITTO TO EVERYONE!! You dont even need to be asking this question babe. You already know all the answers. I think you were just hoping we would tell you different. Change your phone # you might even need to move! He is a total weirdo and MARRIED most def. DO some serious soul searching before you try another relationship. U need to figure out what has made you so deperate as to want to believe this guy.
Jillz1128 Jillz1128 9 years
There are so many reasons why he is not cooperating....and all of them are bad.....you deserve a real life relationship, not a faker!
Jessie-M Jessie-M 9 years
This is so ridiculous!! He won't give you any of his info? Something tells me you two 'discussing' you moving to his city to be closer was actually a one time topic mentioned in passing 'oh it would be easier if you were closer! you should move here lol' that he wasnt serious about, and you are dwelling on it! He is definitely involved with someone else. move on, get this creep out of your life, and find someone who is willing to give you their phone number! This man (if he is even that) is disgusting!
cubadog cubadog 9 years
Time to end this so called relationship he is involved with someone else.
Brooklynbee Brooklynbee 9 years
I'm sorry, but his behavior is just downright bizarre. How can you even say he is 'perfect' if you've a) never met him in person and b) he refuses to give you so much as his phone number. If you can afford it, hire a private investigator, find out the truth, and tell him you know the real deal. Then block his email and phone # and meet someone else - offline.
designerel designerel 9 years
i know you've built up this meaningful relationship with this guy, but the fact of the matter is, there is something going on here. do not move for this man. you need to find out what the real deal is.
herjoiedevivre herjoiedevivre 9 years
I have to say. it DOES sound like he's married, or definitely hiding something. however- even if he is exactly how he presents himself (even though he obviously doesn't want you to find out where he lives for a reason)- you've already wasted a year on a guy who goes out of his way to make sure you know nothing more about him. he is not giving you anything back. one year is long enough- if you keep going like this, who knows how many years you could waste in a loveless, one-sided relationship? I would tell him that you need a long time of not speaking to him, and then go out and find someone who's more willing to connect.
ella1978 ella1978 9 years
Wow, hun, I'm sorry, but I agree with everyone here. I think he's probably married, and so long as he doesn't know where you live, I'd confront him about it. You can always change your number. Say that you are fed up with his crap, he obviously lying to you or he would have shared his contact info with you. You are obviously something on the side or he would have been a lot more open, at least with a phone number. I personally say you should confront him, or you probably won't get closure on it, but I'd bet he's married.
sladjipadji sladjipadji 9 years
After reading your post my first thought is that he's lying about his age. I have met kids who ave voices of a 30 yr old, or old man who sound like they are 25. I also agree with everyone else that he's probably married. Either way I would not put my trust into this person.
morganfay morganfay 9 years
Reeeka: cereal killer...? Like, taking aim at boxes of cereals? Going on a murderous frenzy of crunching cereals? I want to meet that person.
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 9 years
Oh my goodness, move on. Emotionally, disconnect with him. It's obvious you're attached to him. At a personal level, you've given him too much too soon.
karlotta karlotta 9 years
I never thought I would say this, but I would like to repeat what Asia's said, word for word.
cgmaetc cgmaetc 9 years
I wouldn't even bother explaining anything to him because he's not worth it. Block his number, ignore his calls, cease all contact.
Random2 Random2 9 years
Married guy or in a serious relationship. Get out now and meet someone who wants to be with you, not have a fun little thing on the side.
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